Trasparency

At the bible study I go to, The Front Porch, we're asked to be transparent.  Share with our sisters our burdens, struggles, hang-ups and trials.  As complex as a family member who's an addict or as simple as back pain slowing us down.  We're requested, within our comfort zone, to share, to lift, to carry one another.

Sometimes this is very easy for me, a little too easy.  Other times it's difficult.  Deep, core issues I have a hard time talking about which often seem to settle on the darkness of my ocean floor, other things surface lightly with gentle waves from the right tide.

I consider myself an open, social person but upon taking a closer look, I'm also very private.  There are greater struggles than mine and I'm used to the weight of my load.  It may hurt my back from time to time, but I often view it as mine to carry.  I don't want to come across as needy, a complainer, or ungrateful for the good.  So most times it's easier to just sit quietly than to come across in a way I'd regret.  I don't do well with words, explaining myself, or sharing my heart.  I write much better than I speak and even that isn't saying a whole lot.  See, here I am rambling about why I don't speak....I'll ramble.

Last week on FB I posted this......"Work travel has always been a part of our lives. As Matt pulled away just now I actually started to cry and Elyse chased his car down the sidewalk yelling "Daddy! Daddy!"......it never gets any easier. Friday evening, please come quick."

I later commented, "Thanks everyone. We'll be fine, we always are. Sometimes it just feels nice to hurt out loud. To admit it isn't always easy and enjoy the release of a few tears. As Elyse yelled "daddy" as loud as she could, she said "He will hear me to come back!" Even my "we're so proud of daddy and he's an important man to other people too", brave face didn't stand a chance against that one. After 7 years in this you would think we would be used to it but we aren't and we probably never will be. I do hope the emotion stays though because the longing for him makes his arms so sweet once they're finally filled by us."

The next day, at music class, she walked around asking other children if their dads come home at night.  My eyes welled as I watched her as the other kids wondered what in the world she was talking about.  She would cuddle her baby dolls at home, explaining to me that they were crying, "not because they were sick, but because they wanted their daddy".  Hearing those things is hard on me sometimes.  Redirecting comes more naturally than stomaching them.  Last week my stomach hurt.

It wasn't on The Front Porch, but I realized later that I was transparent on FB.  There are numerous larger, more severe and heart breaking struggles than the one I posted about, but I've come to learn that's okay.  I can still share mine.  For the most part, people genuinely care.  No one (that I know of) thought I was whining, complaining or ungrateful.  No one assumed I couldn't handle my portion or what I had on my plate.  It was a hard week and it mattered.  Simple as that.

I got a few texts, a visit from my mom, and 3 different dinners brought to me.  People blessed me.  Blessed my challenging week and struggling emotions.

I'm more open to transparency now.  It's a safe place.  Not a podium to whine, but a place to draw near too.  A place where believers can walk alongside you, intercede, carry you to the thrown when your feet won't walk themselves.


James 5:16  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.


It's Tuesday of the following week.  Today was wonderful, one of the smoothest days we've had in awhile.  Matt is away again, that isn't what changed.  My weight was more evenly distributed and the kids feed off of that, they really do.  I had a cuddly, gracious, thankful 3 year old showering me with praise tonight after a day of improved problem solving.  I'm proud of us.