Thank you, thank you!

Thank you girls for your emails. I feel so much better, you're the best. :)

Alone . . . but not really

Matt was out of town in Atlanta for work. It was the first time he's been gone since we'd gotten the new couch and Mandy no longer sleeps with me. In a desperate attempt to have company in bed I carried her in her cat bed and placed her snugly near me. That lasted all of a few minutes and she was gone to the couch again.

Now to realize what a big deal this is, I must explain that I have had Mandy for almost 21 years and I'm sure there were the occasional times, but I really don't remember ever not sleeping with her. Her company has been especially nice when Matt has to go out of town for work. We would both sprawl out in our spots on the bed, taking advantage of the extra space. She has been my little roommate through it all. She was there when I got glasses, contacts, my drivers permit, moved out on my own, a college degree, boyfriends, braces, zits, from age 7 to 27, she has been there. Although I'm beyond grateful for her to be here so long (I think that's another one of those little favors from God because he loves me), I'm more than a little sad to see her age and not have her with me at night.

So the other night when she left me in bed, I decided to settle in alone for the first time in years and I began to pray before reading. During part of my prayer I placed my hand softly on my swollen abdomen and asked God to grant Matt and I wisdom and discernment as parents, to protect our baby, to give our baby a servant's heart and a teachable spirit . . . the baby just started moving like crazy! There was no mistaking that this was our child shaking and stirring just beneath the surface of my skin. I felt it so distinct and so sure. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for such a precious moment reserved just between my baby and I, and it dawned on me . . . I am so unbelievably far from alone. I have a person, a real, living person growing inside of me and I have an ever present, omniscient God who has never left me, not for a second. I just love when He points stuff like that out to me if I'd just pay attention.

*Update: the second night Matt was gone, Mandy slept with me almost all night :). Matt will be home tonight and the thought of everyone in bed together again makes me feel so . . . full. Life is good.

Gender anticipation

I'm beginning to feel like a crazy person. I grow more and more nervous about finding out the sex of our baby. It has absolutely nothing to do with whether it's a boy or a girl . . . I actually wish there would be a surprise second baby and we would have one of each in there. Once pregnant, any preference you ever thought you had is completely washed away because you wouldn't change this person inside of you for anything. There are 110 reasons I hope it's a boy and 110 reasons I hope it's a girl, I'm nervous for a different reason than that.

Once we find out, we can never go back to this time and I think I'm going to miss it. This time of mystery, anticipation, and wonder. This time of dreaming, curiosity, and in different scenarios pretending it's one or the other. It's fun, it's intimate, and it's ours alone. This baby will forever be our son or our daughter, but right now I'm in awe and amazement at it simply being our child.

Now don't get me wrong, I get tired of referring to the baby as "it", and the planner and nest builder in me wants to know before June, but I just don't know if I'm ready quite yet. I think it's because I have just started to "feel" pregnant. I finally have a little baby bump and have enjoyed feeling the baby move a few times a day. It's almost like it has all just begun for me, or at least in a new and different way.

Most people have called me crazy for feeling this way and to just find out. One person, and this is what I prefer to go with, said "Ursula, you're the only person I know with such a passionate outlook on life. What you are saying makes perfect sense, most people just don't give it enough thought and take things like this for granted." That made me feel good.

I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think . . . in fact, I wish I could stop thinking. It's thinking and over analyzing that gets me into these messes. Why can't I just be like everybody else and be desperately wanting to know at the earliest possible convenience?

I know most of you don't leave comments, but I would appreciate any advice or encouragement.

It got me . . .

I'm not sure if it's the flu, a cold, or some other sort of bug or virus, but it got me. I've denied it had gotten the best of me, but last night around 3 am as my aching bones pounded and I swallowed goobers that felt like razor blades, I caved. I writhed and moaned and prayed to the Great Physician. Then I called work and was given the okay to stay home without having to call in sick which was a huge relief. I went back to sleep for a total of almost 13 hours! I must have really needed it and I'm beyond thankful to have been able to do it. Hopefully I'll be able to make it into work tomorrow.

How can I keep from singing

From the words of Chris Tomlin . . . "How can I keep from singing Your praise, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your love, How can I keep from shouting Your name, I know I am loved by the King, And it makes my heart want to sing". . . I love singing and the other day while I was belting out words of praise in a tune I'm sure sounded horrible to anyone but the One it was meant for, it dawned on me that my child was hearing it to. I love that.

It made me realize that we are gifted these brief moments of sheer adoration. Just as a little girl desires to marry her dad when she grows up or a little boy thinks his mother is the most beautiful person in the whole world . . . my baby loves the sound of my voice and the songs that I sing. It doesn't know any better. It likes it because it's all it knows and I just think that is about the neatest thing ever. Never again will my singing be appreciated quite like it is right now, so when I feel the urge to sing along to a song, sing loud and proud in the seclusion of my car, or sing just because in the shower, I won't suppress it . . . I'll sing for my baby.

One day this 9 inch baby will grow and realize how his/her mother has absolutely no musical gifts, talents, or clues what so ever. He or she will beg me to stop singing (they will learn to say that from their dad) and plead that I don't do it in the car in front of friends. They won't remember this time where it was the only lullaby they knew, but I will. *sigh* Oh my little one, you are already growing up too fast.

Random updates

Maybe it was God, maybe it was just coincidental timing but 2 things happened at church on Sunday. First, I'm almost positive I felt the baby move . . . I thought I had possibly felt it before, but I'm much more sure it was the baby this time. I just felt these little flutters for several brief, separate seconds, unlike anything else I've felt. I think the baby was telling me she/he liked the worship service, that is often my favorite part as well. While singing one of my favorite songs, eyes closed just praising Him, I sensed the presence of the living God so real, so closely, and so intimately I felt like I could burst. Out of the overflow of emotion, my eyes leaked tears and I believe in my heart of hearts that our child could sense His very presence as well because that's when I felt the baby move. What a small yet insanely huge gesture from God. I think sometimes people, especially myself, discount the small things God does for us on a daily basis. Things we dismiss, overlook, or give credit to something else. I believe it's often Him and I hope to become increasingly aware of these subtle ways God draws near to me if I would just pay attention.

The other thing was I had to un-button my pants while sitting through the service. This has not happened until now and despite the fact that I haven't gained any weight yet, there is definitely growth of some kind and it's exhilarating! My pants fit fine while standing, but they become uncomfortable when I sit. At 17 weeks pregnant, I think it's officially time to move to the rubber-band jeans. It's no wonder because our baby is 9 inches tall from head to toe now!

On another note, I think I'm getting/have gotten sick. I have somehow managed not to catch so much as the sniffles in quite some time now, but a sore, scratchy throat awoke me at 5 am this morning. I have felt feverish, achy, and tired throughout the day but I still managed to get a couple of things done and go to the grocery store. I try my best to refuse to let sickness ever ruin my day or defeat goals I had set and today was no exception. I've taken a warm bath and now it's time to sink into the couch and relax for the rest of the evening. Matt has even volunteered to make dinner and for that I am thankful. I'm also thankful for an amazingly complex body that will heal itself over the next few days (we watched Louis Giglio, How Great is Our God DVD from the Passion series, and I was absolutely humbled and blown away. Anyone who would like to borrow them can, this message needs to spread like wildfire).

Speaking of couch and relaxing, we love our new addition to the family room. I'll post pictures once the room is complete, but for now you'll just have to take my word for it ;). The only down side to this wonderful new couch is that Mandy likes it a little too much. She doesn't sleep with me at night anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss her next to me. We gave her a kitty bed on the couch since she was sleeping in one spot so much and you can see for yourselves how content she looks (it keeps what little she sheds in one place which makes me happy too).

This weekend Matt got some pressure washing done outside, I just thought I'd post a picture so you could see the difference his hard work made. I think I've been nesting in weird, non-baby ways. I wanted the outside areas pressure washed, Sears came and deep cleaned the grout in our master bath shower, we got a new couch and TV, I cleaned all the raised panels on our doors and closets the other day, etc. We haven't even touched the "nursery" and in all honesty the thought still seems so distant at times but we know June is fast approaching. I'm sure that will be the next project once these other ones come to completion. I love the feeling of a completed project and the planning that goes into new ones.

I think that's just about a complete update for the Borrack house right now. Have a wonderful week!

Another quick post

The busy holiday schedule continues . . . and we're loving it! Matt has been savoring his well deserved, hard earned days away from the office and I have LOVED having him home so much.

For New Year's eve we went out to visit my friend Kristin. A handful of us enjoyed welcoming 2009 with fireworks on the beach. The pictures didn't turn our, but believe me it was beautiful! I would love to take the time to blog about the reflections I've felt with this year winding down and the fresh new one before us . . . maybe another time.

We spent New Year's day with lunch near the beach and on our way home we stopped at a baby store and test drove, folded, and carried numerous strollers. I have been researching them for weeks and I think we found the winner. I must admit it was a lot of fun. To see how clueless we both were trying to open and fold these contraptions was hysterical. We just laughed our way through it and we really did learn a lot. I had decided from the beginning to research, test, and register for items one at a time so I'm careful we don't just get scan happy and do it all in one day and dislike the baby items we end up with because we were impatient and clueless. This tedious process has made me so thankful for the Internet and product reviews.

Speaking of baby, our 16+ week check up went great! Baby was very happy nestled inside and despite my nervousness for not having gained any weight my bump measured right on target and the heartbeat was again such a joy to hear.

The last couple of days we got so many chores and errands done BEFORE the weekend has even begun. For someone like me, it is such a wonderful feeling and I'm thankful for the extended time off we get to enjoy together. :)