It's starting to sink in

I'm His Elyse. I've said it before and people have used this analogy in the past but I think I'm finally starting to grasp the concept.


Parents know exactly what I'm going to attempt to describe and since it's something so hard to explain, so hard to wrap your mind around you just simply have to feel it to know and experience it but I'm going to try anyway.

Elyse has no idea how much she is loved, not the faintest clue. Most of her concern lies with her basic needs being met. From what I can tell she has no concept of appreciation or what it means to be thankful. In the past couple of months I've worried about my milk supply and with efforts and intervention I've been able to keep it up for her. It hasn't always been easy but I want that for her and I'll do everything I'm capable of to give her that. I take some time out each week to make her baby food and after a weekend of feeding her the jar stuff I'm definitely going to keep doing it. She doesn't know. She doesn't care. She would drink any milk and eat any food but my heart's desire is to give her the best I'm capable of. I'm not perfect. I once fed her rice that wasn't cooked all the way and I think I introduced thicker puree's earlier than what is recommended. I've given her too little and then too much fiber. I struggle with finding the balance of getting out and about but still being home for her naps to ensure she gets the adequate sleep her rapidly growing and changing body needs. I try my best to keep her from getting too hot or too cold and making sure she is clean and dry. To the best of my ability she is safe and comfortable in her crib, car seat or playing throughout the day. Out of genuine concern and a deep maternal love so much of my efforts, concern and time revolve around her basic needs and she doesn't have a clue.

Then there are the not so basic needs. The times I rock her while reading a book or snuggle her just because she's there. With the amount of kisses her sweet little cheeks get each day you would think they would become chapped. I perform a circus just to see that gummy grin and hear that belly laugh. I thrive on knowing she feels happy and secure. I calm her when she's upset and pick her up when she falls. I try my hardest to make her feel safe when I can tell a situation makes her uneasy. I would love to constantly be at her side but I love her enough to give her that space to explore and discover, even if it means bumping her head from time to time. I would love to prevent every tear or pain but I love her enough to realize these things are necessary but I'm still there to wipe each salty drop. I'm never far, even if she can't see me. As much as I love her she can't always get her way and even at just 7 months of age there are times that require parental firmness. Each day is full of choices and obstacles but more than anything else, love. I am head over heels madly in love with that miraculous little girl.

She is a squirmy little thing who does not like to be cuddled but recently she has started to give hugs. It usually happens when she first wakes up or is getting tired. She will wrap her soft little arms around your neck and bury her face in your shoulder, sometimes you can even feel her curl her hands into your skin as if she's trying to squeeze as hard as possible. Each time she does it I quietly hope she hangs on just a little longer. They come and go in an instant but each time she does it Matt and I just melt. The other day she hugged Matt and he said "She has no idea how much this means to me, it's the best thing ever." That comment got me thinking about my relationship with God. How often do I hug back and do I even realize what that means to Him? How many needs and desires do I dismiss that He orchestrates on a daily basis just for His little girl? He's never fed me uncooked rice or given me too much or too little of anything. His greatest gifts are likely unanswered prayers because He knows me better than I do. His efforts are great and my appreciation must seem so small. He is madly in love with me, that love is perfection, and I forget to hug back. I'm His Elyse. How incredibly awesome is that.

I'm going to go hug God now.