Bitter sweet retirement

Today I'm very thankful that Elyse takes 2 naps. I slept during both of them and I have NEVER done that before. I've had this cold/bug/sickness thing on and off for over a week now and it's affected me differently than any other sickness I've had in the past. I felt horrible for a few days then started to feel better and I was thinking I was getting past it. Then I would feel worse all over again and it's gone on and on like a roller coaster and my body can't make up it's mind if I'm better or not. The weekend went like this: Friday night was Bunco with the girls and I'd felt fine all day but as the night wore on and I lost once again (to date I have never won at Bunco) I began to feel crummy. Saturday morning I didn't feel well at all but we laid low and I was able to take a long nap so I started to feel better. Sunday was my last day at work and I felt pretty good. A swig of DayQuil before I left home got me through the 13 hours and I thought I was on the upswing again. Then this morning I woke up feeling absolutely terrible. I was achy, stuffy, exhausted......blah. Hence the 2 naps for mom and baby and now I'm feeling better again but who knows what tomorrow will have for us.

Either way the sickness has caused me to be very thankful that I'm home with Elyse and able to stay in sweat pants and rest if I need to. Because of how I've felt the poor girl has been a little cooped up so after our last nap we went to the park and I was able to snap a few pictures of her. She is 8 months old today.

After working my last shift on Sunday I guess I'm officially retired now. I had a great shift and knowing it was my last was more bitter than it was sweet for me. Ever since I had Elyse I have felt like I can relate so much better to the parents of the babies I care for. My heart has been in it in such a different way since I became a mom and I know I have so much to give to those going through such a hard time. Handing a mom her baby to hold for the first time since coming off of the ventilator, encouraging and offering suggestions for a mom battling low milk supply issues, educating a scared new dad on the cardiac medication his son has been started on.......I love it. I'm going to miss it. A lot. So much of me feels a piece of me belongs there but I also know all of me belongs at home. This was a hard decision to make and I think it's so hard on me because I somehow feel like I failed, like I should have been able to make it work and didn't. Why couldn't I balance it better? There are many families where both parents work full time and I couldn't find a way to balance 26 hours a month. That feels like failing. But then I also know so much of that isn't true. We did make it work, we did do our best to balance but in the end the cost wasn't worth the gain so we made a choice. I left those babies and families, doctors and coworkers last night. I clocked out and snuck away without even saying goodbye because it was easier to pretend I would be back in a couple of weeks. I walked to my car, alone and in the dark and as the bitterness left the sweetness came and I was thankful. I'm thankful to have had a career I held so close to my heart but more thankful not to have to miss anymore family time which isn't just close to my heart, it is my heart. As I was walking I grabbed onto the fact that I was going home. Our weekends are ours again, that is sweet! Maybe someday I'll be back, maybe I won't but either way it was a wonderful journey and one I will never forget.