Big Baby

Two years ago this past Christmas Elyse was gifted a doll from my mom.  Elyse, just 18 months old, named the doll "Big Baby".  The doll isn't big, but to an 18 month old she probably seemed that way.  The doll cries, sucks a pacifier, makes slight facial expressions and drinks from a pretend bottle.  Big Baby sleeps with Elyse, gets pushed around in the doll stroller, has sat at the table for meals and has joined us on many a car ride.  She's special to Elyse, very.

About a year ago Big Baby's face froze in a daunting expression.  Her eyes at half-mast in an eternal pause between closed and open.  We changed the batteries and tried what we could to "revive" Big Baby, but she had cried her last cry.

I searched and searched the internet looking for a replacement.  I finally found one, brand new in box on Ebay.  It arrived quickly and was opened with such excitement we filmed it.  The old Big Baby was tossed in the garbage without any hesitation and our new Big Baby was home.

After being broken for so long, the new Big Baby was like a brand new toy.  Elyse thrived on settling her cries and insisted on bringing her along to most places, just as she has the old one.

Fast forward another year, with another walking child who also loves Big Baby but isn't quite as gentle and we have another broken Big Baby.  Something in her head rattles around and she makes this horrendous buzzing sound when she cries or drinks.  The noise started this morning.

I opened the Velcro of her outfit and tried replacing the batteries in case they were just running low.  It was then that I noticed a small part of her neck was cracked and her head wasn't secured very tightly.  This allowed me to actually pull of her head and look inside at the little plastic wheels and wires that gave Big Baby so much expression.  The plastic wheels continued to grind making that awful sound and I didn't have clear enough view or access to fix that.  However, I was able to remove the free-floating plastic piece which helped a little.  I prodded some more, attempting to gain better view of whatever was making that awful noise and "snap".  There went the rest of Big Baby's neck attachment.  I tried super glue which worked temporarily but it didn't help at all.  I had tired too hard to fix Big Baby, I made things worse.  Soon I would be picking up a 3 year old from school and when she went to pick up her treasured doll she would be greeted with a slumped head and buzzing gears, and after the last break in her I caused, another rattling free-floating piece of plastic.

I checked Ebay again.  There's one for sale.  It's $20 with shipping and comes with a few extras.  My mom offered to take her to get a new doll since these Big Baby's don't seem to hold up to much wear and tear.

I decided to wait and see.  I debated letting Elyse know what had happened to her favorite friend but I kept silent.  She came skipping into the house, grabbed her doll and trotted off with Big Baby clutched tightly in her arms.  I waited.  For the rest of the day I waited.  Nothing.  Elyse never said a word.

I know this is a long, rambling post about a doll but it didn't hit me until tonight that it was more than that.

Love really can blind you to the most obvious of afflictions.  It was still Big Baby.  She was still hers.

The first time Big Baby broke Elyse didn't ask for a new one.  Her frozen contorted face didn't bother her, it bothered me.  I wanted my child's first love to be easy on the eyes and function like it should.  This second time, I rushed to search for a new one for a kid that hasn't even noticed her doll is broken.

Elyse doesn't understand what "superficial" means yet, but I will quickly teach her with seemingly harmless actions like that.  It isn't good enough if it isn't flawless.  Ouch.

Obviously that is never the message I would purposefully convey.  I'm just a mom, trying to right a wrong.  Elyse taught me this isn't a wrong and all things broken don't need fixing when viewed through the lens of love.

God sees me with my cracked neck, slumped head and knows the noises from me can often be an annoying buzz.  But I am loved anyway.  I was made in His image and I am a new creation in Christ.  Pure.  Blameless.  I am viewed as whole even when nothing appears intact.  I am God's Big Baby.

Today

Today is worth marking.  A day to put a big black Sharpie circle around on the calendar.

I was asked to lunch.  By a great person.  By a busy person.  By the person who teaches bible study, has a million friends and has 4 kids.  By a person I didn't know well at all.  By a person who prayed.  For me.  But I didn't know that yet.

I was nervous.  Very nervous.  My stomach was twisting as I pulled into the parking lot but everything in my spirit caused settle and I knew, in full confidence, this would be grand.  This meal was anointed, this appointment Divine.

It was a normal lunch.  She was really nice.  Adley made a royal mess with food.  We had much more in common than one might imagine.  Yet in the grand scheme of things, don't we all.  This taught me that.  We are all searching, struggling people in need of a Savior.  In need of feeling worthy enough for someone random to ask us to lunch, just to get to know us better.  I hardly felt worthy of her prayers, much less her time.  Time.  In our society It Is a GIFT!  A gift that should be paid forward.

The conversation flowed smoothly.  I can't recall an awkward silence.  But as she spoke of things she prayerfully heard regarding me, things she saw in me, I literally felt my insides, my nerves, any fiber that was connected to anything that moved, curl in.  I was coiling on the inside like a nocturnal creature hiding from the sun.  I couldn't make eye contact for fear of losing it altogether.  She wasn't showering me with compliments. She was a voice saying things aloud that my spirit has been stirring in me for so long but I've been so afraid to believe.  Afraid to take hold of.  After all, if I truly grasped these concepts, what would that look like?  Would I mess it up like I have so many other things?

A well laid plan for my life wasn't spelled out.  My purpose was not proclaimed.  My calling was not defined.  But the message I needed to hear rang clear.  God knows I love Him.  He knows the heart He gave me and He wants to use it for His good.

If she sees it.  He must see it.  Even with all my messes.  With all my history.  All my shortcomings, struggles and failures.  All my confidence issues, battles of worthiness and fears of failing......He loves me and I am made for more.

I was not made to hide behind things He went to the cross for.  His design was not for me to be perfect before I became completely His.  I am loved.  Right where I am.  We all are.  Why, oh why, is that so hard to cling to? I can own that.  Right now.  In this instant.  As I type I am loved.  Beyond measure.  And people need to know that but first I have to believe it.  I thought I did.  I really didn't think knowing I was loved was an issue but I'm realizing my insecurities run deep and being truly, fully, and completely loved isn't a thing I easily accept.

I will attempt to be more bold this year (that's a bold statement if I've ever seen one).  I actually first wrote, "I will be bold this year" and I couldn't hit the delete button fast enough.  I need to grow in courage with my faith and realize that I don't need to tidy all my corners before I live out sharing what saved me.  What that looks like, I don't know.  But I think it looks a lot like time with people.  Love God.  Love people.  I can start there.

Big, black, sharpie marker circle around today.

 Down time.

Elyse has been out of preschool for 2 weeks and Matt has been off 9 out of the last 14 days, not counting the day he worked from home, that he hasn't had to travel at all, or that he's getting home a little earlier in the evenings when he does work.  We've had family visit a few times and Elyse has spent the night away 3 different nights.

Our house is all out of whack.  In a good way.  We wake up late, linger in pajamas and let routines get a little lax.  We've frequented parks, bounce houses and beaches.  Visited friends, family and the zoo. We've eaten ice cream and dined at restaurants.  I've squeezed in work-outs at off-the-wall times.  Grocery shopping seems unplanned and on whims.  They are perfecting new Christmas toys and the phrase "we share in this house" is taking on a whole new meaning.  

The disorder and freedom of an empty calendar has found us connected in a great way.  There isn't guilt over wasted time and minutes don't seem nearly as precious or pressured when you have a few to spare.  

I love routine.  I do.  My kids do.  My husband does.  There is comfort in predictability, assurance in patterns, and security in knowing what to expect and what is expected.  As we enter this last weekend before the calendar once again takes on it's previous form, I can reflect with a feeling of balance, time well spent and souls well nourished.  I'm not ready to give this up, but at the same time I think we're all ready for a little rhythm in our step.  

I'll post a few pics below.

They loved chasing seagulls.

 Checking out the sand between her toes.

 Looking far too grown.

Fist-full of shells!

Love. 

Bedheads in a jeep.

New bike!!!!  Such a huge hit with her.  We almost didn't put it under the tree but we're so glad she did.  She rode it around the family room and out the door.  She hasn't looked back since.  She thought she was too little, which made us wonder as well.  She tried and conquered, definitely a moment to celebrate.  She was also very afraid of the jeep at first.  It's taken a few time, now on "slow" mode Elyse drives them both all around.  Adley got a little trampoline that I don't have a picture of yet (we did a better job of taking video this year instead of still pictures) but she is mastering it and jumping up a storm.

 We hosted 2 rounds of family Christmas day.  Matt's side came fist and we did a big lasagna lunch.  My side came next for the traditional turkey with all the fixings.  My mom requested we get pictures of us that day and I'm so glad she did.  We snapped a few first thing after everyone arrived instead of trying to cram it in later when kids are tired and people are packed up to leave.  I need to make a mental note of that for future gatherings.  Pictures first!

 I'm actually 4 inches taller than my younger sister (second from the right) but I look so short in this.  I'm the only sister not in heels ;-).