Chaos

People have often said to me..."I bet you love being home with Elyse." I do love being home with her, but sometimes I overwhelm myself if I sit and think about how much our lives have truly changed. If I let my mind wander too much I start to get anxious over potty training and helping with homework. I get nervous that I wouldn't ever know how to handle more than one child and I get scared I'm going to royally mess her up. Will I be able to raise her up in the way that she should go and a way that God would be proud of? Are ways we soothe her cries creating bad habits? When it comes down to it, do I have what it takes to raise her? How will I know what kind of discipline is appropriate when and will I have it in me to follow it through? Have I somehow failed at parenting already? My mind can become a big pile of chaos and again I feel as though I've failed at something that hasn't even begun. Why do I do this to myself?

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is the same anymore...that's not to say it's in a bad way, just totally and completely different. Even during extreme fatigue and sleepless nights she amazes me and I'm thankful every singe day for her. It's hard to explain without it sounding bad, but I am glad we didn't have a baby any sooner than we did. I don't think you truly realize what you are signing up for until their here. The first week she was born Matt and I would just sit and stare at her. Every aspect of her miniature features and talking in detail about her hair, nose, fingernails, and just doing our best to soak it all in....we were in complete awe and utter amazement.

After an amazing birth experience and a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby....I remember sitting in my hospital bed in the middle of the night and glancing back and forth between Elyse and Matt who were peacefully sleeping and I got all teary eyed. I thought to myself..."we were so ready for this and I'm so glad to be starting this part of our lives." I was overwhelmed with joy...it was like I was on a high and it was so exhilarating. The world seemed so brand new to me. When we got home I said to Matt, "I want 10 more just like this". So much of both of us feel like our lives truly started when she arrived. I didn't even notice the sleep I was missing out on, I just wanted to be with Matt and Elyse every second I could. We both loved dressing and changing her, having her fall asleep in our arms, and we cherished the few minutes a day she was actually awake and alert. It was heaven.

By the second week I was so sleep deprived and tired, my milk leaked on my shirt, my pants, and Elyse....again. I was still hurting from childbirth and I could tell my hormones were all over the place trying to adjust. I tried to lay down for a nap and my hard, painful, engorged chest woke me up in pain a half hour later. I either needed to pump or feed Elyse before I went insane but all I wanted was some sleep. I walked out of the bedroom to figure out a solution and Matt said to me...."I thought you were going to take a nap." I lost it and I just started crying. I told him, "I think she will be an only child, I knew this would be hard, but I don't think I truly knew what I was signing up for." Thank God for the supporter and encourager Matt is because he knew just how to handle me. He hugged me, held me, assured me it wouldn't be this way for long and one day we'll miss this time. I fed Elyse and he took over with her from there while I went to rest again. I wasn't disturbed until she needed to eat again 3 hours later and by then I felt like a new woman. I don't do well without sleep, I'm a horrible napper, and it takes me a long time to fall asleep. There were so many nights that I would feed Elyse, lay her back down asleep, and by the time I would be drifting off myself she would be up again to eat...this went on for a little while and I fought through it, although sometimes through tears....but we endured.

Thankfully now that we are coming to the end of week three I can say that I am a much better napper and can usually fall asleep pretty fast...it just took some time for me to adjust. Actually, adjust is an understatement...you adjust things like your pants or the seat in your car...your world is rocked beyond measure and turned completely upside down, and at times it's hard. While I was pregnant everyone said over and over to "expect chaos", "sure hope you're ready for this", "you'll never sleep the same again"....what people failed to tell us was that one glimpse of this tiny, beautiful person that formed inside you, one touch of her tiny hand, one whimper of her fragile voice, one sensation of her skin against yours...and you never doubt for a second that it's all completely worth it and you wouldn't trade it for anything. A piece of your heart and soul is now separate from your body and you'd do anything for her. Her cries will break your heart, her smile will warm it, watching her sleep will bring you a feeling of peace you never new existed, you'll dream through her, spend hours wondering and imagining about the woman to be unfolded...people left that part out. I've seen and experienced some incredible things...a Hawaiian sunset, an Alaskan glacier, the waters of Lake Powell, Jamaican sands...but nothing could come close to holding a candle to looking at the face of my daughter.

So yes, in part those people were right but no one told me how much I would love this chaos.