Loren, Landon, Elyse and I went to the zoo again this week and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. I was thankful to be able to spend the entire afternoon outdoors and we accomplished 4 miles of walking while enjoying it. Then the weather turned cold, wet and dreary so we stayed indoors and yesterday and today it's been even colder. Part of me hopes this weather will pass soon because seeing frost on our neighbors roof this morning is an odd sight in Florida when it's almost March. Then again I know I'll be wishing for a day like this come mid August so I'm just going to try and enjoy it for the time being.

Because of the cold weather Loren and I decided to do some mall walking/shopping yesterday although I think we did more shopping than anything else. It's funny to me how simple it is to have a "good" or "fun" day now. A good day now consists of getting out of the house with Elyse enjoying it and behaving in the process. It really is that simple. She was so entertained by the attention some little girls gave her and it tickles her to pieces to get out of the stroller and stand in different stores. I guess my fun-o-meter has shrunk to her size, I like that.

Small group is at our house tonight and I am determined to get some chores done today. I'm doing chicken and dumplings in the crock pot today to embrace the cold weather and keep things simple for this evening in hopes of preventing me from running around like a mad woman later on. We'll see if it works.

Here are a few pictures I couldn't resist posting. The many faces of Elyse! She has become so much more fun to photograph now that she can sit up well but still isn't mobile enough to scoot away very fast. We're having professional pictures done next weekend and I think most of them are planned to be outdoors so I hope both weather and baby cooperate, imagine the chances of that!

Bitter sweet retirement

Today I'm very thankful that Elyse takes 2 naps. I slept during both of them and I have NEVER done that before. I've had this cold/bug/sickness thing on and off for over a week now and it's affected me differently than any other sickness I've had in the past. I felt horrible for a few days then started to feel better and I was thinking I was getting past it. Then I would feel worse all over again and it's gone on and on like a roller coaster and my body can't make up it's mind if I'm better or not. The weekend went like this: Friday night was Bunco with the girls and I'd felt fine all day but as the night wore on and I lost once again (to date I have never won at Bunco) I began to feel crummy. Saturday morning I didn't feel well at all but we laid low and I was able to take a long nap so I started to feel better. Sunday was my last day at work and I felt pretty good. A swig of DayQuil before I left home got me through the 13 hours and I thought I was on the upswing again. Then this morning I woke up feeling absolutely terrible. I was achy, stuffy, exhausted......blah. Hence the 2 naps for mom and baby and now I'm feeling better again but who knows what tomorrow will have for us.

Either way the sickness has caused me to be very thankful that I'm home with Elyse and able to stay in sweat pants and rest if I need to. Because of how I've felt the poor girl has been a little cooped up so after our last nap we went to the park and I was able to snap a few pictures of her. She is 8 months old today.

After working my last shift on Sunday I guess I'm officially retired now. I had a great shift and knowing it was my last was more bitter than it was sweet for me. Ever since I had Elyse I have felt like I can relate so much better to the parents of the babies I care for. My heart has been in it in such a different way since I became a mom and I know I have so much to give to those going through such a hard time. Handing a mom her baby to hold for the first time since coming off of the ventilator, encouraging and offering suggestions for a mom battling low milk supply issues, educating a scared new dad on the cardiac medication his son has been started on.......I love it. I'm going to miss it. A lot. So much of me feels a piece of me belongs there but I also know all of me belongs at home. This was a hard decision to make and I think it's so hard on me because I somehow feel like I failed, like I should have been able to make it work and didn't. Why couldn't I balance it better? There are many families where both parents work full time and I couldn't find a way to balance 26 hours a month. That feels like failing. But then I also know so much of that isn't true. We did make it work, we did do our best to balance but in the end the cost wasn't worth the gain so we made a choice. I left those babies and families, doctors and coworkers last night. I clocked out and snuck away without even saying goodbye because it was easier to pretend I would be back in a couple of weeks. I walked to my car, alone and in the dark and as the bitterness left the sweetness came and I was thankful. I'm thankful to have had a career I held so close to my heart but more thankful not to have to miss anymore family time which isn't just close to my heart, it is my heart. As I was walking I grabbed onto the fact that I was going home. Our weekends are ours again, that is sweet! Maybe someday I'll be back, maybe I won't but either way it was a wonderful journey and one I will never forget.

It's official, I have put in my 2 weeks notice at UCH and this weekend I will work my last shift. Coming to this conclusion consisted of multiple conversations and weighing of pros and cons and the pros of giving it up won. It is truly a bitter-sweet feeling because it is one connection I have managed to maintain that is just as it was before Elyse was here. It's the same old job with the same old friends and I like that. I like the familiarity and comfort along with the adult interaction and the opportunity to continue to do something that I still love so much. Being an RN in the NICU wasn't just my job, it was my passion but right now I'm called to be passionate about my family. Matt's long hours, occasionally working weekends and frequent travel have helped us both realize how important our time together on the weekends is and when I would work, half of that time together for that week was gone. That didn't sit well with either of us and I really think that despite the enjoyment I got, it caused both of us to resent my time at the hospital just a little bit. The money was of course part of it too but we decided we would move some things around a bit and make this work for the sake of our little family.



Now that we've made this decision I'm even more thankful and impressed by God's timing in getting me involved at the center again before pulling me out of the NICU. It all may seem simple enough on the outside but it wasn't. For the first time since I left last June my manager at the Pregnancy Center felt comfortable enough to ask me to come back. They have needed a nurse since weeks after I left to have Elyse but she kept to herself and knew her timing was not what mattered and she believed I needed to be at home. Despite needing a nurse right then, she waited and prayed and waited and prayed and finally felt it was time to pursue me and ask me to come back. I was ecstatic, who doesn't like to feel needed and I had missed it so much. In those same months our small group became so much closer and the relationships blossomed to the point that I had someone who was willing to give of her time off each month to watch Elyse while I went and did this. It took commitment on her part and I'm not sure that level of commitment and desire to serve one another would have been there so passionately a few months ago. All of this was being worked out behind the scenes while Matt's hours grew longer and our patience with my shifts at the hospital grew thin. By the time we were ready for me to give it up so much was already cohesively in place to make that transition the best it could be . God sure is good.

Elyse's new discovery is that there is life beyond the crib bumpers. The first time she pulled them down and saw beyond those confining crib rails she literally laughed out loud and I could hear her squealing through the baby monitor. Who would have thought something so simple could be so entertaining?

Now she does it before falling asleep for naps and first thing when waking up, like a faithful pup pacing the perimeter of it's home it's almost as though she's double checking that everything is as it should be before nodding off. If we didn't have a video monitor I wouldn't even know she was awake but I'll see her doing this is total silence and to her delight and I tried my best to capture the cuteness yesterday.

She LOVES to eat and is getting pretty good with her sippy cup. Seeing her hold that cup makes her seem so much older. Babies sure do change fast.

On another note my first shift back at the Pregnancy Center went very well. I was concerned I wouldn't remember how to do the job correctly and was nervous about the paperwork changing a lot but things went very smoothly. It was like riding a bike and I hopped back on without any trouble. Things went great for our friends from group who were home with Elyse as well. Our friend Julie commented on how easy Elyse was and I was thankful for that.

I woke up feeling very achy and icky today so I've rested when Elyse has and although there were things to do, I haven't left the house. Hopefully this is short lived and I'll be feeling better soon.

I'm feeling rested and tired all at the same time this morning. This weekend wore me out but I got a good 8 hours of sleep last night which helped quite a bit, although 10 hours would have been a dream come true. Matt has been under the weather with a terrible cough for over a week now so he was rather tired as well.

Friday night was small group and we had a great discussion. I'm very excited to see some of the changes we hope to put into practice as a group doing life together and I'm sensing characteristics being stirred in me that I didn't even realize were there. I'm really looking forward to what the next several months have in store for us as a group but even just in me personally.

Saturday I went to a close friends baby shower and while watching her open those pink packages I felt like it had been years since I had done that myself. It all seems like so long ago and who I was then is completely different than who I am now. I'm not that much older or even much wiser, I simply became a mom and it's amazing how different that made my world and my perspective of it. It was a beautiful shower and I have a feeling I ate my weight in fudge, it was just so good.

Several weeks ago through his firm Matt was able to get us seats at Sojourn™ - La Dolce Vita, WEDU's annual big fundraising gala. Matt was still feeling pretty sick but these were pricey seats paid for by someone else so we knew we needed to go. He had also already rented a tux and I borrowed a friends floor length gown so he took a shot of DayQuil and away we went. It was absolutely incredible. I had never felt more out of place in my entire life but the experience was amazing. Decor that transported you right to the heart of Italy, tuxes, ball gowns, tiaras and fancy cars along with local television stars and sports celebrities made up the scene. There were so many forks, glasses and plates at our seats I wasn't sure which went with what and when to eat with what fork but with Matt's help I figured it out just fine. I don't consider myself one for "frills". A movie on the couch in my favorite pajama pants suits me just fine but every now and then I can definitely appreciate a gem of an evening. We even did a little dancing before his DayQuil wore off and we headed home. A couple from our small group watched Elyse for us and the evening went well for them also which was of course an added bonus.

I was supposed to work Sunday but Matt and I felt it was best for me to be around to help him with Elyse since he wasn't feeling well. It's a good thing too because he tried his hardest to take care of her in the morning and he did great but he was back in bed by 1o am and napped for a little while. As busy as he has been lately I'm thankful I was home so he could do that and get the rest he needed before facing another crazy week. We visited his dad and family for a few hours on Sunday because Matt's great aunt Mary was down from Georgia with her son and daughter-in-law. I had never met any of them before and I'm so glad I was able to. After doing some math aunt Mary pointed out that Elyse is the first Borrack girl in 51 years. I knew there weren't many girls in Matt's family but I didn't realize it had been that long. Of course Elyse was special before I knew that but something about it was just so neat to me. Maybe it's because I came from a house full of girls but I just love seeing all those men go ga-ga over my little girl. There is such a genuine love and sweetness to it and I think it's awesome that Elyse gets to experience that.

That brings us to today. I am VERY excited about today. I am going back to the pregnancy center for the first time in 8 months this afternoon. I can hardly believe it's been that long but I'm thrilled about it. Because of child care issues I'm starting out for just a few hours once a month to help with ultrasounds and if it works out for me to go back more often (which I'm hoping) then I definitely will. It is certainly a ministry I'm passionate about and strongly believe in so to be a part of it again is wonderful.

After our busy weekend and the plans this evening Elyse will have had 3 baby sitters in 4 days. That is definitely a new record and so far she has done great and I'm confident this evening will go just as well. I'm always a little nervous when I leave Elyse simply because I'm away from her but doing my best to ensure our child would adapt well to those situations was important to me and, knock on wood, I truly feel like those measures have paid off. Feeling secure in the people I trust her with and confident in the child that Elyse is while I'm away has become something I take a little pride in. Our friends that watched her Saturday night said they had never seen a baby go to bed so easily and that made me proud because getting here had it's moments for sure. Maybe I had absolutely nothing to do with it but I like to think that I did. You can really see how long her hair is finally getting in this picture. Maybe all the bows I put in her hair distract from that ;).

I was buying a card for a friends baby shower and this one brought tears to my eyes:

"Things you'll soon discover with your baby girl...

That raising your own princess beats any fairy tale.

That a lot of great big people can be wrapped around one tiny finger.

That a toothless smile can light up the world like instant sunshine.

That watching her sleep is (sometimes) more satisfying that finding sleep yourself.

And most of all......that there is no greater joy than having a little girl to love."

I couldn't have said it better myself. Babies are such wonderful blessings but in looking for a card that amazing feeling of anticipation resurfaced. There is something so special about the wait to meet that little mysterious person that wreaks havoc within you. I'm so happy for her.

It's starting to sink in

I'm His Elyse. I've said it before and people have used this analogy in the past but I think I'm finally starting to grasp the concept.


Parents know exactly what I'm going to attempt to describe and since it's something so hard to explain, so hard to wrap your mind around you just simply have to feel it to know and experience it but I'm going to try anyway.

Elyse has no idea how much she is loved, not the faintest clue. Most of her concern lies with her basic needs being met. From what I can tell she has no concept of appreciation or what it means to be thankful. In the past couple of months I've worried about my milk supply and with efforts and intervention I've been able to keep it up for her. It hasn't always been easy but I want that for her and I'll do everything I'm capable of to give her that. I take some time out each week to make her baby food and after a weekend of feeding her the jar stuff I'm definitely going to keep doing it. She doesn't know. She doesn't care. She would drink any milk and eat any food but my heart's desire is to give her the best I'm capable of. I'm not perfect. I once fed her rice that wasn't cooked all the way and I think I introduced thicker puree's earlier than what is recommended. I've given her too little and then too much fiber. I struggle with finding the balance of getting out and about but still being home for her naps to ensure she gets the adequate sleep her rapidly growing and changing body needs. I try my best to keep her from getting too hot or too cold and making sure she is clean and dry. To the best of my ability she is safe and comfortable in her crib, car seat or playing throughout the day. Out of genuine concern and a deep maternal love so much of my efforts, concern and time revolve around her basic needs and she doesn't have a clue.

Then there are the not so basic needs. The times I rock her while reading a book or snuggle her just because she's there. With the amount of kisses her sweet little cheeks get each day you would think they would become chapped. I perform a circus just to see that gummy grin and hear that belly laugh. I thrive on knowing she feels happy and secure. I calm her when she's upset and pick her up when she falls. I try my hardest to make her feel safe when I can tell a situation makes her uneasy. I would love to constantly be at her side but I love her enough to give her that space to explore and discover, even if it means bumping her head from time to time. I would love to prevent every tear or pain but I love her enough to realize these things are necessary but I'm still there to wipe each salty drop. I'm never far, even if she can't see me. As much as I love her she can't always get her way and even at just 7 months of age there are times that require parental firmness. Each day is full of choices and obstacles but more than anything else, love. I am head over heels madly in love with that miraculous little girl.

She is a squirmy little thing who does not like to be cuddled but recently she has started to give hugs. It usually happens when she first wakes up or is getting tired. She will wrap her soft little arms around your neck and bury her face in your shoulder, sometimes you can even feel her curl her hands into your skin as if she's trying to squeeze as hard as possible. Each time she does it I quietly hope she hangs on just a little longer. They come and go in an instant but each time she does it Matt and I just melt. The other day she hugged Matt and he said "She has no idea how much this means to me, it's the best thing ever." That comment got me thinking about my relationship with God. How often do I hug back and do I even realize what that means to Him? How many needs and desires do I dismiss that He orchestrates on a daily basis just for His little girl? He's never fed me uncooked rice or given me too much or too little of anything. His greatest gifts are likely unanswered prayers because He knows me better than I do. His efforts are great and my appreciation must seem so small. He is madly in love with me, that love is perfection, and I forget to hug back. I'm His Elyse. How incredibly awesome is that.

I'm going to go hug God now.

She did awesome!

We drove to Jupiter Saturday morning for Matt's aunt's surprise 55th birthday party and we were planning to stay until Monday. Elyse did great on the way there and despite eating and napping in the car, a 4 hour drive interrupted by a flat tire and her first ride in a tow truck she adapted, endured and was a happy baby girl. She even handled all the commotion that 19 people can cause and sleeping in the pack n' play very well. Apparently I was nervous over nothing because she was quite the trooper. Matt's aunt was very surprised and it was so great to see everyone. We all enjoyed a wonderful lunch together and later that evening had BBQ and cake at his aunt and uncle's house where I almost won at a game pool. We had to cut our trip short and ended up driving home on Sunday because Matt has been pretty sick and we think his dad may have caught the bug as well. We made the decision to leave in hopes of getting the guys some rest and to spare the others from germs. I knew leaving early was definitely the right thing to do but part of me was wishing we could stay. I had been looking forward to this weekend for weeks. I knew there would be multiple sets of hands around wanting to help with Elyse and I was really excited about seeing everyone and having some time to socialize. We don't typically do much for the Super Bowl either so I thought it would be exciting to be with such a large group of fun people for the game.

We arrived home Sunday afternoon and we were very tired. It has always amazed me how exhausting riding in a car can be. After unpacking and getting some laundry going we laid low the rest of the day and enjoyed spaghetti and salad as our Super Bowl dinner. Watching the game curled up together in our pajamas turned out to be the perfect fit after all.

Hurry

Throughout the last year a reoccurring lesson that has presented itself on more than one occasion is the need to slow down and not be in such a hurry. There are times I consider myself rushed, but as a whole I don't feel like someone who is always in a hurry but I know I definitely have room to improve and slow down.

Thursday evening I was driving in Tampa rush hour traffic and while at a red light I let a couple of cars over into my lane that needed to turn. We were hardly moving anyway so those two cars were not going to make a difference. I glanced in my rear view mirror and the driver behind me had her hands in the air and was visibly yelling over what I had just done. A few minutes later another (we still hadn't moved in the traffic) car pulled up next to me, rolled his window down and asked if I could leave enough space for him to pull into the shopping plaza. I smiled and told him of course I could. Well you wouldn't believe the words and gestures of the driver behind me when she saw that car pull in front of me. I'm sure she assumed I was letting him in front when in reality I was just letting him pass through. She was livid, started honking her horn and even at the distance I was I could see how visibly tense she was with her hands clenched tightly. At first I wanted to chuckle but ultimately I felt sorry for her. Her anger, words, gestures and honking got no one anywhere any faster and in the same regard nothing I did got us there any more slowly. As we finally made the turn she made a big point to press her gas and speed around me, narrowly missing my bumper. It must feel terrible to be consumed by feelings like that, I know, I've been there. It was never about traffic and it didn't happen very often but there have definitely been times my temper and emotions would get the best of me. I recognized it several years ago and have made a conscious effort ever since. It's just not worth it. Hurry, anger, being too quick to speak, letting emotions run rampant.......they are thieves. They steal joy and my joy is not theirs to take.

I genuinely hurt for her because I know what the inability to control your emotions feels like. Her emotions controlled her, she did not control them and that's a sad place to be. I was so grateful for the calm I felt in that situation. Not a calm about the traffic or my need to get somewhere (I did happen to be running late), but an overall calm knowing the situation with the traffic or the driver was just not worth getting flustered. I don't think I truly recognized how far I had come or how much ownership I finally had over myself until I saw how lost and frantic she looked and I prayed for her. You don't forget feeling like that and I'm thankful to say I can't remember the last time I did.

Or headbands

Okay, so the bows aren't staying in very well just as I anticipated. A friend of mine sent Elyse some new headbands from her site http://www.girliebows.com/ and this one is my new favorite. I met her when I took care of daughter in the NICU and every now and then she sends me goodies which we are very thankful for.























I can't put in a plug for her without mentioning a close friends website as well, http://www.littlebowpeepsbowtique.com/. Both girls make amazingly cute products and are absolutely wonderful to work with! :)

Time for bows!

I didn't expect to be getting these fake smiles for the camera quite so soon, but that is one fake smile. Perhaps she isn't as thrilled about the hair bow as I am. Her blonde hair is so fine and thin and she seems to have much more of it than what appears to the eye. I have been unable to get clip bows to stay in it and I just LOVE little girls in bows. Well today I gave it another shot and voila, it stayed! I'm sure she will figure out how to pull it out soon enough so I'm just going to enjoy it for now.

Repeat

This was the best weekend we have had in awhile. Do you ever feel like you just achieve that balance, that seamless and ripple-free flow that leaves you craving for more days just like that? If life were a CD player and this weekend were a song, I would have gladly pressed the repeat button. Some days when I know what's coming but would rather not deal with it I would love to press "skip", and other days when things seem mundane I would like to be able to press "shuffle" in hopes of adding a little spontaneity and spark to my day. But as for this weekend, the repeat button would win and it didn't necessarily look like it would turn out that way.

By the time Matt got home from work Friday I was quite disheveled. He made it home just in time to inhale some dinner and change his clothes before we needed to leave for small group. I tend to allow those nights to overwhelm me. I need to be ready, Elyse needs to be ready, dinner needs to be ready and I feel like I need to have a clean house for the sitter (silly I know). So there I go, scurrying around like crazy just to look like I have it together. It isn't just the look though, I genuinely want to have it together. I would like to figure out how to have a better flow for evenings like that and I'm going to work on it. Even if I don't perfect it, I can always change my attitude over the fact that it wasn't all together. However, it was far from together that night.

Matt's hours have been long, very long and it appears the traveling may pick up again too. I could have really used a hand Friday night and although I knew he got home the soonest he could, it wasn't in time to save me from drowning in my own sea of expectations. I try very hard to support Matt and encourage him. His job is a blessing and I know that, but the seemingly endless long hours got the best of me on Friday and with tear-filled eyes I expressed it. I'm glad we talked about it and although things probably won't change right away I feel better just knowing he knows. I try not to that to him. His job is very demanding and clients always seem to want such in such done yesterday even if he just got the information today. It's a career of deadlines, pressure and as a friend would say, "cranky suits". Cranky suits sums it up just about right to me and knowing that he faces those suits all day long I try my hardest not to be the "cranky sweats" at home. Our home is not a place for that. I will not allow it to be a place for that. This needs to be his soft place to land, a place of rest and solace where the worries of corporate demands and cranky suits can be politely left at the door and he is very good at that. He handles the stress, hours and demands beautifully. I admire his ability to separate the two worlds and be 100% present when he is home with us and the last thing he needs is added pressure from me about things that simply cannot be changed right now.

We made it to small group in one piece and later on in the evening I was able to honestly and openly share what had just occurred. I love our group. I love that we feel comfortable enough to do that. To be doing life together vulnerable and open is such a blessing and I'm realizing more and more why God desires us to be in community with one another. Proverbs 27:17 (As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another) becomes so apparent in those situations.

Saturday rolled around and we were both able to go to the gym in the morning which is our favorite way to start the day when possible. Then my mom arrived to watch Elyse while we worked with Hope Builds Homes to help in assembling 4 homes for families in our area who are currently homeless. It was raining pretty heavily and we only carried a little lumber and hammered a few nails but witnessing the whole thing was incredible. We arrived for the afternoon shift to the smell of lumber and the sound of hammers who's mission of constructing a home was being achieved just one nail at a time. Seeing bible verses written in marker on what would become the interior walls of homes for people who likely haven't had much hope lately was inspiring. They may never read the scriptures on those planks but the Word of God will reside in those walls and the prayers that anointed those beams will forever be a part of its construction. There were men, women, children and teens. 543 people came out that day and despite how thin our time can be stretched I'm so glad we went and I hope we can be involved in more things like this in the future.

Despite the rain and because of the large number of volunteers the projects were completed ahead of schedule and since we had a sitter we did a little shopping before coming home. We spent some time with my mom and Elyse before showering and getting dressed for our date night. I hadn't taken a shower without a baby monitor or actual baby in the bathroom in quite some time and I enjoyed the ability to linger in the warm water longer than usual. We were able to buy a $50 gift certificate for $20 at Catch 23 so that's where we ate dinner. It was also where we had our first actual date so any time we make it back there it's a treat. It's amazing how slow we pace our way through dinner when it's just the two of us now. We took our time with the banana bread, followed by the seared ahi tuna appetizer and caesar salads before our main course. I had the macadamia encrusted Sea Bass which was amazing. Before heading home we stopped by a nearby new Irish restaurant/pub to see what it was like and got into bed a little after 11pm. It was a wonderful day with a balance of service, family, food, and time together. Anytime I can get all of that seamlessly mixed into one well-balanced day I am grateful.

I always appreciate the slow pace of Sundays and the calm it allows me to feel before the storm of Monday arrives. After church we went out to lunch and went to the mall after Elyse's nap. I baked some chicken wings which turned out pretty good and we topped off the night with a movie and ice cream on the couch. The added bonus was that Elyse went to bed at 6:45pm last night and didn't get up until after 8am today which gave me 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. There is no better way to start the week and I'm going to need it because I'm usually quite disheveled again by Friday.

Dishes are done and I'm in the middle of several loads of laundry. Next will be the grocery store and tidying up around the house. Mondays are always chore filled days for me but after a weekend like this one, I don't mind at all.