Someone else could do it better

The title just about sums up my feelings about today. I may look back on this post and think perhaps I shouldn't have been so honest or probably feel a little embarrassed that I said these things out loud (blogged...which is out loud to me). Today wasn't especially hard or any more challenging than any other day. It was a normal day. Matt is out of town for work this week so it's just been Elyse and I. We got up at our usual times, had a good nights rest, ate breakfast, went to the gym, yada yada yada.

But this morning while we were playing I just felt a disconnect. I can't really explain it. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't made for this. I wasn't cut out to be a stay at home mom. Am I thankful? Yes. Do I recognize it's an honor, a blessing, and a privilege? Of course. Do I love being there for her every need, every milestone, and every ability to direct her in how I see fit? Absolutely! But I'm not that good at it.

Talking. She doesn't really speak yet. She says one word, "cat" and an occasional indiscriminate "dada" or "mama". I don't talk to her enough I tell myself. I should read to her more, that would help, but I don't know how that is even possible because she is read about 9 books a day. Someone else could talk to her.....better.

Playing. Since I stay at home with just Elyse and I, I find myself having to consciously set aside play time and house work time, which is probably normal. If it were up to her she would just wonder aimlessly around the house all day exploring and with safety in mind I often let her. Then I feel guilty that she isn't getting enough interaction or isn't learning enough so I try to play with her and she has almost no interest in it. Someone else would know how to play with her..... better.

Eating. Oh where to begin. She is small for her age which has loomed over my head for months. I try my hardest to creatively help her consume as many calories per day as possible and she is still barely hanging onto the charts. I'm still hiding nutrients and fats in food and despite my greatest efforts she still throws food and she throws it all the time. I have tried so many different approaches to help this behavior and I've seen not even an ounce of improvement. I feel like I'm failing. Someone else could get her to stop throwing her food while making sure she eats enough.....better.

In her high chair tonight she had a fit. A royal screaming, crying, food throwing fit. She was overtired and I knew it but I also knew she needed to eat because once again she had hardly eaten all day. It was a tough predicament from the get go. I picked her up, calmly told her "When you behave like this you may not be with us", and put her in her crib. She cried harder and louder. When I went back to get her she was gasping and melted right into my shoulder (which she NEVER does). I sat with her in the glider, enjoying the rare opportunity when she actually cuddles and I started crying. I whispered, "Most of the time it's just me and you Elyse, so we have got to get this together, we have got to figure this out".

I keep waiting for the day when this shoe fits. When I have that "a ha" moment where I realize this is what I was made for. I keep thinking that as more time goes by it will feel more natural and that hasn't happened yet. I'm getting all teary eyed now. I think the part I feel worst about is that I feel this way at all. I feel extremely guilty for feeling like this. So many moms would love to be in my shoes and here I am saying the shoe doesn't fit. This is the easier part to express. The harder part to express is how I wouldn't change it if I could. How much I love that little girl. I know it's hard. I know it's challenging but is also so very rewarding. Her laugh, her smile, her little pointer finger, light up my life......but right now I just want to go back to work. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I'm being a little ridiculous though, but hey, we're all allowed to have our moments, I'm just having mine on Blogger! ;)

Matt just called from Memphis. He is always so encouraging. I love him. He reminded me that I've been doing this alone for a couple of days now, that Elyse was more difficult than normal, and that I cared for 3 kids under the age of 16 months yesterday all by myself. I'm probably a little burnt right now. He didn't dismiss my feelings at all, he just simply helped. He is perfect for me and I love that.

I'm going to go now. This mommy needs to get to bed and do this all again tomorrow!