He went before us

Matt and I had a concern. A concern regarding Elyse's care that before she was born we weren't 100% sure how we ultimately wanted to handle it. Now that we're more experienced, wiser, and a little more comfortable and confident in our role as the ones placed in authority over her we knew not only what we wanted to do, but ultimately what was our responsibility to make happen and this time in particular it went against the grain. I'm not good in positions like this. I like difficult decisions made for me. I like to be a follower not a leader. I like to lean on those I trust and place confidence in but view myself as a shaky shoulder. Parenting is straightening my spine and I'm slowly gaining ground. Although I'm learning to face these things head on, sometimes armed with nothing more than my maternal gut and the Holy Spirit's peace, I still tremble when it comes time to carry things out. The situation was upon us and I prayed that God would go before us (Deuteronomy 1:30) and give patience and understanding to those we were working with. I prayed that before we would even get there the bulk of the work would be done. I prayed for parental confidence and wisdom for how to handle it, even if it meant leaving.

We entered a little apprehensive but firm and united none the less and we left almost baffled at how supported, encouraged, and respected we felt. We breathed a sigh of relief at how smoothly things went and were literally grinning with amazement. "I didn't expect it to go quite like that" Matt said. "Neither did I" I responded. Although surprised, we felt very proud of our firm footing and the mutual respect graciously offered by both parties.

It wasn't until later that it hit me. We prayed for exactly that, very specifically that and it happened precisely that way right down to the responses and reactions. Why didn't we expect it to go that way then? Why were we so surprised? Are my prayers lacking confidence in the great and mighty power of His ability or concern to handle them? I know I pray them whole-heartedly and I know He hears, but do I subconsciously doubt the truth that the most effective parenting tool I have is laying Elyse at the feet of her Creator? No, I don't doubt that for one second but I am guilty of not offering up silent praises and prayers of thanks right there in that room. I'm guilty of not realizing it until later but I was obedient to what I felt led to do and He handled the rest. He had my tiny little family of 3 clasped gently in His palm and He went before us just like we asked. How awesome is that.

This picture doesn't have much to do with the story but it's just such a sweet picture of her face. A face that has no choice but to trust. A face that has no say in what happens and is completely reliant and dependent on the big and little decisions that are made numerous times a day. For some reason that trust and innocence seems magnified in this picture, minus the cereal of course......no, wait, not minus the cereal. The cereal is just another representation of that trust. What and how I nourish her, she just takes it. Like a little sponge she soaks in whatever she's given and the one nourishment she needs more than any other is the Bread of Life and it's my job to lead her in that as well. Oh how that sweet little face has no clue the efforts and great lengths, fears and anxieties, joys and heartache, hopes and dreams that are encountered daily by her parents.

Merry Christmas

I spent Christmas day in the NICU. Yes, I had to work Christmas day this year. Even though I only work twice per month I still have holiday requirements that must be fulfilled and since Elyse has no clue what's going on this year, I chose to work Christmas so I won't have to for the next year or two.



We celebrated at our house Christmas eve and had both sides of our family over. Dinner was delicious and everyone brought something to share so the burden of cooking wasn't weighing heavily on just one person. The turkey was delicious and my first try at dressing in the slow cooker was a success. We ate, mingled, opened presents and everyone went on their merry way. Christmas is changing. Christmas for me has been a slow fade from the magic and anticipation it contained as a child to the point where for a few years it seemed to be sort of missing that spark. My childhood memories are filled with the fragrant aroma of cinnamon rolls with the sounds of Alvin and the Chipmunks singing carols in the background and a quick glance around the room reveals torn colorful paper and empty toy packages while off to the side 3 little girls are playing with their new treasures. Those little girls could hardly sleep the night before and were awake before the sun to see what awaited them. The promise of presents from Santa for being nice instead of naughty prompted good behavior for a few weeks leading up to the big day. There were traditions of tree stars, Christmas lights, and board games. It was simply magic and although Elyse didn't know what was going on, I was much more interested in seeing her reaction to the presents, paper, and excitement that I never even wondered what awaited me under the tree. In all honesty it wouldn't have mattered if there wasn't anything there. I got a few things and they were nice and I probably wouldn't have gotten them for myself, but I truly don't want for anything and I'm thankful to be aware of that truth.

I didn't take nearly enough pictures and none of the ones I took were even all that post-worthy, so I'll make sure to tuck the memories extra snug in my memory bank. It was a wonderful evening and I look forward to the new memories and traditions my own little family will make in the years to come.

On Saturday Matt and I braved the mall as an excuse to get out and do something and possibly find a deal worth bringing home in the midst of all the sales. I was actually hoping to find a "Baby's first Christmas 2009" ornament since Elyse doesn't have one, but we were unable to find one. I'm thinking of making her one myself, that would be more meaningful anyway.

On Sunday we actually missed church. At first I was very disappointed in us, but Matt took care of Elyse all morning and allowed me to sleep in. I slept so late that we would have barely made the service anyway and we would have had to wake Elyse up from a much needed, lengthy morning nap to go. We don't normally do this and since it is a day of rest anyway I think God will be okay with it just this once ;). I felt so much more refreshed all day and I love starting this new week out with a little extra sleep under my belt and I'm definitely going to need it. Once again the house needs cleaning and I have a friend from out of town coming to spend the night with us tomorrow, which I am very excited about. We also have a wedding to go to Thursday evening which should be fun as well.

Today we took Elyse to her 6 month visit with the pediatrician. She weighed in at a petite 12 pounds 6 ounces (23%) and was 25.5" (40%) long. I was a little concerned when I saw her weight because she hadn't doubled her birth weight but our wonderful doctor gave her a superior bill of health and put my concerns to rest. She's just little, always has been and likely always will be. I know my child is healthy and thriving but it still means so much to hear it from someone else, especially a physician we trust and respect.

It seems like there is so much more I could write about but probably nothing worthy of repeating. It was just a nice weekend. It was calm, restful, and filled with time together. I don't have any super exciting pictures or fascinating stories, it was simply nice and amidst all the hurry we needed that.

6 months old!

And sitting up! Not consistently, but she can do it.

Tomorrow Christmas Eve dinner is being held at our house. Once again I've been scurrying around and as I type my house looks like a tornado went through it. Between the scattered baby toys, stacked laundry waiting to be tucked into drawers, and dishes left from cooking and eating dinner it seems to look like that at the end of every day anyway so today is no different really. With a head count of about 16 people that will be here, I don't think I need to spend too much time cleaning because after about an hour in won't look like I ever even did anything to begin with. I just want to enjoy it. This will be my first time cooking the turkey and although I'm a little apprehensive, I'm confident it will turn out no less than acceptable.

I better get wrapping!

Our Christmas card. I may have a hard time topping this one next year because I have a feeling a squirmy toddler won't be such a good sport.

Another busy weekend!

This one seemed even busier than last weekend, but tis' that time of year! This was a very merry busy weekend. Friday night I went to an ornament exchange with about 9 other girls. It was a lot of fun and I came home with this little guy. He is such a Florida ornament, that's why I liked him. I had to "steal" to get him, but he never got taken from me so I was happy.

I made some rice cereal for Elyse this weekend, it was her first time having anything "solid". I paused and reflected for a moment on the fact that absolutely nothing aside from me has nourished her since she was conceived last September. That's over a full year of nothing but mommy and feeding her that first spoonful of something different was a little bitter sweet and another reminder of how fast she changes. We videoed her actually eating, but here's a picture of her in her new space saver high chair with a bib on for the first time. She looked so sinkin' cute!

On Saturday I pampered myself with a hair appointment and came home to prepare for our small group Christmas party that was held at our house. I was proud of myself for making my dish ahead of time and although I was still scurrying around at the last minute to get everything in order before people showed up, it was much more calm than normal because at least the food was taken care of. Last year we had a "sweater" party, this year we did gingerbread houses. There were 5 couples total, one house per couple. One couple had to leave early so we ended up with a little "neighborhood" of 4 gingerbread houses, worthy of the parade of homes in my opinion. I have to admit I was not all that excited to assemble these things. I'm not very creative, crafty, or patient with sticky messes but in the end I must say that it was the most fun I'd had for $10 in a very long time!

Here's our small group (minus Elyse who was asleep already).

The blank pallets awaiting our creative juices.

"Teamwork". Matt was wonderful moral support, but he wasn't very into the decorating aspect, so our house was definitely the most humble of the 4.

I imagine it's how Charlie Brown's would look if he had one. I wasn't very happy with our little house when compared to the others, but that's a good reminder. We had fun making it and I was very pleased until I compared it......life's like that sometimes. Contentment, one of life's most necessary nouns. Our icing is droopy, the deer looks dead, the marshmallow man out front appears to be stumbling into the window and the wreath is crooked.......but out of our "brick" chimney are gum-drop hearts. It is a house full of love. That chimney and those hearts were the first thing we assembled and one of the only parts we did together. I like that. I think it's very symbolic of us. Matt travels often and works long hours while I'm at home taking care of the house, but together we fill it with love. It's the first and most important thing we do.

Here are the 4 houses together in our own little "snow village". I'm still finding coconut snow shaving around my house! Notice the marshmallow deer that just attacked a gingerbread man in the lawn of the bottom right house. Also notice the tree in our yard (bottom left) and compare it to the tree in our yard in the picture before this one. The one in this photo is the tree we really made. The tree was Matt's job and he gave up pretty quickly so for the other picture I borrowed a " neighbor's" tree. To me that is symbolic of our small group, we just help each other out like that. In fact, another "neighbor" felt so sorry for our pitiful little house that he let us use some of his light-up Christmas lights. This is a great group of people to be doing life and gingerbread houses with.

Remember the couple who needed to leave early? Well, we didn't want them to miss all the fun and luckily they lived right up the street, so at 10pm we carried our 4 houses over to their house and left them on their doorstep to greet them the next morning (we knocked on the door that night but they didn't hear it). I felt like a mischievous kid in high school sneaking out and I can only imagine what the cars driving by thought. It was a lot of fun and for a brief moment I forgot how old I was and wondered if it was weird that I enjoyed that so much.

We also did an ornament exchange at this party as well and Matt and I went away with 6 of these little guys, so now our tree is officially full or rodents. Although a little creepy, I'm quite fond of them actually.

On Sunday we went to the later service and then my dad brought over someone special for us to meet. Matt, Elyse, and I enjoyed a late lunch out with my dad and Susan and enjoyed some Oreo Ice Cream dessert afterward at our house. It was a wonderful afternoon and we topped the evening off with a movie under blankets on the couch. One of my favorite parts of the entire weekend is that it was actually cold outside. It made everything we did seem that much more festive and I hope this weather lingers awhile.

This picture is definitely worth 1,000 words

I love this picture for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is because just behind Elyse on the left upper side of the picture is our ornament from last year. Inside the frame is a 12 week ultrasound of Elyse. I didn't take this picture that way intentionally, but when I was looking through them later I noticed it. I'm continually amazed at how fast time seems to go now that I have a child. This time last year I was pregnant, we didn't even know Elyse was a girl yet........now I can hardly remember life before her and I certainly can't fathom life without her. I've been emotional today, it's just been one of those days where I've noticed all of the little things. I've savored little bits and pieces of this day and then got teary eyed knowing that I'll never be able to store these things in my memory bank the way I would like to. There is just no way to store them the way my senses perceive them. I was reading her a bedtime story tonight and lately, instead of watching, grabbing the pages and tearing the paper, she leans back in my lap to where she's almost flat and looks up at me. She just sits quietly and watches my face and my lips as I read the pages. Every now and then she'll grin, but for the most part she just stares. What is she thinking? What is that inquisitive little mind piecing together now? She looks at me with such honesty, trust, and adoration. How do you bottle that feeling? How can I store away the feeling of that moment along with the fresh, fragile, precious, innocent fragrance of her skin and hair from the bath just prior, or seal away the sensation of her pajamaed feet tapping against my leg. Tonight I read just one more book and I began to cry. One of the hardest things about becoming her mother is realizing that there is no way she will ever really understand how much I love her, how deep it goes, and how I will have spent her entire life making sure she knows that. It's impossible for me to think a thought like that and not think about God. I'm His Elyse, but it even goes beyond that because His love is greater than my love, it's pure, perfect, and unfailing. I have a new appreciation and understanding for the love He has for me as His daughter, but even more so the realization of what it would be like to give your child's life. I can only imagine how much that hurt and how hard it must have been. Now that I have my own child, I'm that much more grateful and at least somewhat more aware of the sacrifice it took. While holding Elyse tonight and given the season of Christmas that we're in, I couldn't help but be reminded that Jesus was once a baby just like her. I felt so close to Him tonight, so close that the emotions overwhelmed me and as I type this I almost feel listless, drained perhaps, but in a very good way. His presence surprised me, overtook me, and reminded me of how close He always is, whether I feel it or not.

Whirlwind weekend

This weekend went by so fast, too fast really. Friday night we went out to dinner for the first time with Elyse. Due to her very early bedtime that she just seems to love, we aren't usually able to make it out to eat. We were able to on Friday because Matt got home much earlier than normal so we decided to go to Carraba's. We were leaving the restaurant by 7pm and Elyse was just starting to make it apparent that we had pushed her limits. However, I would definitely call the dinner a success and I'm glad we were able to do it.

I awoke early Saturday morning for a full 12 hours at work. The NICU is once again busy and although I had a full assignment the shift went very well. Matt met me at the hospital around 7:15pm and we drove to a Christmas party hosted by people I used to work with at LRMC. I was beyond a chatter box at the party. I hadn't seem some of them in over 6 months and it was wonderful to catch up. I feel so fortunate to have worked with such an amazing group of people and to still be in contact with them. It's almost sad that it often takes the holidays to get people together like that. We all decided that night that we need to make an effort to do things like that more often, which is very good in theory, but is understandably hard to do. Work schedules, family life, babies, distance.....they all just seem to throw a wrench in the fun stuff ;).

My mom spent the night with us Saturday night and watched Elyse while Matt and I, along with some of his coworkers, went to the Bucs game. We first ate lunch with Matt's dad and cousin before heading to the stadium. The game was a disgrace, but the weather was nice, we had club seats paid for by Matt's firm and the company was wonderful, so all in all it was a very enjoyable time. Once we got home and relieved my mom from baby duty, Matt grilled some steaks and asparagus and baked some potatoes. We enjoyed our dinner with one of Matt's close friends from high school and ended the evening very low key with good conversation.

Monday met my feet when they hit the floor this morning and greeted me with a bad headache. I'm been fighting it all day and although I haven't gotten a ton accomplished, I did not allow it to be victorious over me. I managed some dishes and laundry and took Elyse to the park before her last nap of the day. I have a lot I hope to get accomplished this week, but nothing that will tip the earth from it's axis if it doesn't get done.

Comforted

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” (Isaiah 43:1)

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

Dear God,
Thank you for that today. I love that you know my name and that despite everything else, I'm yours and because I trust you, you will give me perfect peace. Please continue to guide me out of this rut.
Love,
Ursula

Wow!

This picture absolutely cracks me up! It looks like she is REALLY excited about the tree, something under it, or something on it. I like that thought. In reality, that's just the face she makes when she wants to put something in her mouth. Elyse, I don't think the tree would taste very good or help with your teething pain, I'm sorry sweetheart. I also love how blue her eyes look in this shot. Her eyes are blue, very blue actually, but not quite this blue. I didn't photo shop it or saturate the color or anything. I love my blue eyed little blondie.

Rut

So.....I've been in this "rut" lately. I've tried to describe it to others, explain in to Matt, and figure it out for myself. I don't know what it is, why it's here, or when it will leave. I've read, I've prayed, I've waited, I've ignored, I've acknowledged. The book we're doing in our small group talks about spiritual highs and lows, that they're normal and part of the growing process. For awhile that gave me comfort, but in reality, for me it was just a complacent excuse.

My life has changed so much. Everything has done a 180 in the last 6 months. It's definitely been for the better, but is very different none the less. I used to work full time and volunteer part time; now I stay at home. It used to be just Matt and I; now we have a child. Those two things in and of themselves have rocked my core, so I'm not sure if that's what's causing my rut or not.

I guess the best way to describe my "rut" is feeling the inability to truly connect with God, to hear Him, or to sense His presence. It's that feeling of distance. Lately I have this feeling of inadequacy to fully be the kind of roll model I want to be for Elyse. The morals and characteristics I desire for her to value are things I struggle with myself. Without a present and vibrant connection with God I feel like I don't have the resources within me to achieve this. I have wonderful and amazing parents who love me very much and taught me so many things I value. There are so many important things they instilled in me that I'm so thankful for. However, I'm sort of the "black sheep" when it comes to this area. I'm definitely different than my family in this regard and because of that I struggle with feeling capable of modeling or teaching certain things. I feel like I just don't know how to and it's weighing on me.

I'm sure this desire to be my very best so that Elyse gets the very best is natural of all parents. For some things it's easier, more tangible per say, but in the area of a true and vibrant relationship with the living God as the conductor of your life.....is harder for me. I'm still learning and growing, I always will be, and at times like this when I feel the distance or silence of that relationship this fear creeps up that I'm failing. Thoughts enter my head that I'll never be any more or any further that what I am right now. Nudges of accepting where I'm at because it's still better than where I was tap my shoulders. Inadequacy. Complacency for where I am. What I am, what I do, it will just have to be good enough. I'm stuck. I should get used to it. The problem with all these things is that they're lies and like a thief in the night they are after me. They are after my family. It is a very real and present danger. They call on me to lower my expectations, decrease my standards, and suppress the desire to live a life after God's own heart. They beckon me to give in to a life of complacency where before dinner prayers and Sunday sermons are enough. It's not enough. It's not anywhere close. I know because I've been there and I've had that. I just don't know how to get back.

It's been going on for weeks and through the silence and distance I believe one of my core issues is not having a strong enough foundation in the Word. There is power in scripture made for things just like this and I'm lacking in it. Throughout other times in my life I've found scripture to combat it and won every single time. That was my resource. Praying, speaking, and believing in His promises provided everything I ever needed and more. I'm lacking in the wisdom to battle this and all "this" is, is life. There will always be "something" so it's high time I suit up in some armor. At least I know it's a great place to start.

What a weekend! It was pretty low key actually, but somehow that made everything we did so much more special. The weather was cold, damp, and dreary which we welcomed as an excuse to stay indoors. We watched football and ate pizza one night and watched a movie and ate surf and turf with king crab legs another. The surf and turf was one of the best dinners I have honestly ever had, and grilling steaks is something Matt does VERY well. Even the steak I had from Burn's couldn't top his (although I'm sure cost had a factor in that). Aside from small group on Friday night and church on Sunday, that's about all we have to show for our weekend and I like that. Today I need to get the house back in order, run an errand, and hopefully visit a close friend who just had her baby girl yesterday. I love watching friends become mom's now. There is so much I've wanted to express to her, share with her, prepare her for, but there just aren't the proper words in the world to express the joys and heartache of parenting. The way your heart doubles in size and the new perspective you have on everything......it's miraculous, amazing, and incredible, but no true way to describe it to someone else. Then when you see them with their new baby, you just know that they know, no words are even needed......I love that.

Compliment

I just got a phone call from my dad who was in Publix. He had some ribs I made a week or two ago and he wanted to make sure he bought the exact ingredients I used to replicate the dinner that he was making for someone special. He thought they were THAT good! Aside from my No Bake cookies, this was a first for me and it definitely made me smile. I hope the meal turns out wonderful and they enjoy them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Just toying with Christmas card ideas....this one almost made the cut.

The decisions continue

I joined the gym yesterday. I've been wanting to get back on track for quite some time now, but the gym I was a member of during my pregnancy does not take babies until they are 6 months old and the nearby gym who took them younger was much too expensive, so wait I did. Waiting was very hard for me. I worked out and exercised before and throughout my entire pregnancy. Truthfully I believe that's why my pregnancy was an absolute dream. I had minimal weight gain, a fast delivery, and a speedy recovery. I weighed myself postpartum for the first time when Elyse was 8 days old. I was wearing my regular clothes already and the scale shocked me when I realized I had just 4 pounds to loose. I'm not trying to boast, brag, or toot my own horn here, that's just when I realized that my hard work paid off and in that regard, I haven't worked very hard since.

I was starting to feel down about myself, not just physically, but in many other ways as well and I knew exercising would help. I stopped by yesterday and even though Elyse is only 5 months old they agreed to take her and I happily rejoined. I attended my first group fitness class since May last night and it felt wonderful. Matt's work travel has increased lately so there are often days and nights I'm alone and don't even get an hour to myself until Elyse goes to bed, so taking that hour for myself felt absolutely invigorating.....until they had to pull me out of class because Elyse was having a breakdown. I hurried over to where she was and she was hysterically crying, her eyes were red, her nose was running, it was just pitiful. She didn't settle until she was in her car seat and we were heading home. Upon "rescuing" her, I could immediately tell what the problem was, there were just too many people around her. Kids of all ages were trying to make her laugh and basically just in her face. Elyse doesn't like that. Neither would I. She also doesn't like to be held close or facing you, she prefers to be held facing out so she can see what's going on. She absolutely doesn't snuggle. I could count on one hand the times she has actually laid her head on my shoulder and as heartbreaking as that can be, it's who she is and it's how she is. This one trait alone tends to bite her in the butt with others because that's the first way other people tend to soothe a baby and it only aggravates her. So that was the scene I approached, kids in her face, a nursery worker trying to hold her close, and a screaming Elyse.

I felt so discouraged by how the evening went, so discouraged that for a brief second I thought about cancelling the membership. I shouldn't do this to her I thought. Having kids of all those different ages mixed together is too much. One worker can't possibly keep up with all that and my stomach will turn every time I have to leave her in there. Once she starts crawling it will only seem worse. I felt selfish for putting her through this for something I wanted to do. Well, I just don't give up that easy on anything and this would be no exception. After talking it over with Matt last night he encouraged me that I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish over something that is important to me. We came up with a few ways to try to make it work. Instead of an evening class I went to a morning class today thinking there would be less kids during school hours. We were right, there was only one little toddler in there with Elyse. It went beautifully for both of us. I also purchased 3 personal training sessions to learn to use the equipment properly for times that I can't make it to the classes because of Elyse's nap times, etc., and I could plan to go at slower times so it's more comfortable for her.

Some people would think I'm caving too much and I should "make" Elyse "get used to it". Some people may think I shouldn't be doing it at all because of how upset she got, germs from kids, or other reasons. I like our decision and even though I can't directly discuss it with Elyse, I feel like we compromised and we're both better for it.

I never thought about things like this before Elyse was here. I guess there were a lot of things I didn't think about, but then again I couldn't because I didn't have a mother's heart yet. Having a mother's heart makes everything look different and every decision seem different and so much more crucial. It's hard. I go to bed at night hoping and praying that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources that I had that day. I know I won't always get it right and I'm sure I'll have regrets, but I try. I truly give it my best, but each day, every single day of every single week of each passing month I give her to God. I prayerfully place her in His hands and if I never get anything else right, I'm confident in that. His hedge of protection provides security I couldn't ever possibly give her. His love for her is greater than anything I could offer. His wisdom is more profound than any knowledge I'll ever have. His truths offer more assurance, consistency, and stability than I'll ever be able to model. I'm thankful each and every day that Matt and I are far from parenting her alone. I get so overwhelmed and constantly question myself with the decisions I make. Parental confidence does not come naturally or easily and I wholeheartedly hurt for people who try to do this without Him. I can't possibly imagine that and thankfully I'll never have to know.