Today

Today is worth marking.  A day to put a big black Sharpie circle around on the calendar.

I was asked to lunch.  By a great person.  By a busy person.  By the person who teaches bible study, has a million friends and has 4 kids.  By a person I didn't know well at all.  By a person who prayed.  For me.  But I didn't know that yet.

I was nervous.  Very nervous.  My stomach was twisting as I pulled into the parking lot but everything in my spirit caused settle and I knew, in full confidence, this would be grand.  This meal was anointed, this appointment Divine.

It was a normal lunch.  She was really nice.  Adley made a royal mess with food.  We had much more in common than one might imagine.  Yet in the grand scheme of things, don't we all.  This taught me that.  We are all searching, struggling people in need of a Savior.  In need of feeling worthy enough for someone random to ask us to lunch, just to get to know us better.  I hardly felt worthy of her prayers, much less her time.  Time.  In our society It Is a GIFT!  A gift that should be paid forward.

The conversation flowed smoothly.  I can't recall an awkward silence.  But as she spoke of things she prayerfully heard regarding me, things she saw in me, I literally felt my insides, my nerves, any fiber that was connected to anything that moved, curl in.  I was coiling on the inside like a nocturnal creature hiding from the sun.  I couldn't make eye contact for fear of losing it altogether.  She wasn't showering me with compliments. She was a voice saying things aloud that my spirit has been stirring in me for so long but I've been so afraid to believe.  Afraid to take hold of.  After all, if I truly grasped these concepts, what would that look like?  Would I mess it up like I have so many other things?

A well laid plan for my life wasn't spelled out.  My purpose was not proclaimed.  My calling was not defined.  But the message I needed to hear rang clear.  God knows I love Him.  He knows the heart He gave me and He wants to use it for His good.

If she sees it.  He must see it.  Even with all my messes.  With all my history.  All my shortcomings, struggles and failures.  All my confidence issues, battles of worthiness and fears of failing......He loves me and I am made for more.

I was not made to hide behind things He went to the cross for.  His design was not for me to be perfect before I became completely His.  I am loved.  Right where I am.  We all are.  Why, oh why, is that so hard to cling to? I can own that.  Right now.  In this instant.  As I type I am loved.  Beyond measure.  And people need to know that but first I have to believe it.  I thought I did.  I really didn't think knowing I was loved was an issue but I'm realizing my insecurities run deep and being truly, fully, and completely loved isn't a thing I easily accept.

I will attempt to be more bold this year (that's a bold statement if I've ever seen one).  I actually first wrote, "I will be bold this year" and I couldn't hit the delete button fast enough.  I need to grow in courage with my faith and realize that I don't need to tidy all my corners before I live out sharing what saved me.  What that looks like, I don't know.  But I think it looks a lot like time with people.  Love God.  Love people.  I can start there.

Big, black, sharpie marker circle around today.