He went before us

Matt and I had a concern. A concern regarding Elyse's care that before she was born we weren't 100% sure how we ultimately wanted to handle it. Now that we're more experienced, wiser, and a little more comfortable and confident in our role as the ones placed in authority over her we knew not only what we wanted to do, but ultimately what was our responsibility to make happen and this time in particular it went against the grain. I'm not good in positions like this. I like difficult decisions made for me. I like to be a follower not a leader. I like to lean on those I trust and place confidence in but view myself as a shaky shoulder. Parenting is straightening my spine and I'm slowly gaining ground. Although I'm learning to face these things head on, sometimes armed with nothing more than my maternal gut and the Holy Spirit's peace, I still tremble when it comes time to carry things out. The situation was upon us and I prayed that God would go before us (Deuteronomy 1:30) and give patience and understanding to those we were working with. I prayed that before we would even get there the bulk of the work would be done. I prayed for parental confidence and wisdom for how to handle it, even if it meant leaving.

We entered a little apprehensive but firm and united none the less and we left almost baffled at how supported, encouraged, and respected we felt. We breathed a sigh of relief at how smoothly things went and were literally grinning with amazement. "I didn't expect it to go quite like that" Matt said. "Neither did I" I responded. Although surprised, we felt very proud of our firm footing and the mutual respect graciously offered by both parties.

It wasn't until later that it hit me. We prayed for exactly that, very specifically that and it happened precisely that way right down to the responses and reactions. Why didn't we expect it to go that way then? Why were we so surprised? Are my prayers lacking confidence in the great and mighty power of His ability or concern to handle them? I know I pray them whole-heartedly and I know He hears, but do I subconsciously doubt the truth that the most effective parenting tool I have is laying Elyse at the feet of her Creator? No, I don't doubt that for one second but I am guilty of not offering up silent praises and prayers of thanks right there in that room. I'm guilty of not realizing it until later but I was obedient to what I felt led to do and He handled the rest. He had my tiny little family of 3 clasped gently in His palm and He went before us just like we asked. How awesome is that.

This picture doesn't have much to do with the story but it's just such a sweet picture of her face. A face that has no choice but to trust. A face that has no say in what happens and is completely reliant and dependent on the big and little decisions that are made numerous times a day. For some reason that trust and innocence seems magnified in this picture, minus the cereal of course......no, wait, not minus the cereal. The cereal is just another representation of that trust. What and how I nourish her, she just takes it. Like a little sponge she soaks in whatever she's given and the one nourishment she needs more than any other is the Bread of Life and it's my job to lead her in that as well. Oh how that sweet little face has no clue the efforts and great lengths, fears and anxieties, joys and heartache, hopes and dreams that are encountered daily by her parents.

Merry Christmas

I spent Christmas day in the NICU. Yes, I had to work Christmas day this year. Even though I only work twice per month I still have holiday requirements that must be fulfilled and since Elyse has no clue what's going on this year, I chose to work Christmas so I won't have to for the next year or two.



We celebrated at our house Christmas eve and had both sides of our family over. Dinner was delicious and everyone brought something to share so the burden of cooking wasn't weighing heavily on just one person. The turkey was delicious and my first try at dressing in the slow cooker was a success. We ate, mingled, opened presents and everyone went on their merry way. Christmas is changing. Christmas for me has been a slow fade from the magic and anticipation it contained as a child to the point where for a few years it seemed to be sort of missing that spark. My childhood memories are filled with the fragrant aroma of cinnamon rolls with the sounds of Alvin and the Chipmunks singing carols in the background and a quick glance around the room reveals torn colorful paper and empty toy packages while off to the side 3 little girls are playing with their new treasures. Those little girls could hardly sleep the night before and were awake before the sun to see what awaited them. The promise of presents from Santa for being nice instead of naughty prompted good behavior for a few weeks leading up to the big day. There were traditions of tree stars, Christmas lights, and board games. It was simply magic and although Elyse didn't know what was going on, I was much more interested in seeing her reaction to the presents, paper, and excitement that I never even wondered what awaited me under the tree. In all honesty it wouldn't have mattered if there wasn't anything there. I got a few things and they were nice and I probably wouldn't have gotten them for myself, but I truly don't want for anything and I'm thankful to be aware of that truth.

I didn't take nearly enough pictures and none of the ones I took were even all that post-worthy, so I'll make sure to tuck the memories extra snug in my memory bank. It was a wonderful evening and I look forward to the new memories and traditions my own little family will make in the years to come.

On Saturday Matt and I braved the mall as an excuse to get out and do something and possibly find a deal worth bringing home in the midst of all the sales. I was actually hoping to find a "Baby's first Christmas 2009" ornament since Elyse doesn't have one, but we were unable to find one. I'm thinking of making her one myself, that would be more meaningful anyway.

On Sunday we actually missed church. At first I was very disappointed in us, but Matt took care of Elyse all morning and allowed me to sleep in. I slept so late that we would have barely made the service anyway and we would have had to wake Elyse up from a much needed, lengthy morning nap to go. We don't normally do this and since it is a day of rest anyway I think God will be okay with it just this once ;). I felt so much more refreshed all day and I love starting this new week out with a little extra sleep under my belt and I'm definitely going to need it. Once again the house needs cleaning and I have a friend from out of town coming to spend the night with us tomorrow, which I am very excited about. We also have a wedding to go to Thursday evening which should be fun as well.

Today we took Elyse to her 6 month visit with the pediatrician. She weighed in at a petite 12 pounds 6 ounces (23%) and was 25.5" (40%) long. I was a little concerned when I saw her weight because she hadn't doubled her birth weight but our wonderful doctor gave her a superior bill of health and put my concerns to rest. She's just little, always has been and likely always will be. I know my child is healthy and thriving but it still means so much to hear it from someone else, especially a physician we trust and respect.

It seems like there is so much more I could write about but probably nothing worthy of repeating. It was just a nice weekend. It was calm, restful, and filled with time together. I don't have any super exciting pictures or fascinating stories, it was simply nice and amidst all the hurry we needed that.

6 months old!

And sitting up! Not consistently, but she can do it.

Tomorrow Christmas Eve dinner is being held at our house. Once again I've been scurrying around and as I type my house looks like a tornado went through it. Between the scattered baby toys, stacked laundry waiting to be tucked into drawers, and dishes left from cooking and eating dinner it seems to look like that at the end of every day anyway so today is no different really. With a head count of about 16 people that will be here, I don't think I need to spend too much time cleaning because after about an hour in won't look like I ever even did anything to begin with. I just want to enjoy it. This will be my first time cooking the turkey and although I'm a little apprehensive, I'm confident it will turn out no less than acceptable.

I better get wrapping!

Our Christmas card. I may have a hard time topping this one next year because I have a feeling a squirmy toddler won't be such a good sport.

Another busy weekend!

This one seemed even busier than last weekend, but tis' that time of year! This was a very merry busy weekend. Friday night I went to an ornament exchange with about 9 other girls. It was a lot of fun and I came home with this little guy. He is such a Florida ornament, that's why I liked him. I had to "steal" to get him, but he never got taken from me so I was happy.

I made some rice cereal for Elyse this weekend, it was her first time having anything "solid". I paused and reflected for a moment on the fact that absolutely nothing aside from me has nourished her since she was conceived last September. That's over a full year of nothing but mommy and feeding her that first spoonful of something different was a little bitter sweet and another reminder of how fast she changes. We videoed her actually eating, but here's a picture of her in her new space saver high chair with a bib on for the first time. She looked so sinkin' cute!

On Saturday I pampered myself with a hair appointment and came home to prepare for our small group Christmas party that was held at our house. I was proud of myself for making my dish ahead of time and although I was still scurrying around at the last minute to get everything in order before people showed up, it was much more calm than normal because at least the food was taken care of. Last year we had a "sweater" party, this year we did gingerbread houses. There were 5 couples total, one house per couple. One couple had to leave early so we ended up with a little "neighborhood" of 4 gingerbread houses, worthy of the parade of homes in my opinion. I have to admit I was not all that excited to assemble these things. I'm not very creative, crafty, or patient with sticky messes but in the end I must say that it was the most fun I'd had for $10 in a very long time!

Here's our small group (minus Elyse who was asleep already).

The blank pallets awaiting our creative juices.

"Teamwork". Matt was wonderful moral support, but he wasn't very into the decorating aspect, so our house was definitely the most humble of the 4.

I imagine it's how Charlie Brown's would look if he had one. I wasn't very happy with our little house when compared to the others, but that's a good reminder. We had fun making it and I was very pleased until I compared it......life's like that sometimes. Contentment, one of life's most necessary nouns. Our icing is droopy, the deer looks dead, the marshmallow man out front appears to be stumbling into the window and the wreath is crooked.......but out of our "brick" chimney are gum-drop hearts. It is a house full of love. That chimney and those hearts were the first thing we assembled and one of the only parts we did together. I like that. I think it's very symbolic of us. Matt travels often and works long hours while I'm at home taking care of the house, but together we fill it with love. It's the first and most important thing we do.

Here are the 4 houses together in our own little "snow village". I'm still finding coconut snow shaving around my house! Notice the marshmallow deer that just attacked a gingerbread man in the lawn of the bottom right house. Also notice the tree in our yard (bottom left) and compare it to the tree in our yard in the picture before this one. The one in this photo is the tree we really made. The tree was Matt's job and he gave up pretty quickly so for the other picture I borrowed a " neighbor's" tree. To me that is symbolic of our small group, we just help each other out like that. In fact, another "neighbor" felt so sorry for our pitiful little house that he let us use some of his light-up Christmas lights. This is a great group of people to be doing life and gingerbread houses with.

Remember the couple who needed to leave early? Well, we didn't want them to miss all the fun and luckily they lived right up the street, so at 10pm we carried our 4 houses over to their house and left them on their doorstep to greet them the next morning (we knocked on the door that night but they didn't hear it). I felt like a mischievous kid in high school sneaking out and I can only imagine what the cars driving by thought. It was a lot of fun and for a brief moment I forgot how old I was and wondered if it was weird that I enjoyed that so much.

We also did an ornament exchange at this party as well and Matt and I went away with 6 of these little guys, so now our tree is officially full or rodents. Although a little creepy, I'm quite fond of them actually.

On Sunday we went to the later service and then my dad brought over someone special for us to meet. Matt, Elyse, and I enjoyed a late lunch out with my dad and Susan and enjoyed some Oreo Ice Cream dessert afterward at our house. It was a wonderful afternoon and we topped the evening off with a movie under blankets on the couch. One of my favorite parts of the entire weekend is that it was actually cold outside. It made everything we did seem that much more festive and I hope this weather lingers awhile.

This picture is definitely worth 1,000 words

I love this picture for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is because just behind Elyse on the left upper side of the picture is our ornament from last year. Inside the frame is a 12 week ultrasound of Elyse. I didn't take this picture that way intentionally, but when I was looking through them later I noticed it. I'm continually amazed at how fast time seems to go now that I have a child. This time last year I was pregnant, we didn't even know Elyse was a girl yet........now I can hardly remember life before her and I certainly can't fathom life without her. I've been emotional today, it's just been one of those days where I've noticed all of the little things. I've savored little bits and pieces of this day and then got teary eyed knowing that I'll never be able to store these things in my memory bank the way I would like to. There is just no way to store them the way my senses perceive them. I was reading her a bedtime story tonight and lately, instead of watching, grabbing the pages and tearing the paper, she leans back in my lap to where she's almost flat and looks up at me. She just sits quietly and watches my face and my lips as I read the pages. Every now and then she'll grin, but for the most part she just stares. What is she thinking? What is that inquisitive little mind piecing together now? She looks at me with such honesty, trust, and adoration. How do you bottle that feeling? How can I store away the feeling of that moment along with the fresh, fragile, precious, innocent fragrance of her skin and hair from the bath just prior, or seal away the sensation of her pajamaed feet tapping against my leg. Tonight I read just one more book and I began to cry. One of the hardest things about becoming her mother is realizing that there is no way she will ever really understand how much I love her, how deep it goes, and how I will have spent her entire life making sure she knows that. It's impossible for me to think a thought like that and not think about God. I'm His Elyse, but it even goes beyond that because His love is greater than my love, it's pure, perfect, and unfailing. I have a new appreciation and understanding for the love He has for me as His daughter, but even more so the realization of what it would be like to give your child's life. I can only imagine how much that hurt and how hard it must have been. Now that I have my own child, I'm that much more grateful and at least somewhat more aware of the sacrifice it took. While holding Elyse tonight and given the season of Christmas that we're in, I couldn't help but be reminded that Jesus was once a baby just like her. I felt so close to Him tonight, so close that the emotions overwhelmed me and as I type this I almost feel listless, drained perhaps, but in a very good way. His presence surprised me, overtook me, and reminded me of how close He always is, whether I feel it or not.

Whirlwind weekend

This weekend went by so fast, too fast really. Friday night we went out to dinner for the first time with Elyse. Due to her very early bedtime that she just seems to love, we aren't usually able to make it out to eat. We were able to on Friday because Matt got home much earlier than normal so we decided to go to Carraba's. We were leaving the restaurant by 7pm and Elyse was just starting to make it apparent that we had pushed her limits. However, I would definitely call the dinner a success and I'm glad we were able to do it.

I awoke early Saturday morning for a full 12 hours at work. The NICU is once again busy and although I had a full assignment the shift went very well. Matt met me at the hospital around 7:15pm and we drove to a Christmas party hosted by people I used to work with at LRMC. I was beyond a chatter box at the party. I hadn't seem some of them in over 6 months and it was wonderful to catch up. I feel so fortunate to have worked with such an amazing group of people and to still be in contact with them. It's almost sad that it often takes the holidays to get people together like that. We all decided that night that we need to make an effort to do things like that more often, which is very good in theory, but is understandably hard to do. Work schedules, family life, babies, distance.....they all just seem to throw a wrench in the fun stuff ;).

My mom spent the night with us Saturday night and watched Elyse while Matt and I, along with some of his coworkers, went to the Bucs game. We first ate lunch with Matt's dad and cousin before heading to the stadium. The game was a disgrace, but the weather was nice, we had club seats paid for by Matt's firm and the company was wonderful, so all in all it was a very enjoyable time. Once we got home and relieved my mom from baby duty, Matt grilled some steaks and asparagus and baked some potatoes. We enjoyed our dinner with one of Matt's close friends from high school and ended the evening very low key with good conversation.

Monday met my feet when they hit the floor this morning and greeted me with a bad headache. I'm been fighting it all day and although I haven't gotten a ton accomplished, I did not allow it to be victorious over me. I managed some dishes and laundry and took Elyse to the park before her last nap of the day. I have a lot I hope to get accomplished this week, but nothing that will tip the earth from it's axis if it doesn't get done.

Comforted

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” (Isaiah 43:1)

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

Dear God,
Thank you for that today. I love that you know my name and that despite everything else, I'm yours and because I trust you, you will give me perfect peace. Please continue to guide me out of this rut.
Love,
Ursula

Wow!

This picture absolutely cracks me up! It looks like she is REALLY excited about the tree, something under it, or something on it. I like that thought. In reality, that's just the face she makes when she wants to put something in her mouth. Elyse, I don't think the tree would taste very good or help with your teething pain, I'm sorry sweetheart. I also love how blue her eyes look in this shot. Her eyes are blue, very blue actually, but not quite this blue. I didn't photo shop it or saturate the color or anything. I love my blue eyed little blondie.

Rut

So.....I've been in this "rut" lately. I've tried to describe it to others, explain in to Matt, and figure it out for myself. I don't know what it is, why it's here, or when it will leave. I've read, I've prayed, I've waited, I've ignored, I've acknowledged. The book we're doing in our small group talks about spiritual highs and lows, that they're normal and part of the growing process. For awhile that gave me comfort, but in reality, for me it was just a complacent excuse.

My life has changed so much. Everything has done a 180 in the last 6 months. It's definitely been for the better, but is very different none the less. I used to work full time and volunteer part time; now I stay at home. It used to be just Matt and I; now we have a child. Those two things in and of themselves have rocked my core, so I'm not sure if that's what's causing my rut or not.

I guess the best way to describe my "rut" is feeling the inability to truly connect with God, to hear Him, or to sense His presence. It's that feeling of distance. Lately I have this feeling of inadequacy to fully be the kind of roll model I want to be for Elyse. The morals and characteristics I desire for her to value are things I struggle with myself. Without a present and vibrant connection with God I feel like I don't have the resources within me to achieve this. I have wonderful and amazing parents who love me very much and taught me so many things I value. There are so many important things they instilled in me that I'm so thankful for. However, I'm sort of the "black sheep" when it comes to this area. I'm definitely different than my family in this regard and because of that I struggle with feeling capable of modeling or teaching certain things. I feel like I just don't know how to and it's weighing on me.

I'm sure this desire to be my very best so that Elyse gets the very best is natural of all parents. For some things it's easier, more tangible per say, but in the area of a true and vibrant relationship with the living God as the conductor of your life.....is harder for me. I'm still learning and growing, I always will be, and at times like this when I feel the distance or silence of that relationship this fear creeps up that I'm failing. Thoughts enter my head that I'll never be any more or any further that what I am right now. Nudges of accepting where I'm at because it's still better than where I was tap my shoulders. Inadequacy. Complacency for where I am. What I am, what I do, it will just have to be good enough. I'm stuck. I should get used to it. The problem with all these things is that they're lies and like a thief in the night they are after me. They are after my family. It is a very real and present danger. They call on me to lower my expectations, decrease my standards, and suppress the desire to live a life after God's own heart. They beckon me to give in to a life of complacency where before dinner prayers and Sunday sermons are enough. It's not enough. It's not anywhere close. I know because I've been there and I've had that. I just don't know how to get back.

It's been going on for weeks and through the silence and distance I believe one of my core issues is not having a strong enough foundation in the Word. There is power in scripture made for things just like this and I'm lacking in it. Throughout other times in my life I've found scripture to combat it and won every single time. That was my resource. Praying, speaking, and believing in His promises provided everything I ever needed and more. I'm lacking in the wisdom to battle this and all "this" is, is life. There will always be "something" so it's high time I suit up in some armor. At least I know it's a great place to start.

What a weekend! It was pretty low key actually, but somehow that made everything we did so much more special. The weather was cold, damp, and dreary which we welcomed as an excuse to stay indoors. We watched football and ate pizza one night and watched a movie and ate surf and turf with king crab legs another. The surf and turf was one of the best dinners I have honestly ever had, and grilling steaks is something Matt does VERY well. Even the steak I had from Burn's couldn't top his (although I'm sure cost had a factor in that). Aside from small group on Friday night and church on Sunday, that's about all we have to show for our weekend and I like that. Today I need to get the house back in order, run an errand, and hopefully visit a close friend who just had her baby girl yesterday. I love watching friends become mom's now. There is so much I've wanted to express to her, share with her, prepare her for, but there just aren't the proper words in the world to express the joys and heartache of parenting. The way your heart doubles in size and the new perspective you have on everything......it's miraculous, amazing, and incredible, but no true way to describe it to someone else. Then when you see them with their new baby, you just know that they know, no words are even needed......I love that.

Compliment

I just got a phone call from my dad who was in Publix. He had some ribs I made a week or two ago and he wanted to make sure he bought the exact ingredients I used to replicate the dinner that he was making for someone special. He thought they were THAT good! Aside from my No Bake cookies, this was a first for me and it definitely made me smile. I hope the meal turns out wonderful and they enjoy them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Just toying with Christmas card ideas....this one almost made the cut.

The decisions continue

I joined the gym yesterday. I've been wanting to get back on track for quite some time now, but the gym I was a member of during my pregnancy does not take babies until they are 6 months old and the nearby gym who took them younger was much too expensive, so wait I did. Waiting was very hard for me. I worked out and exercised before and throughout my entire pregnancy. Truthfully I believe that's why my pregnancy was an absolute dream. I had minimal weight gain, a fast delivery, and a speedy recovery. I weighed myself postpartum for the first time when Elyse was 8 days old. I was wearing my regular clothes already and the scale shocked me when I realized I had just 4 pounds to loose. I'm not trying to boast, brag, or toot my own horn here, that's just when I realized that my hard work paid off and in that regard, I haven't worked very hard since.

I was starting to feel down about myself, not just physically, but in many other ways as well and I knew exercising would help. I stopped by yesterday and even though Elyse is only 5 months old they agreed to take her and I happily rejoined. I attended my first group fitness class since May last night and it felt wonderful. Matt's work travel has increased lately so there are often days and nights I'm alone and don't even get an hour to myself until Elyse goes to bed, so taking that hour for myself felt absolutely invigorating.....until they had to pull me out of class because Elyse was having a breakdown. I hurried over to where she was and she was hysterically crying, her eyes were red, her nose was running, it was just pitiful. She didn't settle until she was in her car seat and we were heading home. Upon "rescuing" her, I could immediately tell what the problem was, there were just too many people around her. Kids of all ages were trying to make her laugh and basically just in her face. Elyse doesn't like that. Neither would I. She also doesn't like to be held close or facing you, she prefers to be held facing out so she can see what's going on. She absolutely doesn't snuggle. I could count on one hand the times she has actually laid her head on my shoulder and as heartbreaking as that can be, it's who she is and it's how she is. This one trait alone tends to bite her in the butt with others because that's the first way other people tend to soothe a baby and it only aggravates her. So that was the scene I approached, kids in her face, a nursery worker trying to hold her close, and a screaming Elyse.

I felt so discouraged by how the evening went, so discouraged that for a brief second I thought about cancelling the membership. I shouldn't do this to her I thought. Having kids of all those different ages mixed together is too much. One worker can't possibly keep up with all that and my stomach will turn every time I have to leave her in there. Once she starts crawling it will only seem worse. I felt selfish for putting her through this for something I wanted to do. Well, I just don't give up that easy on anything and this would be no exception. After talking it over with Matt last night he encouraged me that I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish over something that is important to me. We came up with a few ways to try to make it work. Instead of an evening class I went to a morning class today thinking there would be less kids during school hours. We were right, there was only one little toddler in there with Elyse. It went beautifully for both of us. I also purchased 3 personal training sessions to learn to use the equipment properly for times that I can't make it to the classes because of Elyse's nap times, etc., and I could plan to go at slower times so it's more comfortable for her.

Some people would think I'm caving too much and I should "make" Elyse "get used to it". Some people may think I shouldn't be doing it at all because of how upset she got, germs from kids, or other reasons. I like our decision and even though I can't directly discuss it with Elyse, I feel like we compromised and we're both better for it.

I never thought about things like this before Elyse was here. I guess there were a lot of things I didn't think about, but then again I couldn't because I didn't have a mother's heart yet. Having a mother's heart makes everything look different and every decision seem different and so much more crucial. It's hard. I go to bed at night hoping and praying that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources that I had that day. I know I won't always get it right and I'm sure I'll have regrets, but I try. I truly give it my best, but each day, every single day of every single week of each passing month I give her to God. I prayerfully place her in His hands and if I never get anything else right, I'm confident in that. His hedge of protection provides security I couldn't ever possibly give her. His love for her is greater than anything I could offer. His wisdom is more profound than any knowledge I'll ever have. His truths offer more assurance, consistency, and stability than I'll ever be able to model. I'm thankful each and every day that Matt and I are far from parenting her alone. I get so overwhelmed and constantly question myself with the decisions I make. Parental confidence does not come naturally or easily and I wholeheartedly hurt for people who try to do this without Him. I can't possibly imagine that and thankfully I'll never have to know.

We had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and Matt and I loved how it all worked out this year. We went to his family's on Thursday and my family's on Saturday and had huge delicious and traditional dinners at both with a day of rest in between, it was perfect. The weather has been so nice and we took Elyse to two different parks one day. She loves to be outside, swing, and people watch.....the park meets every one of those little desires. The tree is up and decorated, Christmas music hums in the background on most evenings, and that "feeling" is truly in the air. Like most people, I absolutely love this time of year.

I continue to get more and more comments on how many people love the pictures I post, so I'll attach a few random ones from the last several days.

This is our french princess in her little beret. She can seriously make anything look cute, in my humble opinion.

This was taken on Thanksgiving day at Mark and Kathy's. It was so cute to see Kathy's grand kids all lined up in a row entertaining Elyse, and entertained she was.

Elyse with her Opa (Mark), he is tickled pink with her.

Okay, totally random picture here. This was me trying to be creative with one of Matt's favorites. He loves sloppy joes, so I tried to make a "sloppy joe bake" by using crescent rolls as a crust around it. Some things should be left well enough alone. It was good, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it I guess.

Matt ran a quick errand on Friday and came home with these "just because". I love the spontaneously thoughtful side of that man.

Elyse and I in front of her very first Christmas tree.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As soon as our sleeping beauty awakes from her nap we'll be on our way to Mark and Kathy's. I've already have so much to be thankful for just in this day alone.
1. Elyse slept until 8:30am. She is healthy, happy, and ours.
2. I woke up next to a man I love, respect, and am proud to be doing life with and in a marriage I have so much confidence in.
3. The weather is gorgeous.
4. I only had to make 1 side as my portion of the dinner today.
5. I am loved, undeniably blessed, and aware of it all.

It was still dinner to me

I made spinach-lasagna rolls on Sunday night because Matt requested something Italian for when he came home from the game. I told him what I made and described them to him.....mozzarella, noodles, spinach, egg, cottage cheese, etc. He proceeded to tell me in a joking manner, "That's not dinner if there isn't any meat in it." Now that's the encouraging husband I love! He is such a meat and potatoes kind of guy, I should have left the meatless part a secret because he really liked it in the end. I actually liked this much better than traditional lasagna. It was easier, cheaper, and healthier by far.....it is definitely going on the repeat list. I also like that it's something I can make ahead and refrigerate overnight and then just pop it in the oven for dinner. I feel like it's a recipe I could easily toy with by adding or deleting ingredients, and for me to feel bold enough to do that is a pretty big deal.

I've been neglectful of household duties lately so I'm committed to having 2 days of productivity before the holidays swing into full motion. I'm excited to be off for Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it....that's a first in almost 7 years for me, and yes, I'll enjoy it!

I got the feeling this was a common saying, but at church on Sunday was the first time I've heard it. "If it's on your mind, it's on God's heart, and if it's on God's heart, it's in God's word." In some ways I've had a lot on my mind, and in other ways I feel like I haven't had enough. For lack of better words, I've felt heavy lately. Not burdened per say, but just heavy, and I'm not quite sure why. Thinking of that saying last night prompted me to get out my bible before bed. I wasn't quite sure where to turn to, so I opened Psalm 139, it was hard to feel heavy after that. I often forget how well He knows me and my thoughts. He knows me better and more intimately than I'll ever know myself because He made me, today I'll rest assured in that.

We once again had a good weekend. Friday our small group got cancelled and since we had a sitter already we had a little date night out and met up with a friend. Both Saturday and Sunday morning Matt gave me the best gift ever! Elyse woke bright and early, I fed her, then he got up and changed, played, etc until he put her down for her morning nap. I slept until 9am or later both days! Sparkly jewelry, fancy dinners.....I'll take sleep over those any day. We spent time with his family on Saturday and Matt was able to go to the Bucs game on Sunday, the game was a complete blow-out, but he had a good time with his dad.

Time to get to my housework!

Our first day at the park......

I can't believe I haven't taken her sooner. I just figured there wouldn't be much she could do, but she LOVED swinging, the nice weather, and watching the other kids play. It happened to be a Westchase Mom's Club play date as well, so I connected with a few other mom's in my area. One of the girls I had met at the deli counter at Publix last week. Our daughter's are just 4 months apart and we seem to have a lot in common. We both got out of the house, Elyse had fun, I met a friend, and the weather was gorgeous....it just doesn't get much better than that.

This chicken dish looked almost too good to eat. It came out so juicy and tender, I don't think I've ever been able to cook chicken just right like that. As for flavor....it still just seemed like plain old chicken breast. Oh well, we still enjoyed it and it was pretty healthy.

The ever changing hair of Elyse

This picture was taken when she was one week old. She still had her head full of brownish, reddish hair.

By the end of her first month it was thinning out, but definitely still there.

In October "the mullet" hit. She was almost completely bald on top, but had very long, brown hair in the back. Matt would say, "Business in the front, party in the back."

Here she is this morning with quite a bit of very blonde hair making it's way in. It's still far too thin and short for fancy bows, but we're just happy it showed up.

She is very into grabbing and grasping things lately. She will try to lean and get to anything nearby, and of course, everything goes right to her mouth. She tries to take cups out of your hands and wants to hold everything to explore it's shape, texture, and sounds. While Matt was giving her a bath this weekend she became mesmerized by the water coming out of the faucet. She tries so hard to grab it, hold it, and put it in her mouth. She will concentrate and focus so hard on the little stream of water. She will hold her hands so steady and so carefully, she will leave them open under the water then quickly she will grasp and pull her hands to her mouth. It's so cute and so sad at the same time because she just doesn't understand why the water doesn't come with her hands.

Just getting around to you blog

This past weekend was very busy. Matt worked a half day on Friday so he could come home early and take over baby duty so I could go to a friends bachelorette party in Siesta Key. It was the first time I had ever left Elyse overnight and it went wonderfully. I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself and I was thankful for the little get away with the girls. For awhile now I've been saying that I would love to have a night without a baby monitor because although Elyse sleeps through, she will still make noises throughout the night that wake me. The thought of one long night of uninterrupted sleep sounds so refreshing. Well, I had no monitor Friday night, but I was sleeping on an old, creaky, beach bungalow pull-out couch next to my friend Rachel. We stayed up entirely too late and I would have slept much better WITH the baby monitor at home, although that wouldn't have been nearly as fun.

I came home late Saturday morning and the 3 of us just hung around the house. I was tired and actually managed to squeeze a nap in which was wonderful. It was a very lazy, relaxing day that Matt topped off by grilling burgers outside since the weather was so nice. We went to bed early because I had to work Sunday, so Matt had another full day of baby duty. He did all the feedings, naps, diapers, toys, bath, books, and even a load of dishes. My shift at work was smooth and fun and I came home that night to a delicious pot roast awaiting me. I sat down and started eating, it tasted so good and I was so thankful for the fact that he cooked it. I was eating away and Matt was sort of picking at his with his fork examining it. He said, "I think I cooked it too long, it looks a little over-done." He explained how he had gotten distracted by Elyse during cooking, etc. For the first time I think we both truly felt what it was like to be in the other person's shoes. I had worked all day, I was tired, I missed my little girl, and I was just happy to sit down with him for a hot meal. I didn't even pay attention to how the roast was cooked. I said to him, "Oh wow, is this what it's like when I cook and get all worried about it, do you really just sit down and appreciate the meal without thinking twice?" He said "Yes, definitely." That was such a refreshing moment to me and I'm glad we were both able to observe and appreciate a little glimpse of how the other person really sees things.

He did such a good job caring for Elyse, but I spent most of the day yesterday grocery shopping and establishing order in the house after a weekend of daddy daycare. To no fault of his own, the house was a mess. It's still not back up to par, but I can chip away at it today after Elyse and I go on a play date.

Cold

It's cold today and I like that. I like that a lot. In fact, a little too cold to take my evening jog with Elyse. The past two days it was too rainy, now it's too chilly.....maybe I'm just too lazy. I love the first true cold day we get down here because I get excited over which winter clothes I'll wear. I don't have many and the ones I do have are several years old because they just don't get worn like my other clothes. It was also fun to dress Elyse in some warmer clothes as well....she just looks so snugly and huggable all bundled like that. I'll have to add a picture when I get the chance, but she's taking a late, extra, much needed nap right now. We have had such a groove the past several days. Her routine was like clock-work, almost to the minute. Her naps were consistent and restorative for her. We did all of our busyness in between them and it helped me feel so competent as her mother. I could read her cues, respond to her cries because I was absolutely sure what she needed, more so than that, I could confidently anticipate exactly what would be needed and when so there was seldom even a reason for her to cry, everything was just flowing so nicely and I felt like we were finally in our niche......then came today. It's amazing how one day can rock my assurance as a mother, and it did. I'm not sure what caused it, but the only thing certain was that it was certainly different. Everything that would be her "norm" went out the window and I found myself trying so many different things this evening to figure out what was wrong. Her naps were short and random which threw off her eating as well. She took a mini-nap in the car while running a lengthy errand (which I try to avoid) which further threw the day out of wack. By the time this afternoon rolled around she didn't know what she needed and neither did I. I tired feeding her, putting her to bed, playing with her, rocking her.....nothing seemed to work. I felt like I was a babysitter for someone else's child trying to calm this upset baby while anxiously waiting for her mother to walk in the door and fix it all. She finally settled and played happily for awhile but then got pretty tired, so a late nap it is. Hopefully all will be well tomorrow because I don't like feeling like that, but I'm learning over and over that it just comes with the job.

Oh, I almost forgot, here's a story for you. Yesterday evening I was checking the mail after dark. I stuck my hand in the mailbox to retrieve the mail and I felt something that didn't belong. I wasn't sure what it was, but it felt like the carcass of a lizard or frog or something. Because it was so dark I couldn't see in the mailbox to confirm the suspicion so I did what all loving wives do. I called Matt who was on his way home from work and asked him to check the mail. I told him my story and said use your cell phone as a light or something before you go in blind. Shortly after he walked in the door holding the mail and I asked, "So, was there anything in there?". He snickered and said, "Yeah, the mail." Weird, I thought, I was sure I felt something. That was the last of that.

Today I went to check the mail during the day while it was light out and I stuck my hand in to grab it and ran my hand smack into a frog skeleton! Yuck! I'm not sure if a neighborhood kid is playing a trick, if Matt just somehow missed it yesterday, or if my mailbox somehow became a frog cemetery, but either way I was totally grossed out. I'm SURE it was there last night, and it's still there as I type. I'm not touching that thing. I'll just ask Matt to get the mail again tonight ;).

This whole cooking thing.....

is going much better! I got a great new cookbook that a friend suggested and it seems to be a great beginners/busy/intimidated person's book. I've made some Mahi, meatloaf, chicken, sausage manicotti, and today I'm baking a loaf of banana bread from scratch. Later this week I'm going to attempt a roast and some ribs....wish me luck. One of the things I've come to love about some of the recipes is the left-overs! I can spend 30 to 40 minutes on dinner one evening and eat from it for 2 or 3 meals which is a great time and money saver. I still need to figure out exactly which staples I need to be sure to have around, but I think I have most things and I'm slowly building up to the rest. A couple of the recipes I wanted to try required either a deep fryer or dutch oven and I don't have either of those. Not having a fryer is probably a good thing, so I don't think I'll go buy one. I'm not sure about the dutch oven as to how useful they are and if you can make a lot of things using them, I'll have to look into that one.

The productivity doesn't stop there, today I cleaned out Elyse's dresser....she seems to be growing out of clothes so fast! I'm sure there are things she never wore or maybe wore once. Thankfully she's been dressed primarily from hand me downs and I hope to pay that forward to another baby girl someday. I'm also tackling the cabinets beneath my bathroom sink. I need to stop hoarding hotel toiletry samples and hair products that I've held onto for years and years but found I didn't need them. I just have such a hard time throwing stuff like that out. I better get to it though.

Boy did we ever have a busy weekend. I love weekends like that. Busy with fun almost doesn't feel like "busy" until you come to a stop. Matt and I had booked our baby sitter weeks ago for Friday night because it was our usual small group get together, but after the trying week with Elyse we decided to be selfish and take that night for ourselves. We went to dinner at P.F. Chang's and ended up meeting up with 2 other couples for a little while. It was so nice to get out like that.

On Saturday some of Matt's family came over from the east coast of Florida to spend the day so we all had a BBQ at Mark and Kathy's. It was so much fun to see everyone and some of them we hadn't seen in about a year. Elyse quickly became overwhelmed by so many people and sort of went into panic mode. She's funny like that. She LOVES to be around action, she just doesn't want the action to be around or about her. I set her in her little chair with some toys off to the side and she just had the best time. She played quietly to herself and would look around at all the commotion and all of the people, but if too many people surrounded her she would get scared. It's so amazing to be witnessing aspects of her personality unfold. The other thing I've noticed about her is how gentle she is. When I watch other babies her age play with toys they tend to grab and bang them and she just doesn't really do that. She will turn her hand upside down and gently "cup" toys with her hands, almost as though she's trying to create a soft place for a bubble to land. Her movements are careful and intentional. Don't get me wrong, she does occasionally get excited and bang on things, just not as often.

Sunday we went out to lunch with our small group and made it home in time to watch the Bucs finally win a game. Matt and I relaxed on the couch while Elyse napped. It was a wonderful way to end the weekend. I'm a little disappointed in myself though, I took my camera to all of the different things we did and never snapped one picture. I do that a lot. I remember to bring it, but forget to use it. I need to get better at that.

Now that it's Monday the house needs tending to and laundry needs completing, but I didn't sleep well last night so I may procrastinate the chores until tomorrow. Elyse must be feeling the exhaustion too because she is a napping champ today. I love it when things like that work out. I'm tired and she's napping wonderfully. I'm feeling lazy and there isn't anything that absolutely must be done today. I think I'll declare this as my day "off". That's one of the many blessings of staying home.....there's always tomorrow, so no need to stress over it today. I don't ever let that frame of mind become a habit, but today I'm grateful for it.

Rough but rewarding

I haven't been blogging much recently and the blogging I've done has been more "surface" because my mind and heart have been very pre-occupied with this whole "parenting" thing. It's been a very rough week or two with Elyse. This was something we actually sort of brought on ourselves, but Matt and I both believe it's what needed to be done and I just had to endure it this week. I think it was our first test of many where we needed to make a decision and firmly stick with it regardless of how hard it was. We were having pretty significant sleep issues with Elyse. It was taking forever to get her to go to sleep at bedtime or for naps because she would fight it and would wake up if her paci fell out. Then it started affecting us in the middle of the night as well. I was getting up 5 or 6 times, sometimes more, just to give her the paci back so she would go back to sleep. We both felt like we were the "paci police" getting up over and over to retrieve it to get her to go to and stay asleep. We were all enslaved to the paci and Elyse's inability to sleep without it. I was becoming over-tired and she wasn't getting the sleep she needed either, no one was. She didn't need to eat, didn't need me, she was just hung up on the paci. It had become a joke in our house that we needed 3 hours to watch a 2 hour movie because we knew we would be interrupted so many times over this issue.

I brought this up at her 4 month visit and after a clean bill of health ruling out any other issues she could be waking for, her pediatrician highly recommended we begin sleep training Elyse because she felt she was entirely to pacifier dependent. I've been told over and over that the longer we wait the worse it will be, so sleep training we began. That basically means we do our nap/bedtime routine of rocking, cuddling, reading a book, etc, and then she gets put to bed, fed, safe, and secure, and that's it, we don't go back in. As you can imagine it's absolutely heartbreaking because at first she would cry for what would seem like hours (but was actually only 20 minutes, which is still an eternity for my maternal heart). I would lay on the floor of her room where she couldn't see me and just cry. I would whisper to her in my mind promising her I was right there, that mommy didn't leave her, but that she just needed to learn to fall asleep. It went on and on like this for days, for every single nap, for every bedtime. She was crying, I was crying, and I felt horrible. I doubted myself over and over if it was the right thing to do. How can a good mother ignore her child's cries? But that was just it, she didn't need her mommy, she didn't need her daddy, she needed to sleep. Matt had to remind me over and over that she isn't missing us, she was just in a panic over why that soothing piece of plastic wasn't magically finding it's way back to her mouth. His constant reassurance was so crucial for me and he was a tremendous help through this.

I prayed and prayed for God's confirmation in our decision and for confidence to carry it out because I knew consistency was key. I knew she HAD to learn this or it would be a much harder battle down the road. I felt confident that we were helping her learn the skill of self-soothing and just because it wasn't easy didn't mean it wasn't right. It won't be easy the first time we spank her, but she will get spanked. It isn't easy when she fights being strapped down in her car seat, but she must stay buckled. Like I said, I'm sure it was the first of many battle's we will have with Elyse, but we are her parents and things like bedtime and car seats are non-negotiable. I just had no idea we'd be battling so soon, but it's amazing how fast this sweet baby started expressing her will and testing limits. Responding to this is what we needed to do and knowing that we did it adds so much more confidence to me as a mother. Matt was such wonderful support and was 100% with me on it which helped so much, but he was at work for almost all of it, so it was hard doing it alone. A week or so later, I truly believe it's working. She is finally just "talking" herself to sleep and guess what....no more getting up in the middle of the night!!! She can put herself back to sleep on her own. It's by no means perfect (the time change and her wanting to drop her 4th nap didn't make it any easier) and there are still times she fusses, but nothing like what it was before.

At first I felt like this was our dirty, dark secret that we let our baby cry. I was ashamed and doubtful and the harder she cried, the worse I felt and I didn't want anyone to know. Now that I truly believe we did the right thing I feel comfortable sharing. I'm so proud of my precious little girl, but more importantly, I'm proud of myself and Matt. I know we handled it in the best way for our family. We handled it quickly, firmly, consistently, and together.....I feel like those are the makings of some pretty good parenting skills for later on. I just hope we have a little reprieve before we are faced with the next obstacle.

Grocery helper

Since Elyse holds her head up so well she absolutely loves to take in the world around her from a more upright position. That along with rolling over has caused her to fight being confined in her car seat, and fight she does. When I look at her in the mirror she is trying with all her might to arch right out of it. If it wasn't for the screaming I would almost think it was cute. The fussing makes for anxious driving but alas, she will have to get used to this, car seats are not negotiable try as she may. However, I adapt to her new interest in the world where I can by wearing her in our Baby Bjorn carrier facing out. She loves it. Shopping is fascinating to her now and she loves all the people who come coo and talk to her. It has it's downfalls though, it's hard to bend and get things from lower shelves and it made it very hard to load our pumpkin into our cart. When I went grocery shopping on Monday I was reaching for something on the highest shelf and I heard all these pasta boxes falling below me. My little Elyse was clearing off the shelf. I know when she's older I'll have to avoid encouraging things like this by laughing, but that day at that moment it was hysterically cute. She changes by the day, I almost can't keep up. I just love that sweet little girl.

A few pictures

Here's Elyse and Matt before her 4 month check up at the doctor.

This is Matt, Elyse, and me with the cake our small group got Matt for his birthday. It looks like Elyse will either love cake or be a pyromaniac.

Yes, mommy stuffed her in a pumpkin several times trying to get a cute memorable shot for her first fall. She may not fit in one next year, or more importantly won't let me stuff her in one, so I took advantage of it. She did pretty well with it......

......at first. I think being outside in the sticky goo scared her more than anything. I scooped her right out and loved all over her. If she ever has a fear of pumpkins later in life, we'll know why.

My mom got her this little ensemble, and of course, she's grabbing her feet.

The mean mom that I am tried her in the pumpkin again, but this time I did it inside and that seemed to go over much better with her.

Here she is in the Bumbo in some festive pj's and socks.



A friend of ours gave us these ladybug pj's and we used that as her costume. I wanted to dress her as a little lamb, but ended up not seeing the point in spending the money on something like that, so a ladybug she was. She was asleep before the first trick or treater ever came to the door which made me especially glad that I didn't bother with a fancy costume.

Unsure

This is Elyse's "unsure" face.

I want to tuck this away in my memory bank and save it.....

I was just using the little hand held vacuum to clean up some crumbs near Elyse. I don't think I've ever used that vacuum so close to her and you could tell she was unsure of the contraption making such loud noises. She glanced quickly at the vacuum and then stared intently at me. I could tell by her expression that since she didn't know what to make of it, she was relying on my response to make an assessment. I just smiled at her and spoke in a soothing voice as I continued to vacuum right next to her. She stared a little longer and as I continued to reassure her she slowly smiled as well. I love that. I love the innocent trust she places in me. Some things she knows she likes, some things she knows she doesn't, and she will tell you. It's all those things still left out there that are yet to be discovered and she relies on me to help filter those for her. I know it's somewhat short lived, but oh so sweet. I hope I make a good filter.

I've had this saved for awhile now and just haven't posted it. It seemed a little too personal and wasn't sure if it was something meant to be shared openly. I love stumbling upon verses that help me through things like this, and just maybe someone else could use the verse too. I'll post the one I found today at the bottom.

Planet Mom and Planet Me......that is the theme of Harborside MOPS this year. The goal is to help women bridge the gap, or rather separate the two areas of self and mommy-hood. Although I am a mom, I am still me....make sense? Anyway, last MOPS meeting caused me to think. One of the questions I was asked was where I got my affirmations from before I was a mom and where I get my affirmations now, and that really got my wheels turning. I'm someone who thrives on affirmation. I often doubt myself tremendously and have a lot of insecurities so affirmation means a lot to me. Matt pointed out that he thinks that's part of the reason I enjoy blogging so much. I can write all day long. I enjoy it and I find it therapeutic. I can be open, honest, and sometimes bold. I don't have many reservations when I write and my insecurities vanish because it's just me and the computer screen. But when I'm face to face with someone or on the phone I'm often tongue tied and have a hard time trying to think of what I want to say, if it's the right thing to say, how it will sound, if it's worth saying, and if I can handle it being criticized if it's not. With all that going through my mind I often keep quiet or feel like I didn't truly express what my heart wanted to say. I've been complimented several times by different people on my blogging and it made me feel good that even just one person gets something out of things I write every now and then. I express myself better when I write than when I speak and I didn't realize that until Matt pointed it out. I'm not sure what that means, if anything, but it's interesting none the less. Wow....I got side-tracked with that thought....back to affirmations, how I need them, and where I get them.



I used to serve. I used to look at the care I gave NICU babies and their parents as service. I wasn't always chipper and I was far from perfect, but I tried to always give it my best. Those parents never chose me or the NICU as part of their birth plan but they didn't have much choice but to trust me with their child and I never took that lightly. I was often able to experience and see the fruition of days, weeks, or months that babies and their parents had to spend there and I got affirmation through that. I loved the feedback, cards, emails, pictures, etc that I would get.......mostly I loved the hugs and emotion filled "thank yous". It made me feel wonderful and it was truly such an honor to be part of such a milestone in so many people's lives. I may not have led anyone in the salvation prayer or invited them all to church but I knew I was serving. I was 17 when I knew I was called to help babies. After working in the NICU for several years that calling took on new form. I came to realize that if I wanted to help babies, the best thing I could do for them was help their parents and I was led into the pregnancy crisis ministry. My previously earned RN license allowed me to assist with sonograms to show abortion minded women the miracle being fearfully and wonderfully made just beneath their skin. If I didn't pray with them, I prayed for them. I was allowed to talk about God there, pour out scripture, and offer my testimony. One on one in the confines of a small room women, some mere girls, would pour their hearts out. Greatest fears, wildest dreams, tear streaked cheeks longing for something to put hope in. Some wanted to talk for hours, others hardly said a word, but none left there without hearing about the love, hope, and promise of a savior. Some would comment on how safe it felt there, how secure, how there was just something different within those 4 walls. They felt listened to, heard for the very first time, and I like to think what they often felt was love, God's love. There wasn't always a happy ending and not everyone was receptive, but undeniably lives were changed and babies were saved. It was such an honor to see God work through that ministry and I felt so thankful to have been a part of it. I miss it. I miss it a lot.


That's where I got my affirmation. I felt purposeful, productive, and impactful, now I don't have that. Yes I serve my husband and my daughter, but it's not the same to me. Thinking of planet me and planet mom once again resurfaced how much I miss it. Can I derive enough affirmation and satisfaction in staying at home? In even wondering that, am I too concerned about me and not what really matters? Do I just need more time to adjust to such a drastic change in the way I'm serving, because after all, Who I'm serving hasn't changed? Am I discounting what I do at home or am I using it as an excuse not to try harder to find a way to do both?



I sought out a sitter to watch Elyse every other Monday evening for a few hours so I could still put some time in at the center and each over turned stone was empty underneath. However, I have not exhausted every resource and I'm sure if I truly wanted to MAKE it happen, I could. I was hoping that it would fall into place on it's own and since it hasn't I'm not quite sure what to do. The more I pray about it I'm getting the feeling that I'm not supposed to go back yet. I'm sensing that this time away is being used to refine me, search me, stretch me, and eventually lead me. In my time away and with the other changes in our lives I've let areas slide and my spiritual life has suffered. I've been ashamed by convictions and instead of repenting, surrendering, and finding comfort under the umbrella of grace I've allowed distance to inch it's way in and now I'm staring at a canyon of space before me. I've felt the separation and somehow I thought that ministry would help close the gap, and although faith without works is dead, I'm nothing without maintaining my connection with Him. I just blogged about this not too long ago and obviously I'm not getting it. I missing some major point. Just like with my cooking, I can't expect an apple orchard right now when I know I've been setting a grain of rice just beneath dry sand. I owe this area of my life so much more and it's time to get serious about it.



Elyse's first nap comes fast and early and is almost always 45 minutes. I do various things during this nap, but nothing that can't wait until later. I'm deciding right now that time no longer belongs to me. No more reasons, no more excuses, no more putting it off. Ask me about it, stay on me about it, keep me in check, support me, and hold me accountable.......pretty please.


"There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good." (1 Corinthians 12:4-7)

I likely have other gifts and other ways to serve. I need to be hung up less on what I used to do and more concerned with what He wants me to be doing now. My affirmation needs to come from knowing that I give my daily life to Him, that I involve Him in decisions large and small, and consult Him when I'm uncertain what to do or doubting what I've done. I feel more affirmed already!

Ammo

I read this today and it spoke to me....."O believer, when, under great temptation, you fear that you shall one day fall by the hand of the enemy, let this reassure you. You will never lose your spiritual life, for it is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3).
It made me think of a fear that would creep up from time to time. I haven't had this fear in awhile, but now I feel like I have the perfect armor to go against it should it ever creep up again.....that feels good.
I don’t doubt the immortality of my God; therefore, I should never question this for myself, since I am one with Him. My life is His life, and of that I can be sure, so I rest in my living Lord.

Friday: cleaned house, small group
Saturday: successful bargain shopping all day
Sunday: worked 12 hours
Monday: doctor's appointment, laundry, grocery store
Right now.....tired and hoping for a good night's rest.

Elyse's 4 month check up went well as usual. She weighed 11 pounds 11 ounces (29%) and was 24 inches long (80%). After a thorough assessment by the pediatrician we were so thrilled to hear that she is developmentally 2 months ahead of schedule. She rolls over from front to back and back to front now so she has taken to sleeping on her stomach which makes me a little nervous. Each new milestone she reaches is bitter-sweet. It's so amazing to see her change, grow, thrive, and discover new things, but at the same time I want each sweet thing she does to last just a little longer. I take pride in seeing her become more independent and needing me less to fall asleep or seeing that the discovery of her toes is more entertaining than anything I'll ever do. It's rewarding but a little sad too because I know how much I'm going to miss each phase she passes. I watched a video a friend posted of her daughter walking and my eyes welled up with tears......it will be here before I know it and I'm just not ready. Thankfully I don't have to be just yet.

Consistent

The only thing consistent about me is my inconsistency. I have days I feel on top of the world and days I feel like the world wouldn't even know I got out of bed.

Do you ever feel like if you exercise and eat healthy for one day that you feel incredible and you look better? If you are lazy for one day and eat bad, you feel like a slob who gained 5 pounds? I do.

Wednesday I jogged 4 miles, got a lot of housework done, ate well, and felt incredible. I felt lean, healthy, and productive. Thursday I didn't do anything very active and ate out for lunch and dinner. I felt yucky by the end of the day.

If I devote specific time for reading my bible and praying I feel wonderful. I unlock and enjoy the open line of communication and the love that He has available to pour out just for me. If I don't do this, I feel distant, lost, and doubtful of decisions I'm making.

I don't consistently exercise like I should. I don't consistently eat right like I should. I don't consistently spend time in devotion like I should. I can feel it when I do and I feel it when I don't. I don't like how I feel when I don't and neglected long enough, all those areas snowball.

I want to be more consistent, I need to be more consistent, I am going to be more consistent.

Here's a story just for giggles......I was about to leave to go meet the girls for lunch when I walked into the garage to grab something. The door was blown shut by the wind and I was locked out. I don't know why the door was locked on the inside, but at that point it didn't matter. No keys, no phone, no nothing....thankfully I happened to be holding Elyse so she wasn't locked inside, that would have been really bad. I had to think fast and quickly tossed Elyse in the stroller and started booking it in my flip flops toward the next neighborhood over where I knew one of my friends would be leaving for lunch. I saw her pulling out of her neighborhood and I was still pretty far away so I started hysterically waving my hands in the air and thankfully she saw me. She had an extra car seat so I put Elyse in that and went to lunch until I could figure out what to do. Long story short I was able to get back in without Matt having to leave work and for that I'm thankful. What a day.

Last night was Bunco with a group of old friends. I didn't win anything as usual, but it was a lot of fun and Matt had one of the smoothest nights ever with Elyse, so it worked out well all around. He's going to leave work early today so the 3 of us can go visit Oma and I'm very excited about that. I enjoy going to visit Oma, but I enjoy it even more when he gets to leave early.

Chores are calling....better run!

So....I got a new chicken recipe and decided to make it last night. I chopped fresh parsley, marinated the chicken in garlic cloves and other seasonings, browned in olive oil, then baked in the oven. It wasn't very good. It looked pretty and smelled delicious, but tasted like plain old chicken breast to us. I was okay with that. It wasn't me that made the food bad, we just didn't care for the recipe and that was refreshing to realize. It didn't cause me to doubt the limited ability I have or discourage me from trying something else, and I'm glad for that.

Today Elyse and I went for a jog to Publix which is 4 miles round trip and the weather was divine. She enjoyed the stroll and the best part was a sale price combined with coupon on some new mascara made it only $1.....we were both grinning, me over the bargain and her, well, I suppose it was probably gas. After we got home the weather was so nice I decided to wash the car. I hadn't done that in a very long time and although my car is 10 years old, it was nice to see the paint that hadn't chipped shining. I like my car, I like it a lot. It serves us well, seldom causes any trouble, and it's been paid off for years. It's reliable, roomy, comfortable, and ours which are all very good reasons to keep it around for as long as it allows.

Elyse has recently found some new toys.....her ten little toes and it's adorable.

I call the next picture "spiritual"....she has her little hands clasped like she's praying and has this look on her face like "excuse me, you interrupted my prayer". These next pictures are just plain cute. Parenting is hard, exhausting, and trying. Sleep training is tedious, nights still get interrupted and naps go by all too quickly, but one little glimpse of this precious face and all is forgotten. You wouldn't believe the screams that sweet little face is capable of.

Reminded

After my post the other day about cooking a memory surfaced. I truly believe that is one of the ways God comforts, guides, and convicts me and this was no exception. Shortly after I posted the entry I was out running errands still feeling pretty down about the whole thing. While I was driving I was reminded of a dinner from years ago. The woman hosting and cooking the main course was a wonderful cook and I wanted nothing more than to impress her and the rest of her family with my cooking skills, but it was no secret that I had no skills. When I asked her what I could bring you could tell by her hesitant response that she didn't even know what a "safe" side dish for me was. She politely asked me to bring baked beans and I was up for the challenge. I googled baked bean recipes, just heating up a jar wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to dress up those beans and impress everyone. My beans were going to be a hit, I was determined! I got my ingredients together and followed the directions to a tee. I placed them confidently in the oven and waited for my masterpiece. When the timer went off I anxiously opened the oven door and pulled out my big pan of beans. They were a burnt, black mess. They looked disgusting and it nearly took a chisel to get them out of the pan. I ended up soaking the pan for days just to get the remnants of my disastrous mess cleaned away. I had no side dish. I was so upset. No one complained, nor do I think they were surprised, and everyone was polite about it. It went down as a "cute", funny cooking story but it bothered me for a long time. It bothered me, but I didn't let it stop me from trying. I may not be a master chef but I'm better then the Amelia Bedelia I was back then. In fact, I'll toot my own horn here and venture to say I'm leaps and bounds from where I was then and I need to remember that. I've decided to attempt at least one recipe a week that would have previously been much too intimidating for me to try it......starting next week though of course ;) (I already went grocery shopping for this week).

I was so thankful for that memory that night and I think I do that to myself with a lot of things. I want to be better at so many things and I want it now. I forget how long things take, how much work, dedication, and practice so many areas of life require. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, and even in the kitchen.....I harvest what I plant. I can't put a grain of rice in the ground and expect an apple orchard to miraculously pop up.

I'm so thankful for His comfort and His teaching.