Merry Christmas, happy busyness

I haven't blogged in awhile. I try to do at least a couple of posts per week, but this week it was especially hard. Christmas kept us busy in such a good way, that it was hard to think about getting on the computer.

Being a nurse I usually have to work a portion of the holidays so for us that usually means cramming two large meals, as much time with family as possible, along with 3 hours of driving into one day. This was the first time I had the eve and the day off in 5 years and it was such a treat. It made me realize how fortunate we are to have both of our families within an hour or so of us.

We spent Christmas Eve with Matt's side, 7 of us total. We had an amazing non-traditional dinner of salad, baked ziti, and peanut butter pie. It was so nice to spend time with his family.

Christmas day we slept in and headed to my family's in the afternoon. Between parents, sisters, nieces, and significant others, there were 10 of us. We had a deliciously filling traditional dinner of turkey, ham, and all the fixings. I purposely tried to eat really fast so I wouldn't realize how full I was getting, but then came the stomach ache. It lasted well into Friday, but it was worth it. I thought silently to myself during the meal that I was thankful to be at this stage of my pregnancy at the holidays . . . my appetite is back and eating is fun again!

One of the sweetest gifts we got was from Matt's aunt Christina. She took a sono picture from my blog, had it framed in an ornament that said, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and on the back was the cutest little poem:

We await our little miracle, at this glorious time of year. This glimpse of your beginnings, we will always hold dear. Grow healthy and strong, we are waiting for you. A sweet Christmas celebration, for a precious life anew. . . . Yes, I cried. Seeing our baby's picture, sensing it saying to me, I'm your little miracle, safe inside your womb. Be patient as I grow just right, we'll hold each other soon. I already love you, although our eyes have yet to meet. I felt your joy inside, the day you witnessed my heart beat.

I so treasure this glimpse of our baby and it will be such a treat to have it adorn our tree each year as a reminder of this time in our lives.

After work the next day (Friday) I met up with some friends, one of whom was visiting from California. We all went to dinner and again, I ate too much. It was so good to see her though.

Saturday we took down all of our Christmas decorations, cleaned house a little, and got things back to normal. I think this was the earliest I've taken down decorations, but it was such a relief to have it done and behind us before another busy week began.

So here we are on my typical Monday. I went to the gym, did my grocery shopping, and will try to get a few things done before I head to the center and work the next couple of days. Then it will be the new year!

Our weekend

Friday night was our small group Christmas party. The attire . . . Christmas sweaters. The pictures speak for themselves, but it made me or very colorful, festive, and unique array of Christmas spirit.

We came to the conclusion that there wasn't a single guy there wearing a men's sweater!

Check out Wade in just the vest! His beautiful wife Jen wore a sweater that actually lit up! Those 2 were made for each other.

We had a wonderful dinner and white elephant gift card exchange that was a lot of fun.

There are 3 people you can't see in the picture of us girls . . . 3 of us are pregnant! I think that's awesome.

Saturday we had our new couch delivered! Those of you who know me know I have been waiting for awhile now to replace the couches that came with Matt. We have sat on numerous couches, saved money, and waited since July for this one to go on sale and now it's here. I would post a picture but since it's a sectional we are still toying with the configuration of it and may swap some pieces to create a slightly different arrangement. Either way, it's VERY comfortable and gives us more seating room . . . we are very pleased with our patience and purchase. We ended Saturday evening with dinner out and a little shopping.

Sunday found us at the Bucs game once again :). This time was even better than usual though because Matt was able to take a few clients and we got to sit in the club section. They were great seats, but definitely not worth the $300 per seat difference compared to our tickets. It never fails to amaze me how much seats sell for, it's pretty crazy. With such gorgeous weather and a great view of the field, it's a shame we lost.

Monday will find us doing . . . who knows what. We both have the day off from work, so we are looking forward to it. I love a day with nothing penciled in and no lists to get done, but I'm sure we'll fill it with something.

Baby bump!

We are rapidly approaching 15 weeks, nearing the end of our 4th month of pregnancy, which is very exciting! I've read that most women will have gained 5 to 10 pounds by this time, and even though I haven't gained any weight yet, I think I have the beginnings of a baby bump! :)

This excites me on so many levels. For one, it helps me feel pregnant since I don't really have any other symptoms to speak of. Two, people can finally rub actual baby belly and not just my fat roll. Three, I think it's pretty cute. Four, even though all my tops and bottoms still fit, I ordered some maternity clothes because I know this little pooch is going to grow fast :). Five, I love the way it feels when Matt cups my slightly rounded abdomen between his hands, knowing that just beneath it's delicate casing our child is resting, kicking, and growing.

Sorry the picture isn't the greatest, but I took one by popular demand and it's the best I could do by myself. I should start tracking myself week by week so we can watch the bump grow! I am probably not your typical pregnant person because I welcome a big, healthy belly. A big belly means a growing baby that is still being nurtured in the best possible place, inside it's mother and not in a NICU.

I read this week that our baby can hear sounds now and is half the size of a banana! I have looked at bananas differently all week now, it's kinda funny. I also read that if we were to shine a flashlight on my belly, the baby would squirm away and squint in response even though the eyelids are still fused.

Then I read a different source showing we were more like the size of a lemon or naval orange. Guess I'll feel funny eating those too ;).

Simple socks

This needs to be a productive week. My list isn't horribly long or incredibly overwhelming, but needless to say, there are things that need to be done. I think I even feel this more so because we did absolutely NOTHING on Saturday, and I mean nothing. We didn't get out of our pajamas until late in the afternoon when we showered and put on lounge clothes to pick up take-out for dinner and rent a movie. We sat around, talked, planned, napped, talked, spent some time visualizing and dreaming, ate, sat around, you get the idea.

Days like that would normally drive me completely bananas. I thrive on being productive and I'm horrible at relaxing but we both said to each other, "This time next year we'll be begging for a day like this." So soak it in we did.

In all of that sitting around in house clothes it made me realize one of my favorite small pleasures in life. I love a pair of new socks. The white is so bright and the soles are not yet telling the imperfect tale of your tile floor or that you sometimes walk into the garage without slipping on shoes. They are perfection. There is just something about slipping clean relaxed feet into the soft, unworn cotton of new socks. Especially the ones with the added cushioning on the bottom and the little bit of extra elastic that hugs the arch of your foot making them feel extra nice. New socks always feel as though they were tailor fit for me, and I love that.

All to quickly they become stretched, dingy, and often mis-matched, but still in far too good condition to be thrown away. So we wear them around the house, to work, or to the gym, but we often put on our nice socks if we think someone might see them, or keep our shoes on if we know holes hide just beneath the surface. This makes me think of what I often do with God. I let myself become ashamed and embarrassed of my stains and the way I have allowed the world to wear me down and stretch my cotton thin. I want to hide my dull color or disguise it as purposeful beige. For a long time that was me, purposeful beige. I had failures, baggage, fears, and disappointments that took away from the luster I told myself was required. I didn't let it completely stop me, like I said, this beige was purposeful, but it wasn't my all, it wasn't my best, and it's not all He had for me.

Psalm 23:1-3 says it better than I ever could:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

It's a well quoted scrpiture and I'm still learning exactly what it means, but I try my best to follow my Shepherd. Not in a sheepish, frightened, passive sort of way . . . but as one wise enough (who has learned the hard way) to follow the One who will lead me in the right places and right ways. He knows the "green pastures" and "quiet waters" that will restore me, and restore me He did. He bleached my beige and cushioned my soul . . . get it, like the "sole" of my sock, but I said "soul". Okay, maybe it wasn't that clever. Regardless, he continually renews me and guides me when I listen and although I'm often not the best listener, He has made these old socks new while keeping the exact same product. I think it's pretty neat.

If I had lots of money, I think it would be fun to only wear new socks and experience daily this small simple pleasure. But that's just it I guess, if I did it everyday it wouldn't be all that it is to me now.

KPMG Christmas Party

Friday night we went to Matt's work Christmas party. Great food, great friends, great fun! Heather and I wore almost exactly the same dress . . . great minds think alike and who can resist such a cute look at only $14!

I slept in that morning in case the festivities stretched late into the night, and it's a good thing I did, we were heading home around midnight.

On another note, it's been cold outside which led Mandy to find a cozy little sun spot in the office. I just had to share how adorable she looked basking away.

A precious son or darling daughter?

The ever popular question people love to ask pregnant people . . . "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

The honest and true answer, especially being an NICU nurse, is a perfect set of 23 pairs of chromosomes, a four chamber heart, 10 fingers and 10 toes, etc. A neonatologist I worked with always said it best . . . "nothing missing, nothing extra". I fully believe that you are given exactly what you are supposed to have, the child designed specifically for you. A healthy baby and a healthy mommy chosen for us by God, that's my answer, but people don't ever seem satisfied with that. So here is my best attempt at explaining the unbiased desires of my heart.

As a young girl I made a lot of my dolls boys. I would cut hair, change them to blue clothes, and adjust the assigned name if needed. I had girl dolls I adored too, but I preferred boy dolls. I don't know why, perhaps it was because I was the middle of 3 girls, who knows. Either way, as a child I typically pictured myself having sons, as a young adult I pictured daughters, and now I can hardly fathom it's happening period, much less knowing the gender. I have no instincts, I hope that doesn't make me a bad mother already.

Being the middle of 3 girls and an aunt to 2 adorable nieces, it's obvious the girl gene runs deep on my side of the family. I love girls, I love being a girl, I love having sisters, I love girly things, and my family probably wouldn't know what to do with a boy.

Now here is the truth of the matter. My amazing husband adores the ladies in his life. I can say with up most confidence, sincere honesty, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is not a single day that passes where I don't know that I am his entire world. He adores me and it means the world to me. Being a part of his family for a little while now, I have had the privilege to watch him doddle over his grandmother (Oma) and tend to her needs. It's like nothing I've ever witnessed. He grew up just houses away from her, so they have always been close and it's a bond I've come to greatly admire. From what others have told me, it was no different with his mother before she passed away. He is just that kind of man. He loves his girls and it shows. It speaks volumes of the heart contained within my husband's chest, and I'm so thankful to be one of his precious ladies.

With that said, I desire a household of boys just like him. I realize and greatly appreciate what a rare gem I have in my husband. I would love to see honorable men raised up in just that manner, adoring the women in their life . . . starting with me (no, I'm not selfish at all). To have "my boys", my house full of doting men, and to see them become a wonderful, much needed addition to this society we live in that appears to be loosing this tender trait . . . nothing would make me prouder.

Here is where some brutal honesty comes out . . . . The due date of our baby is right around my birthday and I have this fear that if it's a girl, she will be born on my birthday and I will be forgotten for the rest of my life (no, I'm not dramatic either). I would of course adore her and embrace the amazing bond that courses through our veins resounding of the love a mother and daughter uniquely share. But I am in no denial that my spotlight would shift. There would be two leading ladies under one roof, and although that may scare me, I know he has enough T.L.Matt (that's what we call it) to go around. As selfish as I am to want to keep this amazing man all to myself, to know that a little girl gets to experience that kind of love, the kind of adoration girls yearn for, to see him with her . . . nothing would make me prouder.

So you see, I'm being completely honest when I say that I really don't care what we have. There are so many wonderful things about either one and I'm thankful the decision isn't left up to us, He knows better than anyone the ultimate gift wrapped within my womb designed perfectly for us.

It hit me

We were watching the end of a Christmas movie this weekend called Fred Claus. If you haven't seen it, I definitely recommend it. This doesn't give anything away, but during the last few scenes of the movie it shows in various homes children tearing open gifts in anticipation of the packages hiding just beneath the paper. Surrounding them are their parents, grandparents, or other friends or family. Huge grins, warm smiles . . . and for just a brief moment in time, that same childhood feeling of Christmas exhilaration came over me. I pictured our family of 5 on Christmas Eve driving around to look at Christmas lights and playing a good ol' round of the "Christmas game" before we were off to bed. My 2 sisters and I would usually sleep in the same room, sometimes even the same bed. We would talk and laugh until late into the night and I promise you, we heard reindeer hooves on the roof. It's funny now that I think about it, I never actually remember falling asleep. Every year I would say I was going to stay up all night, but I never once made it.

Late to bed, early to rise and we would attack the tree and stockings. Once mom and dad were up, the smell of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls filled the air. The rest of the day went for us like it did for most families, but we all know the simple joy and pleasure that comes from that.

After my brief trip down memory lane, it hit me. These same stories and memories are beginning in my own life with my own little family. This is the last Christmas in the Borrack house where it is just Matt and I. Christmas as we know it will take on a whole new meaning when it's our child pleading with us and tugging on our pj's to get up so gifts can be opened. My house will be the one smelling like cinnamon rolls. Traditions will blend and weave into a beautiful pattern all our own. I can't comprehend the feeling of watching our child's face slowly change from wonder and curiosity to overwhelming joy of what's wrapped just beneath the thin colorful paper. Our tree now adorn with his, hers, and ours ornaments will be shared with egg carton angels and walnut snowmen covered in glue and glitter. I will proudly hang the paper ornament displaying our gorgeous child's school photo as they argue in the background about how much they can't stand that picture. Instead of staying up late leaving cookies and carrots for Santa and hearing reindeer hooves, I will be loosing sleep behind our bedroom door wrapping gifts and stuffing stockings. I'm now typing through tears. This life I have prayed for, a child my arms have hoped for, a home my heart has desired . . . it has begun.

It's scary, it's exciting, and it leaves me full of anticipation, but there is no need to rush it. I am going to soak in every aspect of this last Christmas of just the 2 of us. This will go by all too fast and this baby is only 13 weeks in the making, I guess I shouldn't cry about their paper ornaments yet. I can start Christmas off right for our family though. This Christmas I can read my child the story of our Savior, the true and only reason of why we have Christmas.

What a good weekend

Do you ever just sigh at the end of a weekend and feel so proud and happy with everything you accomplished over the last few days? It's not very often, but Matt and I both did that last night.

Friday I got some errands, chores, and laundry done after my morning workout. I am very excited about a purchase I made for our bedroom. I found the perfect rug to match our unique color scheme. Now if I could just get rid of those vertical blinds. One thing at a time though.

Friday evening on our way to our small group bible study we ate at Five Guys (mmmmmmmm.......). At group we had a great time visiting with everyone, but also learning about silence with God. It's was wonderful.

Saturday we slept in and then hit the road to Port Richey. Matt got new tires for his car and we went to lunch with Mark and Kathy while we were there. On our way back home we stopped in to visit Oma. Matt took care of some things for her, and we were on our way. Once home we changed clothes and headed to the gym. Later we cooked and ate dinner together, followed by a Christmas movie and cookies on the couch.
Sunday we went to the early service, stopped by Wal-Mart for some things, took Matt to get a haircut, and made sandwiches for lunch at home all by 11:30am. We put the final trimmings on some Christmas decorating and then began to clean out closets, go through old clothes, and Matt cleaned up and straighted the garage. We filled my SUV to the top and took a full load to the Salvation Army.

On the surface our house doesn't look much different, but it feels a little less cluttered and more organized and that makes me happy. We realize we will have to maximize our storage space in the months to come as our family grows, so we were trying to at least get a start on it now.

Sunday evening we had a "date night" out. We went to a nice dinner followed by the "Love Came Down at Christmas" concert with Jars of Clay. The music, stories of the birth of our savior, cold weather, hot tea, all snuggled near my main squeeze really sparked the Christmas spirit for me.

*Sigh* House-hold accomplishments, family, and time together. And although there are still many things needing to be done, this was a very good weekend.

Growing pains

Apparently the most common pregnancy symptom is back pain. It makes total sense to me that women would experience this in the later portion of pregnancy, it didn't make sense at first that it is so common at this stage.

The hormones secreted during pregnancy cause ligaments and joints to loosen, including those in your back, particularly the discs of your spine. And even though I haven't gained any weight yet, my center of gravity is thrown off and added stress is already placed on my back due to my enlarging uterus shifting things about. Well, regardless of the reason . . . it hurts like the dickens.

Matt's plane landed from Memphis late Wednesday night. He got a bad cold while he was there and is also having very pesky ear trouble. He drug his fatigued body in the front door sniffling away carrying a heating pad for me that he stopped and bought on his way from the airport. To top it off, he encouraged me to go for a 60 minute massage this afternoon. To make him happy, I'm going to go ;). Again I find myself wondering how I ended up with such a thoughtful husband.

I heard an alarming statistic last night . . . domestic violence calls in the Largo area alone have gone up 400% in the last year. That made me cry, I was humbled in appreciation for my marriage. The images of so many hurting, lost people being consumed by anger, fear, violence, control, or whatever ails them. I'm so sad for them. I hurt for any children involved in the crossfire and I'm reminded again that everyone needs compassion and the kindness and hope found in our Savior.

Another, more uplifting number is that the Pregnancy Center has saved 235 babies so far this year!

Almost 13 weeks now!

We went to the doctor today, it was our second time going since we've been pregnant and I can already see the routine. Sign in, pee in a cup, weigh in, vital signs, and . . . HEAR THE BABY'S HEART BEATING!!!!! This was a first for us today and it was very special. The doctor commented on what a big milestone this was for us (little does he know I've peeked in and known everything was ok all along). A strong 160 beats per minute was our number. Matt said it sounded like a freight train . . . that wasn't quite what I pictured, but hey, freight trains are strong so I'll take it.

On a table at the office there was a coupon for a 4D ultrasound for $45 at a new place that was opening. I made a comment to Matt about what a good deal that was even though it was too early for us to do that right now. The woman taking my vital signs overheard and said "You would want to wait until you're at least 30 weeks, there isn't much to look at right now, maybe a little peanut." The core of my maternal and spiritual being was stirred . . . even the worker at the prenatal doctor's office appears uninformed about the miraculous things these baby's are doing from just days after conception in the womb. I had my camera in my purse (I had been showing off the video of our incredible baby to anyone and everyone who would watch for days) and I wanted to show her too. I wanted her to see that when she said there "isn't much", she was referring to my child who was dancing around it's secluded quarters as we spoke. I kept it to myself though because I wasn't sure how it would sound coming out at that moment because I was a little angered and defensive of my child without a voice. I immediately thought of James chapter 3 where it talks about taming the tongue, so I kept mine silent and did what all mature people do . . . I stuck out my quiet tongue at her when I walked around the corner. I've got a ways to go but I'm trying . . . baby steps.

I know I've been spoiled and I am so very thankful for the glimpses I've had to see our baby. God must have known I would need that reassurance, maybe that's why He sent me to volunteer at the center almost a year ago. The women there have supported and encouraged me in numerous ways this past year and I know the growth I've had reflects it.

Presenting . . . Baby Borrack!

I couldn't resist the sono machine at the Pregnancy Center this evening, who could really? Since Matt is in Memphis for work, I brought my camera and recorded this glimpse in the womb of our little one so he can see it tonight and feel close to us. The girls I volunteer with and I had the best time playing with our baby so ignore the girly shrills and references to gender because we don't know that yet. You don't hear my voice much, I just tried to soak it in as tears came down my cheeks. I AM SO IN LOVE! It was so much fun!

From 2 little pink lines on a pee test, to this. I still have difficulty wrapping my mind around this miraculous gift from God and grasping that for some reason, He chose Matt and I as parents for this perfect child that ultimately is on loan from Him. I'm humbled, thankful, and far from worthy. Words cannot express the love I feel for our child. . . my heart swells as this baby pushes everything else aside and fills it with it's presence. It is a love that is growing each and everyday, I anticipate and am looking so forward to nothing but a lifetime of that.

We miss you daddy!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4)

One more huge reason to be thankful this year!

It will feel so good to finally let the cat out of the bag, here is our most recent news:

I was blessed enough to find out for our 1 year anniversary. We celebrated our anniversary on a Saturday night and I found out Sunday morning. I wrapped up the test with the pink and blue baby hats and gave it to Matt as an anniversary gift. As he tore the paper, I told him, "I wanted to do one more thing for you for our anniversary . . . . . . . .make you a dad."

If there are 2 moments in life I would freeze and soak in for as long as a possible, it would be his proposal to me, and this. His face was priceless, our joy uncontainable, our mouths speechless. We sat in shock and just held each other as tears welled up. In the rush of emotion, we just burst into laughter, I don't think either of us had ever smiled so big. We went to church as usual, but I don't think either of us heard a word. We just kept looking at each other in amazement, giggling and blushing. We hadn't been "trying" long at all and we both wanted this badly, but I must admit, I'm a little scared.

Why don't I feel pregnant? Will I be able to carry this baby to term? Will I miscarry? Will the baby and I be healthy throughout the process? What should I eat? What do I avoid? If we survive the pregnancy and birth, will I even be a good mom? How much do baby's really cost? Are we really ready? What books should I be reading? The list of questions is endless and changes minute by minute. However, I do know that as always God has nothing but His best for us . . . “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:22). That is a verse I have reminded myself of very often.

I would not be surprised if something outside of my "plans" or "dreams" were to happen. Why do I think this? Because I have a marriage. Not just any marriage, but a marriage I believe can endure anything, a marriage built on a firm foundation, a marriage backed by faith, hope, and love. I also think this because I have my God. I have a God who teaches me through trials and has loved me through losses. He has shaped my personal testimony throughout my life and I know He will continue to do so. I'm just not ever sure how, but I trust it, I trust Him.

Monday October 6th
I walked through the baby section at Target differently today than any other time before. I looked and touched some of the different baby items, but it just doesn't seem real yet. I am beyond ecstatic and thankful, but I guess it just hasn't sunk in. I never thought I would be one of those girls living out her childhood dream, but somehow I have been blessed with this life.

I have also learned that the "pregnancy glow" for me is just oily skin. I have the worst acne I have had in years. I think people just call it a "glow" because telling someone they look "oily" might not go over well in a raging hormone body.

Tuesday October 7th
I'm off from work today and spent an abnormal amount of time online researching different things. With the things they say you can't eat, touch, use, or be around, it amazes me that any of us ever survived life in the womb.

I made our first OB appointment for October 30th. I will be a little over 7 weeks if all goes well. I started laughing when the receptionist on the other line said "Congratulations!" It still doesn't seem real.

I went grocery shopping for the first time pregnant today. Pregnant . . . me? Really? I still am not used to it. I bought odd things. I bought some organic stuff, fruit, and some veggies because I know I needed to, but what sounded good was sloppy joe's, scrambled eggs, and soup, so I bought some of that as well. Maybe I do feel pregnant because usually I don't care for beef at all. In fact, the day before I found out I couldn't choke down a Diet Mt. Dew (I normally LOVE them and drink 2 or more a day) and begged to go to Five Guys for a burger (I had never been there and don't like burgers).

Thursday October 9th

I am finding it increasingly hard not to share this wonderful news. I have read and heard over and over to wait until the end of the first trimester to tell people you're expecting. This makes total sense to me. Most miscarriages happen during this time, and personally, I wouldn't want to have to face those "I feel sorry for you faces" and be confronted with situations where people don't know what to say. Having to "un-tell" people would be hard. Working as an NICU nurse, I also know you're never really out of the woods. Yes, the percentages drop and statistics change the further you progress in your pregnancy, but until I hold this baby in my arms, there is no "safe" time.

I also disagree with waiting to tell because right now, today, I am pregnant. I am extremely thankful, filled with joy, and excited! I want to run out on my driveway and scream that we are having a baby! I want to call everyone in my cell phone and share this amazing news! I want our current ecstatic feeling to be shared by those closest to us. No matter how long I'm pregnant, this baby lived. It lived in me. It is a member of our family and has become part of our future plans. If we were to loose this baby I somehow feel we would have short-changed it and ourselves by keeping this in. No one else shared and rejoiced in this baby's life or would morn in it's loss. I lovingly pat my unchanged tummy throughout the day and Matt softly kisses it goodnight, it's hard to keep this in. Again I'm torn because I love our little secret, this intimate little person only he and I know about. We talk about it only to each other and it's fun, but is it what's right for us?

We use this scripture at the Pregnancy Center a lot and it has taken on a whole new meaning these last few days. Psalm 139:13-16 says "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." I love that verse right now.

Friday October 10th
All day today I could not get over how "normal" I felt. I do not feel pregnant at all. I don't pee any more frequently, my chest isn't sore, no nausea, no nothing. I hope this doesn't make me a horrible mother, but I sometimes forget I'm pregnant. It makes me anxious. I just want so desperately to know that our baby is okay, that I didn't somehow get 7 false positive tests and miss a period by chance.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Phil 4:6) . . . . . . . . . . . done.

Wednesday October 16th

I still feel wonderful. Maybe if I really sit and think about it, I'm a little more tired than usual, and my chest is finally sore and I'm happy about that, weird I know, but at least it makes me "feel" somewhat pregnant.

It's funny to me how our little one already guides so many of my daily decisions. I grab V8 instead of Diet Mt. Dew; something I want to purchase for myself I will place back on the shelf knowing that money will be needed for something of greater importance; I laid miserable on the couch yesterday with a splitting headache knowing Tylenol was my only safe option. I took it, but as always, Tylenol has never worked for me. Aleve, Excedrin, Advil, anything but Tylenol helps. So for our little one I squirmed miserably with an ice pack and whispered to my baby . . . "I hope you like me when you come because my head hurts so bad right now and I can't stand V8." It so amazing to me that it is already worth every sacrifice to come. God really knew what He was doing when He armed a woman with maternal instincts.

Monday October 20th
It was so much fun to tell them and now our immediate families know! It feels like such a relief to share this wonderful news and be wrapped in the arms of their excitement. I'm glad we decided to tell them now and not later.

I've fretted about not feeling pregnant and just wanting to know everything is ok over and over. Matt has told me from the beginning . . . "baby just slow down, you're going to miss this time of anticipation one day." How did I end up with such a wise man? I can now say I feel pregnant and I miss not feeling pregnant already. I used to wonder if pregnant women exaggerated these things just for attention or to eat ice cream whenever they wanted, well they don't. Food aversions, nausea, and fatigue now constantly accompany me throughout my day. Get too hungry, I feel sick, eat too much, I feel sick. And geese Louise do I crave odd things. For lunch this week I ate peanut butter and jelly topped off with a whole cucumber. My dinner . . . yogurt, a pickle, and 2 hard boiled eggs, and it was soooo good! I also think someone switched my nose out with a K-9's this week because I smell EVERYTHING, and of course, it makes me nauseous too.

I have continued working out at the gym, but I sweat buckets and tire more easily. I intend to have perseverance in this for as long as I can though, hopefully until I pop or my doctor says otherwise. Of course that's easy for me to say now when I don't have a 30 pound beach ball under my shirt.

Sunday October 26th

Here is our baby this week!

I just read today that this little one inside me is the size of a blueberry and that every essential organ has begun to form! I just think that's incredible. Controversial or not, it blows my mind even further to know that 89% of abortions occur at this time or later. From my experience at the Pregnancy Center, I don't think people realize the remarkable abilities of their unborn baby before making that decision. I love teaching that though.

Monday October 27th

Nausea hit me like a truck this morning. For the first time in months I missed my Monday morning gym class, I just could not get out of bed. I finally drug myself to the grocery store in the afternoon, but that didn't go over well. The sight and smell of the food that surrounded me had me literally gagging, I could feel the color drain from my face. My eyes welled up with tears as I hurried down the isles throwing bare necessities into my cart. I just wanted to get out of there. I feel like such a wimp. Women have done this for thousands of years before me and they'll do it for years and years after, why can't I seem to get a handle on this.

Thursday October 30th

Today was our very first doctor appointment!

Well . . . it honestly could not have gone any better. We were seen exactly at our appointment time maybe even a few minutes sooner, the doctor was wonderful, my vital signs were perfect, I haven't gained a pound yet (not that I should have, but it's still nice to know I haven't), my cervix and uterus got an A+ rating, and then we got to see our peanut on ultrasound!

Now, I understand it's a blurry picture taken of a blurry picture, but I don't care, it's our blurry baby whose heart was beating away at a beautiful and perfect 153 beats per minute. I cried just hearing the number. It is hard for me to express into words what a relief this was to me today. The peace and comfort it brought me and the realization that there is this tiny peanut of a person inside me with a heart beating almost twice as fast as mine, attached to me and growing perfectly on schedule. Very few people truly understand and appreciate the thousands of intricate things that have to be perfectly orchestrated exactly on time in the most specific way possible to even experience this moment . . . hence the indisputable fact that this is a miracle.

Matt sat sort of in shock, gently rubbing my leg as tears rolled down my cheeks. I've never felt closer to him than at that moment seeing part of him and part of me combined into this little baby that outwardly cannot be seen or felt, but is definitely there and is definitely ours.

We were given a bag full of samples, coupons, pamphlets, forms, etc. It's like we walked in as Matt and Ursula and walked out as parents because we are already responsible for planning and making decisions for this child . . . I hope we do good with that.

By the time we left, it all felt much more real to me. We aren't out of the woods by any extreme and we are still holding off on telling the world, but we're optimistic. If for some unforeseen reason this all ended tomorrow, I'm thankful to even have had the opportunity to experience this much.

November 8th

I know it sounds too early and very ridiculous, but I have purchased my first maternity clothes. While we were in Chicago, we went to a 3-story Gap store. I was peeking in their maternity section and saw a clearance rack. I was able to get 3 bottoms and 2 tops for $20! Anyone who knows me knows I love a bargain and this one gave me a high! I proudly carried my treasures back to the hotel with Matt and I tried them on for him. I looked silly. Of course none of it fit yet and I don't even know if I bought appropriate sizes, but it was such a good deal that if nothing else, I'll donate the items to the Pregnancy Center.

November 15th

We got together with almost all of Matt's extended family for a birthday party. Apparently Matt's dad told someone who told someone who told someone that we were "with child". Which was more than okay with me because they squeezed and congratulated us so warmly. It was wonderful to be wrapped in that and I soaked it in. What I didn't expect was people to be rubbing my tummy yet. At 2 1/2 months pregnant, my waistline has not changed and the "pooch" being touched has been there since I was in diapers. Oh well, I guess I better get used to it. Hopefully next time people will actually have a baby bump to rub.

That night our little one was also given their first bear. It was such a sweet and unexpected gesture from Matt's aunt and uncle and it truly warmed my heart and got me teary eyed. It is an adorable bear that everyone decided was male and we named him Henry. Opening a card that said "A little something for a little someone" struck a cord deep in my maternal heart that had previously been untouched. It's hard to put into words, but Henry awoken numerous feelings in me.

Henry made me think. Somehow this cute bear made this all seem just that much more real. We know which room we are going to convert to a nursery, but this bear made us think that much more about it. Henry being added to this room that looks nothing like a baby's room has officially begun the slow transition of nesting a home suitable for our child. It's exciting!

I know this may sound morbid and some of you may wonder how I could think of such a thing, but I'm an honest, transparent person who thinks out loud on my blog. . .

I came to the realization that this bear will be here even if the baby never is. It is the first tangible thing meant for our child that even with great effort, could never be disguised as anything else. I think subconsciously I was avoiding this type of connection, as if loosing the baby would be somehow easier to handle if there weren't reminders around. But I don't think anything could be further from the truth. My child is alive in me and has altered my every thought, action, and motive in such an exhilarating way and I want to soak in every dimension of this experience that will go by far too quickly. I'm thankful for Henry in such a multi-faceted way now. He has made me think, appreciate, feel, acknowledge, embrace, and transition into this time that I've been exclusively set apart and called to experience in the fullest possible way. Henry is the softest bear I think I've ever felt and I hope he is cherished for years to come since it's the first thing that was ever bought for our baby. Crazy as it sounds, I can already picture our child heading off to college with this torn and tattered bear in tow. Thank you Henry. Who knew a bear could do all that?

November 20th

Symptoms are starting to subside. I should be sending up prayers of thanks and doing cartwheels in my living room, but instead I'm nervous. It turns out the pesky nausea and sore, swollen chest were a blanket of security in helping me feel pregnant. With no baby bump or fetal movement yet, it's hard to feel pregnant if I'm not sick. Is everything ok? Is this normal? Why do I over-analyze everything? Can you actually cause damage to your brain by thinking too much?

I go to the doctor 2 weeks from today and if all goes as planned we will hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I pray this is a fast, healthy 2 weeks.

November 24th

Okay, so I couldn't wait to go to the doctor's office. I had a "just for fun" sono at the pregnancy center today, and I'm so glad I did. As soon as the ultrasound probe touched gently against my stomach, there was our baby. I couldn't believe how much squirming and kicking was going on, jumping and moving galore. This perfectly formed 2 1/2 inch person was alive and well perfectly secure in the safety of my womb.

It's such a change from the peanut with a flicker in the middle less than a month ago and it definitely made all this seem that much more real and lifted every concern I had. Matt just keeps telling me to soak and appreciate that I feel well now and I can still tie my shoes and shave my legs :). He is always so good and grounding me.

This ultrasound made me feel secure enough to tell those that we hadn't told, and believe me, I could hardly contain myself as I passed around our baby's picture and called friends. Teary eyes, tight hugs, and warm congratulations echoed throughout the day and I'm sure the days to follow. I can't explain the feeling I have knowing our baby is already so admired and loved and how fortunate I am to be experiencing this first hand. Matt gives me 2 kisses sometimes, one for each of us . . . I just love that. I get to tote around part of Him with me all day long. . . I'm never alone, and I'm growing an actual person right now!!!! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that.

November 27th

Kathy gave us a countdown clock until the baby's due date. I had never seen something like that before, but it countsdown the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until the anticipated arrival. How fun is that? Only 200 more days to go!

I'm going to email this now, but I intend to keep adding to it on my blog, so feel free to comment and check back on our progress.

A Sunset Moment

My wonderful, dear friend Kristin moved to the west coast of Florida from the east coast just a few short weeks ago. I have known Kristin for years, perhaps decades now. We met at a small church camp while I was still in grade school and have somehow managed to keep in touch all this time.

One of the things I love the most about Kristin is like me, she is a "moments person". In fact, she taught me that I was one myself. Loving nothing more than soaking in the simple pleasures of everyday life, not taking things for granted, and seeing nothing as mundane life. It truly is experiencing life to it's fullest.

Being the moments people that we are and with her new residence a block from the beach, she took me to watch a beautiful Florida sunset just steps from her adorable beach home.

Even after living here for all these years, a beach sunset never fails to take my breath away. Enjoy!

Silly long lists

I'm learning that I allow myself to get overwhelmed too easily. I often set expectations for myself that in a single day, are often too high and as the day winds down and the list still has items left that haven't been checked off, I feel a sense of defeat. I often overlook the 10 things I did get done and fail to realize that accomplishing all of them would have been next to impossible, I just see that I didn't finish.

I buzz around at a rapid pace, forgetting to rest, forgetting to eat, getting side-tracked at every corner adding new things to a list that was already too long . . . and I feel overwhelmed. Things need to be done, errands to to be run, people need to be visited, and planned engagements need to be honored. It's only noon and I already sense the failure creeping up. The day is far from over and I've already lost. I see the unmet goals of today and a jam packed week next week glaring back at me from my pocket calendar. Now I've failed next week too and it's only Thursday of this week. This is no way to be, in fact it's down right silly.

I'm recognizing this quirk in my character and I'm going to modify my way of thinking. It's only Thursday. I have tomorrow and the weekend to get things done and nothing will blow-up if anything on the list doesn't get finished. I will plug in things for me so I enjoy these days I have off. Matt is finally home from his busy work travels and time together resides as item #1 for the weekend. I already feel like more than a conqueror.

Our trip to Chicago

Day one we landed, arrived, got our luggage, took the subway and a taxi, checked into our hotel and had just enough time to eat a late dinner before going to bed.

Day two a bad headache confined me to the bed until the late afternoon. We walked around a little, but then it was time to get ready to go see Blue Man Group. It was a wonderful, unique show and we enjoyed it very much.

Before arriving, I anticipated it would be cold and I knew it would be windy, but somehow it still surprised me. Each day I left wearing long john's beneath my jeans, a cami, a sweater, a ski jacket, a scarf, a knit hat, and gloves and each day I was cold. It was however, a nice change from the Florida heat, but only for a few days.

Day three we walked along "the magnificent mile" of shopping galore. You name the store, and it was there. We enjoyed browsing in stores we don't have at home, some we had never heard of, and seeing the beginnings of Christmas decorations scattered throughout the area. We also went to the top of the Sears Tower and took in the amazing view. Anytime I visit a big city, the huge, tall buildings never fail to impress me. It makes Tampa feel like backwoods country to me.

Day four our feet really did a lot of walking and it also snowed! It was just flurries, but it still snowed! We went to see Chicago's famous "bean" at Millennium Park. It was a gorgeous park and we had a lot of fun toying with our camera and our reflections on the bean. That was probably our favorite thing we did. We also visited The Field Museum that day, which was one of the larger museums either of us had ever been to. It had numerous exhibits and we really enjoyed it. We topped the night off with famous Chicago style deep-dish pizza. It was so good!

After visiting New York, L.A., Seattle, and Chicago in the last couple of years I've come to learn, I'm just not cut out for the big city. Ridding in those crazy cabs makes me so nervous. The noisy streets, aggressive drivers, consistent sirens, inflated prices, and tons of walking through a grid of streets that feel more like a maze . . . is just not for me. For some reason I find these big cities very sad. Everyone always seems to be in such a big hurry and often come across as very impatient whether it be at a cross-walk or behind the wheel. No one seems to exchange a courteous hello or a smile just because. Add to that the homeless people scattered along the sidewalks in the evening and it just gets to me after a few days. I found myself silently praying for those men and women who were huddled under dirty, tattered blankets to keep warm. They are someones child, parent, or sibling. How did it get to this point for them? A slow fade of wrong decisions or choices gone bad? I do know that person is loved beyond measure and may not even know it, the very concept must seem impossible. After praying for them, I sent up my thanks to the One who has protected me, sheltered me, and loved me since the time I was knit together in my mother's womb.

Day five I flew home in the afternoon. It was my first time ever flying alone and I must say it went much better than I anticipated. I prayed for traveling mercies before we left and was answered. On time, smooth, non-stop flights, no lost or damaged luggage, and a safe drive home. As smooth as the actual travel went, I was the sap I usually am and got all teary eyed when my shuttle pulled away from the hotel. My Matt was still inside and would be for 4 more days. I don't know why I do that sometimes. I don't resent his business travel in the slightest, in actuality I could not be prouder of him. He is teaching numerous people at these conferences and I think it's just amazing that he has come so far and done so well with his career. I think it's honorable that the work he does is so specialized that it takes him throughout the southeast United States. It earns us hotel points and flyer miles that enable us to get to and stay on vacation for next to nothing a lot of the time. I guess when it comes down to it I'm just selfish and want to have my cake and eat it to. Once again I'm reminded just how blessed we are.

Happy Birthday Dad! (better late than never)

I'm sorry this comes a little late since I was out of town and couldn't use the internet, but it was far from forgotten.

I love my dad! He's smart, witty, lovable, and mine!

One word that comes to mind is wisdom. He is wise with life experience, but also with time he has taken to research and look into so many interesting things. I always appreciate and look forward to his view or opinions on things because I can be confident in it's source. That doesn't sound like much, but in a world where everything needs to be filtered and broken down, I think it's wonderful.

He is also extremely helpful and generous with his time. If I need him, he's there. There is so much more to him than I feel like can be described in words, and I honestly feel like it has taken me a lifetime to come to realize and appreciate all the small, intricate characteristics that make up my dad. Trying to sum it up in a paragraph is truly impossible.

In a sentence, he's my dad, the big, strong man that could handle anything. As a little girl I even remember wanting to marry him, and I'm sure to him I'm somehow still his little girl.

I love you dad!
Happy Birthday!

I'm sorry I've neglected you blog

I haven't made a post in over a week. It's not that I have nothing to write about, it's that I have too much to write about.

We left last Thursday for the windy city of Chicago. I was gone for a total of 5 days and I flew alone Monday leaving Matt there on business. We enjoyed the city for the few days we had, and I'll blog about that and post some pictures when I have more time. For now, I just wanted to post a quick note and let everyone know I was home safely . . . alone, but safe.

I usually enjoy the first couple of days that Matt is out of town and I have the house all to myself. I eat cereal, eggs, veggies and hummus, or other off things for dinner when I only have to feed myself. I climb into bed early and snuggle right into the center of the bed and spread out. For my 4:45 a.m. alarm wake up, I can actually turn on the lights and the radio to get my day started without waking my slumbering husband. Then on Thursday I've planned dinner with a close friend that just moved to the area. All in all, I do whatever I feel like doing for the week.

Like I said, it's fun at first. By the end of day 3 I usually miss him like crazy. Only 3 more wake-ups this week, and he will be home.

Dying

I was an anxious child when I was younger. I was and have continued to be someone who is terrified of dying. I'm not sure why, I guess just the simple fear of the unknown. I wasn't ever necessarily scared of how I would die, what it would feel like, or where I would go afterwards, I was just scared of the whole concept.

For example: I used to buckle up with a pillow in my lap in the car, every time, everywhere. I'm not sure exactly what I thought this would save me from, but for some reason it gave me a sense of security I guess. Another example: Whenever my mom would leave to run an errand and she would say to us girls, "I'm going to the store, I'll be right back." I used to get so upset and tell her how she couldn't say that because what if she didn't come right back, what if something happened, etc. I imagine that sort of thing was challenging to my parents, but they loved me through it and let me be the weirdo I wanted to be.

As an adult, this fear has manifested itself differently. It no longer specifically affects my actions, but more my thoughts. It creeps up on rare occasions at random times, but the fear has remained and I have struggled with this. I have long envied those people who say they just can't wait for Jesus to come back and take them to heaven because it will be so much better there. The people who know and are secure in their salvation and the fact that this world is nothing compared to what awaits them. I have longed for that security. I have prayed and prayed for this fear, this lingering restlessness of death to disappear, simply because I know better. I know I am God's daughter, I know I am saved, and I know in my heart of hearts that this world has nothing to offer compared to what He has in store. I have known that in my mind for years, but have carried this fear in my heart even longer, and I just want it gone.

I'm an emotional wreck of a person anyway and at times I feel like the character John Coffey in the Green Mile. I see first hand the self-destructive behaviors of being lost and I swear, I can almost feel it. Women hopelessly passing around their bodies and sleeping with anyone just so they aren't alone. Kids and adults loosing themselves in whatever can get them the next high to numb themselves of the reality they live in. Marriages crumbling over debt, affairs, addictions, or simple lack of commitment. Families shattered and when it all comes down to it, over nothing other than pride. The fact that right now 1 in 5 children is abused or neglected. People giving you the bird and blaring their horns at you over the fact that you hesitated a second too long when the light turned green. People can be cruel and selfish. Abuse. Anger. Grudges. Robberies. Rapes. War. Abortion. Gambling. Pornography. Alcoholism. Greed. Starvation. Oppression. We all know this list goes on and on, and like a grim reaper that doesn't kill, it hurts everything and everyone it touches.

But then this week changed me . . .
I was driving home from work and every part of my body ached, scalp to toes. We have been extremely busy and over census for weeks. Add to that I worked 50 hours in 4 days and I was spent. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained from caring for these fragile infants and their families on my feet all day each day. Matt has had a cold and I haven't felt well either. I had just been talking to a co-worker who was experiencing nothing short of despair. As I drove, I just felt it all. My own personal physical and emotional hurts, the hurts of those I know, and more vividly, the hurts of those I didn't. I drove and I wept. I don't know why, but it all just got the best of me and I cried out to God. I prayed for myself, I prayed for this country, I prayed for strangers, and the tears just poured. And in that instant I knew. I can't explain it, but in a matter of seconds my fear was gone. I got it. I finally got it. When I die this will all be lifted. Everything that hurts, everything I carry around, everything that has ever ailed me will all be lifted. There will be no more pain or suffering. There won't be anything to even be anxious about. True and utter perfection basked in the glory of the almighty God. Can you imagine what that will be like?

The human aspect of us can't wrap our minds around perfection for eternity. Eternity, forever, those are huge unimaginable words. This life is but a blink comparatively. A life and a place without physical and emotional hurts. A place where there is nothing to stress about, no anxieties over health care, finances, economy, or any other number of things. There is no life-sucking cancer, no soul-stealing addictions, none of it. We have a hard time imagining that because we have become so acclimated and so numb to carrying around the despair of this world that few people even talk about death. That's probably why I was so scared for so long, no one acknowledged dying. People don't even talk about life after all this and it's going to be awesome.

Our pastor at church has said it best, "The last time I checked, the ratio is still 1:1, none of us are going to live here forever and we need to come to terms with that." But we don't. We are all going to die and my hope is for myself, those nearest and dearest to me, and total strangers, to have security in their salvation, where they will spend eternity, and why.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my life and I know this world is not all bad. I greatly want to enjoy my life as Matt's wife, my parent's daughter, a sister to my sisters, and a mother to my children. I know there are no accidents and I am here for a purpose, but for the first time in my life I can now say that whenever it's time, tonight or 80 years from now, I'm ready. I'm not scared and I have no fear. What will it be like? I can only imagine.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus, Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence, Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah, Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

This is a huge deal for me. I've overcome a big hurdle. For the first time in my life, I'm excited to find out what I will do in that first moment away from this world.

Oh Mandy

I wish I had taken a before and after picture but I didn't.

As you know, I have a cat, and not just any cat, a very old and dearly loved cat. At her ripe old age of 20, there is a slight chance she isn't bathing herself as adequately as in years past. Matt pointed this out to me by telling me last night that "Mandy stinks" and he wouldn't let her sit with us on the couch. We couldn't figure out what she smelled like, maybe moth balls or ben gay since that's sometimes what older people smell like. Either way, she got a full tub bath and now smells like Herbal Essences. My poor kitty. I was worried it would cause her to go into cardiac arrest, but it actually went over better than I anticipated and she still slept flush with me in bed later that night.

Today and I had a couple of appointments and then cast my early vote after an hour wait. From what I've heard and read, I was very fortunate that I didn't have to wait longer. I'm just glad to have it off my shoulders.

Ahh dress up . . .

We went to a friend's 30th birthday/Halloween party on Saturday. We went as "border patrol" and a "Mexican". I borrowed my costume, it was a little short for my comfort, but I threw on a pair of shorts underneath and I was good to go. We were both in costume for under $10, you can't beat that!

It was weird to kiss Matt with a huge mustache on . . . I am now very thankful he doesn't have a real one!

We had a good time, and it's always fun to see people all dressed up.

On another note, the weather was awesome today! We slept in (after staying up to watch the Ray's game last night) and went to the late service at church. When we came home, we opened all the windows and the sliding glass door and they are still open as we speak.

Tonight Matt grilled steaks and asparagus, and after dinner we went for a walk around the neighborhood. People walking dogs and families on bikes were scattered down each street and sidewalk, everyone seemed to be taking advantage of the gorgeous day. I loved walking around enjoying the smell of fall air and food grilling combined with the soft caress of a gentle breeze and the sounds of children laughing. It's amazing to me what you notice when you simply try to capture a fragment of a day and come to the realization that you were just able to experience an incredible moment in time. I guess that's what life really is. The accumulation of these "moments" and what we take from them, what we offer during them, how they impact us along with how we impact others, and sometimes . . . we just get to pause and absorb "a few captured moments". This teaches me that I need to heighten my senses more often.

I am now tucked snugly inside my thermal pj's that haven't been used since our trip to Iowa last winter. Matt laughs at me, but in Florida, you just have to soak it in when you get it. I'm sure I'll overheat before too long, but right now, it just doesn't get much better than this on a beautiful fall day.

Go Rays!

Is there really anything else to talk about? ;)

Matt and his dad, along with some friends, are enjoying the game live tonight.

For Matt's birthday last weekend we spent many hours in stadium seating. Between the Ray's game Saturday night and the Bucs game Sunday, I am perfectly content to be on my couch tonight instead of a plastic folding seat surrounded by the smell of sweat and beer.

From "worst to first" I wish them well, productive, high scoring, short innings so I can go to bed at a reasonable hour.

"Lucky"

Right now there are a few close and distant couples that we know going through some difficult times. Having both been divorced, Matt and I know all too well the hurt, pain, and despair that can go along with these trials. I have publicly and privately shed tears for these couples, empathetically my heart aches right now for them.

As I discussed these things with Matt and just talked about how thankful I am to be where we are and in the kind of marriage we have, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, we are really lucky." Time stood still to me just then. My mind jumped back to several years ago before we even knew each other and images flashed like a movie screen through my mind. The rejection of abandonment, the ego blows of infidelity, the indescribable and excruciating pain of a divorce you didn't see coming, we've been there. The fear that your life is over, the weakness and inability to imagine that life will somehow go on, and oh the tears . . . I'm sure I wept gallons of them, some out of anguish, some out of despair, others out of the painful fact that my body could contain the emotion no more and my eyes just overflowed. The sleepless nights, the inability to eat, it all flashed before my eyes in an instant, and then it was gone.

Then came the memories of restoration, a complete healing only God can do. He allowed me to move on with the knowledge, experience, and wisdom of past endured trials, but without an ounce of the pain. I mean that when I say it, I moved on in life with only the good. He never once took me out of the fire but He walked through it with me, right by my side. Then He gave me Matt.

I am far from embarrassed and I carry no shame, it is my personal testimony of Romans 8:28. I have shared my story with many, others haven't a clue. Acquaintances, even close friends have also called me "lucky". On the surface you can't see the past I've briefly described. You also can't see the weeks spent in pre-marriage counseling with Matt, the marriage books on our bookshelf wilted from reading, the days spent at marriage conferences, or the hours on my knees in prayer. In the dictionary luck is described as "occurring by chance". So in this, I'm not lucky. I'm lucky if I get a good parking space somewhere or find the perfect outfit for 75% off. I have invested hours of personal time and given conscious effort to this important area of my life, I assure you, it isn't luck.

So if we ever see from a distance someone else's marriage, children, finances, spiritual walk, or other circumstance and they seem so lucky, like a perfect world fell right in their lap and they just happened to be in the right seat . . . that just might not be the case. People invest in what they value and it shows.

Happy Birthday Honey!

You make 32 look incredible!

There is so much I could write about him . . . and I promise to later. For now, I just want to wish my wonderful husband an amazing birthday! We have a weekend full of exciting plans and I really hope he enjoys it.

My Position on Politics

I've overheard conversations, watched debates, and researched issues. I can honestly say, I am more "informed" this election than I ever have been in elections past. It's easy to get caught up in the finger-pointing and name-bashing competition of it all, and it's then that I said to myself, "What is the position God would want me to have in this?" Here is the conclusion I've come to:

Christians often ask whether they should be a Republican or a Democrat or something else. In all actuality, few political issues are truly spiritual issues. As an example, we may prefer lower taxes, but the Bible does not endorse low taxes; all it says is that we are to pay our taxes honestly (Romans 13:6-7; Matthew 22:15-21). Taxes and many other issues (social security, universal health care, education funding, prescription drugs, etc.) are not spiritual issues the Bible specifically addresses. As a result, Christians can in good conscience have disagreements on these issues. There are issues the Bible does take sides on (abortion, gay marriage, etc.), and as Christians, we should support candidates that respect and honor those same morals and values.

However, and this is my main point, no matter who is in office, whether we voted for them or not, whether they are of the political party we prefer or not, the Bible commands us to respect and honor them (1 Peter 2:13-17; Romans 13:1-7). We should also be praying for those placed in authority over us (Colossians 4:2; 1 Thessalonians 5:17). We do not have to agree with them, or even like them, but we do have to honor and respect them. Politics is always going to be a difficult issue for Christians. We are in this world, but are not to be of this world (1 John 2:15). We can be involved in politics, but we should not be obsessed with politics. Ultimately, we are to be heavenly-minded, more concerned with the things of God than the things of this world (Colossians 3:1-2). As believers in Jesus Christ, we are all members of the same political party—monarchists who are waiting for their King to return (Revelation 19:11-16).

We live in an amazing country and I really do love America. I think we often take for granted the reality of our true and honest freedom. A country founded on the basic principle, "In God We Trust". As an American and as a Christian, I will proudly and confidently vote in this election. However, you will not see a bumper sticker on my car, a sign in my yard, or a shirt on my back regarding this, or any election. I will not allow myself to be overly caught up in this because I support someone much bigger and capable of far more change than those in the running. You can however know, I will honor, respect, and be on my knees in support of whoever God allows to lead this country.

Happy 30th Birthday Adrienne!

Adrienne is my older sister and today she turns 30!

She makes 30 look great! It's such a privilege to see what an amazing mother she has been to her 2 wonderful daughters. She has always been a strong leader and the wise one of the 3 of us girls. My entire life I have envied the ease that so many things come to her. She has wonderful talents in art and drawing, but also a green thumb, she can build better than some carpenters and has a broad range of knowledge on many interesting things, she has a loving but firm personality, tender but not a door mat, beauty and brains . . . that's my big sister!

I don't think you read this blog, but . . .

Happy Birthday Adrienne!

I love you!

New freezer space

In the spirit of tradition, we ate our wedding cake last night. I would love to be able to say that it was just as good as it was 1 year ago. I would love to say it was worth the huge amount of space it has taken up in our freezer all this time. I would love to say all that, but I can't.

It was ok. The flavor was good, but the cake itself was dry (I don't think we packaged it properly for freezing). The taste may have been mediocre, but I love traditions and it was fun! So all in all, I guess it was worth the space it took up in the freezer.

There is quite a bit left, but I think I'll just take it to work and set it in the break room. It's amazing, you can just set stuff in there and by the time you walk back again it looks like vultures came and tore it to pieces. You can leave a $5 bill on the same table and it will sit there for weeks, but set some cookies, cake, or chips and it's gone if you blink too long.

One year ago today . . .

October 6th, 2007 Matt and I got married. Today is our 1 year anniversary! It's been a wonderful year and I look forward to the next 50 years or more side my side, hand in hand with him.

We celebrated on Saturday. It was absolutely beautiful outside and we began our day driving around the Westchase semi-annual garage sale. We didn't find any treasures to bring home, but it was fun going into different fancy neighborhoods and gawking at the houses.

We got dressed and went to dinner at Roy's. I surprised Matt with this restaurant because of it's Hawaiian flare, and since Hawaii is where we honeymooned, it fit perfectly. I have never had a dining experience quite like it. The service was impeccable, my water glass never got more than 1/10th empty, they folded your napkin anytime you got up, and answered every request with "my pleasure". They even gave you ice cold bottled water while you waited for valet to bring the car around! I felt so out of my element, but the pampering was welcomed. Below is us outside the restaurant after dinner. Our hotel in Hawaii had the same torches scattered throughout the property so it was fun to have the atmosphere recreated.

There is something Matt did last Thursday evening that is too cute not to mention. He went to Washington D.C. for 2 days last week for work. As he was leaving, I jokingly asked him to bring me back some of D.C.'s beautiful fall weather. He did the best he could. When he came in the front door he pulled this out of his suitcase:

I now have my very own piece of D.C. fall. It's just a silly little dried up leaf, but he stopped and picked it up and traveled with it home just for me. I just love that side of him.

Sunday we went to lunch with Oma after church. I wasn't feeling well, so we came home and I laid on the couch for the Bucs game. All in all, it was a very nice weekend.

Chores I dislike

I love house cleaning when it's beautiful outside. Is that weird? I'm not sure why that is, but either way, today it's a good thing. Maybe it's because in Florida we don't get much of a spring, so at the first signs of fall I am inspired to do "fall cleaning". The sun is shining brightly, the air is crisp, light, and not too hot, in the background I hear the hum of a neighbors lawn-mower. It is gorgeous today and it inspires me to take on the "not so often" chores. I actually fluffed the throw pillows, rotated the couch cushions and vacuumed beneath them. I even moved the couches themselves to clean the tile under them. Would you believe that under our couches there were raw spaghetti noodles? That is one of my favorite and strangest snacks and apparently I left the remnants to prove it. It's kinda funny to me. There were also dust bunnies and dryer sheets, but I don't eat those. While playing "guess what dinner this stain was from", I cleaned the fronts of the kitchen cabinets. Apparently we eat spaghetti a lot. All are chores I probably don't do often enough, but none the less, they are well under-way. The house is beginning to take on the subtle scent of tangerine all purpose cleaner. Inhaling it awoken my senses and gently prodded me to tackle the next chore I had been putting off. Base-boards.

I seldom use the word "hate", my parents taught me, with good reason, not to say that word from a very young age and it stuck. It's a strong word. We were allowed to dislike things or prefer one thing over another, but not hate. So for you mom and dad, I greatly, super, as much as possible dislike cleaning base-boards. In life, we all must do things we don't want to do. I'm just thankful this doesn't take all that long.

I'm sure I don't do it as often as I should, but scooting around a room cleaning rag in tow, is not my idea of fun. I want to stop, but more so I want it done. Crouching down to clean them hurts my knees, they are red and begging me to stop. My back hurts from leaning and right now I'm thankful my house isn't one square foot bigger than it is. I'm in amazement at how dirty my rag has become . . . yes, I have put this off too long, but it's done!

The only chore I dislike even more than baseboards is cleaning the shower. How something we "get clean" in gets so dirty is beyond me. We have an enclosed glass shower, so lucky me gets to soak in the fumes of the strongest cleaners, scrubs, and bleach I own. I feel like a bar tender or some sort of scientist coming up with cocktails and concoctions to rid the crevices of whatever it is that resides there. My eyes are usually blood shot, my lungs hurt, and I'm soaked and sweaty after I'm done. This can't be healthy, and the worst part . . . the shower looks so insignificantly different when I'm done than when I started that I feel as though I have labored in vain. I comfort myself by knowing I had to have at least killed a few microscopic bacteria. But again, for this go around at least, it's done.

More importantly, I need to go eat something now. I have such a habit of go, go, go on my days off, that I often forget to eat until I'm light-headed. This is not planned or healthy, but somehow I do it nearly every day I'm off alone. I think I get so task oriented that I don't even notice. I'll all of the sudden realize I'm dizzy and that it's been hours since I ate. I'm usually so focused on the task at hand that I completely miss the hunger phase. If Matt is around, he eats every several hours so I never get this way because I eat with him. Why oh why do I do this over and over when I know it's not good for me?