It is becoming increasingly aware to me that I struggle greatly with esteem and confidence. A few close friends have separately pointed it out and since then I've noticed it in more and more areas of my life. I'm not talking only about looks and superficial confidence, but an overall confidence of everything about me. I've begun to notice how "needy" I am for affirmation, and not in an "oh that's normal we all need it" sort of way, but in an "I crumble inside without it" sort of way.



I'll give a few examples.



My parenting books. One of my friends said she think it's great that I want to prepare and learn as much as I can about raising children but that finishing 7 books with more to follow seemed like a bit excessive. She asked what it was I thought I would find or what would I need to read to feel like it was enough. That really got me thinking. My only honest answer was perhaps I would be content when I felt confident how I'm parenting. To be boldly honest it has almost become it's own addiction. A new trait, problem, or situation arises with Elyse and I thumb through book after book like some sort of junkie looking for a fix, okay, maybe that's a little extreme but you get the idea.



Open discussion at small group when I feel like I want to share, where I truly think I have input worthy of giving. I begin my story or point and in my mind I begin to stutter. Not physically, but mentally. I'm not nervous, I'm not shy and I'm a very open person so it has nothing to do with that, I just think I sound ridiculous. Once I start the sentence and get waist deep in it I often start back pedaling and apologize for not sounding like I should, for not getting the thoughts out the way I wanted or perhaps for realizing it was a thought I should have kept to myself. Then I'm embarrassed. You would probably think that would keep me from sharing ever again or at least at that particular meeting, but oh no, it doesn't. Another thought will come, I'll get up the courage to open my mouth and it happens all over again. In my mind I feel like if you watch me it's like seeing a train wreck happen over and over. Thankfully our group is very gracious and this doesn't seem to bother them. They allow me to be a blubbering mess and seem so love me for it anyway.



This recent haircut. I loved it at first but it wasn't as short as I originally wanted to go but because I got nervous I stopped. I loved it at first. Within a week or so it appeared more and more that the length was just awkward. It had no style, it was just a blunt, 3rd grader haircut. I asked a couple of friends and they said maybe you should go for the cut you wanted, which was a more pronounced A-line angle with some layers. I figured, hey, why not? I've already lost 10 inches what's another little trim. I don't want to have lost all that hair for nothing and I want a style, I'm going for it! My hairdresser squeezed me in and gave me some "style" free of charge. I didn't realize how much more hair this "style" would cost me. She gave me the look I wanted, no doubt, but I quickly realized it wasn't the look for me. It was too short. Way too short and now it's gone. I know that sounds dramatic, but for me it was. I think I lost something like 12 inches total.



My first thought was that I wasn't going to tell Matt I did it (he tends to prefer longer hair). I was going to wait and see if he noticed but as the evening went on I realized there was no way he wouldn't notice. I looked like a boy. I tried to put a hat on, tried to pull it back. Nothing helped. I began to cry. I sobbed. One of my prayers has always been that Matt and I only have eyes for each other, but why would he want to look at me now? I felt completely inadequate. I just wanted my hair back. I wanted to go back to the very first cut and request my usual boring trim. Walking through Target this morning I felt ashamed. If people tried to make eye contact I would quickly look to the ground, I just knew they were wondering why in the world someone would ever to do that to themselves. Again, I realize how silly and dramatic this sounds. It's just hair. It grows back. I am beautiful in my husbands eyes regardless. This story turns out fine and it's growing on me (although I wish my hair would grow faster than the idea of liking my short hair) but the point is, something like this shouldn't have had the ability to crumble me like that and I'm disappointed in myself that it did. Ugh, here I am getting down on myself about getting down.



This is a serious issue that has surfaced and one I must gain control of. I guess I've always been a little intimidated to even be confident because I feel like the line between confidence and arrogance is pretty thin so I'd rather steer clear of it entirely.



At the retreat I attended a session called "Becoming Confident by Believing God" which further pointed out the desperate need for reconstruction this area of my life was in. One of the things the speaker pointed out was that we are all God's creation and when we come down so hard on ourselves we are discounting/discrediting/disrespecting (I can't exactly remember which what word she used) Him. Ouch.....by being hard on myself am I in turn being hard on God? She went on to say that poor-self image causes us to operate in fear (for me it was parenting, speaking, image fears) instead of faith and we look at what is wrong with us instead of what is right with Jesus.

Fear:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Is this really what I'm doing? Accepting false evidence as true?



Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139: 23-24)



I'm going to go ahead and post this although it's probably a bit premature. I would rather be posting with a great, victorious story of redemption but I have a feeling since I struggle so greatly with this that it, like many things, is something that will be a work in progress for my entire life.