The decisions continue

I joined the gym yesterday. I've been wanting to get back on track for quite some time now, but the gym I was a member of during my pregnancy does not take babies until they are 6 months old and the nearby gym who took them younger was much too expensive, so wait I did. Waiting was very hard for me. I worked out and exercised before and throughout my entire pregnancy. Truthfully I believe that's why my pregnancy was an absolute dream. I had minimal weight gain, a fast delivery, and a speedy recovery. I weighed myself postpartum for the first time when Elyse was 8 days old. I was wearing my regular clothes already and the scale shocked me when I realized I had just 4 pounds to loose. I'm not trying to boast, brag, or toot my own horn here, that's just when I realized that my hard work paid off and in that regard, I haven't worked very hard since.

I was starting to feel down about myself, not just physically, but in many other ways as well and I knew exercising would help. I stopped by yesterday and even though Elyse is only 5 months old they agreed to take her and I happily rejoined. I attended my first group fitness class since May last night and it felt wonderful. Matt's work travel has increased lately so there are often days and nights I'm alone and don't even get an hour to myself until Elyse goes to bed, so taking that hour for myself felt absolutely invigorating.....until they had to pull me out of class because Elyse was having a breakdown. I hurried over to where she was and she was hysterically crying, her eyes were red, her nose was running, it was just pitiful. She didn't settle until she was in her car seat and we were heading home. Upon "rescuing" her, I could immediately tell what the problem was, there were just too many people around her. Kids of all ages were trying to make her laugh and basically just in her face. Elyse doesn't like that. Neither would I. She also doesn't like to be held close or facing you, she prefers to be held facing out so she can see what's going on. She absolutely doesn't snuggle. I could count on one hand the times she has actually laid her head on my shoulder and as heartbreaking as that can be, it's who she is and it's how she is. This one trait alone tends to bite her in the butt with others because that's the first way other people tend to soothe a baby and it only aggravates her. So that was the scene I approached, kids in her face, a nursery worker trying to hold her close, and a screaming Elyse.

I felt so discouraged by how the evening went, so discouraged that for a brief second I thought about cancelling the membership. I shouldn't do this to her I thought. Having kids of all those different ages mixed together is too much. One worker can't possibly keep up with all that and my stomach will turn every time I have to leave her in there. Once she starts crawling it will only seem worse. I felt selfish for putting her through this for something I wanted to do. Well, I just don't give up that easy on anything and this would be no exception. After talking it over with Matt last night he encouraged me that I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish over something that is important to me. We came up with a few ways to try to make it work. Instead of an evening class I went to a morning class today thinking there would be less kids during school hours. We were right, there was only one little toddler in there with Elyse. It went beautifully for both of us. I also purchased 3 personal training sessions to learn to use the equipment properly for times that I can't make it to the classes because of Elyse's nap times, etc., and I could plan to go at slower times so it's more comfortable for her.

Some people would think I'm caving too much and I should "make" Elyse "get used to it". Some people may think I shouldn't be doing it at all because of how upset she got, germs from kids, or other reasons. I like our decision and even though I can't directly discuss it with Elyse, I feel like we compromised and we're both better for it.

I never thought about things like this before Elyse was here. I guess there were a lot of things I didn't think about, but then again I couldn't because I didn't have a mother's heart yet. Having a mother's heart makes everything look different and every decision seem different and so much more crucial. It's hard. I go to bed at night hoping and praying that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources that I had that day. I know I won't always get it right and I'm sure I'll have regrets, but I try. I truly give it my best, but each day, every single day of every single week of each passing month I give her to God. I prayerfully place her in His hands and if I never get anything else right, I'm confident in that. His hedge of protection provides security I couldn't ever possibly give her. His love for her is greater than anything I could offer. His wisdom is more profound than any knowledge I'll ever have. His truths offer more assurance, consistency, and stability than I'll ever be able to model. I'm thankful each and every day that Matt and I are far from parenting her alone. I get so overwhelmed and constantly question myself with the decisions I make. Parental confidence does not come naturally or easily and I wholeheartedly hurt for people who try to do this without Him. I can't possibly imagine that and thankfully I'll never have to know.