Need more discipline

I know I'm in the "easy" part of pregnancy, but I can honestly say since about 10 weeks along, my body has LOVED being pregnant. I haven't had a headache since about week 10 (I used to get them quite frequently) and have never slept better than I have this entire time. I am finally one of those people whose head can hit the pillow and in a matter of minutes, I'm out cold. I used to have to read before bed, sometimes it would take hours just to wind my mind and my body down to a state of relaxation before my body would give in to the calls of Mr. Sandman. At least once or twice a month I wouldn't sleep at all. I have no idea why, but I would just toss and turn all night.

This happened to me quite often as a child as well. I would lie in bed awake and cry about how tired I knew I was going to be at school the next day. As an adult I've learned instead of fighting it, I would use it for good. I began reading scripture or other devotional books. I would often use it as my uninterrupted devoted time to God. The house still and quiet, our room completely dark except for the subtle glow of my reading lamp, it became the perfect setting. Often after Matt would fall asleep I would get on my knees beside my bed and pray. It wasn't long before I fell in love with this time and the spiritual growth I felt during those months was intense.

Now I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to find my pillow. I have attempted reading several times to no avail and I have not yet devoted another time during the day to have that uninterrupted intimate time with God. I miss it and I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go on this long. The consequences are evident, I can feel it within my soul and it's apparent by my mindset lately. I also feel like I'm short changing my daughter in this too, because I truly believe that she can sense those close intimate moments with my savior as well.

I have tried several times during the day at different points but nothing has stuck yet. When I work, I'm up at 4:45am and get home at 8:00pm. . . by the time I eat, shower, and get things ready for the next day it's bed time. On those days I tried going somewhere quiet and alone on my lunch break, but that didn't work either. Critical needs of ICU infants would arise and a rushed 30 minutes to scarf down more fuel would happen all to quickly. On days off I tried mornings before ever leaving the house, afternoons if I neglected the mornings, and if I put it off until the evening it just didn't happen. I've discovered I am extremely easily distracted and the hum of a lawn mower or the click of the mail man closing the mail box would cause my mind to wander. . ."I wonder if that's the lawn guys doing our yard", "If so, I hope they can do something about those really bad dead spots", "We really need to mulch again soon". . . . "I wonder what came in the mail", "Maybe it's our next Netflix dvd . . . which one did we order again". Those are just a few examples, but the list is endless of the mindless things that distract me from time that He is so deserving of.

One day I just wasn't going to stand for this anymore, I had to figure out a solution to not allow myself to be distracted. After trying different places and different things, I ended up in the dark, on the floor, completely enclosed in our guest bedroom closet. It was then that I was finally able to surrender and give myself over to Him and as always, He met me there. It was beautiful, emotional, and intense. . . and oh how I miss it.

This hasn't happened often enough and I need to get back on track. I could blame it on time constraints and say "If there were just more hours in the day". . . , or "If there weren't so many distractions, I would do this more often", I could attempt to rationalize that "being pregnant just makes me so tired, I'll do better another time". How easy it can be to overlook personal accountability and blame issues on other people, circumstances, or even God. Unfortunately this does not solve my problems or bring me any closer to God, in fact it can subtly escort me to the very edge of backsliding. There is no one to blame but me. Telling myself anything else is nothing short of a lie and I know that. He deserves better than this, much better. If I plan on building this house, this marriage, and this family on a foundation built of stone, it starts and ends with my relationship with Him. This very lesson I've learned several times over in life and I know without a doubt that this HAS to be one area of my life that I do not neglect. I will do better. Failure in this is not an option.