I'm really not crazy

After all this "gender anticipation" stress, I had wonderful, helpful, encouraging feedback from women who are friends, but also moms. Thank you again girls!

I was doing a couple of things with doubting whether or not we wanted to find out what this child is. I was so wrapped up in dwelling on all the things we would loose (the wonder and anticipation of it all), that I completely overlooked everything we would gain from knowing . . . and there is so much to be gained!

Also, I was just able to put my finger on what one of my issues was. I believe that for me specifically, and I imagine most moms as well, my maternal heart is swollen perfectly in half. One half is head over heels in love with this little boy I'm carrying, the other half is head over heels in love with this little girl I'm carrying. God has given me a heart for this child that is so unbiased that I didn't want to know what it is because it means it's not the other, and right now I'm madly in love with the thought of either. Does that make sense? Probably only to me, but that's ok, this is my blog.

I had a friend with 2 little boys (who then found out she was pregnant with a baby girl) tell me that when she found out she was finally going to have her little girl she felt a surge of excitement immediately followed by a sense of loss for the little boy that wasn't within her . . . that's the feeling I'm anticipating for myself. To be overwhelmed and speechless with amazement, awe, joy, thanksgiving, and happiness with knowing what this precious miracle is, but a brief sense of sadness for what it isn't, regardless of what that is.

I know I'm a blabbering mess, but I just want to get this out before we find out so that I can watch how my heart and thoughts are molded and changed by the different aspects of this pregnancy. I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at how ridiculous I sound sometimes and how some thoughts should just remain in my head if I want to keep any of my friends who think I'm normal.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I LOVE where my heart is right now and I feel like I am in the prefect place to find out what this baby is. I love that my heart is so incredibly swollen for our child that I feel like I'm actually loving two children! I can already look back and see what God has done. Before I was ever pregnant I felt like I did have a preference. I knew that was not the right place for my heart to be and I gave it to God. It was so important to me to have His plans and desires for us over mine. I prayed very specifically for God to perfectly prepare my heart for this very baby and once again He has gone above and beyond my wildest expectations of what I thought that meant. God is so good.

Mostly I can't wait to experience this with my husband. I have a feeling this will go down in my book of life as one of the top ten moments thus far. I am so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed with joy to be sharing it with the the man in which I am so madly in love and honored to be doing this with.