"I want to pray"

I heard those words for the first time from my toddler Wednesday night. 

She has been throwing royal fits at bedtime lately.  We solved the climbing out of the bed issue, now she just lays in bed and screams, cries, throws things onto the floor......it's quite the production.  We're still working out our approach because we are trying to be sensitive to the fact that Elyse's entire world has been turned around with the addition of a new baby.  However, that still isn't an excuse for behavior she knows is unacceptable. 

Tonight when I went in and disciplined her she asked me to pray.  I asked her what she wanted me to pray about and in this gasping, tear choked little voice (from her nonsense crying fit) she said, "pray about the crying".  I asked her what she wanted me to pray for about crying and she softly said, "I don't need to do it."  We prayed about it and after being tucked in I didn't hear a peep. 

Even Elyse knows her fits are nonsense but for some reason she hasn't been able to control herself, and at the ripe old age of two, she realizes she needs help from Him. 

It's caused me to ponder how many things I do that I know are nonsense but I don't take the time to recognize them as an area of struggle that I need God's help in.  Several things immediately came to mind and the needed reminder that I have not confessed my inability to battle them, or anything for that matter, alone is a conviction I welcome. 

I'm often amazed at the things I learn through the littlest people around me.

I'll try to at least stay updated with pictures even if I don't have as much time to actually write right now.  By the beginning of next week I'm really hoping to start getting back to a more regular and consistent routine in the house.  With help in and out, activities and events missed, and just being thrown off in general, has really taken a toll on Elyse's behavior and she is definitely a kid who thrives on routine and consistency so I'm hoping the one will improve the other.  We shall see. 

On another note, I finally registered the Kindle my mom got me for my birthday in June and I'm excited about downloading some books and putting it to use.  It seems like such a neat little toy for me and I absolutely love reading before bed.  

 Hanging out by the pool this past weekend.  Adley almost immediately falls asleep just by walking outside.....then again, 3 week old babies fall asleep often and anywhere ;). 

 First smiles :)

 Stylin' and profilin'

 Rainy day puddle adventures.  She had a great time!  I try to let her play in the puddles/rain when it isn't coming down too heavy and there isn't thunder or lightening.  She thinks it's pretty neat and so do I.

Holding her wobbly little head up pretty well already.  She was 3 weeks old on Monday. 

I am thankful

I'm thankful because despite my matted ponytail, messy house and headache, I feel so grateful for being able to sleep in each morning and having meals brought to us every other day. Sleep and food help me overlook the small things that would normally fluster me.

I'm very nervous for when the help ends and it's up to me to hold this house and these 2 little girls together, but I'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

There's so much I could write about the last almost 2 weeks of our lives but I'm tired right now and words don't quite do what pictures can so I'll just post a few of those.  The first 3 are a sneak peek from a free photography session we had with someone who needed a baby girl to model her new props.  Adley was happy to volunteer her time and cuteness and Elyse did great too.  The remaining pictures are quick snaps of life around the house now.

 We love the grass in our backyard.  It's thick, plush, green and great to play on.  Elyse throws herself on it quite frequently.

A big sister being a big help.

Sweet tiny feet.

First smiles. 

Sleeping cutie on daddy.


I'm sure I'll have many more to add in the days and years to come.  I'm overwhelmed with the fullness I feel for my little family.  Our cup definitely runneth over. 

Adley's birth story

Adley's birth story truly began almost a week before actual labor did. Mentally the false alarm we had 6 days before she was born was when, for me, the long wait for her began. Knowing I was walking around at 5cm and nearly 100% effaced made me wonder everyday if today was the day. As the hours of leaving the birth center turned into days, I doubted if I would ever go into labor on my own. I continued to have runs of contractions on and off but still awaited the big event.  I had my 41 week tests scheduled to ensure we were both healthy but I hoped I wouldn't need to keep those appointments.  I didn't pray I wouldn't have to because I trusted His timing, but I did hope they wouldn't be necessary.  

I never ended up needing the testing or appointments.   

I had good days and harder days and physically things were starting to get more uncomfortable with her sitting so low at a zero station. I prayed and with each prayer my confidence and trust were strengthened. As excited and anxious as I was to meet her, I must admit, I was equally as excited to experience her entrance into this world at Breath of Life surrounded by staff who believed in what I was doing and the God I was serving in the process.  I wasn't a patient having a baby, I was part of a family, supported and uplifted each time I went.  Phone calls and emails, encouragement and hugs, met me at every corner throughout my care and it's been emotional to have it end. 

Back to her story........

Sunday was a good day. The worship songs at church that morning tugged on my heart and I sang to Him with eyes filled with tears. I was emotional from lack of sleep from the runs of contractions the night before and the let down that once again they didn't turn into anything.  It was one of the emotionally harder days I'd had.  Well meaning people continually were checking in wanting updates and wondering if this baby was here.  I somehow equated that with an inadequacy in me even though I knew better.  People kept suggesting just eat this or do that and labor is sure to start, as if it were somehow my fault I went past my due date and as if something was wrong with that.  I knew better, I knew much better, but it was sometimes still hard to to hear.

I was determined to lift my spirits that afternoon so we took Elyse to the park and it did feel good to enjoy the fresh air, just the 3 of us.  Unknown to any of us, it was our last outing as a family of 3.  We had leftover lasagna for dinner and watched a movie on the couch before heading to bed early.

About 12:30am I awoke with minor discomforts and was certain I just needed to use the restroom. I got back into bed and got up again with more pain around 12:45.  By 1am I was certain something could be going on but was so afraid of causing another false alarm, especially in the middle of the night on a holiday weekend. I awoke Matt and asked him to help me make a decision (my mom had just gone home 12 hours prior after awaiting the false alarm for 5 days with us). He took one look at me and said, "We need to go." As if he had rehearsed it all along, he called our friend Lindsey, who lives minutes away to watch Elyse.  He then called our midwife and loaded the car. We were out the door around 1:30am and Matt got a hold of my mom along the way.  The early morning hours gifted us a quick, traffic free drive and I'm extremely thankful for that.  I was very uncomfortable in the car.  Breaking and accelerating exacerbated the pain but I knew I had to maintain control.  I'd been longing and hoping for these pains and I began to silently give thanks for my body performing it's purpose.  Each one brought me closer to her.   

I couldn't even tell you the timing of the contractions, they were strong and frequent but so much shorter in duration with rest periods in between which I did not have with my induction with Elyse. I remember thanking God for those lulls, they were beautiful and gave me moments to soak in all that was happening for the duration of my labor. I could focus during pain and be present during the pauses. It was beautiful.

Upon arrival the tub was still being filled so I labored using the birthing ball until I could get in. I nearly jumped in once it was full and it felt amazing!!! I didn't want to get out. Within a few contractions my body began pushing almost involuntarily. I went with it and in moments her head was out. I felt her turn herself and rotate her shoulders to complete the process while feeling her little kicks propel her efforts. I was amazed to have such miraculous sensations!  My water broke with the delivery of her shoulders revealing a tight cord around her neck.  Just like with Elyse, my water breaking at the last possible moment protected her from stressful effects that can have on such a tiny frame.  Another push and there she was beneath the water being lifted up to me.  Adley Lyn, whose name means "my ornament" (we found out we were pregnant with her on Christmas Eve and I told Matt using pastel pink and blue Christmas ornaments, and Lyn is my middle name) was finally in my arms. 

It was done. She was here! From awaking Matt to holding her was just under 2 hours and had we waited on my mom to make the drive back, Adley would have been born at home. We were at the birth center for 45 fast minutes before she was born.  I couldn't have written our story better myself, what a wonderful author I have! 

My placenta gave us a brief scare as the minutes wore on before I finally delivered it after needing a shot of pitocin in my leg to help it along its way. It's funny, I gave birth to an 8 pound 15 ounce baby without any medication but I winced and looked away during that tiny shot.

Adley never left my skin or Matt's skin until we said we were ready for her assessment. She nursed beautifully after delivery and continues to do so even as I type.  We rested, showered, and enjoyed her before packing up to head home 4 hours later. 

Elyse never missed a beat and met Adley just after her breakfast.

She's a sweet baby and thus far is beyond content with just about anything, I know that will change, but for now I will just enjoy our honeymoon time with her.  The love was immediate and intense.  She fills a void we didn't realize was there until she filled it.  

Welcome to the world Adley Lyn Borrack

September 5, 2011 2:56 a.m.

8 pounds 14.5 ounces, 21 inches long

She's here!!!!!

6 days after her due date at 2:56am, 45 minutes after arrival to the birth center, Adley Lyn Borrack was born under water weighing 8# 14.5 oz and 21" long!!!! Labor Day has a whole knew meaning! Our precious girl just wanted to be born on a holiday. Everyone is doing great!!!!!

40+4

Still here and yes, still pregnant. Aside from feeling like a watched pot, I'm doing well and feeling great. If I could turn my mind off, physically I feel great and could sleep well, again, aside from the mind thing. Random contractions or cramping awake me and mentally I get a little excited and focus on whether or not this could be it. I need to not do that, it's rather silly really. I have full confidence I will know.

My mom, daughter and husband are still sleeping and the stillness and quiet of the house are so peaceful. I can hear the clock on the wall ticking and the birds outside are singing a good morning tune. I feel confident, trusting and patient in His prescence at moments like this because everything is so beautiful and in control but I must remember that even amidst the chaos He is there as well.

Total subject change, my precious toddler needs somer serious doses of breaking her will but not her spirit. I need to gather the confidence and will power to do this more consistently and effectively. I haven't been what is asked of me in this area and I really need to focus on it more. It's required of me and needed by her, it must done. Heaven help me please.

Time to enjoy the quiet before the day.

40+2

I'm officially two days past my due date.

We had a rather lengthy, significant false alarm on Tuesday, my actual due date. I started having contractions around 10am and they continued and increased over the next several hours. By 1pm I was sure this was it and had Matt come home from work and my mom come to watch Elyse. By 2pm we were headed to the birthing center, excited and laboring!

When I got there I was 5cm which was only a slight change from my 3-4cm check on Friday. Baby and I were assessed and doing great so we were given the green light that something was brewing but we could do as we pleased. Matt and I opted for a long walk on the beach a few miles away. It was a wonderful way to labor. Contractions were steady and definitely present. Around 5pm we decided to go eat. We chose a waterside seat at The Columbia and I got my favorite 1905 salad, a Cuban sandwich and some yummy flan.  I ate well thinking I was in for a long labor. Once we finished I was having hard contractions but they were spacing out. We headed back to the center where I showered. I labored a little longer, they were regular but not increasing in strength or frequency. By 7:30pm they were not much more than the Braxton Hicks contractions I've had for months. At 8pm the midwife checked me and I was still 5cm!!!!!

All that time, all those contractions and no change!?!?! I didn't know what to think. Once the reality of the situation set in that I was not in true labor and we would not be leaving with a baby that day I started crying and the tears just flowed. I was confused, embarrassed and untrusting of my own body. Did I just cry wolf? Were the pains not real? Now I've dirtied this birthing room and bed for nothing, called out the troops and interrupted schedules. Would people believe me when I said it was time again?  Would I even know when it was time again? 

We packed up and headed home around 9pm. Contractions had completely stopped. It was a strange drive. I was exhausted from the emotional high and low of the day and leaving without her just felt strange. Even in my selfish disappointment and embarrassment, beneath all of that, there was a true and unexplainable peace about it, the peace Philippians 4:6-7 talks about that surpasses all understanding when I cast my anxieties on Him.

I didn't handle it right though, I didn't proceed to Philippians 4:8 where I think about whatever is good and worthy of praise, and there is oh so much.  I wallowed and moped around most of the day yesterday as the phone calls, emails and text messages came pouring in wanting to know if there was a baby yet. Explaining it wasn't "real" labor, perhaps "stalled" labor, no baby, no, we had no idea when things would start again. Intervention minded people wondered how in the world you go home at 5cm and had I been at a hospital I wouldn't have. Pitocin would have been used and if that had failed there would have been a Cesarean. She would have had a forced birthday. I can't express the thankfulness I have that that did not happen.
Today I awoke differently and I feel so much calmer and more at peace once I truly surrendered the anxieties I was having about it.  He is still knitting her and His work is not yet complete.  It's that simple. 

Since then I've heard story after story of other moms that this has happened to.  I just didn't hear these stories before because most people do deliver in hospitals and one way or another she would have been born that night and the labor would have never been regarded as false or stalled so no one would have been the wiser that this could have happened to anyone.  With each story I heard I felt more confident in the process and less like something was wrong with me.

The staff at the birthing center has been so supportive and have become like family to me, along with my mom here helping me and Matt being more than I could have hoped for in this, I'm feeling good as the time continues to pass.  This false alarm has made her more anticipated than before and perhaps that was the idea all along, she would like to make a grand entrance with everyone on their toes.

It is still hard feeling like a watched pot but now that it's been a couple of days I think we all realize the labor didn't just stall, it stopped or was never really active in the first place. 

I had a regularly scheduled prenatal visit this morning and all is still well with both of us.  The conversation was a little different because we had to start the planning stages for what will happen if I'm still pregnant come Tuesday and next Friday.  I'm scheduled for two non-stress tests and a biophysical profile next week if she hasn't arrived.  I didn't have the opportunity to have those conversations with Elyse, so although going post-dates isn't new to me, getting the opportunity to go to 41 and 42 weeks if needed is.  We still have plenty of time and my time is in His hands (Psalm 31:15).