Inadequate

While driving I heard a psychologist on the radio say, "A child's most important role model is their same sex parent."

I'm having a little girl . . . that means me.

I've never been someones role model before and I certainly don't feel like enough to be her role model. By enough I mean smart enough, strong enough, skilled enough, spiritual enough, good enough, experienced enough . . . enough of anything to be a role model. Hearing it said like that on the radio did something to me and it surfaced all these thoughts and fears. I felt like I was doing ok with our checklist of nesting straws that need to be laid in place. I'm researching products and decisions, making phone calls and attending appointments, scheduling classes and cleaning out closets . . . I felt like I was on track. I wasn't thinking about the role model part or what that even really means. I think it scared me most because there is no preparation checklist or classes you can attend on being my daughter's role model. I became scared of becoming a mother and having someone so innocent and unscathed be so dependent on someone like me. How are you ever prepared for that? How do you ever feel fit for such an honor?

I did what all composed mother's do and I cried. I drove and I cried. I pictured her in the back seat of my SUV tucked in her car seat and I talked to her in my rear view mirror through my tears. I told her I was sorry that mommy was so scared. I promised her my best but that I didn't know how good that would be. I told her how much I love her already and how much her daddy loves her. The feelings of fear and inadequacy consumed my insides and I literally felt sick to my stomach. I was so scared. I desperately wanted a pause button on this pregnancy to give me more time to figure this out. I talked to her through streaming tears for awhile longer, but the fear didn't lift and the tears didn't stop and I knew I wasn't going about this the right way.

I turned my conversation to God and expressed my fears and prayed for parental wisdom and confidence. I wanted to keep talking to Him, venting, asking, but I just stopped. I felt exhausted. I focused my silent thoughts entirely on Him and His presence in that car. He wrapped those loving arms around me and I just know He held me right there in that driver's seat. Such an intense sense of calm and comfort came over me, my fears lifted and my tears stopped. In that moment I did what I knew was all that needed to be done all along . . . I promised my little girl to Him.

"Role model". Ready or not that's my job and she is coming. God thinks I'm enough and He believes we're ready or she wouldn't be here as we speak. He has even provided Matt and I with the perfect parenting manual in His word. "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). I'm so glad I have His truth to fall back on and not my own because left on my own I'm a disaster. I don't have all the answers and I am without a doubt going to mess up. There will be multiple times I fail and I know parenting will be a daily struggle, but I am far from alone in this.

I am enough and I am more than just "adequate", I was created for this.