Purposeful Singing

For some reason Elyse has decided she likes my singing. I'll lean over her little face and start singing any random song and she just grins so big. She'll pull her fists in tight to her face, almost as though she's trying to smile with her entire body, and she'll just sit there and listen. When I pause during the song she will make every effort to muster up a tune of her own back to me. It's so cute because you can tell she has to focus so hard to share this purposeful sound with me. It made me think of another post I made while I was pregnant. I had to dig back in the archives to January to find it....it seems like so long ago.

I read through multiple older posts to find the one I was looking for and reading through them quickly took me back to that time in our lives where we were awaiting the arrival of our baby, not even knowing her gender yet. As I scanned the multiple posts, topics, and feelings, I became very grateful that I blog and have those entries to reflect back on. The other thing it pointed out to me was how close I was to God then, how dependent I was on Him. I turned to Him for everything and lifted every care or concern into His loving hands and now I can look back clearer than before and see that He took care of each and every one of them. In hind-sight I'm sure my reliance increased out of the lack of control I had over everything that was going on. Giving up the pilot seat to God in life has always been hard and has always been a power struggle of control for me and back then, I had no choice. There was a child forming inside my body and I had no control over the outcome but more dreams and fears than I'd ever known, so I turned to Him. It was a process of months and months but I remember feeling closer to God in those final days of my pregnancy than I ever had in my life because I truly surrendered to His will and He took such very good care of me.

I just kept reading post after post and I feel like I don't even know the girl who wrote those things and felt those feelings. I've drifted. As I sit and type I'm trying to muster up excuses and reasons, but each time I think of something I know it's a futile attempt to cover up something I need to take ownership for. I'm the one who moved and I'm sorry. He is the rubber gripper on the soles of my life and without Him, .....well....it's just plain slippery and that much more likely that I'll fall. One slip leads to another and before I know it I've experienced a slow fade of far greater magnitude than it ever initially looked like.

Our small group exercise this week is in conjunction with Psalm 139 and the study guide prompts us to engage in three transforming prayers....search me, stretch me, lead me. I asked Him to search me and point out any offensive way in me....I didn't think I heard an answer but today I hear it loud and clear. He promises to leave the 99 in search of the one.....He sought me out through the grin of my daughter at my singing and is pulling me back. I've drifted, He's never moved an inch....I'm so thankful for that.