Date night...probably the last like this for awhile

Date night was awesome!!!! Kudos to Matt...he took me to Bern's Steakhouse for dinner. Actually, calling it dinner doesn't do it justice, to me it was an experience. The restaurant is in the historic part of downtown Tampa and when you walk it is has the feel of an old hotel or something from decades ago...my first thought was that we were in the Haunted Mansion at the Magic Kingdom. It had such a unique feel and I really enjoyed the atmosphere of it all. The service was impeccable, the meal exquisite. We even got to tour the kitchen and see steak cuts being delicately trimmed and salads prepared using ingredients that they themselves grow just up the road. The 50 degree wine cellar housing 100,000 bottles of wine was definitely a sight to see. I don't recall ever being inside of a wine cellar before, and the rows and rows of bottles were almost artwork to me. As incredible as all that was, the dessert room stands out as my favorite part. For that portion of the meal we moved upstairs and sat at an intimate table for 2 where we couldn't see anyone else. We even get to select our own choice of music to enjoy during dessert in which we chose the Chocolate Peanut Butter Cream Pie, which housed layer upon layer of peanut butter mousse and chocolate mousse encased in a deep-dish Oreo cookie crust, and was accompanied with a milk chocolate drizzle and banana flavored fried crepe dipped in roasted peanuts, mmm...I can still taste it. Sitting across from my wonderful husband as I sipped on hot chamomile tea and took bites of that decadent dessert with classical music humming in the background was intimate, yet so fun to absorb. With the baby due any day where date nights and date budgets will drastically change, I sincerely thanked him and said..."well, we went out with a bang" :).

Excited

I'm excited about today...this whole weekend really. I always look forward to weekends, but I think this one will be extra nice. Matt has planned a "date night"/birthday evening out for me tonight. I have no idea what we're doing or where we're going, I just know when to be ready and I love that. I don't anticipate anything fancy, I just enjoy the element of surprise and anticipation. I've always loved date nights but this may be one of the last for awhile so I'm excited for it and plan to savor each moment. I'm really looking forward to these last few days or weeks that Matt and I have together before little Elyse makes her arrival.

My nesting has shifted a little to some things that I enjoy, but also that will just be nice to not have to be done for a little while. I had my oil changed and tires rotated, I vacuumed out the car, I have a hair appointment today, and I enjoyed a deluxe pedicure on Thursday. Maybe you can't even consider that nesting, but it's nice to have those things done.

Sunday my family is going to come over from Lakeland to eat a pizza lunch and go bowling in celebration of my birthday. I'm not sure how good I'll be at it, but I've always enjoyed bowling, so I'll be happy to give it a go...although it could create problems when we leave if I get accused of trying to steal a bowling ball beneath my shirt.

I haven't posted anything since Saturday because things have been pretty much non-stop as usual since then.

Sunday we went to church and then went boating with some friends over in Madeira. We were given gorgeous weather, great friends, good food, and wonderful memories. We grilled out with them to top the evening off and we went to bed exhausted. Monday we puttered around the house and went to Matt's dads house for Memorial Day dinner and enjoyed time with family, it was especially nice to see Oma.

Tuesday and Wednesday I worked...and boy did I earn my pay. We were extremely busy and I came home with throbbing feet and legs. I am now a firm believer that walking does not put you into labor because I would have given birth by noon either of those days if that were true.

Today I went to the doctor....I can't believe I'm going weekly now! The check-up left me with mixed emotions though. I measured small once again and my fundal height and weight haven't changed in almost 5 weeks. A quick lesson in fundal height...you usually measure near the amount of weeks pregnant that you are. I am approaching 38 weeks pregnant and measuring 33...which is on the small side. He told me her head is very low in my pelvis and that she will likely be a 6 or 6 1/2 pound baby which is probably why I am measuring small. Both of these things are good from a birthing stand-point in my opinion, but being a NICU nurse my mind wanders to all of the reasons that could be preventing her from growing. I can feel the worry rising up in me. I just want her to be okay and at this point I know she would be fine here on the outside so part of me just wants her to come out now where I can touch her, see her, hold her, and know that she is safe. The wiser part of me knows my timing is just that, it's mine and not His and I want His will to be done. I need to trust that every single aspect of this is completely under the watchful eyes of a caring Father, a Father who cares for her and cares for me in a way I cannot comprehend, but that I trust. He knows the number of hairs on her head. His timing is perfect and His plans are unfailing, I need to surrender to that. I need to trust in His faithfulness because He knows exactly what's going on and that's what He asks of me, to trust. I promised her to Him months ago, I can't ask for her back now, nor do I want to....Lord, have your way with me.

Lazy?

We got a lot done yesterday. We did some returns before our morning doctor appointment, ran a few errands, ate lunch out, ran some more errands and then headed home where we did chores. So much of my time off lately has been spent preparing Elyse's room and running errands associated with her, that my usual household duties had been neglected. We caught up yesterday before going to small group and this morning with an aching back I awoke to a clean house and have felt nothing but lazy today. The grey sky outside kept us in slow motion for a good portion of the morning before we made it out into the real world, but out we went and we even stopped to get some frozen yogurt....it definitely hit the spot. We have dinner cooking in the crock pot and I only had a couple of things I wanted to get done today, that I did and nothing more...it feels weird but nice.

I'm finding a hard time discovering the balance between being productive without expecting or doing too much, and relaxing without feeling lazy. Days like today often make me feel lazy, like I somehow wasted precious hours that could have been used for something better, something with results....I think that's what it is, I like results. I feel validated by having something to show for my time and when Matt says..."So, what did you do today?"....just to make conversation and see how my day went, I feel like all my minutes need to be accounted for or I feel lazy. I don't know why I'm like that or where I got it from, but it's a flaw I hope to improve. I am not good at relaxing and I need to figure out how to fix that. I need a hobby or something. For months now it had been going to the gym, but since I'm not doing that right now I need to find something to do for myself....it's warm and muggy, but I think I'll go for a walk...yeah, that sounds nice.

Unspoken language

I woke up dark and early as usual for work this morning. It's recently been becoming a struggle to put my knee-high support hose on before I get out of bed, but I've managed to do it thus far without any trouble, but it's getting harder. This morning as I was putting them on Matt gently stirred next to me, leaned over and rubbed my back, and in his sleepy voice said, "do you want me to help you baby?". It was pitch black in the room, he couldn't even see what I was doing, but he knew and he was willing to help despite the frustration I'm sure was there for being woken up. I don't know why, but that made my day. It means so much to me that he can often anticipate my needs without me saying a word and is more than willing to do what he can to help me. It's that sort of unspoken language that develops over time. The language that you can almost see being spoken in silence between an elderly couple at a store or restaurant. Where thoughts are anticipated, needs are met, words are few but volumes are spoken. I admire that and it excites me to see our language growing and developing in a culture all its own.

Progress

Her window treatment is finally up. After all my troubles with the rod, Matt got it up for me himself this weekend. I had been having such a hard time finding the perfect color and design of drape in the price range I was willing to pay...until I changed where I was looking. This is actually a cloth shower curtain and I used jewel adorned rings to hang it on the rod....I'm really pleased with the look for the price. The picture doesn't do it justice, it looks better when you can see the whole room together, but either way, I'm glad it's done.

I hung some decorative shelves that I've had for a little while and also got her video baby monitor installed and functioning. Now I can sit and watch her empty crib from the living room....very exciting to say the least.

These weren't big things that I accomplished, but they were just a couple things that had been hanging over my head. I took the day slow, didn't get overwhelmed and got done what I could get done in time to still enjoy a 3 hour dinner with Kristin. I liked the pace of my day. Not everything is done, not even close actually, but I feel good and I enjoyed my day.

Lazy Monday

I've pretty much officially stopped going to my Monday morning gym class these days. I felt it was getting a little too intense for how far along I am and it seems that life in general takes what energy I have, so I'm trying not to feel too lazy about it. I suppose I should at least continue going to the gym and getting on a stationary bike or something to keep active...maybe tomorrow.

On another note, it's no secret that Florida is dry. Our area has been on strict water restrictions for awhile now, but we have actually gotten some wonderful rain lately. It's been the typical afternoon and evening storms that are so classic of Florida summers, but with how dry it's been lately, I've really enjoyed the rain. I allowed myself to linger a little last night when I would be on one of my multiple midnight walks around the house and just watch the lightening flicker through the blinds. It was that quiet kind of lightening, the kind that didn't share it's splendor with thunder but just gently let you know the storm was moving away. I couldn't even hear rain, only see the subtle flashes that would cast a glow against my bedroom wall. I liked it a lot. It was even more of a treat when I was able to sleep in this morning because the storm clouds kept Mr. Sunshine from knocking on my eyelids and the rain created an orchestra of perfect white noise to get that extra amount of sleep my body craved. The hard part it, now that I'm awake, the dreary weather causes me to want to be lazy. I've done a couple of things, but all I want to do is curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket and enjoy the storm....I'll have to balance that in somehow. Storms somehow make laziness more acceptable to me.

Tired and thankful

I'm exhausted. I stayed up way to late last night for still being a little under the weather, but this fatigue was well worth it.

I was able to spend Friday evening with my sisters, nieces, and dad. We didn't do anything fancy, but that's probably why we had such a good time. I do however know that we stayed up entirely too late for me, but again, it was worth it.

Today the girls from work hosted a wonderful shower for myself and another co-worker...she's due with a boy a little over a month after Elyse's due date. They did an amazing job and again I stared at all those little pink clothes, tiny diapers, and baby creams and I pondered when this will really sink in. I asked myself if I'll really know how to use these things to care for her properly and be able to meet her specific needs. Time will tell. I'm due a month from today and I'm anxious, excited, longing for her to come, but begging for more time all at once.

My mom and I both had to work on Mother's Day, so after the shower my mom, sisters, and I all met up for dinner to have a belated celebration. I love being a daughter, an aunt, and a sister. Elyse is girl #6 in a row on my side and I just think that's amazing. Looking around at all of us women at dinner knowing the legacy of ladies was continuing and growing gave me such a sense of pride to be a part of it all. Maybe becoming a mother myself has begun to cause me to appreciate it that much more and notice how similar our eyes turn when we smile or how our sense of humor is so alike. We are of course very different in many ways, but we share heritage and history and I'm seeing it in a whole new way these days.

The anticipation of a child causes you to think about so many things, yet in a way it's a clueless perspective because it's primarily guess-work. I think I'm really going to be amazed at the things I learn actually having a family and daughter of my own.

I just got home about 30 minutes ago and my eyes are burning as I finish this post. I'm tired but I'm thankful to have so many wonderful reasons to be exhausted.

Continuing to learn

I posted awhile ago about seeing chores as blessings and I had another little lesson.

We had numerous people over to our house for a baby shower that my friend had, and at the end of the festivities the house was a mess. I was so exhausted that night to tackle much of it, but I did what I could and promised myself that the little I accomplished was good enough and the rest would have to wait. The next day I began to tackle the chocolate cake stained tile, sticky counter tops, sink full of dishes, and unorganized clutter. I had to remind myself of my hopes to change my perspective on such tasks and I looked at them from another angle. The floor was filthy from family and friends who took the time to come here and celebrate in the anticipated arrival of a new baby. The dirt drug in from the soles of shoes was carried by people who love us and as I swept it I said a prayer of thanks for that dirt. The cake spilled around the kitchenette table was from my 2 precious nieces who are an absolute joy to be around. They also left soaking wet towels after their bubble bath in our bathroom, but seeing them in there giggling and playing, happy and healthy was worth the mess. I was able to babysit them after the baby shower so their parents could have dinner out together. Now my sister owes me one, that's a blessing ;)! The same stories go for the dishes in the sink and the clutter on the floor....I was again amazed by the end of my chores realizing how boring life would be if I didn't have messes to clean. Just 24 hours ago the walls echoed with laughter, anticipation, and love....how could I have ever been so blind to see it any other way. I'm often like that, I think a lot of people are. We want to be a part of and soak in the good stuff, but whine and complain about the necessary work that goes along with it. We want it our way on our terms when it's seldom about us to begin with and it can cause us to miss the very best parts.

I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to see it and I hope I'm wise enough to remember it next time I'm anxiously overwhelmed by chores.....speaking of which, my daughter's room is a disaster and it's bothered me for days....I think it's time to let that one go until I can get to it with the clear mind of my new found perspectives. Why are things like this that seem so simple when I write it out so hard to overcome? Life really is a battlefield of the mind and it's a daily fight that I need to remember to equip myself for with Godly armor.

Loosing myself

I feel like almost all I blog about anymore is pregnancy or baby related. Granted, my blog is about my life and that's what my life is about right now, but I don't want this to be just a baby blog. I don't want to become so consumed by "baby-ness" that I loose my sense of self and the multiple occurrences and lessons in life that have nothing to do with the baby.

It was so sweet of Matt to get me a card and gift for mother's day, but at the same time it was eye opening. Staring at my name on that envelope and then the word "mom" in parentheses right next to it stirred me. I know I'm about to become a mom, but I still want to be Ursula. You hear so many people referenced as "so-in-so's mom" that it's easy to see how you loose yourself if you aren't careful. I'll often be known as "Elyse's mom" and I'm sure I'll introduce myself that way at times too, but hopefully I'll somehow have figured out a way to balance being Ursula too.

I can tell it's already begun because my birthday is a couple of weeks away and it completely slipped my mind until someone asked me about it. They wanted to know what I wanted to do for my birthday, which was normally something I enjoyed planning ahead of time, and it just doesn't feel important this year and I'm not sure if it will ever have the same importance again. Sure, I wouldn't mind dinner out with family or friends, but I have a feeling my birthday is going to sneak up for years to come and often pass unnoticed by me until someone else mentions it. I'm more than ok with this, but it's just an example of how you apparently loose, or rather give, a part of yourself to your child.

This reminds me of one of my favorite lines in the book The Purpose Driven Life: What on earth am I here for?, it happens to be the opening line..."It's not about you. The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."

So maybe I'm being reminded again that it's not about me and it's not about "baby-ness" either, it's about Him and in that case, I hope I do loose myself.

I just got back from my first "mommies" lunch. Two other women in our small group either just had, or are about to have a baby and one of them lives just up the street. We ate at a local Panera and just talked baby talk...birth questions and concerns, new baby supplies, and must-haves for toddlers...it was very nice. I've been nervous about that aspect of all of this. We don't know many people with kids and a lot of my long-time friends aren't quite to this season yet, so it was really nice to be able to connect like that before Elyse is even here. I'm very thankful I know ahead of time that I'll have that outlet when I need it and a mommy friend so close by.

I'm still not back to feeling 100% myself, so I plan to lay low for most of the day, but there are a few things I'd like to get done. I've had an interesting time trying to hang a curtain rod in Elyse's room....apparently there is mental somewhere behind the drywall near the frame of the window and anchors don't like to screw into metal. Needless to say I'm having to patch and repaint some holes and the task in general isn't exactly easy with a protruding belly, but I do hope to get it done soon.

I have all of her clothes, towels, burp-cloths, and blankets birth through 3 months washed, folded, and put away...that was a big relief because they were just stacked in piles around her room and the clutter was really starting to get to me. Now there is just new clutter of curtain rods, shelves, tools, and other stuff I want to hang strung about that stares at me....hopefully I'll get to that soon...actually, maybe I should try to do that now.

Under the weather

I must have come down with something. I just spent the last 12 hours in bed and still feel like I could crawl right back in and rest another 12. I have that achy, foggy, run down feeling accompanied by razor blades in my throat. As usual, we have been extremely busy and this weeks calendar looks no different. I'm scheduled a lot at work and have commitments just about any time I'm not working. Sometimes when this happens I can't help but wonder if instead of being nudged to slow down, I get sick so I'm forced to. I have to rest, relax, and choose only absolutely necessary tasks to expend my precious energy on. Being sick often brings me back to the sense of necessity and reminds me that certain things can just wait....I have a VERY hard time with this when I'm feeling well and I struggle with it even when I'm sick. It's no surprise that there was a lot I was hoping to get done today to have the house in tidy working order before the week was in full force. I wanted to plan this weeks meals, do some grocery shopping, pick up a couple of gifts I need to buy, do a little bit of laundry, and work in the baby's room a bit....just the thought of all that exhausts me today, I wonder what I'll get done.

Mother's Day

First of all....Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

I got my first "early" mother's day card and had several people call me or wish me a Happy Mother's Day in person. I was caught off guard and don't feel deserving of it quite yet, it felt so strange and made me blush inside and out. I guess this is officially a holiday I will not only honor my own mother for, but I will be recognized myself. I really am growing up I guess.

Baby updates

We are almost 35 weeks now!!!! To an NICU nurse, that is VERY exciting. We saw the doctor Friday and we were able to have another ultrasound...those are always fun. My weight gain has been on the low side and I've measured small once or twice, so he just wanted to check her size and make sure she was progressing like she should. They guess her weight to currently be right at 5 pounds which puts her perfectly in the 28th percentile and anticipate her to be right at 7 pounds on her due date...so despite mommy's size, Elyse is right on target!

My has she changed from the grain of rice with a heartbeat we saw on the screen back in October. They image had to be magnified numerous times to get a peek of the flickering peanut, and now she consumes my entire belly with her head nestled in my pelvis and her bottom just below my chest. She was squirming, moving, and we could see her practicing her breathing movements. She even puckered her lips a few times and we could see her moving her tongue around in her mouth. The tech pointed out a "fuzzy" image surrounding her head and informed us that was her hair! Apparently it looked like she has lots of it, but I'm still skeptical on that one, I anticipate a beautifully bald baby.

The nesting phase of the pregnancy is well under-way and I've officially done her first load of laundry, now I'm just trying to get it all organized.

As I type I can feel her hiccuping and her feet have discovered my ribs within the last couple of weeks. Her movements can be seen through a fitted t-shirt and she moves all over the place before finding her "sweet spot" to settle into when I'm getting into bed. I dream of what the moment will be like when Matt and I see her for the very first time, when these months of anticipation come to fruition, when the numerous decisions, detailed planning, and hours of preparation boil down to a split second when we become parents. The two of us became one the moment we were married and we will be made a family when she's placed in our arms. My mind can't comprehend what that will be like and my body can't contain the joy, I tear up each time I think about it. At times I want it all to happen now, but more often, I want to soak and savor every aspect of this unique, intimate time we're in.

Our daughter's name

Naming a child has to be one of the most difficult things we've had to decide in a long, long time. We wanted her name to have meaning and significance, not just something trendy during the year of her birth. We wanted it to be uncommon, but not weird, unique, but not difficult to say or spell, but more than anything else, I wanted it to be placed so strongly on our hearts that we just knew the name belonged to her.

So much is behind a name and it will be hers forever...we knew it was a HUGE decision and one we did not take lightly. We spent months deciding, but we kept coming back to the first name we started with, the only name we had picked out before we knew she was even a girl.

Our daughter's name is Elyse Christina !

The name Elyse (Pronunciation: a-LEESE) is Hebrew and it means "God's promise" or "promised to God". It even meantmore to us because Mathew means "Gift from God" and now we have a to and a from. The night I had my little breakdown in the car and I promised our little girl to God, her name was sealed on my heart.I pretended to toss other names around and even

toyed with the idea of it being something else and I wanted to make sure Matt liked the name as much as I did, but it was that night in the car that I knew Elyse was to be her name. Her middle name is after Matt's mom who passed away 7 years ago this month. I greatly wish I would have had the opportunity to know her and I even wish it more so for our daughter. I love hearing stories about her and I think Elyse will too. Everything about her sounds amazing and naming our daughter after her is an honor.

We chose to spell it Elyse instead of Elise because we have heard that the spelling Elise, when read quickly, often causes people to read it as Elsie, so using the y was our way of trying to prevent that if possible. We also just both really liked the look of the y, hopefully she will too.

Sunday afternoon my friend Kristin with help from my friend Rachel threw an amazing shower at our house. There were many people I hadn't seen in awhile and don't see nearly enough and it was such a nice time. The numerous gifts and necessities for Elyse are really starting to help me feel a little more prepared and I'm starting to grasp just how close we really are to bringing her home with us.

Chore basket of blessings

In the midst of all my nesting, there are so many things about myself that seem to be surfacing. Maybe I'm being refined in the process of trying to prepare a home for our daughter, after all, what good is an adorable nursery and researched stroller if the mother's a mess.

I overwhelm myself. I often place unrealistic expectations of the things that I feel MUST be accomplished in a day. I begin fresh, pure, unscathed days with a mental chore list a mile long and before my feet hit the floor I know I've already failed. I buzz around at a ridiculous pace bouncing from one task to the next only to get side-tracked by one that wasn't on my list, but of course needs to be tended to right then. As I type this, I feel like I've written about this before. I have an inability to just relax and be still. Even at rest numerous things parade through my mind of synapsing neurons and it interferes with my ability to enjoy even the simplest of tasks. That's the odd thing....many of the things I do, in my heart of hearts, I like doing them. I love the sense of accomplishment and the reward of a clean house, empty laundry baskets, a stocked fridge, and a decorated nursery....I like that a lot. Somehow in my hustle and bustle I get away from the honor that it is to be doing those things.

Here is something new I'm trying to help change this about myself:

While I'm folding laundry I pray for the person or task it has to do with. For example, if it's Matt's work clothes I pray over him at his job and the things that go along with that. If it's my scrubs for the hospital, I pray over the babies and families I'm connected with each day and ask for guidance and patience for the incredible situations being faced. If it's my pregnancy pillowcase, I pray over my body and baby. My lab coat for the Pregnancy Center, the sheets for our bed, the hand towels for our kitchen...you get the idea. Before I knew it I was staring at a basket of blessings that had once been an item on a checklist anxiously awaiting to be crossed off by a hurried hand. It obviously took me longer to accomplish the goal, but the process was restored and a chore became a way to connect.

Hopefully I can keep this up and find new ways to slow down old tasks and restore the honor that so many "chores" truly are.