A little too excited

Today welcomed me with gorgeous weather.....it finally felt like fall, well sorta, it felt like Florida fall at least. The weather combined with my recently purchased cinnamon broom brought a whole new feeling to the house and I love it! I got so excited by the cool air and nice breeze that I dressed Elyse in a little fall outfit and put on jeans and a sweater myself. It wasn't long before we were both sweating. Silly me. I changed before we went to lunch with the girls where the weather was perfect for eating outside and I really enjoyed that. Hopefully this front will linger awhile longer because I finally feel ready to get out my fall decorations....wherever they are.

Back to work

Saturday was my first day back to work as a nurse. I hadn't worked at UCH since some time in May and I was nervous. I was nervous I wouldn't remember how to do my job. I was nervous I wouldn't have enough time to pump. I was nervous for Matt at home with Elyse for 14 hours without me. I was nervous I would be too exhausted to see the day through. I was nervous I wouldn't like my job as much as I had in that past because I had greater priorities at home. When I tip-toed out of the house at 6am and as I leaned over my daughters dark, quiet crib to kiss her goodbye I shed a tear. What was I thinking? I can't do this. I'm not ready to do this. I belong here with her.

Then I reminded myself why I was doing this. I wanted to keep my license active, have a "day off" from caring for Elyse, have a chance to socialize, give Matt and Elyse some one on one time, and to earn a little extra money. Outside of actually having to leave that morning, I was very excited about returning.


On my way to work I was notified that I wasn't needed in my unit and I was being sent to pediatrics. Great. I haven't worked pediatrics in over a year. I feel very uncomfortable donning those shoes and I began to dread the day ahead of me.


Once I got there the day started off well. I was given patients I was comfortable with and got right back into the groove of things much better than expected. I tried to help the other nurses when I could. Later in the day I dressed in a sterile gown and gloves and walked into a room to push drugs for another nurse and this frail little girl with the biggest puppy dog eyes popped up in the bed and said..."who are you?". She has been so sick for so long and in the hospital so often that I stuck out like a sore thumb to her. I told her my name and that I normally work somewhere else. She said "you have a scary name." I said, "Yes, I suppose I do. It's from the Little Mermaid and I used to get made fun of for it a lot, but I like my name now." We began to talk and my heart crumbled into pieces with each word she spoke. I could hardly pay attention to the conversation because my new maternal heart saw her tiny frame, sunken eyes, thinning hair, and IV's and oxygen galore. As other staff wandered in and out for various things she would request settings to be adjusted on her oxygen, she would put in treatment requests if someone happened to speak to the doctor. This was her life and for some reason she wanted to talk to me about it. She told me how she had been sick since she was 4 months old. She said, "You know how kids picked on you for your name....I always got picked on too because I was sick all the time and they thought I was contagious but I'm not." Part of me thinks she told me that just to make sure I knew I was safe to be in there. I felt like a monster dressed in my gown and gloves. I wanted to strip down to street clothes and hold her. I wanted to talk to her for hours just to give her company, yet at the same time, I knew if I stayed a moment longer I would burst into tears. She's often alone she tells me, because her parents have to work so hard to cover the years of hospital bills. She explains how sometimes she likes to be in the hospital because she gets exhausted trying to care for herself at home while everyone is working. This was her life and it was all she knew. There was so much she had never and will never experience. Best case scenario she's got a few more years. I can't put it into adequate words, but she broke my heart.

The worst part was how a few doors down there can be another patient, so badly abused by his mother that his long-term cognition is questionable. I'll spare the details, but that floor is filled with stories like this. Terminal illnesses stealing lives, abused children longing for a face they can trust, children who are vegetables because someone looked away a little too long when there was a pool nearby. It's not just down the corridors of that hospital, it's everywhere and I didn't realize until Saturday how numb I'd become. I knew these things happened. I hear the stories and I watch the news, but it hadn't stared me in the face like this in a very long time, if ever. The sad story was sitting up in bed looking into my eyes and talking to me. I couldn't look away, I couldn't change the channel, I couldn't pretend I didn't see or hear and it hurt.

I needed to go to work that day. I needed to be pulled out of my glass bubble of a life where a bad day consists of chores undone and a baby who fights naps. I get moody if I haven't had enough sleep and frustrated when things aren't going as they should. I get anxious over ridiculous things and discouraged at the tiniest of failures. Saturday showed me how consumed I have gotten living in my tidy, secure, comfortable corner of the world. No....it's better than that. My life is amazing. It is absolutely incredible. I have undoubtedly, undeniably been blessed beyond measure. Bible study this week talked about the intent Jesus has to give us an abundant, full life (John 10:10) and I was once again reminded of how very much I've been given and how much I am loved.

On my drive home I tried over and over to figure out the "whys" of that day. Why that little girl? Why anyone? How can a mother abuse her own baby? The world seemed dark. People seemed cold. Life seemed unfair. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into my bubble, hold my healthy baby girl and hug my incredible husband. I wanted to forget that day, those stories, and her sad, dying face. I desperately wanted to understand God's plan behind it all, but I knew I couldn't. All I knew was His promise that He works all things together for good for those who love Him........His watchful eye was over this, as it is everything, and I had to trust that.

I undressed in the garage and threw my clothes and shoes immediately in the washer and promptly got in the shower. I had also cared for kids sick with the flu or pneumonia that day and I didn't want those bugs in my house but in hind-sight, I think I was trying to wash the day away and cleanse myself of the lingering sadness that was clinging to me.

I'm thankful I went to work that day, I needed that reminder and I'm disappointed in myself that that's what it took, but I got the message loud and clear and I'm looking forward to the two times a month I'll be returning.

On a lighter, side note, things at home went well. Matt and Elyse did just fine and I honestly believe it was a great experience for all of us. My mom baby-sat for her Friday while we went to small group, Matt had her all day Saturday, and Sunday she was in the nursery during service again. I prayed for a baby sitter and was answered much faster than I ever expected (turns out the sitter was praying for a family to baby sit) and she'll be watching Elyse in the near future. I can already tell that learning to let go a little is helping me be the best mother I can be and it's also helping me not get so lost and consumed by the 4 walls of my own life, and I need that. Thank you God.

Soda or no soda

Matt and I have always had a "budget", but until Elyse was here, it was a rather lose budget compared to how we manage things now. I whole-heartedly agree with and support our budget for numerous reasons. Anything we purchase has a category and a limit and my personality likes that. It may sound odd to some, but it works perfectly for our family and I'm very thankful we have it, but today it made me want to say..."Ahhhhhh!".

I was about to leave to meet the girls from group for lunch at Tijuana Flats but I hadn't had my normal morning can of soda yet. So I began to wager in my mind if I should drink one now (no, I had just brushed my teeth), order one there (they are so over-priced, but I really do enjoy it with my meal although water will do just fine), or bring my own can with me from home (no, then I would look REALLY cheap and it's probably rude to the restaurant). I thought about it the entire drive over there.....to order a soda or not to order a soda, yes, no, yes, no.....

Once I arrived and got to my seat I still hadn't made up my mind when the waitress came and asked me what I wanted to drink. Ahhhh! Here it is, the big moment and without thinking any further, I just blurted out "I'll have a diet coke, thank you." Phew, *sigh*, it was over and the decision was made.....thank goodness. Well, I then proceeded to drink my diet coke along with 2 refills...simply because I paid for it when there is no way I should have had that much soda. The lesson I learned in hindsight is that I didn't need to get the soda at all, water is much better for me and it's free, and I can drink my personal can of soda once I get home.

This is what the budget has done to me. It's not that it's so tight that I really have to worry about the cost of a soda, it's just caused me to think that much more about each and every dollar I spend, where it's going, and why. It's funny how much thought I put into a soda versus other things that I don't bat an eyelash about. I think it's because a soda is here and then gone, it's dispensable. The caffeine temporarily and falsely rejuvenates me, but has no lasting effect on my life or my day. Now, a new pair of shoes or an occasional pampering pedicure.....that's money well spent!

Yes, I apparently still have a long way to go but I'm learning, I'm trying, and I think my accountant husband is rather pleased with my efforts.

Feeling guilty

Despite our best efforts and every precaution we could think of, Elyse left our weekend at the beach with rosy cheeks. We have no idea how it happened. We kept her in the shade and had a sun hat on her. Our best guess is that sun reflected off of the sand or water and colored her precious face. It didn't seem very severe and I quickly promised myself and her that it wouldn't happen again and next time we would be even more careful. Well, today when I got her out of her crib in the morning I noticed her skin was actually peeling a little. This stung me to the point I almost cried. All I could think of was how much trouble Matt has with his skin, his family history of skin cancer, and the scars from numerous biopsies that he's had over the years. My daughter is only 3 months old and she's officially had her first sun burn and it's all my fault. Not to mention I nicked her pinkie while trimming her nails last night, and yes, I drew blood. After I comforted her painful cry I decided not to attempt to trim anymore of her nails last night.....now she has a scratch across her nose from her nails that are too long. I know I'm a new mom and these things happen, but how do you build confidence to tackle these challenges without getting so discouraged by the set backs? Every time I look at her precious, peeling, scratched little face it reminds me that I failed her and it hurts.

The scariest part for me is that I know this is only the beginning. The hurts and heartaches experienced through my child will be here for the rest of my life and I'm quickly learning that I know I won't get it all right. I know I'll fail her and let her down on more than one occasion. I've learned that despite my best intentions, things will go wrong. Blisters, bruises, bumps, and boo boo's are only the beginning. In lieu of all of this, she will be loved unconditionally. When my parental esteem is lacking I know I can confidently cover her in prayer and place her in God's hands when my arms don't seem to be doing the job. I know already I will need to do this daily because my greatest efforts are nothing without Him and as long as I can convey that to her, I know we'll be doing alright.

Here are just a couple of pictures from our weekend at the beach. We were definitely given gorgeous weather and some breath-taking sunsets. We weren't sure exactly how the weekend would go since it was our first trip with Elyse, but we kept our expectations reasonable and were more than pleased with how the entire weekend went. Elyse was more than tolerable of such a drastic change in her environment which allowed everyone to enjoy it to the fullest. Throughout the weekend we had a total of about 10 different friends with their kids stop by and hang out on the beach for awhile which made the trip just that much better.

Now it's back to reality with pictures, memories, and sun-kissed skin as a reminder of the fun we had to help me face the dirty laundry and sand that's lingering in our bags. Everyday life met me from and center at my bedroom door. The cat got sick, the refrigerator is empty, the dishwasher is full....yet it's somehow always so good to be home, wrapped in the comfort of your own sheets.

Happy 29th Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday, so yesterday all 3 of us girls along with her 3 grand-daughters got together at her house to spend some time with her.

We didn't manage to get a picture with all of us, but here she is with the grand kids. The facial expressions on each of the kids faces are priceless...although very camera cooperative, I don't think it thrilled any of them.

Since as long as I can remember my mom has been turning 29, so happy 29th again mom ;)!

Decisions

Friday was a rather overwhelming day for me. I talked to several friends about different sleep issues their children faced at different ages, the joys of potty training, and the heartache of discipline. I have one friend going through some very rough times with her toddler and it scares me to be facing those same things one day. I was baking some cookies for small group that afternoon when Elyse decided to fight her nap and since I was side tracked by her the cookies burnt. Get the idea? Toddler horror stories, screaming baby, burnt cookies, and trying to get things together to go to small group. By the time Matt got home I was near tears for no good reason.

We made it to group in one piece and it went very well. Elyse was a good girl through the whole thing, but it was hard for me to pay attention while trying to take care of her and it reminded me of my recent convictions. Matt and I love going to group, but it's hard now that Elyse is getting older. We have 3 options.....keep bringing her (which throws off her nightly routine, distracts us, and keeps her up too late), stop going, or find a sitter. None of the options are easy but I feel now more than ever that we need to prioritize this area of our life and I'm committed to making it happen....somehow. I've sent emails, made phone calls, and asked around to try to find a sitter to commit to every other Friday evening and it's hard. How old does a sitter need to be to baby sit a 3 month old? Is middle school too young? High school? Should we only try to find people by word of mouth or personally referenced or is it safe to hang something at a local college with what we're looking for? What is the going rate for sitters? Can we afford to continually pay someone, but more importantly can we afford not too?

I promised myself months and months ago that we would be husband and wife first and this is just the first of many things that will require us to put forth the effort to ensure that happens. I've been putting it off, hoping the problem would somehow take care of itself, but after hearing a wonderful message about wisdom I was reminded that this is my responsibility. We have the God given wisdom of prioritizing our marriage, fellowship with our group, and growth through the studies, but the wisdom does us no good without action to make sure it happens. It's the same with my health, our finances, and my relationships....I know what I need to do and should be doing and if I choose to neglect that, later on I'll only have myself to blame when I face the consequences of my decisions now.

It starts with choices and a decision and I'm deciding now to make this happen for us.

With everything that happened Friday, on Sunday I decided it was time for Elyse to go to the church nursery. We've been bringing her into the services with us, but again, although she's a good baby, neither of us pay attention like we should. I dropped her off and allowed myself to shed one lone tear as I handed her over the baby gate to the nursery volunteer. My maternal heart wanted to tell her 101 things about my baby and what she likes and doesn't like. Realizing she would only been in there for a little over an hour I casually mentioned that Elyse likes the swing and left it at that. Baby pager in tow I held my head high as I entered the sanctuary where I sang like I've never sung before and listened as though the message was just for me. It was a wonderful, needed change and a decision I'm glad I finally made. Not only did Elyse survive, but she slept the entire time....in the swing of course ;).

Purposeful Singing

For some reason Elyse has decided she likes my singing. I'll lean over her little face and start singing any random song and she just grins so big. She'll pull her fists in tight to her face, almost as though she's trying to smile with her entire body, and she'll just sit there and listen. When I pause during the song she will make every effort to muster up a tune of her own back to me. It's so cute because you can tell she has to focus so hard to share this purposeful sound with me. It made me think of another post I made while I was pregnant. I had to dig back in the archives to January to find it....it seems like so long ago.

I read through multiple older posts to find the one I was looking for and reading through them quickly took me back to that time in our lives where we were awaiting the arrival of our baby, not even knowing her gender yet. As I scanned the multiple posts, topics, and feelings, I became very grateful that I blog and have those entries to reflect back on. The other thing it pointed out to me was how close I was to God then, how dependent I was on Him. I turned to Him for everything and lifted every care or concern into His loving hands and now I can look back clearer than before and see that He took care of each and every one of them. In hind-sight I'm sure my reliance increased out of the lack of control I had over everything that was going on. Giving up the pilot seat to God in life has always been hard and has always been a power struggle of control for me and back then, I had no choice. There was a child forming inside my body and I had no control over the outcome but more dreams and fears than I'd ever known, so I turned to Him. It was a process of months and months but I remember feeling closer to God in those final days of my pregnancy than I ever had in my life because I truly surrendered to His will and He took such very good care of me.

I just kept reading post after post and I feel like I don't even know the girl who wrote those things and felt those feelings. I've drifted. As I sit and type I'm trying to muster up excuses and reasons, but each time I think of something I know it's a futile attempt to cover up something I need to take ownership for. I'm the one who moved and I'm sorry. He is the rubber gripper on the soles of my life and without Him, .....well....it's just plain slippery and that much more likely that I'll fall. One slip leads to another and before I know it I've experienced a slow fade of far greater magnitude than it ever initially looked like.

Our small group exercise this week is in conjunction with Psalm 139 and the study guide prompts us to engage in three transforming prayers....search me, stretch me, lead me. I asked Him to search me and point out any offensive way in me....I didn't think I heard an answer but today I hear it loud and clear. He promises to leave the 99 in search of the one.....He sought me out through the grin of my daughter at my singing and is pulling me back. I've drifted, He's never moved an inch....I'm so thankful for that.

For Labor Day we ended up going over to Mark and Kathy's house for the afternoon. My car has been running funny lately and we decided to leave it with him to have his shop look at it before the problem becomes consistent or worsens. It's 10 years old with 147K miles on it and we've been fortunate that we haven't ever had any major issues with it. I'm thankful it has served us so well and I hope to continue to be able to drive it since it's paid for and I really do still like it. This has left Elyse and I without a car for hopefully not more than a couple of days, but we welcome the excuse to stay in. I have dinner in the crock pot and the house is well on it's way to being tidy after the busy weekend....it's a good day!

This is a picture of Elyse with her great-grandmother, Oma. I'm so thankful she's gotten to spend time with her....not many people even get to meet their great grandparents.

I'm shiny.........she's just plain cute. This is a newer pair of pj's I got her within the last couple of weeks. She's just gotten too long for her newborn sized ones. I went through her dresser drawers a little today and took out thing that I've been holding onto, but really just don't fit. I love to see her growing, changing, and thriving, but with each ounce she gains and every inch she grows I'm saddened just a little at how fast it's happening.

For the first time this weekend she cried hysterically, Matt and I could tell something was really wrong. It was a painful cry, a cry of desperation. She couldn't tell us what was wrong and we couldn't figure it out...it broke our hearts. It went on for 30 to 45 minutes and I think she had bad gas or some sort of stomach pains. She finally gave in to exhaustion and has seemed to be fine ever since. When my mom and her husband showed up to babysit, we were right in the middle of the episode and I wondered if there would be any way I was going to be able to leave her. Matt and I knew there was no way we could leave her like that and we were so thankful she settled and fell asleep before we left. Knowing she was resting peacefully enabled us to enjoy our date night to the fullest. Last night's dinner was only the 3rd meal I've ever eaten away from Elyse and it was wonderful. We had a coupon and a gift card for Roy's, so that's where we went and it was delicious. Our anniversary isn't for another month, but since we won't be dining anywhere that fancy anytime soon we told them we were celebrating it last night and they took very good care of us. It was wonderful to be waited on for a change and Matt and I always enjoy getting a little dressed up for each other....we had so much fun!

Elyse is a different baby this weekend than she was last weekend. She definitely has had a week of developmental discoveries...she has discovered her legs and loves to kick her toys now. She tells us "stories" and her smiles are responsive. I love this picture...she is focusing so hard on her toys, almost as if she's saying, "If I could just make my hand grab that.....". Different noises startle her, where nothing really used to. Matt was holding Elyse when he had to scold our cat Mandy the other day and Elyse pouted and whimpered at the change in his tone. I have a feeling when he uses his big, mean daddy voice to scold Elyse later in life she will know he means business.

My mom and her husband are coming to babysit while Matt and I go out for our first date night since she was born nearly 11 weeks ago. I'm excited and nervous, but the excitement far outweighs my nerves and I think everyone will have a good time.

Expectations

So today was the long awaited MOPS registration and first meeting which I had been greatly looking forward to. I'm glad I went and I hope to form some new, lasting friendships with other women in similar situations with a common faith. We did some ice breakers, made some crafts, and got to know each other a little bit....no sparks flew and no play date is scheduled, in fact nothing is scheduled until next month. I think I went into it expecting too much for the first meeting. I don't know exactly what I expected, like I would be leaving there laughing and exchanging stories with my new best friend on our way to lunch or something. I think I was just so ready for an outlet that I thought things would go differently than they did. I tend to do this to myself in so many areas...it's pathetic actually. I'll create these grandiose ideas in my head of the way I think something will go and then I'm let down or discouraged when it doesn't go like I thought. The worst part is that nothing leads me to believe that things will be that way, just my own silly fantasies. I guess it's the dreamer in me or the side of me that always looks for the positive...either way I need to learn to appreciate certain things simply for what they are, not what I think they should be or hoped they would be. If I truly think something should be different than it is I need to do something about it, not just sigh and wish it would have been better.

Side note....I had the second and last step in placing my new crown on my tooth today and I am thoroughly displeased with our dentist. He never said two words to me, just slapped on the crown and went about his business. This is also where I waited for 3 hours 2 weeks ago. I don't like that, then again maybe I expected too much. That day that I waited 3 hours and was discouraged with how distracted I allow myself to become I spent some good time with God that evening and He showed me something. He pointed out to me that although I had to wait and although the people weren't the most polite, I made sure to be understanding and forgiving. He helped me recall my actions that day and I actually did go out of my way to make sure that they knew I wasn't upset and I understood that these things happen. I waited patiently and spoke kindly....it didn't go unnoticed in that office or by God. I felt so much better when He showed that to me...no matter what I'm doing, I'm serving. I don't always do well, in fact, more often than not I do poorly, but this simple, subtle example reminded me to put Him in the small stuff because He sees. No effort is wasted, each and every victory over the flesh is a battle won for Him and that is never insignificant no matter how small it feels to me.