I got an email forwarded to me originating from Breath of Life (BOL), the birthing center where I delivered Adley, announcing a new RN position.

Curiously I emailed back asking a few questions but immediately I wanted to be there.  I wanted to start work the next day.  Not because I want to get out of my house or away from my kids.  Not because I miss working or don't fully enjoy and appreciate being a SAHM.  Not because it's about the money.  But because I loved it there.  Because BOL is a ministry that also happens to bring new life into the world.  Because as much as I'm a mom, deep down there's a nurse inside me longing to be used.  Because I love every aspect of pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges moms sometimes face before, during and after.  Because I believe it's my gift.

They quickly responded (I had done volunteer work with the director of the center/head midwife before) and all they could say was "YES, YES, YES!", "Are you kidding?!? YES!"

In the short amount of time it took them to respond I looked into childcare arrangements, the cost of a part-time nanny, and into the logistics of what our week would look like.  I began to get excited.

I prayed about it and the "could this really happen?" question changed to "should this really happen?".
Even if it could somehow make sense on paper, is it what's best for our family?

Selfishly I want to do it.  I want to passionately unleash my inner-nurse and pour myself into those families.  I want to rub precious pregnant bellies and assist as brand new babies takes their very first breath.

So often, since staying at home with the girls, I long to feel the fulfillment I once did as a nurse.  The feeling of being knowledgeable and appreciated.  The feeling where my time and talents are counted for something big and the task at hand requires complex problem solving skills.  I want a task at the start of my day that's larger than a stack of dirty clothes and a floor that needs to be cleaned.  I want, I want, I want.....therein lies the problem.

Yet in writing those statements I realize those things ARE happening at home.  My perspective could use a tune up and I'm likely suffering from "the grass is always greener" syndrome.  I could use a good dose of contentment and a strong reminder that I won't get this time back.  I'm appreciated and I'm challenged every single day.

What do I want to do?  Yet where am I needed ?

The decision for me to stay at home was a decision based on our values, not feelings.  Feelings change, our values don't.  Our values are grounded and rooted in an unfailing source where my wants and feelings can change with the wind.

Some people balance working and family life very well.  Knowing myself, I probably wouldn't.

It was definitely an esteem boost to know how much they wanted me.  It makes it that much harder to decline the position but I know how much I'm needed at home as well.

Maybe down the road.  Right now, it just isn't time.