Keeping my word

We were all eating dinner together the other night and mid-meal Elyse asked to use the bathroom.  We got her out of her booster seat to go and she asked me to go with her (she can go on her own now).  I only had a couple of bites left to finish and I told her I would come in there (sometimes she takes awhile and needs help pulling her pants back up) when I was finished. 

I finished my dinner and began cleaning up the dishes and putting leftovers away.  A few moments later she walked out of the bathroom, all finished with her business, and said "Mommy never came in there."

It was like a dagger to my heart.  I got sidetracked, plain and simple.  I'm a disorganized hurrier.  I want things done right away but I'm scattered brained about getting them done so I get sidetracked extremely easily.  It's a trait I love and despise.  I can get a lot accomplished quickly (love) but I'm like a hurricane with a poorly defined eye getting them done (despise). 

Back to the story (see, I got sidetracked again).......It was the first time she has ever pointed out a time when I didn't keep my word.  Probably not the first time I've broken it, but definitely the first time she was vocal about it.  We refrain from using phrases like "I promise" because we strive for our word to be reliable, something she can trust, be sure of and rely on, without having to specify it's a promise.  We said it, that means we'll do it, plain and simple. 

I quickly set my soapy sponge aside and knelt down so we were eye to eye.  I apologized I didn't keep my word with her, gave her a hug and she was off to play, visibly unfazed by the event.  She didn't need my excuses or explanation of dirty dishes distracting me, she needed me to acknowledge I was wrong and I was sorry, she didn't care why, it didn't matter.

Apologies without the "but" following often go against the humanness in me, the never ending battle to suppress pride.  I see this battle surfacing in her already and it's one I need to fight with diligence.  She has difficulty apologizing for her actions, especially face to face, even if it's with her infant sister.  When she's been in the wrong and knows an apology, ownership, of her actions is expected, the battle she's fighting becomes visible.  She collapses to the floor or clings to my leg, whining begins, tears start to pour.  Occasionally she will try to mutter a flippant "sorry" with eyes closed and attitude in her voice but she's coming to realize this isn't acceptable no matter how many times we engage in this war. 

I was lying in bed that night going over the events with Matt and having a hard time with it.  It wasn't just the guilt that I had broken my word or the feeling that I'd let her down, it was how much she's changing and noticing without saying a word.  How many times has something like this happened and she didn't say a thing?  How many chances do I get to prove that I'm trustworthy and reliable?  We've been shaping her since birth but that event told me we're entering a whole new level of parenting and it's intimidating.  It also let me know that the fact that she pointed out that I hadn't kept my word must mean she normally perceives me as someone who keeps it.  That made me feel good. 

She's extremely willful, spirited, stubborn....whatever word you chose, it's Elyse.  Neighbors, teachers, friends have all noticed it in different ways on different occasions and I realized long ago I had a challenge cut out for me.  I first must be an example, or role model worth following, that is an eye opening conviction that will make us both better people.

With her explosive emotions that must be tamed, comes an intense sweetness that I simply could not do without.  She periodically asks me, "Mommy, are you happy?"....showing me she's aiming to please and concerned for others.  I'm so thankful for that.