I'm beginning to feel like a crazy person. I grow more and more nervous about finding out the sex of our baby. It has absolutely nothing to do with whether it's a boy or a girl . . . I actually wish there would be a surprise second baby and we would have one of each in there. Once pregnant, any preference you ever thought you had is completely washed away because you wouldn't change this person inside of you for anything. There are 110 reasons I hope it's a boy and 110 reasons I hope it's a girl, I'm nervous for a different reason than that.
Once we find out, we can never go back to this time and I think I'm going to miss it. This time of mystery, anticipation, and wonder. This time of dreaming, curiosity, and in different scenarios pretending it's one or the other. It's fun, it's intimate, and it's ours alone. This baby will forever be our son or our daughter, but right now I'm in awe and amazement at it simply being our child.
Now don't get me wrong, I get tired of referring to the baby as "it", and the planner and nest builder in me wants to know before June, but I just don't know if I'm ready quite yet. I think it's because I have just started to "feel" pregnant. I finally have a little baby bump and have enjoyed feeling the baby move a few times a day. It's almost like it has all just begun for me, or at least in a new and different way.
Most people have called me crazy for feeling this way and to just find out. One person, and this is what I prefer to go with, said "Ursula, you're the only person I know with such a passionate outlook on life. What you are saying makes perfect sense, most people just don't give it enough thought and take things like this for granted." That made me feel good.
I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think . . . in fact, I wish I could stop thinking. It's thinking and over analyzing that gets me into these messes. Why can't I just be like everybody else and be desperately wanting to know at the earliest possible convenience?
I know most of you don't leave comments, but I would appreciate any advice or encouragement.
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1 comment:
Ursula, reading your blog makes me all the more excited to experience this! I understand the feeling of not wanting to find out the gender. God blessed us with so many new technologies, but sometimes they kill the "truly special moments" in life. I work with a lady who didn't find out her third childs gender (she had two girls already) she said the look on her husbands face when she gave birth to his little boy was "priceless" and she would "never" forget it. It is way to tempting though when you can find out whether it is a boy/girl soon! But, if it helps we are not waiting to find out. It would be too nerve racking for my hubby.
Luke and I are proud of you two. Love, Nicole
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