Not going back to work

I couldn't figure out a way to put into words why we decided I was not going to take the position at Breath of Life.  I wanted to, yes, but I simply wasn't going to.

We made our decision before I even told anyone else about the prospect.  I didn't want my thoughts to be clouded by well-meaning friends encouraging self-fulfillment.  I wanted to think clearly and focused throughout the process and be confident and content in the decision.  I didn't want to decline it with downcast eyes or imply my children were a burden keeping me from a dream.  I wanted full, firm ownership over an absolutely correct decision for our family. Words linked from another blog sent from a friend helped hit the nail on the head as to why my job will continue to reside at home and the core of my work is my husband and our children.


"—  to put aside plans for a person, to lay aside self to serve, to set aside agendas to step up to an altar."

"This is the work of a mother — this strange and peculiar joy in letting go of self to make the joy of another large."

That is why I'm sure of where I am supposed to be.  I am choosing to set aside myself, my personal agendas, to make the joy of my children large.  It is a strange and peculiar joy, but it is pure joy and I'm just not willing to miss it.

So as the weekend closes and the blank slate of another week lingers before me, I am renewed.  I am renewed by claiming the calling I have today, to serve my family, something no one else can do the way that I can.  I am called to be my husband's wife and my children's mother.  I am called to do it fully, with the entirety of my being, investing my everything and be present in every way possible for it.

I won't do this flawlessly.  I will struggle.  It won't be easy.  I will question my methods and ability.  I will doubt myself.  I will have feelings that waver and thoughts that need grounding.

But I will be here.  Right where I'm supposed to be and I am so incredibly thankful for that.  It isn't a dream put on hold, it's fulfilling a dream I didn't realize I had.  I wasn't regarding it for all that it was.  It's a privilege, an honor.  Those are words that are used often, perhaps even tossed around, but they are ringing so true for me today.  I'm taking on an entirely new appreciation for my role, embracing it's gifts, taking on it's challenges and excited by it's capabilities.  I. Am. Honored.

I am a stay-at-home mom and that is awesome.