The Power of an Apology

The details of the situation aren't what matter but I'll give a brief history.

About 6 years ago, give or take a year, I found myself going through one of the hardest trials of my life.  Things were changing and fast.  Much, if not all, of it was not a desire of mine or anything I planned on encountering or enduring.  However, decisions had been made over several years that I was very much a part of which caused the slow fade leading up to the place I found myself in.  Life as I knew it was being uprooted and completely turned upside down.  Other situations added to the intensity, my mother was hospitalized and my dad and I were going through some difficulties on our own as well.  I had never felt more lost or alone and my faith and relationship with God were definitely suffering as well.  I allowed myself to be pulled into a full-blown identity crisis. 

I was a mess.  I lost close to 15 pounds during that time and was not coping well.  I was hurting in so many different ways.  The point I want to make is that I was not acting right.  Many of my actions were not thought out and were unhealthy reactions rather than careful decisions.  Emotions were high, the situation was intense and I ended up in multiple confrontations with the people involved where my actions were as toxic as my pain.

The situation slowly tapered off and I began to rebuild my life.  I moved not only houses but cities, started a new job, made new friends, reconciled with my dad, joined a new church.  God used that low point in my life to establish my need to be solely reliant on Him.  I sought out His perfect love which provided a healing and sustainability that I will never be without and that will endure any trials to come.  I forgave the past and those involved, fell in love with God and moved on fresh and new on stable, unshakable ground. 

However, I never fully forgave myself for the way I handled myself or the situations during that time.  I didn't represent myself well at all and feelings are not an excuse for inappropriate actions.  Time has helped suppress those wounds but I hadn't claimed the full-circle of God's redeeming grace.

Last week a girl involved in the situation contacted me on Facebook wanting to apologize for her actions from years ago.

I couldn't believe it!  She had carried the guilt and shame as well and it had been put on her heart to apologize and make things right. 

I immediately wrote her back and a weight I hadn't even realized the heaviness of, was lifted as soon as I hit "send". 

A total of over 15 different messages have been sent back and forth since then and we're finding ourselves in a very unlikely friendship of sorts.  We seem to have a lot in common and I'm truly enjoying our conversations.
What will become of it?  Who knows, but that isn't what matters.

What matters is listening to our nudges often guided by the holy spirit.  It just goes to show the power of an apology, the peace you find in forgiveness, the joy that comes with grace, the freedom God wants us to claim over accepting those gifts, and that our past is our character building history that when used wisely and given to God, can be used to direct our paths not slump our shoulders.

The whole thing has just touched me so much.  I'm thankful she listened.  I wish I had sooner.

*Disclaimer:  No home-wrecking or infidelity occurred in the above scenario, the apologies had nothing to do with anything of that nature.  Just thought I should mention that.

Christmas 2011

This was Elyse's 3rd and Adley's first.  For the first time this year we got a child-friendly nativity scene and played out the story of Jesus' birth several times before the day celebrating his arrival was finally here.  I awoke with excitement and before anyone else.  I think this was the year that will set it all into motion for Elyse.  She slept until after 8 a.m. as usual, unknowing what awaited her that morning but she picked up on my excitement very quickly.  I was overwhelmed with thanks that morning, a giddy thanks for what we were celebrating and who I was celebrating it with. 

A tradition my family had growing up was eating Pillsbury cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning and Matt and I have continued that.  This year we put a candle in one of the rolls and sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus before anything else happened that morning. 

We spent Christmas eve with my family at my mom and Tim's and Christmas morning was spent with just our own little family before Matt's dad and Kathy joined us early that afternoon.  Christmas ended with sunset at Madeira Beach where we visited with friends, Kristin and Rone', and their family.  It was a busy, eventful and wonderful day.  The sounds, sights and smells of Christmas are familiar and comforting childhood reflections, yet changing and new as I celebrate the birth of Jesus with my own family in our very own ways. 

 She got a new shopping cart and has thanked us several times for it each day.

 Elyse has a personalized chair just like this that has gotten lots of use so we got one for Adley as well.

 The anticipation of unwrapping.

 Making sure Adley got her turn with gifts as well.  Here Elyse is showing them to her.

 More unwrapping.

 Coloring in her new book.  I love the way she looks when she's concentrating.

 Crawling under the tree for those last few gifts.

 Helping Adley with hers.

 Adley enjoying her new table toy.

 My girls.

Reading a new book with grandma Kathy.

The next two are Christmas eve, I'm sorry I went a little out of order but too tired to go back and fix it.

 This was the first gift she opened of the season and would have been satisfied at that.  She wanted to break into it right away....better things awaited though.  Once she caught on, the slow pace she began with went out the window and she was tearing into paper like most kids do.  We did however, let her open things and play with them as she asked and made sure she realized who gifts were from and that we gave gifts as well.  I tried several times to reiterate that we were giving gifts to celebrate the gift Jesus was to us and to the world.  I'm not sure if she saw past the Play-Doh though.

My mom got the girls a new wagon, a Cadillac for sure.  Padded seats, individual sun canopies, a cooler on the back and cup holders for everyone.  It's a far cry from the $10 tin one I grew up playing with that tipped over at every sharp turn.  I have lots of fun wagon memories.

Former neighbors stopped by on Monday and Tuesday was back to work for Matt and normal routine for the girls.  Matt's schedule has been wonderful.  It's a 3 day work week for him after 4 days off and he's been leaving work during the 4 o'clock hour yesterday and today......I could definitely get used to this.  It's amazing how much more smoothly the evenings run with an extra set of hands and not as much crunch time before bed.  Plus, I just happen to love him and his company. 

2011 Christmas Card

This was taken at the sand castle festival back in November on St. Pete beach.  We've had a lot of feedback from people who thought the entire thing was photo-shopped and other people who asked if we built the snowman.....neither are true.  We just simply added our name.  I wish our outfits were coordinating but we didn't know we'd be taking our Christmas card picture that day.....oh well :).

I added a better picture of the girls to each envelope this year for only a penny per print because I didn't love the sand castle picture, but Matt sure did, so our recipients got both. 

Merry Christmas eve, eve!

Like everyone else, it's busy in the Borrack house so I'll just post a couple of pictures......

 Adley's first time in a swing yesterday.  I really was surprised she did okay in it.  At this same age Elyse was able to hold herself much more steady and loved any sort of motion.  Adley is not quite as steady yet and doesn't seem to like any motion.  I think she liked being high, erect, and next to her sister yesterday.  I love those dimples.

 Elyse asked to where curlers today.  I use them randomly on rare occasions but today she wanted some.  I thought I had years before I had to worry about Elyse wanting her hair fussed with.  Her entire head took 3 rollers and her hair is so thin and fine they didn't want to stay in.  She was determined to follow through with her request though and sat perfectly still for the pampering.

I mean seriously......does anything speak innocence and sweetness more clearly?

The final Chirstmas plans and preparations are difficult in 80 degree heat.  You would think being a Florida girl almost my entire life that I'd be used to it, but I'm not.  Christmas songs playing everywhere you go just seems a little off when you're wearing shorts, so I chose to roast in jeans the last couple of days.  Not my brightest of decisions. 

I want to make a note, more to myself than anyone else, but I've been impressed with Elyse lately.  She's turning the manners up and whining down.  Her obedience has stepped up a notch when I became more determined in my consistency, regardless of circumstance.  We've got a long way to go in certain areas but allowing her simple pleasures, like napping on the futon in the guest bedroom today instead of in her bed or allowing her to pretend to drive my car for 5 minutes while I unload it instead of ushering her right in the house, seem to be minimizing unnecessary battles.  I'm learning.  I'm trying.  I think she is too.  For today, that makes me proud of both of us.

Silent Night

Our 4th Annual Christmas Party with what was formerly our small group through church but is now a very close group of wonderful, supportive friends, changes themes each year.  This year we were supposed to dress as a Christmas song.  Matt and I went simple and cheap by going as "Silent Night".  My dad says it was a nifty trick of Matt's to have a quiet wife for awhile.  I'm quite the talker, especially after he's been traveling all week, so my dad may be correct :).

The party was fun and we used a new babysitter for the first time, which as far as we can tell, went well too. 

I *think* my shopping is all done.  I've baked, or actually no baked, cookies for a Moms Club party tonight and now I need to fix a toilet that overflowed and clean the kitchen floor since Elyse helped cook.  Just another day in paradise. 

Santa

This was a first for both girls, no tears which was great!  Personally, I debated not doing the whole "Santa" thing.  I have very fond memories of the thrill of believing in Santa as a kid.  I loved staying up late with my sisters listening for the sound of hooves and leaving out cookies and carrots.  It didn't crush me when I found out he wasn't real, it didn't scare me that a stranger was supposedly coming into our house at night, but for some reason, now that I'm older, so much of it just seems....well, wrong.

There are certain things about the idea of Santa that I just don't agree with.  Before I had even thought about how I would discuss it with Elyse and explain why this character is everywhere you turn, she was knee deep in questions from strangers about Santa this and Santa that.  Matt definitely wants to continue the family tradition of Santa and my reasons for questioning it just don't come out right when I try to explain it.  I'm not sure exactly how we will handle it or how big a role Santa will play in this house.  I just want to make sure this is the message she gets.

Pictures

The ticket entrance to Disney, excitement at its peak!

 In front of Cinderella's castle

 On the tea cups.....she looks thrilled

 Meeting her first characters.  She just loved them. She wanted to hug every single character we saw and she just about did.  She was so sweet with them.

 A quick snooze in the stroller from all of the excitement.  We were glad we brought snuggy along.

 Back at the villa.  This picture brings so many thoughts to mind.  Elyse looks......old here.  She looks more growing girl than teetering toddler.  This picture left Matt and I speechless at first, but then led us to a lengthy, sweet conversation about the woman unfolding in her.  I feel like this was a glimpse of what her Facebook profile picture will look like in  another 14 years.....if Facebook is still a thing and if we allow her to have it of course......but you get my point.  This one is definitely worth 1,000 words in our book.

 Elyse was playing in the indoor kids area and Matt was holding Adley.  This is a classic Adley face.  Love that girl.

 Playing with the water cannons at the pool.

 My goal was to get a picture of the reflection of the tree lights in her eyes.  It was so precious to see in person but hard to capture on camera.

 Our sweet Adley wrapped in a crisp white hotel towel on our crisp white linens....made for a nice shot I thought.

There was cookie decorating at play-group today and if there is one thing Elyse loves, it's sprinkles.  She didn't care about the cookie nearly as much as putting sprinkles on it.

Here she is painting the icing.

 About to pour the sprinkles....we will call this "before".

 Her cookie "after" she was done with the sprinkles.  I had to laugh.  She didn't even eat the cookie.



That's our update it pictures :)

Home sweet oh my goodness am I behind!

All the doctor visits between kids and cats, preparing for the Disney trip, being quarantined with sickness, plus the trip itself .........when Monday hit, it hit me with full force as it usually does.

Christmas is a week from Sunday and I'm not ready.  I had gotten behind on laundry and other chores and my tendency to be disorganized has bothered me more than ever.  I opened the cabinet beneath my sink and peered at utter chaos and gazed in embarrassment at the mounds of mess I call my closet.  The clothes are neatly hung, but the randomness of items stacked on the shelves leaves much to be desired. 

I have multiple errands to run than just aren't worth running with both kids in tow.  Combine that with a traveling husband and I'm not sure they will get done. 

Back to our trip.  The villa we stayed at was great!  The 1,300 square foot living space we had for 3 days spoiled us from the usual cramped hotel room.  The property was amazing with multiple pools, play areas for kids, it's own little sandy beach on a lake, 3 restaurants, little shops, a spa, a golf course.....we didn't even need to leave to have a wonderful little get-away.  We left the Grand Vista for our day at Disney Friday morning and my mom stayed behind with Adley. 

If you ask Elyse how Disney was, she will answer "dark".  I never thought about Disney through the eyes of a two year old, but now I have and she's right, it is "dark".  The rides aren't very cheery and often have villains popping out of hidden corners.  Even the live Little Mermaid show had her burying her head in Matt's shoulder when the sea-witch octopus came out.  She loved Dumbo and meeting the characters, she liked the parade and the Jungle Cruise, but other than that, it just flat out scared her.  She hasn't seen any of the movies so she doesn't really know many of the characters, the noise, lack of nap, repeated waiting (even though the lines weren't bad at all), I'm not sure if the fun she had outweighed the "darkness".  Poor kid.  We just took her too young.  I'm extremely thankful we didn't have to pay to get in to learn this. 

She still loves simple things like splashing in the heated pools they had on site and playing chase across the lake bridge.  As parents we wanted to show her so much, take her to the place whose motto is "where dreams come true"......I'm hoping she didn't leave with nightmares.  We can show her so much more with our attention, time and focus, and that can happen in our own backyard or on our family room floor.  One day I'm sure she will beg to go back and I'm sure we will take her, but with much different expectations and a much different plan in place. 

Around dinner time we took her back, bathed and fed her and got her ready for bed.  My mom put both girls to bed so Matt and I could enjoy a date night at Epcot.  We bounced from country to country sampling foods and drinks and finished up just in time to watch their Illuminations firework show.  It was a date night like no other.  The "cast" at the different countries were native to those places, combine that with Disney style scenery and ambiance and you're instantly transformed by sights, accents and smells to a far away land.  10 minutes later you do it again and before you know it, you've traveled the world. 

I'll post a few pictures when I get a chance, but I promised myself an early bedtime tonight and I'll scarcely stick to that if I end now. 

RSV

Adley has it.  I was nearly positive she did, but the swab test at the Pedi's confirmed it today.  We are on nebulizer treatments at home (thankfully not the hospital) every 4-6 hours.  The doctor did give us the green light to go ahead to our trip to Orlando this weekend, I was very happy about that. 

Aside from the drippy nose and raspy cough, she is as happy as can be.  You would think there was laughing gas in the nebulizer if you watched her.  It's pretty cute in a pitiful kinda way.

We leave tomorrow for several nights at the happiest place on earth.......Disney.  My mom is gracious enough to watch Adley at the time-share (using Matt's travel hotel points) so Matt and I can have some one on one time with Elyse at the park.  Even better, an old friends dad is getting us into the park for free so we are staying for free (well, it costs Matt plenty of time away from home) and getting in free......that makes us very happy and we aren't even there yet. 

It's after 9:30pm at night.  I'm tired.  I have a lot to do before we load the car tomorrow and I'm a one woman show (Matt's already over there for a conference).  It's amazing how much I need to pack for such a little getaway.  Better get to it. 

Grateful

Elyse got sick.
Cat got sick.
Mom got sick.
Adley got sick.
Elyse refuses to get dressed.
Mommy loses car keys.
Finally get it together enough to leave.
Mommy needs $2 to get through gate at park to deliver a gift to a friend. 
While digging for her wallet mommy discovered BBQ sauce from Chick-Fil-A had leaked all throughout the diaper bag, now her hands, sunglasses and everything else was covered in it.
Mom remembers she left her wallet in daddy's car and daddy is now out of town.
Elyse dumps water bottle all over back seat of car.
It's only 10 a.m.

I wanted to.......I don't know what I wanted to do.

For the past week, every time a complaining, whining thought crosses my mind, I have a hard time letting it leave my mouth.  As quickly as I want to stomp my foot and pout, I am whisked back to the moment where I heard by daughter's brain was healthy and I just can't complain, I can't.  Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45) and my heart it grateful!  Nothing can shake that feeling of gratitude and appreciation and it truly helps me weather the small, challenging moments that meet me hundreds of times a day.

I'm embarrassed that it took that.  I'm convicted that I should have been able to do that all on my own because I have my God and He has me.  He had me long before I knew to be thankful for the phone call that my daughter had a healthy brain.  I should have been weathering these moments better sooner.  I shouldn't have needed to be scared into appreciation and shaken into faithfulness.  I should have always been carrying it, living it, sharing it. 

I will do better at this.

About an hour after I got the call with the MRI results, the vet called with Mandy's lab results.  Apparently her white blood cell count is 85,000 and the normal feline range is 5-20,000.  They said with a level this high it is almost always indicative of a tumor somewhere in the body.  They recommended a couple of options, none of which I was very keen on, Mandy is 24 and although I love her dearly, she's a cat and it's probably just time to let her go, which was not one of their initial suggestions. 

Elyse's illness got worse, then I caught her bug, so nothing has been done as far as Mandy goes yet.  I'm trying to get the humans healthy and then focus on her.  The vet did say she didn't seem to be in any pain, so I don't feel as rushed as if she were suffering. 

Saturday evening was Matt's firms holiday party so my mom came to watch the girls.  Matt and I went to dinner at 717 South as a date before hand because the party was hour derv's only (although they ended up having enough food where that wouldn't have been necessary, but the date was nice too).  Matt was awarded "Busiest Bee" for the tax department and although I'm proud it's noticed that he works so hard and travels so much, I'm not sure that's an award to strive for.  However, I am very, very proud of him in his career and at home. 

Both girls slept 13 hours straight last night (we ended up waking them up at that) so of course, it was the night I was stricken with insomnia.  I've had sleep "issues" on and off for years but we had a peaceful house and as tired as I was, I was up reading at 1:30am.  I'm feeling it a little today, but overall not bad.  While Elyse was at school, I got the grocery shopping done, laundry started, floors swept and steam cleaned, and rugs vacuumed.  Not a bad start to the week.

I'll post a few random pictures below.

Tree decorating!  Elyse was insistent to sit on our shoulders and put every ornament up "really, really high".  She's so into everything this year, we are loving it.

Adley enjoying the glow of the lights from beneath the tree.

A random Saturday morning picture from a few weeks back.  Matt is good at capturing true moments, family moments, while I'm always looking for that picture perfect shot.  Hopefully our archives will have a good mix of the two.

Our sick little girl cuddled up on the couch.  We need to get her looking.........

 like this again!

My mini-chef in the making.  She really enjoys helping in the kitchen so I'm trying to involve her more and more.

Saturday morning tea party.

 Cheers!

Family