Big Baby

Two years ago this past Christmas Elyse was gifted a doll from my mom.  Elyse, just 18 months old, named the doll "Big Baby".  The doll isn't big, but to an 18 month old she probably seemed that way.  The doll cries, sucks a pacifier, makes slight facial expressions and drinks from a pretend bottle.  Big Baby sleeps with Elyse, gets pushed around in the doll stroller, has sat at the table for meals and has joined us on many a car ride.  She's special to Elyse, very.

About a year ago Big Baby's face froze in a daunting expression.  Her eyes at half-mast in an eternal pause between closed and open.  We changed the batteries and tried what we could to "revive" Big Baby, but she had cried her last cry.

I searched and searched the internet looking for a replacement.  I finally found one, brand new in box on Ebay.  It arrived quickly and was opened with such excitement we filmed it.  The old Big Baby was tossed in the garbage without any hesitation and our new Big Baby was home.

After being broken for so long, the new Big Baby was like a brand new toy.  Elyse thrived on settling her cries and insisted on bringing her along to most places, just as she has the old one.

Fast forward another year, with another walking child who also loves Big Baby but isn't quite as gentle and we have another broken Big Baby.  Something in her head rattles around and she makes this horrendous buzzing sound when she cries or drinks.  The noise started this morning.

I opened the Velcro of her outfit and tried replacing the batteries in case they were just running low.  It was then that I noticed a small part of her neck was cracked and her head wasn't secured very tightly.  This allowed me to actually pull of her head and look inside at the little plastic wheels and wires that gave Big Baby so much expression.  The plastic wheels continued to grind making that awful sound and I didn't have clear enough view or access to fix that.  However, I was able to remove the free-floating plastic piece which helped a little.  I prodded some more, attempting to gain better view of whatever was making that awful noise and "snap".  There went the rest of Big Baby's neck attachment.  I tried super glue which worked temporarily but it didn't help at all.  I had tired too hard to fix Big Baby, I made things worse.  Soon I would be picking up a 3 year old from school and when she went to pick up her treasured doll she would be greeted with a slumped head and buzzing gears, and after the last break in her I caused, another rattling free-floating piece of plastic.

I checked Ebay again.  There's one for sale.  It's $20 with shipping and comes with a few extras.  My mom offered to take her to get a new doll since these Big Baby's don't seem to hold up to much wear and tear.

I decided to wait and see.  I debated letting Elyse know what had happened to her favorite friend but I kept silent.  She came skipping into the house, grabbed her doll and trotted off with Big Baby clutched tightly in her arms.  I waited.  For the rest of the day I waited.  Nothing.  Elyse never said a word.

I know this is a long, rambling post about a doll but it didn't hit me until tonight that it was more than that.

Love really can blind you to the most obvious of afflictions.  It was still Big Baby.  She was still hers.

The first time Big Baby broke Elyse didn't ask for a new one.  Her frozen contorted face didn't bother her, it bothered me.  I wanted my child's first love to be easy on the eyes and function like it should.  This second time, I rushed to search for a new one for a kid that hasn't even noticed her doll is broken.

Elyse doesn't understand what "superficial" means yet, but I will quickly teach her with seemingly harmless actions like that.  It isn't good enough if it isn't flawless.  Ouch.

Obviously that is never the message I would purposefully convey.  I'm just a mom, trying to right a wrong.  Elyse taught me this isn't a wrong and all things broken don't need fixing when viewed through the lens of love.

God sees me with my cracked neck, slumped head and knows the noises from me can often be an annoying buzz.  But I am loved anyway.  I was made in His image and I am a new creation in Christ.  Pure.  Blameless.  I am viewed as whole even when nothing appears intact.  I am God's Big Baby.

Today

Today is worth marking.  A day to put a big black Sharpie circle around on the calendar.

I was asked to lunch.  By a great person.  By a busy person.  By the person who teaches bible study, has a million friends and has 4 kids.  By a person I didn't know well at all.  By a person who prayed.  For me.  But I didn't know that yet.

I was nervous.  Very nervous.  My stomach was twisting as I pulled into the parking lot but everything in my spirit caused settle and I knew, in full confidence, this would be grand.  This meal was anointed, this appointment Divine.

It was a normal lunch.  She was really nice.  Adley made a royal mess with food.  We had much more in common than one might imagine.  Yet in the grand scheme of things, don't we all.  This taught me that.  We are all searching, struggling people in need of a Savior.  In need of feeling worthy enough for someone random to ask us to lunch, just to get to know us better.  I hardly felt worthy of her prayers, much less her time.  Time.  In our society It Is a GIFT!  A gift that should be paid forward.

The conversation flowed smoothly.  I can't recall an awkward silence.  But as she spoke of things she prayerfully heard regarding me, things she saw in me, I literally felt my insides, my nerves, any fiber that was connected to anything that moved, curl in.  I was coiling on the inside like a nocturnal creature hiding from the sun.  I couldn't make eye contact for fear of losing it altogether.  She wasn't showering me with compliments. She was a voice saying things aloud that my spirit has been stirring in me for so long but I've been so afraid to believe.  Afraid to take hold of.  After all, if I truly grasped these concepts, what would that look like?  Would I mess it up like I have so many other things?

A well laid plan for my life wasn't spelled out.  My purpose was not proclaimed.  My calling was not defined.  But the message I needed to hear rang clear.  God knows I love Him.  He knows the heart He gave me and He wants to use it for His good.

If she sees it.  He must see it.  Even with all my messes.  With all my history.  All my shortcomings, struggles and failures.  All my confidence issues, battles of worthiness and fears of failing......He loves me and I am made for more.

I was not made to hide behind things He went to the cross for.  His design was not for me to be perfect before I became completely His.  I am loved.  Right where I am.  We all are.  Why, oh why, is that so hard to cling to? I can own that.  Right now.  In this instant.  As I type I am loved.  Beyond measure.  And people need to know that but first I have to believe it.  I thought I did.  I really didn't think knowing I was loved was an issue but I'm realizing my insecurities run deep and being truly, fully, and completely loved isn't a thing I easily accept.

I will attempt to be more bold this year (that's a bold statement if I've ever seen one).  I actually first wrote, "I will be bold this year" and I couldn't hit the delete button fast enough.  I need to grow in courage with my faith and realize that I don't need to tidy all my corners before I live out sharing what saved me.  What that looks like, I don't know.  But I think it looks a lot like time with people.  Love God.  Love people.  I can start there.

Big, black, sharpie marker circle around today.

 Down time.

Elyse has been out of preschool for 2 weeks and Matt has been off 9 out of the last 14 days, not counting the day he worked from home, that he hasn't had to travel at all, or that he's getting home a little earlier in the evenings when he does work.  We've had family visit a few times and Elyse has spent the night away 3 different nights.

Our house is all out of whack.  In a good way.  We wake up late, linger in pajamas and let routines get a little lax.  We've frequented parks, bounce houses and beaches.  Visited friends, family and the zoo. We've eaten ice cream and dined at restaurants.  I've squeezed in work-outs at off-the-wall times.  Grocery shopping seems unplanned and on whims.  They are perfecting new Christmas toys and the phrase "we share in this house" is taking on a whole new meaning.  

The disorder and freedom of an empty calendar has found us connected in a great way.  There isn't guilt over wasted time and minutes don't seem nearly as precious or pressured when you have a few to spare.  

I love routine.  I do.  My kids do.  My husband does.  There is comfort in predictability, assurance in patterns, and security in knowing what to expect and what is expected.  As we enter this last weekend before the calendar once again takes on it's previous form, I can reflect with a feeling of balance, time well spent and souls well nourished.  I'm not ready to give this up, but at the same time I think we're all ready for a little rhythm in our step.  

I'll post a few pics below.

They loved chasing seagulls.

 Checking out the sand between her toes.

 Looking far too grown.

Fist-full of shells!

Love. 

Bedheads in a jeep.

New bike!!!!  Such a huge hit with her.  We almost didn't put it under the tree but we're so glad she did.  She rode it around the family room and out the door.  She hasn't looked back since.  She thought she was too little, which made us wonder as well.  She tried and conquered, definitely a moment to celebrate.  She was also very afraid of the jeep at first.  It's taken a few time, now on "slow" mode Elyse drives them both all around.  Adley got a little trampoline that I don't have a picture of yet (we did a better job of taking video this year instead of still pictures) but she is mastering it and jumping up a storm.

 We hosted 2 rounds of family Christmas day.  Matt's side came fist and we did a big lasagna lunch.  My side came next for the traditional turkey with all the fixings.  My mom requested we get pictures of us that day and I'm so glad she did.  We snapped a few first thing after everyone arrived instead of trying to cram it in later when kids are tired and people are packed up to leave.  I need to make a mental note of that for future gatherings.  Pictures first!

 I'm actually 4 inches taller than my younger sister (second from the right) but I look so short in this.  I'm the only sister not in heels ;-).

Dating

In honor of the 20 little children whose lives were taken 2 weeks ago, I dated my kids today.  Specifically Elyse.  This was an "event" of sorts coordinated and encouraged by our MOMS Club.

I committed to turning off my phone, not checking email or FB or any other distractions and I gave her the say in the day.  We played together alot this morning.  She chose getting frozen yogurt and going to a specific park this afternoon as the main event.  After a little downtime she chose a bike ride on her one of her new Christmas presents.

In between these "dates" I got more accomplished today than I would in a typical day.  With so much time devoted to her without distraction, she was content to entertain herself (and actually asked me to step out of her room more than once) for longer intervals than usual.  I completed a load of dishes, 3 loads of laundry, my workout video and now a blog post.  She's full.  So am I.  It feels nice.

I made note of a few things today.  I don't do as bad with intentional time as I thought I did.  This date day wasn't a far cry from a typical day, not at all.  It was shutting out the distractions that made the difference.  Not just mentally telling myself I'd do them later, but not allowing them as part of our date time at all.  I didn't miss any important texts, emails or FB posts, and not having my phone in hand prevented the repetetive checking of it......imagine that.  I'm connected to the cyber world for the sake of being connected, yet at the sacrifice of the connection to my children.

I also noticed she doesn't need a lot.  Not a whole day or even an entire afternoon.  She just needs me to connect with her when I can.  She wants her voice to be heard and in speaking, she wants to know I was listening.

It's a lot like that with God.  I've yearned to get the whole "quiet time" thing figured out.  I get sidetracked and intimidated easily feeling like I didn't do it long enough, right, or often enough.  Today helped me realize, just a little bit more, that He just wants me to be intentional with Him.  He doesn't need an entire day or a whole morning.  He wants me to connect, to share my concerns and to let His voice be heard.  It seems a lot less overwhelming already.  Faith like a child.

Over another week has gone since a post.....again.  I'm finding myself with a few moments to spare and I was feeling the need for an update.  Why?  The thought of a stagnant blog bothers me.  I'm learning that's ridiculous.  My blog is stagnant for lots of reasons, most of which are very deserving but a few that could use  the corrective order of improved time management.

I'm aiming to be less task oriented and more people oriented.  The tasks keep things tidy, how I like them.  Unfrazzled edges and smooth functioning order in our home.  The empty dishwasher and toy-less floor left me feeling like something was missing though.  Intentionality with people.  Not just my own little people, but any people.  All people.

I would often pride myself on delivering my husband 2 kids when he came home from work that were fed, bathed, in pajamas and ready for pure daddy enjoyment without tasks attached.  I wanted them, in the limited time we had in the evenings, to simply enjoy each other.  Along with the sparkling and fed children I would have the house picked up and dinner ready to eat, often on the table.  He never asked for this, but he appreciated very much.  But it was hard.

The hour or two leading up to that were often, not always, difficult.  Getting it all done was hectic and I found myself losing my patience too often in the process.  The girls were often shuffled around, jumping from one check-list item to the next to deliver the 1950's environment when we heard the garage door open at 7 pm.

I took a few weeks to observe myself, the set-up and what could be changed.  Confronting myself with the legacy I was leaving behind was, and still is, difficult for me.  What will my children view as important according to my actions?  What is worthy of frustration or even anger?  Am I teaching them that love is an action?

It's a big work in progress over here and I still get most things done, but the pace is different.  If none of it gets done and my teammate tags in to help, that's okay too.  To some people that may sound ridiculous but it was something that was important to me.  My willingness to let more slide and be okay with a little disorder to settle once family time has passed and small eyelids are closed has helped a lot as well.  No doubt the days feel longer but there is a new fullness in the air.  I may go to bed with cluttered counters but I'm okay with that.

What a busy weekend

Friday afternoon Matt left early from work to take the girls to a 3pm birthday party while my mom and I went and got pedicures and gel nails.  This was my first time getting gel nails (aside from one time when my friend did them for me months and months ago) and they are great!  I'm not big into having my nails painted, but this was a nice little treat.

Friday evening we went to Matt's work Holiday Party at the Westin on Davis Island.  I stood too much in heels and we stayed up too late, but it was a great evening out together.  I quickly realized that evening how much Matt is respected and admired.  His promotion this year was nothing to take lightly and a lot of people, especially me, are very proud of him.

Saturday the 4 of us, along with my mom, when to a family get together at Matt's dad and Kathy's house.  Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, kids running around, stories and jokes exchanging over plates of food.....it was great!  Some people were visiting from Iowa, some from South Florida, others from a town over.  I really enjoyed seeing everyone though.  Elyse had such a fun time with her cousins and I'm sure she would tell you the scraped lip she got playing chase in the cul-de-sac was worth it.  We brought home two exhausted girls after dark and after bedtime the 3 of us enjoyed a movie on the couch.

Late Sunday morning Matt and I met up with a group of friends at Raymond James Stadium for the Bucs vs. Eagles game.  Tampa lost in a nail-biting finish but it was a great game to watch, the weather and company couldn't be beat.

We were in bed a little after 9pm last night and hit the ground running, business as usual Mondays.  Laundry is put away (that my mom so graciously did yesterday), dinner prep is done, toys are tidied and I can finally update the blog as the girls sleep.

I have a few photo sessions coming up this week, along with a few in weeks past, I'm hoping something useful can be contributed to the Freedom girls! fund on December 20th.  The Front Porch bible study I attend weekly at The Chapel prayerfully chooses a ministry to collect funds for or do service work with, and this year Freedom girls!, a group dedicated to showing the love of Christ to women in strip clubs, is who they chose. I'd been praying about a ministry that I could somehow find the time to volunteer with, devote my time and, my hope was, my RN license as well.  I wanted to get my hands dirty and be part of something big.  I quickly got discouraged because with a traveling husband and two small children it was difficult to find consistent, affordable childcare and things that I could bring them along to seemed very limited if any at all.  What I wanted to do wasn't what He wanted me doing.  I finally realized that God was wanting to use what I was already doing.  Taking pictures.  I'm small.  I'm simple.  My equipment isn't top notch and pales in comparison to the numerous photographers out there.  But I enjoy it and I'm affordable.  I can't give much time anywhere, but I do photography on the side on a schedule that works for my family, and that, I can give back to God.  I'm excited to see where He takes it.

Family 2012

I wanted to see my family through someone else's lens.  I'm seldom on the other side of the camera, but a trade of photo sessions with a fellow MOMS Club member allowed me the opportunity.  Love them!