I'm feeling the need to purge now. That didn't last long ;).

Sometimes we just need rest. I know I do. The two months leading up to September 15th are challenging in the Borrack house. Matt is a luxury during that time, a rare gift on sparse occasions. Life goes on. I support him however I can and to the best of my abilities. It isn't perfect, it isn't pretty, but it's what we do. I'm still adjusting and still learning how to do this and what doing this well looks like for us.

I was trying my best not to feel twinges of jealousy as cars carrying fathers pulled into the neighborhood in time for dinner. I told myself I was glad not to have to cook as I microwaved another frozen dinner. I casually smiled as person after person said, "I don't know how you do it." My face wore a grin but my heart whispered, "neither do I". I buckle my boot straps and care for our house and our child like any mother would. It isn't the housework, errands, or chores that get to me. I have no problem with my workload. I just miss my husband. I miss seeing him with Elyse. That's what gets to me. It's hard to see him work so hard for such long hours for such an extended period of time. He handles it very well, much better than I would. I admire his ability to carry the stress, handle the weight, and stick to the task at hand. He keeps the end in sight and never lets the baggage of work touch the floor of our home. It's amazing actually, but he's tired. He won't say it because he isn't one to complain, but he is.

Anytime I began to throw a little pity party for myself I thought of him. He is the one working the long hours and being kept from his home, his wife and his child. Then I thought about the families who have husbands over seas or those whose spouses have passed away. Then I thought of those who didn't have husbands or families at all or had ones they wish would not come home at all. Scenario after scenario reminded me of how fortunate I still am. It hit me hard, so many others have it far worse. I counted my blessings and denied my struggles.

One of the first songs we sang at the retreat was the one I'm posting below. I had never heard it before and it took me a verse or two to get into it but once I surrendered and accepted the rest, the love that was being offered to me......oh my, overwhelmed is an understatement. It's what my soul was seeking but my mind was so out of touch that I didn't even realize it was what I needed. For that song, with tear streaked cheeks, I allowed myself to be intimate with God. I sat at His feet, I drank from His cup, I laid back against him and breathed. I rested. I absorbed. I admitted I didn't have it altogether and so what if other people have it worse, right now I'm hurting and I need you God. I surrendered. In all this time on my own I needed His presence more than I realized and there it was. I've been trying to do this alone for way too long. There will always be situations that are seemingly better or worse but that doesn't change that I have to remain reliant on the source that is constantly overflowing and unchanging. It is a river I must plant myself beside and search for water nowhere else. Without it I may deny that I am thirsty but I will still grow parched, my leaves will wither and my stature will wilt which is probably why He leads me beside still waters.

I'm done purging, for now at least.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:4

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. Psalm 16:1

Lyrics don't do it justice. Here is the link to it on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4BAoVe8Y8w&NR=1

"The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe :

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you.

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...