Have you ever read one of those forwards or heard someone say to live today like it's your last? Wear your fancy, special occasion perfume or eat a boring weeknight dinner on your good china? Well, I don't have fancy perfume or own any good china but last night as I was setting the table I looked at my fall centerpiece. It's nothing special and it's just a simple one on our kitchenette table but I've had the pumpkin candle for years and I've never lit it. I don't know why, I just haven't. I light candles quite often in the house but not the seasonal decor ones. Last night I lit my little pumpkin and I liked it. I enjoyed his subtle warm glow from his orange little pot while we ate meatloaf and mashed potatoes on a Wednesday. It was nice.

Vacation summer skies series

Good morning color palette.


Sky blue.

This picture and the next one made me think of those inspirational posters you see in offices or schools. I love how illuminated the water is just beneath the sun. It was so bright in just that one spot. I think it would be neat to turn this into one of those for our house.

A storms a comin' color palette.

The storms here with the rain in the distance. We even lucked out and got to witness a lightning storm on our last night there. I didn't take any pictures but there is just something so beautifully powerful about storms like that.

Florida sunsets.

We're home

and tired. Very, very tired. As relaxing as it is, a week in the sun, sand, and water will wear you out. Matt and Elyse are napping now and I'm trying to get some unpacking done. One thing I'm especially thankful for is that we came home with no dirty laundry. Thanks to a washer and dryer right in our condo I was able to keep up with it all week so unpacking will only mean putting away.

We had a great week. Time with each other, time with friends, time with family. We even snuck in a date night followed by a late night walk on the beach. There are sweet stories and happy memories that I'm just too exhausted to go into right now but hopefully I will at some point and if not, we still have them for ourselves. I'll post a few quick pictures for now and then take more time to edit and post some more later (I hope).

She loved discovering her shadow and also chasing the birds.

One morning Matt let me sleep in and he took Elyse down to the beach for a little walk. I woke up, walked out onto the balcony and saw this. They looked so sweet but oh so small next to something so vast, huge and mysterious as the ocean.Elyse's first time out on a boat was last Saturday and she did great! Rone and Kristin along with their 9 month old daughter Rylan took us out for the day. This picture was taken when we all went on a little sunset cruise that evening.

That's good for now. :)

It is becoming increasingly aware to me that I struggle greatly with esteem and confidence. A few close friends have separately pointed it out and since then I've noticed it in more and more areas of my life. I'm not talking only about looks and superficial confidence, but an overall confidence of everything about me. I've begun to notice how "needy" I am for affirmation, and not in an "oh that's normal we all need it" sort of way, but in an "I crumble inside without it" sort of way.



I'll give a few examples.



My parenting books. One of my friends said she think it's great that I want to prepare and learn as much as I can about raising children but that finishing 7 books with more to follow seemed like a bit excessive. She asked what it was I thought I would find or what would I need to read to feel like it was enough. That really got me thinking. My only honest answer was perhaps I would be content when I felt confident how I'm parenting. To be boldly honest it has almost become it's own addiction. A new trait, problem, or situation arises with Elyse and I thumb through book after book like some sort of junkie looking for a fix, okay, maybe that's a little extreme but you get the idea.



Open discussion at small group when I feel like I want to share, where I truly think I have input worthy of giving. I begin my story or point and in my mind I begin to stutter. Not physically, but mentally. I'm not nervous, I'm not shy and I'm a very open person so it has nothing to do with that, I just think I sound ridiculous. Once I start the sentence and get waist deep in it I often start back pedaling and apologize for not sounding like I should, for not getting the thoughts out the way I wanted or perhaps for realizing it was a thought I should have kept to myself. Then I'm embarrassed. You would probably think that would keep me from sharing ever again or at least at that particular meeting, but oh no, it doesn't. Another thought will come, I'll get up the courage to open my mouth and it happens all over again. In my mind I feel like if you watch me it's like seeing a train wreck happen over and over. Thankfully our group is very gracious and this doesn't seem to bother them. They allow me to be a blubbering mess and seem so love me for it anyway.



This recent haircut. I loved it at first but it wasn't as short as I originally wanted to go but because I got nervous I stopped. I loved it at first. Within a week or so it appeared more and more that the length was just awkward. It had no style, it was just a blunt, 3rd grader haircut. I asked a couple of friends and they said maybe you should go for the cut you wanted, which was a more pronounced A-line angle with some layers. I figured, hey, why not? I've already lost 10 inches what's another little trim. I don't want to have lost all that hair for nothing and I want a style, I'm going for it! My hairdresser squeezed me in and gave me some "style" free of charge. I didn't realize how much more hair this "style" would cost me. She gave me the look I wanted, no doubt, but I quickly realized it wasn't the look for me. It was too short. Way too short and now it's gone. I know that sounds dramatic, but for me it was. I think I lost something like 12 inches total.



My first thought was that I wasn't going to tell Matt I did it (he tends to prefer longer hair). I was going to wait and see if he noticed but as the evening went on I realized there was no way he wouldn't notice. I looked like a boy. I tried to put a hat on, tried to pull it back. Nothing helped. I began to cry. I sobbed. One of my prayers has always been that Matt and I only have eyes for each other, but why would he want to look at me now? I felt completely inadequate. I just wanted my hair back. I wanted to go back to the very first cut and request my usual boring trim. Walking through Target this morning I felt ashamed. If people tried to make eye contact I would quickly look to the ground, I just knew they were wondering why in the world someone would ever to do that to themselves. Again, I realize how silly and dramatic this sounds. It's just hair. It grows back. I am beautiful in my husbands eyes regardless. This story turns out fine and it's growing on me (although I wish my hair would grow faster than the idea of liking my short hair) but the point is, something like this shouldn't have had the ability to crumble me like that and I'm disappointed in myself that it did. Ugh, here I am getting down on myself about getting down.



This is a serious issue that has surfaced and one I must gain control of. I guess I've always been a little intimidated to even be confident because I feel like the line between confidence and arrogance is pretty thin so I'd rather steer clear of it entirely.



At the retreat I attended a session called "Becoming Confident by Believing God" which further pointed out the desperate need for reconstruction this area of my life was in. One of the things the speaker pointed out was that we are all God's creation and when we come down so hard on ourselves we are discounting/discrediting/disrespecting (I can't exactly remember which what word she used) Him. Ouch.....by being hard on myself am I in turn being hard on God? She went on to say that poor-self image causes us to operate in fear (for me it was parenting, speaking, image fears) instead of faith and we look at what is wrong with us instead of what is right with Jesus.

Fear:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Is this really what I'm doing? Accepting false evidence as true?



Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139: 23-24)



I'm going to go ahead and post this although it's probably a bit premature. I would rather be posting with a great, victorious story of redemption but I have a feeling since I struggle so greatly with this that it, like many things, is something that will be a work in progress for my entire life.

While I was at the retreat last weekend Matt sent me a text message that he had booked a condo on the beach for us after his work deadline passes. It took little to no planning and was somewhat spontaneous but also gave just enough of a heads up to give us something very good to look forward to. Beach vacations are nice. We don't have to drive far but yet we feel very far from home. It's always a slow paced vacation with meals on balconies, toes in sand, and thought provoking sunsets. We don't make plans, we don't stick to schedules. We don't even usually wear watches or monitor clocks. We rest and we're together. We will spend 8 nights this time.....I think it will be a very good thing for all of us. The yucky part......packing. I better get to it.

I'm feeling the need to purge now. That didn't last long ;).

Sometimes we just need rest. I know I do. The two months leading up to September 15th are challenging in the Borrack house. Matt is a luxury during that time, a rare gift on sparse occasions. Life goes on. I support him however I can and to the best of my abilities. It isn't perfect, it isn't pretty, but it's what we do. I'm still adjusting and still learning how to do this and what doing this well looks like for us.

I was trying my best not to feel twinges of jealousy as cars carrying fathers pulled into the neighborhood in time for dinner. I told myself I was glad not to have to cook as I microwaved another frozen dinner. I casually smiled as person after person said, "I don't know how you do it." My face wore a grin but my heart whispered, "neither do I". I buckle my boot straps and care for our house and our child like any mother would. It isn't the housework, errands, or chores that get to me. I have no problem with my workload. I just miss my husband. I miss seeing him with Elyse. That's what gets to me. It's hard to see him work so hard for such long hours for such an extended period of time. He handles it very well, much better than I would. I admire his ability to carry the stress, handle the weight, and stick to the task at hand. He keeps the end in sight and never lets the baggage of work touch the floor of our home. It's amazing actually, but he's tired. He won't say it because he isn't one to complain, but he is.

Anytime I began to throw a little pity party for myself I thought of him. He is the one working the long hours and being kept from his home, his wife and his child. Then I thought about the families who have husbands over seas or those whose spouses have passed away. Then I thought of those who didn't have husbands or families at all or had ones they wish would not come home at all. Scenario after scenario reminded me of how fortunate I still am. It hit me hard, so many others have it far worse. I counted my blessings and denied my struggles.

One of the first songs we sang at the retreat was the one I'm posting below. I had never heard it before and it took me a verse or two to get into it but once I surrendered and accepted the rest, the love that was being offered to me......oh my, overwhelmed is an understatement. It's what my soul was seeking but my mind was so out of touch that I didn't even realize it was what I needed. For that song, with tear streaked cheeks, I allowed myself to be intimate with God. I sat at His feet, I drank from His cup, I laid back against him and breathed. I rested. I absorbed. I admitted I didn't have it altogether and so what if other people have it worse, right now I'm hurting and I need you God. I surrendered. In all this time on my own I needed His presence more than I realized and there it was. I've been trying to do this alone for way too long. There will always be situations that are seemingly better or worse but that doesn't change that I have to remain reliant on the source that is constantly overflowing and unchanging. It is a river I must plant myself beside and search for water nowhere else. Without it I may deny that I am thirsty but I will still grow parched, my leaves will wither and my stature will wilt which is probably why He leads me beside still waters.

I'm done purging, for now at least.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:4

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. Psalm 16:1

Lyrics don't do it justice. Here is the link to it on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4BAoVe8Y8w&NR=1

"The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe :

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you.

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace...

Retreat

The retreat was great. Wonderful. Amazing. We laughed, cried, relaxed and talked....a lot. The talking was probably my favorite part. I needed this weekend. I needed it bad and I'm so thankful I was able to go. Here are my 2 roomies for the weekend.

I couldn't have asked for more in them. They are both such good listeners and truly give honest and valuable advice. I've known them both for over 2 years but I know them better now, deeper and more intimately. I have a new appreciation for their perspectives and thoughts and I'm so thankful they have been brought into my life.

Here is the beach where we stayed. The feeling of the warmth of the sun against my skin is a sensation I never grow tired of and I enjoyed hours of it.

Upon arrival they gave us each one of these bags from Uganda. One of the missions this church supports is helping Ugandan villages become self-sufficient so the purchase of these bags helped one village in a big way. Matt calls it my "cow bag" because when they first handed them out and they were all in one room, it smelled like cattle to me. I guess it goes to show they are probably authentic.

There were a total of 420 women at the retreat and I loved that. Sometimes we filled an entire convention space, other times we were broken into smaller break out sessions with 3o or so people. Yet other times it was a small gathering of 7 "sisters" for the weekend where we were matched with another room and given some questions that really got things moving. Even yet still it was sometimes just the 3 of us in the security of our room where we had the comfort to bare all both physically and emotionally.

I wish I could go into the details of the ways I was refreshed, loved and spoken to but I don't feel the need right now. I got back on Saturday and I've waited for the feeling that comes when I need to purge onto this blog. It didn't happen which tells me that perhaps this was meant for me and me alone. Even as I type this and sit and I think, I honestly don't believe I have the words to describe it anyway.

I will mention something that was a big eye opener for me though. There were numerous sessions on various topics to choose from and one of the ones I was really looking forward to going to was a parenting session. Matt often jokes that my night stand needs a card catalog for the amount of books that rest there at any given time. To date I have read something like 7 parenting books cover to cover. It was just a few minutes before the session was to begin and at the last second one of my new "sisters" came up to me and said, "Are you going to the Biblical Wife session?" I told her where I was planning on going and she said, "Perhaps you should come to the "wife" one, our relationship with our husband is more important than even that of our children." Immediately I pictured all of my books and the things I'm continually seeking in regard to being a mother. Not that any of that in and of itself is wrong, but I've allowed my title of wife to take a back burner when I always promised myself that we would be husband and wife first, before anything else. It was a great eye opener and the Biblical Wife session turned out to be perfect for me.

A HUGE thank you to my mom for making this weekend possible! Matt had to work the entire time, sun up to sun down, so without her I could not have gone.

This picture is just because she's cute and now likes spaghetti.

I'm packing my for girls weekend ladies retreat right now. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!!! I'm looking forward to fun, fellowship, growing and learning, praising, and of course the sun and the sand! This retreat has snuck up on me and it wasn't a definite until recently because of Matt's schedule at work and coordinating child care. It all came together and I leave in a few hours. My excitement is high but for some reason my expectations are low, maybe it's because I don't know what to expect. Maybe it will be like one long conference in a room with no windows where I long to see the light of day. I went to a seminar for work similar to that a couple of years ago. It was at this great location on the beach (have I ever mentioned how much I love the beach). The room had huge windows with amazing views and it was such a tease to stare at it all day without being able to hear, smell, or touch it. Maybe this will be like that but I doubt it.

I'll be honest though, I wanted to go to this as more of a girl time vacation than the actual "church" side of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually rather excited about the session topics this time than I have been at retreats past. However, I knew the affiliation with the church aspect would grant me a more welcome green light from those I would need help from because, as one of the other girls who is going said, "Who can say no to God? Of course out husbands will help make sure we can go." She was right. Because of this fact I think I will be surprised at how much this retreat moves/speaks/impacts me because God seems to do that with things like this and I'm thankful for that.


Time to get back to packing!

What a weekend!

Well, I finally did something completely spontaneously and totally for me. I went to a "usual" hair appointment on Friday where every 3 months I get a nice trim. This particular day I said cut it all off. I got a little scared so we went more conservative but a total of 10 inches was left on the floor. It was so spontaneous and I was so nervous that my hairdresser didn't take a before and after picture but I wish I'd had one because it was SO much hair! Once styled I immediately loved it! Matt and I went out to dinner that night and I felt like a new person. The next day I had some minor regrets when I couldn't just clip it all up and go about my morning but I'm learning to work with it. Here is an after picture from my cell phone in the salon.

Saturday we stopped by Matt's office and we were planning on eating lunch downtown before Elyse's nap. We stopped at 2 different places. One didn't have any more high chairs and the other only had valet parking. Somehow in the process Elyse fell asleep in the car so we decided to take a drive to eat a later lunch at the beach. We somehow randomly ended up in Sand Key and our detour landed us at the Columbia on the water there. I hadn't been there in years and it was SO good and had such a great view. We went across the way to Sand Key Park when we were done and used the remainder of someones parking meter to dip our toes in the sand and let Elyse play in the waves before heading home. We loved our little detour.

Sunday Matt worked pretty much the entire day. Elyse and I went solo to church and later to a cook-out in the neighborhood where Matt finally joined us that evening, poor thing. Monday we went to Honeymoon Island (I had never been there) for a couple of hours before heading home to get ready for a cook-out with our small group at our house. Pineapple chicken, squash casserole, blue cheese salad, watermelon, roasted red potatoes, apple pie......it was quite the delicious spread! Exhausted we put in our weekend movie only to discover we had already seen this one. I really wish Netflix somehow marked what movies you had already borrowed through them to avoid that in the future because it has happened several times to us. I should probably suggest that to them.

Elyse is taking a wonderfully long nap this morning before we run some errands. I absolutely love that it is Tuesday already and I am fortunate to have a short week because 2 of the other wives from small group and I are going to a ladies retreat at the Sheraton Sand Key Thursday through Saturday. We are VERY excited! On a side note, Elyse has been officially weaned for a little over 2 weeks now. We made it 14 months and it was bitter-sweet to have it end but I'm looking forward to not having to bring my pump to this retreat!

I get to

I'm going to bring up my gym class instructor again. For whatever reason she has been instrumental in my motivation lately and quite the encourager to me that she doesn't even realize she is. I should probably tell her. People like things like that, I'm one of those people too.

Anyway, as she was kicking our butts again this morning and having us run sprints followed by push-ups we started to drag a little. Her class is hard, very hard. It's called "Extreme Fitness" if that tells you anything. As we were running she simply said, "You don't HAVE to run, you GET to run!" It hit me immediately how true that statement was. My body, my life, my mind, my heart are gifts that I get to do things with. I took that statement the rest of the day and inserted get to instead of have to while vacuuming, mopping, doing laundry, caring for Elyse....you get the idea. Anyway, it's pretty amazing how much my thoughts on mundane tasks changed when I thought of them as a privilege, a gift, instead of something I had to do.