Feeling down today

I was supposed to work at my PRN job at UCH today. Like LRMC, they also have a low census in the NICU. Normally I would go work in the Pediatrics Unit, but they didn't need anyone extra either. My week that began looking so cluttered and busy has turned out to be perfectly paced.

I must admit though, for some reason when I got the phone call at 5:15 AM this morning and was told I was cancelled, a wave of guilt swept over me and it kept me awake for an hour or so. This is the 3rd shift I've been cancelled this month and when you work an average of 3 shifts per week, I have now sporadically missed a weeks worth of work.
Financially is it ok? Yes.
Does Matt understand? Of course.
Are there things to be done today? Most definitely.
For some reason, I still feel bad about it.
It has hung over me like a grey cloud this morning. It's a beautiful day out, the nicest it has been in awhile. I have already been to the gym and in the background there is a hum of the dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer. My cat Mandy rests at my feet and Chris Tomlin coaxes me to join him in words of praise through the stereo. All sounds of an already productive, wonderful day, but I still feel bad.

Our house is a vessel and I am it's captain. I take pride in caring for it and keeping things running smoothly like a well oiled machine. Even with just our little family of 2, it takes work. Matt thanks me on a regular basis for this unpaid job that I do, and I'm glad he does that, it makes me feel good. However, I still like feeling as though I financially contribute to our household and when I get cancelled from work, it makes me feel like I'm not doing my part. Matt, KPMG's employee of the year in my humble opinion, left for work this morning for his sixth day in a row. He is such a hard worker. He is dedicated to his career and a man of extreme integrity, I hope the firm knows the value of him. And here I sit at home, again.

I'm disappointed in myself for letting something like this get in my head and steal my joy today. I know better. I know much better. I have come to find I have little patience for consistently negative people, and today it's me. When I start to feel like this, I have to remind myself to turn to God's word. This is new for me, it is not habit yet, but I know it should become that way and today is just as good as any to start.

"But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful" (Psalm 68:3 NIV).
"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days" (Psalm 90:14 NIV).

I am to be glad in all my days and I cannot let today be any exception. I will sing for joy today (thank goodness I'm here alone).

Speaking of singing, I love to do it. I'm awful, and that's not an exaggeration. This is one area of my life where my talents are not in line with my passion. I have a passion for singing. I love singing along to songs at home or in the car. I love worship at church. I especially like that worship is loud so no one around me can hear that I can't carry a tune in a bucket. I just sing to God. He didn't ever ask it to be in tune and He didn't give me the gift to do it well, He just asked that I do it, so I do. I like to believe that when I die and go to heaven, I'll be able to kneel in front of Him and sing Him the most beautiful song. I really do believe that. I'm just warming up down here.

God is good. He is more than sufficient and He deserves a better attitude than the one I'm giving.