Unsure

This is Elyse's "unsure" face.

I want to tuck this away in my memory bank and save it.....

I was just using the little hand held vacuum to clean up some crumbs near Elyse. I don't think I've ever used that vacuum so close to her and you could tell she was unsure of the contraption making such loud noises. She glanced quickly at the vacuum and then stared intently at me. I could tell by her expression that since she didn't know what to make of it, she was relying on my response to make an assessment. I just smiled at her and spoke in a soothing voice as I continued to vacuum right next to her. She stared a little longer and as I continued to reassure her she slowly smiled as well. I love that. I love the innocent trust she places in me. Some things she knows she likes, some things she knows she doesn't, and she will tell you. It's all those things still left out there that are yet to be discovered and she relies on me to help filter those for her. I know it's somewhat short lived, but oh so sweet. I hope I make a good filter.

I've had this saved for awhile now and just haven't posted it. It seemed a little too personal and wasn't sure if it was something meant to be shared openly. I love stumbling upon verses that help me through things like this, and just maybe someone else could use the verse too. I'll post the one I found today at the bottom.

Planet Mom and Planet Me......that is the theme of Harborside MOPS this year. The goal is to help women bridge the gap, or rather separate the two areas of self and mommy-hood. Although I am a mom, I am still me....make sense? Anyway, last MOPS meeting caused me to think. One of the questions I was asked was where I got my affirmations from before I was a mom and where I get my affirmations now, and that really got my wheels turning. I'm someone who thrives on affirmation. I often doubt myself tremendously and have a lot of insecurities so affirmation means a lot to me. Matt pointed out that he thinks that's part of the reason I enjoy blogging so much. I can write all day long. I enjoy it and I find it therapeutic. I can be open, honest, and sometimes bold. I don't have many reservations when I write and my insecurities vanish because it's just me and the computer screen. But when I'm face to face with someone or on the phone I'm often tongue tied and have a hard time trying to think of what I want to say, if it's the right thing to say, how it will sound, if it's worth saying, and if I can handle it being criticized if it's not. With all that going through my mind I often keep quiet or feel like I didn't truly express what my heart wanted to say. I've been complimented several times by different people on my blogging and it made me feel good that even just one person gets something out of things I write every now and then. I express myself better when I write than when I speak and I didn't realize that until Matt pointed it out. I'm not sure what that means, if anything, but it's interesting none the less. Wow....I got side-tracked with that thought....back to affirmations, how I need them, and where I get them.



I used to serve. I used to look at the care I gave NICU babies and their parents as service. I wasn't always chipper and I was far from perfect, but I tried to always give it my best. Those parents never chose me or the NICU as part of their birth plan but they didn't have much choice but to trust me with their child and I never took that lightly. I was often able to experience and see the fruition of days, weeks, or months that babies and their parents had to spend there and I got affirmation through that. I loved the feedback, cards, emails, pictures, etc that I would get.......mostly I loved the hugs and emotion filled "thank yous". It made me feel wonderful and it was truly such an honor to be part of such a milestone in so many people's lives. I may not have led anyone in the salvation prayer or invited them all to church but I knew I was serving. I was 17 when I knew I was called to help babies. After working in the NICU for several years that calling took on new form. I came to realize that if I wanted to help babies, the best thing I could do for them was help their parents and I was led into the pregnancy crisis ministry. My previously earned RN license allowed me to assist with sonograms to show abortion minded women the miracle being fearfully and wonderfully made just beneath their skin. If I didn't pray with them, I prayed for them. I was allowed to talk about God there, pour out scripture, and offer my testimony. One on one in the confines of a small room women, some mere girls, would pour their hearts out. Greatest fears, wildest dreams, tear streaked cheeks longing for something to put hope in. Some wanted to talk for hours, others hardly said a word, but none left there without hearing about the love, hope, and promise of a savior. Some would comment on how safe it felt there, how secure, how there was just something different within those 4 walls. They felt listened to, heard for the very first time, and I like to think what they often felt was love, God's love. There wasn't always a happy ending and not everyone was receptive, but undeniably lives were changed and babies were saved. It was such an honor to see God work through that ministry and I felt so thankful to have been a part of it. I miss it. I miss it a lot.


That's where I got my affirmation. I felt purposeful, productive, and impactful, now I don't have that. Yes I serve my husband and my daughter, but it's not the same to me. Thinking of planet me and planet mom once again resurfaced how much I miss it. Can I derive enough affirmation and satisfaction in staying at home? In even wondering that, am I too concerned about me and not what really matters? Do I just need more time to adjust to such a drastic change in the way I'm serving, because after all, Who I'm serving hasn't changed? Am I discounting what I do at home or am I using it as an excuse not to try harder to find a way to do both?



I sought out a sitter to watch Elyse every other Monday evening for a few hours so I could still put some time in at the center and each over turned stone was empty underneath. However, I have not exhausted every resource and I'm sure if I truly wanted to MAKE it happen, I could. I was hoping that it would fall into place on it's own and since it hasn't I'm not quite sure what to do. The more I pray about it I'm getting the feeling that I'm not supposed to go back yet. I'm sensing that this time away is being used to refine me, search me, stretch me, and eventually lead me. In my time away and with the other changes in our lives I've let areas slide and my spiritual life has suffered. I've been ashamed by convictions and instead of repenting, surrendering, and finding comfort under the umbrella of grace I've allowed distance to inch it's way in and now I'm staring at a canyon of space before me. I've felt the separation and somehow I thought that ministry would help close the gap, and although faith without works is dead, I'm nothing without maintaining my connection with Him. I just blogged about this not too long ago and obviously I'm not getting it. I missing some major point. Just like with my cooking, I can't expect an apple orchard right now when I know I've been setting a grain of rice just beneath dry sand. I owe this area of my life so much more and it's time to get serious about it.



Elyse's first nap comes fast and early and is almost always 45 minutes. I do various things during this nap, but nothing that can't wait until later. I'm deciding right now that time no longer belongs to me. No more reasons, no more excuses, no more putting it off. Ask me about it, stay on me about it, keep me in check, support me, and hold me accountable.......pretty please.


"There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good." (1 Corinthians 12:4-7)

I likely have other gifts and other ways to serve. I need to be hung up less on what I used to do and more concerned with what He wants me to be doing now. My affirmation needs to come from knowing that I give my daily life to Him, that I involve Him in decisions large and small, and consult Him when I'm uncertain what to do or doubting what I've done. I feel more affirmed already!

Ammo

I read this today and it spoke to me....."O believer, when, under great temptation, you fear that you shall one day fall by the hand of the enemy, let this reassure you. You will never lose your spiritual life, for it is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3).
It made me think of a fear that would creep up from time to time. I haven't had this fear in awhile, but now I feel like I have the perfect armor to go against it should it ever creep up again.....that feels good.
I don’t doubt the immortality of my God; therefore, I should never question this for myself, since I am one with Him. My life is His life, and of that I can be sure, so I rest in my living Lord.

Friday: cleaned house, small group
Saturday: successful bargain shopping all day
Sunday: worked 12 hours
Monday: doctor's appointment, laundry, grocery store
Right now.....tired and hoping for a good night's rest.

Elyse's 4 month check up went well as usual. She weighed 11 pounds 11 ounces (29%) and was 24 inches long (80%). After a thorough assessment by the pediatrician we were so thrilled to hear that she is developmentally 2 months ahead of schedule. She rolls over from front to back and back to front now so she has taken to sleeping on her stomach which makes me a little nervous. Each new milestone she reaches is bitter-sweet. It's so amazing to see her change, grow, thrive, and discover new things, but at the same time I want each sweet thing she does to last just a little longer. I take pride in seeing her become more independent and needing me less to fall asleep or seeing that the discovery of her toes is more entertaining than anything I'll ever do. It's rewarding but a little sad too because I know how much I'm going to miss each phase she passes. I watched a video a friend posted of her daughter walking and my eyes welled up with tears......it will be here before I know it and I'm just not ready. Thankfully I don't have to be just yet.

Consistent

The only thing consistent about me is my inconsistency. I have days I feel on top of the world and days I feel like the world wouldn't even know I got out of bed.

Do you ever feel like if you exercise and eat healthy for one day that you feel incredible and you look better? If you are lazy for one day and eat bad, you feel like a slob who gained 5 pounds? I do.

Wednesday I jogged 4 miles, got a lot of housework done, ate well, and felt incredible. I felt lean, healthy, and productive. Thursday I didn't do anything very active and ate out for lunch and dinner. I felt yucky by the end of the day.

If I devote specific time for reading my bible and praying I feel wonderful. I unlock and enjoy the open line of communication and the love that He has available to pour out just for me. If I don't do this, I feel distant, lost, and doubtful of decisions I'm making.

I don't consistently exercise like I should. I don't consistently eat right like I should. I don't consistently spend time in devotion like I should. I can feel it when I do and I feel it when I don't. I don't like how I feel when I don't and neglected long enough, all those areas snowball.

I want to be more consistent, I need to be more consistent, I am going to be more consistent.

Here's a story just for giggles......I was about to leave to go meet the girls for lunch when I walked into the garage to grab something. The door was blown shut by the wind and I was locked out. I don't know why the door was locked on the inside, but at that point it didn't matter. No keys, no phone, no nothing....thankfully I happened to be holding Elyse so she wasn't locked inside, that would have been really bad. I had to think fast and quickly tossed Elyse in the stroller and started booking it in my flip flops toward the next neighborhood over where I knew one of my friends would be leaving for lunch. I saw her pulling out of her neighborhood and I was still pretty far away so I started hysterically waving my hands in the air and thankfully she saw me. She had an extra car seat so I put Elyse in that and went to lunch until I could figure out what to do. Long story short I was able to get back in without Matt having to leave work and for that I'm thankful. What a day.

Last night was Bunco with a group of old friends. I didn't win anything as usual, but it was a lot of fun and Matt had one of the smoothest nights ever with Elyse, so it worked out well all around. He's going to leave work early today so the 3 of us can go visit Oma and I'm very excited about that. I enjoy going to visit Oma, but I enjoy it even more when he gets to leave early.

Chores are calling....better run!

So....I got a new chicken recipe and decided to make it last night. I chopped fresh parsley, marinated the chicken in garlic cloves and other seasonings, browned in olive oil, then baked in the oven. It wasn't very good. It looked pretty and smelled delicious, but tasted like plain old chicken breast to us. I was okay with that. It wasn't me that made the food bad, we just didn't care for the recipe and that was refreshing to realize. It didn't cause me to doubt the limited ability I have or discourage me from trying something else, and I'm glad for that.

Today Elyse and I went for a jog to Publix which is 4 miles round trip and the weather was divine. She enjoyed the stroll and the best part was a sale price combined with coupon on some new mascara made it only $1.....we were both grinning, me over the bargain and her, well, I suppose it was probably gas. After we got home the weather was so nice I decided to wash the car. I hadn't done that in a very long time and although my car is 10 years old, it was nice to see the paint that hadn't chipped shining. I like my car, I like it a lot. It serves us well, seldom causes any trouble, and it's been paid off for years. It's reliable, roomy, comfortable, and ours which are all very good reasons to keep it around for as long as it allows.

Elyse has recently found some new toys.....her ten little toes and it's adorable.

I call the next picture "spiritual"....she has her little hands clasped like she's praying and has this look on her face like "excuse me, you interrupted my prayer". These next pictures are just plain cute. Parenting is hard, exhausting, and trying. Sleep training is tedious, nights still get interrupted and naps go by all too quickly, but one little glimpse of this precious face and all is forgotten. You wouldn't believe the screams that sweet little face is capable of.