Support vs. Respect

Controversy and strong opinions surround so many things and consume so many conversations, and people in general really. Recent plans and decisions, goals and desires have been teaching me something new in this area. In the medical world, you could say Matt and I are aiming for a birth that goes against the grain of what has become the "norm". It's nothing so far fetched as free-birthing in the woods with nothing but nature around Matt and I, but it does have some intervention free goals. Some people are thrilled and supportive of this, other's think I'm crazy and feel the need to throw in their 2 cents worth.

One thing I've known about myself is that I don't generally like things like that. I am someone who avoids confrontation and I greatly dislike debates. I prefer to blend and I just want everyone to like me. However, I also know that if something is important to me or I feel very strongly about it....that is how I'm going to do it, regardless of how uncomfortable it may make other's feel or may make me feel when approached about it. I truly believe as parents that Matt and I have God given authority over our daughter even now, and with His guidance He has entrusted us to make good decisions for her and I'm trying my best in each new thing that arises.

Back to what I'm learning....support and respect are 2 different things and I think I'm just realizing that.
The definitions of support and respect according to http://www.ardictionary.com/:

sup·port
be behind; approve of; give moral or psychological support, aid, or courage to; support materially or financially.

re·spect
To take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence, to care for; to heed. To consider worthy of esteem; to regard with honor.

I have been someone who has often longed for the "support" of others. I like to feel validated, supported, and in general...not alone in different endeavors. I'm learning that support is not what matters to me. Support to me represents more of the physical, material aspect of things and just because you support something, doesn't mean you respect it...that's what I'm learning. While searching for support I was really longing for respect and what I ultimately have come to realize is that I shouldn't be so heavily reliant on that from others. True it's important, and necessary between a husband and wife, but I need to learn not to desire it from a world I often don't approve of anyway.

I am a careful decision maker who places high regard on important areas and I seek direction and wisdom at every curve in my road. I goof up and make some bad decisions and often end up taking detours, but I learn and persevere. I am a researcher, a seeker, and a prayer. I am firm in my decisions once I reach them, but I am intimidated and hesitant when it comes to carrying them out with confidence if it doesn't please the palate of everyone else. I need to work on strength and confidence regarding this, not only for myself, but also to be the kind of parent that I know my children need. I'm also learning that the further something is out of my comfort zone, chances are I'm doing exactly what I'm being led to do. God tends to grow me like that.

Where to begin....

I can't remember the last time a whole week went by in between posts. We have been extremely busy this last week, and I feel rushed even as I sit to post an update.

I don't like weeks like the one that just passed or the one that lies ahead. They are often filled with good and fun, but sometimes just necessary busy things, but the rushing and cramming just gets to me after awhile, especially with being so pregnant.

Monday found us back to everyday life after our little get-away. I went grocery shopping, errand running, laundry washing and folding, and tied up my evening at the Pregnancy Center before packing my newly unpacked suitcase for a couple of nights in Lakeland.

Tuesday I worked until it was time for my mom's wedding rehearsal and dinner and then spent the night with her at a hotel in Lakeland. We went out for ice cream, shopped for a little bit, and just relaxed watching TV and chit-chatting in the hotel room until the nervous bride and exhausted mommy-to-be were slumbering.

Wednesday was her wedding and it went off without a hitch. The weather was gorgeous, the bride breath-taking, and the groom speechless...it was a beautiful celebration of love and commitment. I must admit though, as a child I never imagined growing up one day and being a part of my own mother's wedding and at first I had a mixture of emotions. Then being able to see her so happy and marrying someone so wonderful warmed my heart and I whole-heartedly welcome Tim to the family and wish them every happiness in the world.

Thursday I worked all day and Friday was my bi-weekly docotor appointment, errands, and chores before our child-birthing classes. The doctor appointment went well...I'm 33 weeks now and everything is as it should be, which is always a blessing to hear. Here are a couple of "belly shots" we tried to do ourselves while in Miami.

Our child-birth classes went well, I don't think either of us knew what to expect, but we learned a lot about this magnificent process the 3 of us will be going through in just a matter of weeks. We spent 3 evenings in a row, 3 hours each in a private class held in the comfort of our home with just the instructor and Matt and I. The openness and individual attention to our specific needs, concerns, and areas we wanted to know more in was wonderful and I'm so thankful we chose to do it this way. Feeling much more empowered with knowledge and information, I have a new found sense of excitement and anticipation for the day when things are thrown into motion and we work together in those last hours before meeting our precious daughter.

Saturday was more house-hold nesting and rearranging making room for this little one. I am continuing to add little touches to hopefully complete her nursery before long. Matt did his own nesting in the garage and things finally seem to be falling a little more into place, just in time for the baby to throw it all off kilter again ;).

Sunday we slept in a little and went to the late service at church before meeting with our doula and going to visit Oma. By the time the weekend wound down we didn't even have the energy for our Sunday movie and ice cream and headed to bed knowing Monday was just around the corner. We have found ourselves each week saying...."This week is going to be so busy" and we have come to the realization that this is life now.... it's simply busy and that won't be changing anytime soon.

Sunrise

I have had the privilege of witnessing so many amazing sunsets in my life, and particularly the last several years. Living on the East coast allows us that honor whenever we choose to partake of it. However, I don't recall ever seeing a sunrise and while on the West coast of Florida in Miami I was able to soak one in. I am seldom up that early, but with the frequent awakenings of pregnancy, I was able to capture just that and I wanted to share it with you. These images were taken an hour or so apart...it was beautiful to see that along with the sound of crashing waves and the smell of salty air. Outside of the raging ocean, the city itself was so still and quiet outside and an orchestra of nature performed as Miami slept. I felt like I was peeping in on a private show meant just for God, before the rest of the world awoke. The magnificence and power, yet serene beauty of His amazing creation roared through my senses. I was humbled and reminded of just how big and how powerful He is, yet somehow I often think I'm the one in control...how silly is that?

Spoiled

As recommended by several of our friends whom have children already, Matt and I were able to spend the weekend away for some time together before the baby comes. We were able to have a 3 night stay at the Eden Roc on Miami Beach. Now....the Eden Roc is not your typical hotel (that's a picture of our rooom overlooking Miami beach from the bed!)...this place was amazing and luxurious. Multiple pools and hot tubs, incredible views, impeccable service, crisp, comfortable linen, and amazing rooms with a jacuzzi tub that had windows that opened up through the room onto the balcony where we had an ocean front view. I have never been able to shower or soak in a jacuzzi tub and stare at the ocean while I did it. We even slept with the balcony doors open at night and listened to waves crash against the shore...it was the best white noise I'd ever been lulled to sleep with. One night on the pool deck there was a man playing his saxophone and the beautiful notes left his instrument with such a fluid sound. The notes then whimsically floated through the air and merged with the sounds of the sea to be met in perfect harmony in my ears as I laid awake in bed trying to soak it all in. The sights, the sounds, the smell, the incredible time with my husband....it was a much needed and greatly appreciated time away.

Due to Matt's occasional travel for work, he had once again earned us enough points to enjoy all of this for free. Here's the funny part....so here we are at this fancy resort/spa in an expensive, high-end town where a pool-side can of soda is $4. A sandwich and fries for 2 for lunch will set you back over $40. We knew this ahead of time and planned accordingly. Each afternoon Matt would head back to the room and make us some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bring down a bag of chips and some bottled waters that we brought, and we would dine away pool-side. Each morning we would eat muffins and bananas that we also picked up at the store on the way. We attempted to calculate how much money our efforts saved us (we both love stuff like that), but we never came to a figure. It had to be well over $200. Good thing we saved that way because we still ate out for dinner and it made it much easier to splurge and truly enjoy our time together in the evenings knowing we had done so well all day. (I'll post more pictures when I get a chance...the camera is still packed away and it will stay that way until I get back from my mom's wedding this week)

On the drive home I felt so refreshed, rejuvenated, recharged, and so close to Matt that it almost made me tear up. When we were packing up in the hotel room that "back to reality" feeling crept over me and I was immediately thankful for all we were able to do. One of the many things that intimidates us about having a baby is how things like that will change. Vacations will never be the same, not necessarily better or worse, just forever different and I think having this last little "get away" was our way of saying goodbye to the old us and embracing the new. I anticipate there will be days when we feel like we would do just about anything to have a weekend like that back again, but beyond a shadow of a doubt there is not one second either of us will question if it isn't all completely worth it....this I am sure of and confident in.

I am a HUGE marriage advocate or whatever you want to call it. Nothing excites me more than people who are excited about their marriage. I love that. It causes my heart to swell so big because we live in a world that has lost touch with the honor and blessing that being a wife or being a husband is. People who are intentional in the way they treat this critically important relationship and have the utmost confidence in their spouses and in their marriage as a whole....I just absolutely love it. I strive for it daily and although I make my share of mistakes, this is one area of my life that cannot be neglected and this weekend reminded me of that importance. With a new baby we will have to be much more aware and conscious of the efforts this will require...intentionality will become more important and date nights will have to be redesigned, but hold me accountable, support, and encourage me in this....(I've heard the emphasis and importance of this expressed over and over and I intend to listen) we will be husband and wife first.

What I wouldn't give...

for a full nights rest where excruciating back pain, an aching left hip, a belly that's awkward to sleep around, and a restless bladder that seems to always think its full...don't suddenly awaken me from a sleep that was almost deep and regenerative.

I've gotten to where I almost dread the thought of climbing into bed because I know the battle that lies ahead, and I know ahead of time that it is a battle I will not win.

That's all. Just taking my moment to whine.

I know she is worth every last minute of this and enduring it is an honor and a privilege that I wouldn't trade for anything. The greater the discomfort the bigger and healthier she grows, and the closer I am to seeing her precious face. God bless these restless nights.

Another busy weekend came to close last night and as I turned off my reading lamp to roll on my side to go to sleep, I whispered a prayer of thanks for what we were able to do all weekend.

Friday evening found me at a baby shower thrown for me and another expectant mommy I work with (due the same day, also with a little girl). Cake, presents, cute baby things, and funny games filled the air with laughter and my heart with anticipation of what it will be like to use all these things being given to us.

Saturday morning found me organizing and pondering over these new baby treasures as I carefully selected places for her things to go and once again realizing that I don't have a clue what this is really going to be like. I also finished putting together her changing table while Matt re-sodded some grass. In the late afternoon we made our way to my dad's house to celebrate Erika's birthday. We all shared in steaks, cake, and outdoor games. It really was such a nice time and I was reminded that we don't make the efforts to do that often enough.

Easter Sunday we spent with Matt's family. We got over there in the early afternoon and I was able to lounge by their pool and watch the boats go in and out of the channel on the gulf. We have been so busy and it was just so relaxing to do nothing for little while. We had a wonderful dinner of ham and all the fixings. I ate much more than I needed to, but it was definitely worth it. We wound down our weekend in the usual fashion of our Sunday night movie. I find myself looking forward to that relaxing time with Matt each and every week, this week however we skipped the ice cream because we were still full from Easter dinner. As we tucked ourselves in, exhausted and grateful, our little girl decided it was time to rearrange her living quarters. If I didn't know better, I would have thought she was moving around furniture in there. I watched in amazement as big waves of movement rolled about my belly.

Matt was fast asleep, but I fought Mr. Sandman as I softly rested my palms on this wave pool of commotion and I prayed for her. I prayed for this precious little person who is an actual part of me. I breathe and eat for her, I carry her with me each minute of each day. I can tell when she's asleep and when she's awake. When I turned on the blender the other day, I felt her jump at the sudden noise. I can distinguish kicks from rolls, and her head from her bottom. When I reposition myself in bed, she does too....yet in a sense, I don't know her at all. Our eyes have yet to meet, and our skin yet to touch. She has listened to my voice for months, I sing to her and read to her, but I still long to hear her cry. Who will she look like, what will she be like, how am I ever going to raise her in the way that she should go? These are the times I often get overwhelmed with emotion as I struggle to grasp the reality of all this and I quickly realize what a wonderful gift it is to be able to cover her in prayer and hand her to God. I pray over every aspect of her character, her heart, and her mind, but also for us as her parents and our marriage from which good or bad, she will learn so much. Her heart is being shaped already and continue to seek wisdom and confidence as the day we meet her quickly approaches.

Good Intentions

I hope the saying holds true today that "it's the thought that counts". My little sister's favorite dessert is marble cheesecake. I was really wanting to do something nice for Erika and make the cheesecake myself for her instead of doing the store bought thing, so yesterday I began baking. I found a recipe and purchased all the ingredients I didn't already have and began making the entire thing from scratch, crust and all. I had also never "marbled" a cheesecake, but I was rather pleased with how it turned out. It was very messy and rather time consuming, but I truly did enjoy doing it, especially for her. After beating, mixing, adding, and layering, the cocoa vanilla wafer crust and cheesecake filling looked wonderful in the spring form pan and I gently placed it in the oven. If you've ever made a cheesecake, you know they can be hard to get right, so you have to watch them closely. Well...that was the beginning of the end.

We had a couple of guys over here doing handy-man type work and one of the faux plantation shutters they were installing turned out to be cracked when they pulled it out of the box. I had to quickly run to Lowe's to exchange it and the Lowe's closest to our house was out of them. Once I realized I had to go to a different Lowe's I called Matt to ask him to call the workers (I didn't have their phone #) and to ask them to take the cake out when the oven alarm went off. Of course he said he would and I began my drive to the other Lowe's.

When I came in the front door that unmistakable smell of "burnt" met my nostrils and I ran to the oven to find my cheesecake a crispy burnt mess. The oven was off, but obviously too late. The workers had been drilling and didn't hear it when it began alarming. By the time they stopped drilling and heard it, it was too late. I was obviously upset because I don't have much confidence in the kitchen to begin with and I really was proud of my efforts and emotions behind this dessert.

I stared at my ugly cake of good intentions and pondered if there was any way to salvage it and I began to get a little teary (couldn't possibly have been pregnancy hormones). When I spoke to my wonderful husband I even choked as I explained what I found upon arrival. It was then that I learned he never called the workers to let them know about the oven. It was very apparent how bad he felt and he apologized and apologized and and asked me to email him the recipe so he could bake another one when he got home that night, knowing I didn't have time to make another before a baby shower I had that evening.

Of course I didn't let him bake another one, but I did greatly appreciate the gesture. I was a little hurt and a little upset, but for just a little while. I quickly realized that at the end of the day, it's just a cake and has no real bearing on our lives. It's silly to stay upset anyway, it doesn't get anyone anywhere. Matt picked up a beautiful, perfect looking marble cheesecake from the store this morning and I'm sure it will taste better than mine would have anyway. My sister knows I love her regardless and she'll still have a cake and candles to blow out. Despite how the cake turned out in the end, I really did learn from it and had tried something new, which is never a waste.

Aquatic serenity

My new found love at nearly 31 weeks pregnant is the swimming pool. We don't have the luxury of one in our personal back yard, but there is a community one up the street and the gym I'm a member of has one as well.

I stepped in it for the first time last week and I was in utter amazement at the immediate sense of weightlessness I felt. Tendons, ligaments, joints, and muscles breathed a sigh of relief as my ever expanding abdomen seemed to just float as our precious daughter was subtly lifted out of my pelvis. I found myself in a twisted concoction of foam noodles keeping me afloat in the most serene, comfortable position my body has seen in months. I have made several trips since then, and each is just as rewarding. It gives me something to look forward to on my days off. I find myself in blissful anticipation of the perfect aqua waters with each passing stretch of my 13 hour shifts on my feet at work.

It's not the grandest of things, but I love when you can find simple ways to pamper yourself for just a moment in time. Those moments in the pool are all about me and my daughter, nothing to distract me, not even the discomforts of pregnancy. I focus my thoughts and prayers on her as every vessel coursing through my body relaxes and I simply just soak it all in. I wish there were a way I could bottle up the serenity of it and carry it around in my purse so I could just take a little sip of it when the day gets hard.

Fun Friday

We had the privilege of enjoying a date night together on Friday. I was able to get off work several hours early and Matt and I went to dinner together before going to see Chris Tomlin on his "Hello Love" tour. We saw him in concert for the first time a year ago. Unsure what to expect we went hoping for a good time and we were given so much more! We both said that was the best concert either of us had ever been to and when tickets went on sale again this year, we new we wanted to go.

The concert was once again amazing. It was held at Idlewild Baptist Church this year....I couldn't guess how many people were there (it seats 5,100), but it was HUGE and PACKED. Seeing so many people come on a Friday evening for the purpose of plugging into worship like that excites me and it warms my heart. I love just being in the very presence of situations like that. It's a catch 22 I guess because the mass number of people raising their voices in praise was exhilarating and sounded incredible, but at the same time, it was so big that I must admit that the intimacy I felt last year at the smaller church was lost a little. Either way, I would do it again next year.

Frustrated

I'm just going to nonsense vent. Weeks, probably more like months ago, we borrowed an old pressure washer of my dads to clean our sidewalks, driveway, etc. About half-way through the job, the starter broke on Matt and we needed to replace it. We bought the part but weren't sure how to fix it, so the whole thing just kept getting put off day after day after day...until today.

With Matt at work, unknowing of my plans, first thing this morning I lugged the big pressure washer down to Lowe's to get some assistance with replacing the part. You could tell people thought I was a sight...this big pregnant girl carting around a huge pressure washer. After highly suggesting I just get a new washer and being told the one I had was old and had seen better days, they told me what I needed to do and I headed home excited about the obstacle (I am in no way handy but I was up for the challenge). I got home and after 2 hours of taking apart the pressure washer and putting it back together I had the part replaced and the washer in working condition. I pulled and I pulled, which also had to be an interesting sight with my protruding belly. A few neighbors on walks stopped to comment and wish me luck, one even tried to help me start it to no avail. I was beginning to think maybe I didn't put something back together right and with my back was screaming in pain I was ready to throw in the towel when it started!!!!! The loud rumbling and vibration of the gas powered machine gave me such a thrill knowing I had done it. I yelled out "I did it! I did it!" and I began my cleaning which lasted all of 2 minutes before it stopped. I literally felt myself deflate, I had been so proud and excited just to be left at square one again. After filling it with gas, checking other things, and many more tries to get it going again it just wasn't going to happen. The beast one. I felt so defeated, but had to remind myself I had still succeeded because I know I had at least gotten it to start once which means I did fix it, even if just for a moment.

The whole ordeal took up a huge chunk of my day and energy with no real reward, in fact it left me dirty, wet, and with a horribly aching back. That's frustrating. What's even more frustrating is that I NEEDED to get it done because strict water restrictions start this weekend and today was the last day I could do it. Oh well. If that's the worse thing that happens to me today, I'm doing pretty darn good.