Loosing myself

I feel like almost all I blog about anymore is pregnancy or baby related. Granted, my blog is about my life and that's what my life is about right now, but I don't want this to be just a baby blog. I don't want to become so consumed by "baby-ness" that I loose my sense of self and the multiple occurrences and lessons in life that have nothing to do with the baby.

It was so sweet of Matt to get me a card and gift for mother's day, but at the same time it was eye opening. Staring at my name on that envelope and then the word "mom" in parentheses right next to it stirred me. I know I'm about to become a mom, but I still want to be Ursula. You hear so many people referenced as "so-in-so's mom" that it's easy to see how you loose yourself if you aren't careful. I'll often be known as "Elyse's mom" and I'm sure I'll introduce myself that way at times too, but hopefully I'll somehow have figured out a way to balance being Ursula too.

I can tell it's already begun because my birthday is a couple of weeks away and it completely slipped my mind until someone asked me about it. They wanted to know what I wanted to do for my birthday, which was normally something I enjoyed planning ahead of time, and it just doesn't feel important this year and I'm not sure if it will ever have the same importance again. Sure, I wouldn't mind dinner out with family or friends, but I have a feeling my birthday is going to sneak up for years to come and often pass unnoticed by me until someone else mentions it. I'm more than ok with this, but it's just an example of how you apparently loose, or rather give, a part of yourself to your child.

This reminds me of one of my favorite lines in the book The Purpose Driven Life: What on earth am I here for?, it happens to be the opening line..."It's not about you. The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."

So maybe I'm being reminded again that it's not about me and it's not about "baby-ness" either, it's about Him and in that case, I hope I do loose myself.