Rut

So.....I've been in this "rut" lately. I've tried to describe it to others, explain in to Matt, and figure it out for myself. I don't know what it is, why it's here, or when it will leave. I've read, I've prayed, I've waited, I've ignored, I've acknowledged. The book we're doing in our small group talks about spiritual highs and lows, that they're normal and part of the growing process. For awhile that gave me comfort, but in reality, for me it was just a complacent excuse.

My life has changed so much. Everything has done a 180 in the last 6 months. It's definitely been for the better, but is very different none the less. I used to work full time and volunteer part time; now I stay at home. It used to be just Matt and I; now we have a child. Those two things in and of themselves have rocked my core, so I'm not sure if that's what's causing my rut or not.

I guess the best way to describe my "rut" is feeling the inability to truly connect with God, to hear Him, or to sense His presence. It's that feeling of distance. Lately I have this feeling of inadequacy to fully be the kind of roll model I want to be for Elyse. The morals and characteristics I desire for her to value are things I struggle with myself. Without a present and vibrant connection with God I feel like I don't have the resources within me to achieve this. I have wonderful and amazing parents who love me very much and taught me so many things I value. There are so many important things they instilled in me that I'm so thankful for. However, I'm sort of the "black sheep" when it comes to this area. I'm definitely different than my family in this regard and because of that I struggle with feeling capable of modeling or teaching certain things. I feel like I just don't know how to and it's weighing on me.

I'm sure this desire to be my very best so that Elyse gets the very best is natural of all parents. For some things it's easier, more tangible per say, but in the area of a true and vibrant relationship with the living God as the conductor of your life.....is harder for me. I'm still learning and growing, I always will be, and at times like this when I feel the distance or silence of that relationship this fear creeps up that I'm failing. Thoughts enter my head that I'll never be any more or any further that what I am right now. Nudges of accepting where I'm at because it's still better than where I was tap my shoulders. Inadequacy. Complacency for where I am. What I am, what I do, it will just have to be good enough. I'm stuck. I should get used to it. The problem with all these things is that they're lies and like a thief in the night they are after me. They are after my family. It is a very real and present danger. They call on me to lower my expectations, decrease my standards, and suppress the desire to live a life after God's own heart. They beckon me to give in to a life of complacency where before dinner prayers and Sunday sermons are enough. It's not enough. It's not anywhere close. I know because I've been there and I've had that. I just don't know how to get back.

It's been going on for weeks and through the silence and distance I believe one of my core issues is not having a strong enough foundation in the Word. There is power in scripture made for things just like this and I'm lacking in it. Throughout other times in my life I've found scripture to combat it and won every single time. That was my resource. Praying, speaking, and believing in His promises provided everything I ever needed and more. I'm lacking in the wisdom to battle this and all "this" is, is life. There will always be "something" so it's high time I suit up in some armor. At least I know it's a great place to start.