Not blogworthy

I've had trouble blogging lately.  Not for lack of thoughts or things to say, just a matter of whether or not I think they're worth reading I suppose. 

I often blog about what's going on.  In our home, in my head, or in my heart.  It's usually just about a few captured moments. 

What has taken a lot of my time lately has been striving to get healthier.  My diet has changed quite a bit, gradually, but somewhat drastically as I reflect on what I commonly ate nearly 3 months ago.  I'm exercising.  A lot.  My joints are sore but I'm finally seeing the fruits of my labor.

I'm reading more about photography and toying with settings when I get the chance.  As I look back over pictures, even ones just recently posted, I'm beginning to see so, so much room for improvement and things I would do differently the next time.  Mostly, my current pictures make me want a new camera lens but I won't be getting that anytime soon.

The rest of my time involves children, chores and meals, weekly bible study and MOMS Club treasurer duties, and more chores, lots of those, oh, and errands, lots of those too.

That's my life.  Hasn't really seemed blog worthy lately. 

The other day I was thinking about how excited I should feel, how content, thankful and happy I should be.  I'm healthier than ever, pursuing a hobby I really enjoy, and raising 2 precious girls alongside one amazing man.  I haven't been feeling that and it's lingered.  I'm realizing in all of this busyness, in pursuit of these time consuming things, I've lost sight of my purpose. 

I often see other people who are so passionate about things like food and health, hobbies and interests, careers and goals.  People who are admirably focused and impressively driven with a passionate pursuit to better or achieve something in their lives.  I often think, what if they channelled all of that passion into the Kingdom of God?  What if I did?

I had difficulty even praying about it.  I wanted to seek God's direction and ask Him what I should be doing but I already knew the answer and Sunday's message at church confirmed it.  Am I loving God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind?  Am I loving others like Jesus would?  Am I helping the widows and orphans (the least of these)?  Am I storing up my treasure in heaven?  Question after question came and went.  Some I could confidently answer, others I could not.  I began to feel guilty, shameful even.  Guilt and shame.  Those two words alone let me know those feelings were not coming from the right place but that I needed to get to the right place.  The right place doesn't move, waiver or change.  My Right Place doesn't want me to carry those feelings.  My Right Place wanted my attention, wants me back, and will love and lead me the entire way.

I needed to admit to myself and to Him that I've drifted.  I've been slacking.  I committed to beginning my day before the rest of the house.  Starting the day in my bible, in His quiet and stillness.  I committed to change.  Those beautiful, peaceful mornings where nothing was stirring but my spirit, were what I needed then and still need now.  I slacked.  I hit snooze.  I eventually stopped setting my alarm. 

Each day, in each situation I face, it's evident to me how vital that time is to prepare my heart for the day.  I can be pretty rough around the edges without the softening of the Holy Spirit.  I don't like being rough.  My sensory toddler doesn't even like scratchy legs or waffles.  If I want her best, I need to be my best.

I need to reclaim my purpose.  I need to go to bed soon.  I need to set my alarm.  I need to give that time back to it's rightful owner.