2 month visit

We had Adley's 2 month well visit with our Pediatrician this morning.  Elyse was at school, Matt at a conference, so it was just the two of us.  She weighed in at 12 pounds 5 ounces and almost 24 inches long (91% and 97%).  Most of the exam was brief until, once again, her eyes were checked. 

I'd had suspicions that, despite our positive visit with the Pediatric Opthamologist several weeks ago, something still didn't seem quite right.  Adley didn't follow me with her eyes and even though she shares those precious social smiles, she seldom focuses on faces or definite objects.  I quieted my concerns because of the prior good visit and told myself I was looking to hard and over-analyzing the most subtle of movements.  Apparently I wasn't. 

By 2 months of age she should be able to track a face/object 180 degrees from right to left.  At 9 weeks, she cannot do that, at least not that she has shown.  The doctor tried, she really did, up close, at a distance, using different objects, anything she could think of to get Adley to focus and track.  The longer she tried, the larger the lump grew in my throat.  I wasn't surprised but having my suspicions confirmed hurt.  It was one of the few times I really wanted to be wrong.

This time she has been referred to a Pediatric Neuro-Opthamologist at All Children's Hospital.  The "neuro" part, the doctor explained, is in case they need to do brain scans to see if there is neurologic involvement causing her delay or lack of development in this area. 

.....Brain involvement.....I processed the words in slow motion as I dressed my wiggly baby girl on that crinkly white paper.  Her legs kicked as my heart pounded.  I was handed a scribbled phone number on a scrap of paper, strapped Adley in her carrier, smiled and offered thanks as I left.  I'm not even sure if the door to the office shut tightly before the tears came.  They flowed so freely this time since I didn't have to hide them from Elyse.  I didn't just cry, I wept.  It was a violent, desperate, painful cry.  I was surprised it was all coming from me.  Thankfully no one was around as I pushed the elevator button attempting to catch my breath and settle my emotions.  I picked Elyse up from preschool with bloodshot eyes and tear streaked cheeks, I'm glad she didn't notice. 

And that was it.  That was all I was going to allow myself.  I had my emotional overflow, got the girls fed and down for naps and opened my bible.  I'm studying Ephesians right now, so that's what I read.   Several scriptures were encouraging, but more so than that, it was the calming presence of His spirit and the comfort only turning to the Word can provide.  I don't do that enough, I have no idea why it hasn't become a second nature habit by now but the significant change within my soul today will be one lesson further in making sure that it does become that way. 

I'm still nervous.  I'm admittedly afraid of what we do and don't know.  I truly can't describe how I feel.  But tonight, tonight I will rest in Him.  I will pray for God to give me a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of my heart enlightened, that I may know the hope to which He has called me (Ephesians 1:17-18).

She's got dimples.....love that.