Wet

Like most of my fellow Floridians, we are wet.  I don't have any pictures but the news has covered it well.  The pond out back is now part of our backyard and the ducks are getting comfortable right outside our back door.  We've had to drain the pool a couple of times to keep it from overflowing but the roads I use regularly are safe.  Aside from church on Sunday we've been cooped up the past couple of days.  Elyse's room is leaking on one wall at the baseboards but thankfully we have a wonderful handyman who came out just hours after we discovered it and diagnosed it quickly after removing baseboards and drywall.  I'm really hoping the massive amount of water that leaked in didn't permanently damage her hardwood floors but definitely not worth getting my feathers ruffled over if it did.

Compared to many, we are faring very well.

I should post a quick picture of Elyse on her birthday.  We had a little family "party" for her after Matt got home from work on Friday.  She was afraid of the candles and wouldn't blow them out so Matt helped her with that part, she took care of the icing.

 I think her favorite gift is a doctor kit we got her.  We've all been very, very ill, broken patients since we got a new doctor in the house.

I had a photo session Saturday and another one Wednesday.  I've stayed just busy enough.  It's been nice.  One of these days I'll make a Facebook page people can "like" and post some shots there.  Until then, just take my word for it :-).

Turning 3

Elyse, you're turning 3 tomorrow.  You're more excited about going to pre-school camp than you are about it being your birthday.  I think this is the last birthday before you really get it.  I reminded you today that this is the very last day that you will ever be 2 years old and I got a lump in my throat.  I think I'll feel that lump every year the night before your birthday.

You're growing, you're changing and you are so, so, so much fun.  You're emotional, very.  Your highs are high and your lows are low, that's what daddy and I always say, and we love that about you.  There is nothing else quite like your excitement or genuine appreciation for something as simple as a Tic-Tac.  You truly love the small things and make the most expressive faces.  We never wonder how you're feeling because you always let us know.  Your laughter is music in our home and it always will be.  You love to jump onto and off of things you shouldn't.  Your favorite game is playing chase and you'll ask anyone and everyone to play it with you, although you never like to do the chasing.  You play in your kitchen and with your baby dolls more than anything else and that was the same for you last year too.  You've learned to put on your own shoes and to get yourself dressed.  You go potty and brush your teeth independently but aren't afraid to ask for our help when you need it.  In a matter of a few weeks you became obsessed with going under water in the pool.  You wanted to watch other kids do it, you would beg them too.  You wanted to watch movies and read books of people going under water or jumping in pools.  After our annual week at the beach, you were doing it yourself.  You were so excited and so proud.  I think that little obsession that gave you the courage to do it yourself is one of my favorite memories of this year.  It revealed to me how much your mind is at work, how you are beginning to process things and conquer fears.  Disciplining you has become easier for both of us as our roles are established.  When you get in trouble for something, you do best when given an explanation of how to avoid that consequence the next time.  You're already a problem solver.

When I reflect on this past year, it's been big one for you.  We moved houses, you moved to a big girl bed, you started pre-school and we welcomed Adley, all just two months after your second birthday.  That was a lot of change but you adapted so well.  We dealt with tears at school and a jack-n-the box little girl for a run of bedtimes, but I never imagined all of those transitions would go so smoothly.

We've tackled tantrums, sharing and taking turns.  We've gained good ground but have conquered none of the above.  You are an amazing little girl though and are bursting with joy, sweetness and spirit.

Adley isn't very mobile yet, so she can't quite intrude on your personal space and things, but you are a VERY good big sister.  You love her.  You really, really do.  Much more, much sooner, than I anticipated.  You are gentle, kind and thoughtful toward her.  You are sensitive to her feelings and understanding when I have to meet her needs first.

You're a petite 28 pounds.  From birth you've lingered in sizes and worn out clothes and shoes before outgrowing them.  Even though you're petite, you still have these little dimples over your knuckles.  I like that you still have them and I'll be sad when there gone.  Your skin is still so incredibly soft and you love to be softly tickled and to softly tickle us back too.  Your a bear to get to eat anything you don't want to and I have a feeling we'll be working on that for awhile.  You finally like to cuddle and curl up in our laps for your 3 books at night. You like to roar like a lion, a lot.  One of my favorite words you say incorrectly but I don't want to correct is "loosedend" when you say you don't want something to get lost.

I want to make a little note of "a day in the life" of us right now.
You woke up around 8:30 am and you were so upset that grandma wasn't still here (she visited the last couple of days).  You ate oatmeal pancakes and "helped" with laundry during Adley's morning nap.  We packed a lunch and went to the splash park before coming home for afternoon naps.  You made a "new best friend" there and loved playing with the big kids.  You managed to sweet talk them into a few games of chase but would not let them take toys from your sister.  After nap it was raining so I let you put on your suit and play in it with your umbrella.  You sang "Rain, Rain Go Away" so loudly as you splashed in the puddles.  You played with your "big baby" and stroller before dinner and tonight you stacked one of your little chairs onto your little table and told me you "built a hotel".  You sat on "top" of this "hotel", I should mention you were naked because it was right before bath time, and you looked so proud.  You went to get up and left me a little "present" behind, you must not have wiped very well after your last trip to the restroom.  You and Adley took a bath together, we all played together and after she went to bed you and I played "Hi-Ho Cherry-O".  We read books about the weather and the color pink.  You said you didn't have anything to pray about so I prayed about you.  I laid in bed with you for a little while and you stroked my cheek and ran your fingers through my hair.  So often I would love to sleep with you all night, but I kissed your cheek and said goodnight. You walked out a little while ago because your blanket came off and you couldn't get it all the way back on by yourself.  There is still so much I have to help you with but things are quickly falling off of that list so I was thankful to tuck you in again.  Now I sit and type and you sleep during these last few hours that you are my little 2 year old. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Pumpkin Pants!

Your "silly" face

Not going back to work

I couldn't figure out a way to put into words why we decided I was not going to take the position at Breath of Life.  I wanted to, yes, but I simply wasn't going to.

We made our decision before I even told anyone else about the prospect.  I didn't want my thoughts to be clouded by well-meaning friends encouraging self-fulfillment.  I wanted to think clearly and focused throughout the process and be confident and content in the decision.  I didn't want to decline it with downcast eyes or imply my children were a burden keeping me from a dream.  I wanted full, firm ownership over an absolutely correct decision for our family. Words linked from another blog sent from a friend helped hit the nail on the head as to why my job will continue to reside at home and the core of my work is my husband and our children.


"—  to put aside plans for a person, to lay aside self to serve, to set aside agendas to step up to an altar."

"This is the work of a mother — this strange and peculiar joy in letting go of self to make the joy of another large."

That is why I'm sure of where I am supposed to be.  I am choosing to set aside myself, my personal agendas, to make the joy of my children large.  It is a strange and peculiar joy, but it is pure joy and I'm just not willing to miss it.

So as the weekend closes and the blank slate of another week lingers before me, I am renewed.  I am renewed by claiming the calling I have today, to serve my family, something no one else can do the way that I can.  I am called to be my husband's wife and my children's mother.  I am called to do it fully, with the entirety of my being, investing my everything and be present in every way possible for it.

I won't do this flawlessly.  I will struggle.  It won't be easy.  I will question my methods and ability.  I will doubt myself.  I will have feelings that waver and thoughts that need grounding.

But I will be here.  Right where I'm supposed to be and I am so incredibly thankful for that.  It isn't a dream put on hold, it's fulfilling a dream I didn't realize I had.  I wasn't regarding it for all that it was.  It's a privilege, an honor.  Those are words that are used often, perhaps even tossed around, but they are ringing so true for me today.  I'm taking on an entirely new appreciation for my role, embracing it's gifts, taking on it's challenges and excited by it's capabilities.  I. Am. Honored.

I am a stay-at-home mom and that is awesome.

Oma

Matt's Oma passed away yesterday evening.  She would have been 86 years old next month.  Like Matt, I'm finding myself at a loss for words.  There was none like her, that is for sure.  

When she was well, she was full of just about every characteristic I could hope my children will one day see in me.  She was wise, very wise.   Grounded, loving, sensitive but firm, witty and sweet wrapped all in one.  Growing up during different hardships she was resourceful.  When I'd complement her on a sweater, I would often hear it was derived from taking apart and re-knitting the useful materials of something old and worn.  She was health conscious and preferred a piece of fish and a side of veggies but could make a pot roast, that made mention of, still makes Matt's stomach growl.  She came over from Germany in her teens after meeting an American soldier that became her husband.  She raised two daughters, Barbara and Christina (Matt's mother), and because of cancer had to watch both of their lives end before hers.  She had to bury her first husband and then her second.  She also lost her only sibling, a brother, in his teens during war.  Yet she exuded gratitude for every day and every privilege, but more than anything, for her grandson Matt.   I only knew her for a little over 6 years but I've never known anyone to love like she did.  She and Matt shared a love like nothing I've ever seen.  They truly cherished each other.  It was an unspoken conversation that spoke so clearly in glances and touches.  The overwhelming presence of this love consumed a room and nearly brought me to tears on numerous occasions.  Watching him with her was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him.  If he loved me even a fraction of how much or the way he loved her, I knew I would be happy for the rest of my life.  

Matt had the privilege of growing up just a few doors down from his Oma and she was truly a part of his daily life.  I didn't know my grandparents well so the thought of that amazes me.  She made him snacks after school, had him over for sleepovers, drove him an hour to the nearest airport just so he could watch the planes take off and land.  I love the story where she ate his vegetables for him without his parents seeing, so he could be excused from the table.  She taught him life lessons while smothering him with love.  She taught him the beauty that comes with age and that "wrinkles are just old smiles".  I'm already thankful that lesson stuck.   

When I picture her, before the last few years, I picture her making an afghan.  I can only imagine the number of those things she made.  I picture her gardening and talking about her little students who adored her as their  volunteer teachers aid.  "Busy hands are happy hands" she would say, and her hands were busy.  Last night Matt was saying how when he held her hand just a few days ago, it was incredible to think about all of the things those hands had been through and done, especially for him.  This is a picture I took when Elyse was 12 months old.  There really is so much beauty in those wrinkles and the tales of a colorful life in those spots.

 Mark and Matt could write novels, story after story about the amazing woman she was.  My admiration for them is even greater after watching them serve her until the very, very end.  Every detail of her life was tended to with such thought and care, one of the many reasons I'm thankful to be a Borrack.  My stories of her are limited and I'm not doing her enough justice, but in the short time I knew her I felt like I had more grandmother than I'd had my entire life.  I saw and experienced generational love and it's amazing.   I'm so very, very thankful to have known her.  I'm thankful she helped raise an amazing man.  I'm thankful she met my children.  I'm thankful she is with her own daughters now.

Oma, her husband, Christina and Barbara 

 

Mark, Chris, Oma and Opa

Chris and Oma

One of Matt's favorite pictures.  That looks like a great kiss.

Matt and Oma

I got an email forwarded to me originating from Breath of Life (BOL), the birthing center where I delivered Adley, announcing a new RN position.

Curiously I emailed back asking a few questions but immediately I wanted to be there.  I wanted to start work the next day.  Not because I want to get out of my house or away from my kids.  Not because I miss working or don't fully enjoy and appreciate being a SAHM.  Not because it's about the money.  But because I loved it there.  Because BOL is a ministry that also happens to bring new life into the world.  Because as much as I'm a mom, deep down there's a nurse inside me longing to be used.  Because I love every aspect of pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges moms sometimes face before, during and after.  Because I believe it's my gift.

They quickly responded (I had done volunteer work with the director of the center/head midwife before) and all they could say was "YES, YES, YES!", "Are you kidding?!? YES!"

In the short amount of time it took them to respond I looked into childcare arrangements, the cost of a part-time nanny, and into the logistics of what our week would look like.  I began to get excited.

I prayed about it and the "could this really happen?" question changed to "should this really happen?".
Even if it could somehow make sense on paper, is it what's best for our family?

Selfishly I want to do it.  I want to passionately unleash my inner-nurse and pour myself into those families.  I want to rub precious pregnant bellies and assist as brand new babies takes their very first breath.

So often, since staying at home with the girls, I long to feel the fulfillment I once did as a nurse.  The feeling of being knowledgeable and appreciated.  The feeling where my time and talents are counted for something big and the task at hand requires complex problem solving skills.  I want a task at the start of my day that's larger than a stack of dirty clothes and a floor that needs to be cleaned.  I want, I want, I want.....therein lies the problem.

Yet in writing those statements I realize those things ARE happening at home.  My perspective could use a tune up and I'm likely suffering from "the grass is always greener" syndrome.  I could use a good dose of contentment and a strong reminder that I won't get this time back.  I'm appreciated and I'm challenged every single day.

What do I want to do?  Yet where am I needed ?

The decision for me to stay at home was a decision based on our values, not feelings.  Feelings change, our values don't.  Our values are grounded and rooted in an unfailing source where my wants and feelings can change with the wind.

Some people balance working and family life very well.  Knowing myself, I probably wouldn't.

It was definitely an esteem boost to know how much they wanted me.  It makes it that much harder to decline the position but I know how much I'm needed at home as well.

Maybe down the road.  Right now, it just isn't time.

Memorial Day 2012 Week at the Beach

The group of 16.  The 4 guys all worked for KPMG at one time (Matt is the only one still with the firm) and the wives just ever so happened to get along, really, really, really well.  We all got married and had kids within the same couple of years.  The 8 kids were 5 and under.

The moms

The dads

The kids (minus Adley who was already asleep for the night)

Catching up with an old summer camp friend who came by for a day.  Kristin and I have known each other since I was in the third grade.....

now our toddlers are playing together.  I absolutely love that.

Forgot to change camera settings before taking this one, but they both loved the pool there.

 Elyse couldn't get enough of being buried in the sand, Adley just wanted to eat it.

 7 Florida sunsets.

 She learned this gorgeous face that week.

 Cheerful, lazy mornings in the Borrack/McClung condo.

 Elyse makes this face CONSTANTLY.  We can't help but smirk when she does it because she usually pushes her lips out like that after trying to make a point or stating something she thinks is a fact.  We love it.

 Peek-a-boo with camp Kristin

 Elyse and Brady, 7 days apart in age

 Watching the sunset from our balcony.

Wanting a picture with my girls but tending to an upset little one instead......I like this picture better.

 I love the genuine smile of pure joy in this one.

 Can you guess who doesn't like having her picure taken?

It was an excellent week.  

Last year I ruined my camera (that Best Buy later replaced) by taking it down to the beach so much.  Sand got in the gears and behind lenses when I would change them.  I was afraid to get the camera out too much this year.  I think I should get a cheap point and shoot for situations like that because there are so many memories I didn't capture because of it.  Next time.

Out with the old....

in with the new.

It's been hectic getting the house back to normal after a week at the beach and a total overhaul of our flooring.  Once the dust was cleared I began courting my new floors, learning her nooks and how she best shines.  We're getting along well.

 Yes, we normally have a TV but it's too heavy to move alone and, frankly, I just don't watch it.  I haven't had a TV on in almost 2 weeks and I can't say I've even noticed.  I HAVE had my computer on though, which can be just as distracting.

 It's hard to appreciate in pictures.  Our old tile was, well, old.  It was cracked in numerous places and separating from the walls.  It was also white.  Very white.  Which did not get along with my need to be clean side.  We went ahead and changed out the base boards too, which is also hard to tell in pictures, but they are now 5 1/4" versus 3".

They are a travertine look-alike without the headache of travertine.  I'm so happy they are here!  The job was completed Monday, June 4th, on my 31st birthday.  I still have decor and drapes to put back out, but we are finally pretty much back to normal.  I like her so much I think I'll name her.......Floora!