In case you wondered

Circuit training is hard. My normal class instructor was out sick and the sub worked us hard. I'm still a bit queasy from the session that ended over an hour ago. I don't know that I'll be doing that again, at least not pregnant. I also wonder if it will hurt to move in the next couple of days. I wasn't even sure what circuit training was when we started, but I quickly realized the wrath my body was in for. I figured I'd try it, modify things if needed, and just listen to my body and my baby. We both did fine, but it was still such a comfort to feel the kicks and elbows in the car on my drive back home. It's always a comfort to feel that. I never get tired of it and it never fails to swell my heart, I'm so in love.

Reflecting on prior posts

I spent almost 4 hours shopping today. I did some needed returns and exchanges, but I also had several items on my list that I was hoping to purchase. One of those items was some tops/top undergarments that could "grow with me" a little bit. Man did I hit the jack-pot. I found sale items with additional mark downs and made out like a bandit. I had a bag FULL of goodies for $20! I did some more shopping for some things that were more desired than needed, but amazing bargains none the less and I left with my arms full. Not too long ago I posted about bargains and writing about it again reminded me of that post. It's nice to go back and read it because I really think I have gotten better about the sale purchases I make "just because".

My bargain high from today vanished quickly when I got to my car though. Matt gave me a courtesy call to let me know he would be working late and that I could go ahead and eat dinner on my own. It was after 7pm and he was still at the office. Guilt swept over me because he is such a hard worker and here I was out spending money. You see, I was supposed to work today but due to low census I was cancelled. I tried to pick up hours at another hospital, but they didn't need me either. See the problem? I didn't make any money (which I was scheduled to) but went out and spent money (which wasn't on only necessities). This reminded me of another post where I was feeling down about this exact same thing, which tells me that I need to examine this area of my life even closer because being a whiner is not an option.

I have a feeling this is something I will periodically struggle with unless I face it head on somehow. Although running this ship and raising a family will probably be much more demanding and time consuming than I can even fathom, I know Matt will probably work hard, high-intensity hours, and be our source of income for years to come. I need to get more and more used to that idea and learn to not feel guilty about it. It's a gift, a blessing, and something I believe God honors . . . why do I let it get to me so much? He works so hard, but is still so wonderful that I feel guilty when I have my own personal free time if he doesn't. Why do I feel like I'm somehow not carrying my own weight? More importantly, how do I overcome it?

Monday ramblings

A fresh new week before me once again . . . this Monday is a usual Monday. Gym class, meal planning, grocery shopping, and time at the Pregnancy Center. I think I am becoming more and more a creature of habit and routine. I never used to be this way because working night shift, my schedule and waking hours were never consistent, therefore neither was my time off. Now that I work all day shifts and have a relatively set schedule, I have come to like the predictability and routines of my week.

The only problem I've noticed with this is that somehow in the process I have become much more of a planner and a lot less spontaneous. Maybe that's all a part of getting older or becoming a mother, I'm not really sure. Either way, I prefer the way things are now to the way they were then, that's for sure.

I will be a happy, healthy 19 weeks (almost starting month 6) tomorrow! I cannot believe we are almost halfway to our due date. Time has gone by quickly and I'm so grateful that this has been a dream pregnancy so far. I have officially gained my first 2 pounds, which from what I hear is something to be very proud of at this point. I won't get over-excited about that though, because June is a long way away and there is a lot of growth yet to happen. It's absolutely amazing.

At the gym on Thursday a girl in the class commented on my "baby belly". It was the first time a total stranger acknowledged it as such, so I must officially look pregnant to people who don't know for sure, at least in gym clothes.

Now I'm going to complain a little. I must be carrying this baby high because despite this bump, I can still wear all my pre-pregnancy pants. I haven't even had to officially use the rubber band like I anticipated. I'm sure I'll regret saying this, but I'm ready to be out of this in-between size. My regular stuff is getting snug, but the few maternity things I own are still HUGE! The most frustrating part (I think mostly girls read this blog anyway). . . . is the top portion of me. They have swollen to a new, not-so-pretty size. Shirts that would fit my belly just fine, don't fit up top. My bras now have lumps that come out in different directions and I can't find a reasonably priced bra to tuck them into that is still small enough in circumference. It makes me feel disgusting. I think the worst part is knowing it's only going to get worse when breastfeeding begins. Small bottom, huge top . . . makes is hard to feel very cute when I'm getting dressed to go out somewhere. Part of me embraces this changing body because I have the God given honor of growing a baby! In fact, I'd say I embrace and love it 90% of the time. It's the 10% of the time spent getting dressed that I feel unattractive. Fortunately I've been blessed with a supportive husband who knows what to say, but sometimes more importantly, what not so say. I have forewarned him that I would appreciate certain words be absent from his vocabulary for the next . . . forever. Fat, huge, wide, whoa, how much?, etc . . . . you get the idea. Hopefully he remembers.

On a much more fun baby note, we went looking at cribs after church on Sunday. We have an idea of the set we want to get, but we will look around a little more to be sure. Anytime I get to go in the baby store this feeling comes over me and I feel like I could stay there all day and touch all of the soft things, pretend and play, dream, imagine, test and compare. Matt is usually ready to go long before that though and I understand, I go a little crazy in Lowes and Best Buy myself.

My new pillow

My mom and I went and got 1 hour massages yesterday, followed by a nice lunch and a little shopping. It was such a nice day and we really enjoyed the laid back time together. As I laid on the massage table feeling so relaxed, I couldn't help but think . . . if this baby is a little girl, there are 3 generations of women getting pampered right now. I thought that was pretty neat.

As a gift she got me the "Boppy Total Body" pregnancy pillow. It's super comfortable to say the least. Mandy has decided she likes to sleep on the belly support portion, so we all slept together last night in a fun new way. That made me smile.

I'm really not crazy

After all this "gender anticipation" stress, I had wonderful, helpful, encouraging feedback from women who are friends, but also moms. Thank you again girls!

I was doing a couple of things with doubting whether or not we wanted to find out what this child is. I was so wrapped up in dwelling on all the things we would loose (the wonder and anticipation of it all), that I completely overlooked everything we would gain from knowing . . . and there is so much to be gained!

Also, I was just able to put my finger on what one of my issues was. I believe that for me specifically, and I imagine most moms as well, my maternal heart is swollen perfectly in half. One half is head over heels in love with this little boy I'm carrying, the other half is head over heels in love with this little girl I'm carrying. God has given me a heart for this child that is so unbiased that I didn't want to know what it is because it means it's not the other, and right now I'm madly in love with the thought of either. Does that make sense? Probably only to me, but that's ok, this is my blog.

I had a friend with 2 little boys (who then found out she was pregnant with a baby girl) tell me that when she found out she was finally going to have her little girl she felt a surge of excitement immediately followed by a sense of loss for the little boy that wasn't within her . . . that's the feeling I'm anticipating for myself. To be overwhelmed and speechless with amazement, awe, joy, thanksgiving, and happiness with knowing what this precious miracle is, but a brief sense of sadness for what it isn't, regardless of what that is.

I know I'm a blabbering mess, but I just want to get this out before we find out so that I can watch how my heart and thoughts are molded and changed by the different aspects of this pregnancy. I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at how ridiculous I sound sometimes and how some thoughts should just remain in my head if I want to keep any of my friends who think I'm normal.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I LOVE where my heart is right now and I feel like I am in the prefect place to find out what this baby is. I love that my heart is so incredibly swollen for our child that I feel like I'm actually loving two children! I can already look back and see what God has done. Before I was ever pregnant I felt like I did have a preference. I knew that was not the right place for my heart to be and I gave it to God. It was so important to me to have His plans and desires for us over mine. I prayed very specifically for God to perfectly prepare my heart for this very baby and once again He has gone above and beyond my wildest expectations of what I thought that meant. God is so good.

Mostly I can't wait to experience this with my husband. I have a feeling this will go down in my book of life as one of the top ten moments thus far. I am so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed with joy to be sharing it with the the man in which I am so madly in love and honored to be doing this with.

Your own backyard

Largely due to absolutely gorgeous weather and partially due to a gym over crowded with soon to fade new years resolutions, I have been jogging outside. I'm sure it's not nearly the intensity of work out that I'm used to with my kick-boxing or extreme training classes, but I'm doing what I can.

Jogging around an area I've lived in for a year and a half now has made me realize how much I've overlooked when I'm driving to or from home, so on this particular jog I brought my camera. Here are a few of the shots I captured on a random weekday at 4pm, not even looking for anything in particular.

Here is a sidewalk that is frequented by the rubber of my sneakers. I have actually gotten away from using my iPod while running. I have fallen in love with the sounds around me and of my shoes hitting the pavement. It's also become a time I focus on God and spend time in prayer.



The afternoon sun beaming with light over trees in the distance while I was shielded by the tree branches above me. I just liked how it looked.








I can't believe I live just mere steps from this and never gave it much thought before recently. We need to go have a picnic there. The sun in the previous picture was just a heads-turn away from the moon you vaguely see here. They are talking about building a road through all of this :(. I hope they don't.





This is also just mere steps in another direction. I happened to capture a bird gracefully taking flight, I'm probably the one who made it leave. I sat on the bank of the lake for awhile, it was so peaceful, yet I was so disappointed I hadn't done this before.


In an effort to become increasingly aware of the large and small things of life and in hopes to try my best not to overlook or dismiss the mark of my Maker, this taught me a lot. So often I like to just "get away". I love to go somewhere for a long-weekend, even just one night or even the beach for the day will do. I dream of amazing places and love looking through photo albums of our vacations to Alaska, Hawaii, or Lake Powell and I long for trips like that again . . . all while overlooking my own backyard. Now I know it's no famous coastline or highly desired waterfront and it's not exactly my personally owned backyard, but if you tune out the cars buzzing by, the barking of dogs, and laughter of children . . . you're in the midst of nature at it's finest. The sounds of wind rustling leaves, the creak of tall trees swaying in tune to an unseen conductor, the sight of lush greenery in shades absent from any man made palette, the occasional glimpse of serene wildlife, and pretty darn fresh air for being in a Tampa zip code, you can't help but me in awe of it.

Over and over the last couple of months I've been pointed in the direction of pausing and soaking, realizing and thanking, noticing and appreciating. Sometimes when I'm searching for something internal or external, I need to learn that I really don't have to look all that far. My own amazingly complex body, my personal testimony, or my own backyard . . . I need go no further, it all points me in the same direction back to the One my eyes should have never left in the first place.

I love life lessons.

I just hope I can be a good student and make sure they stick.

Sick for two

This cold/flu/bug has taken possession of my lungs and sinuses for over a week now, and frankly, I'm over it. Not to mention pregnant people can take next to nothing to try to remedy their symptoms which seems to drag it out that much more. Luckily it has only kept me out of commission for a day or two out of the eight and counting, so for that I am thankful. With the help of my cooking husband who gives me pregnancy approved remedies and hot decaf teas, I'll be back up to par in no time.

The other night Matt said to me, "Maybe God made you twice as sick so the baby doesn't catch any of it." For some reason I liked the thought of that. I'm sick for two, but the baby is protected because of it. Why not be sick for two? I eat, sleep, walk, dream, plan, hope, pray, breathe for two, so I'll be sick and get well for two also.

The sickness has made me wonder what things sound like to this little person within me who can hear and I can feel move. What do these harsh, painful coughs sound like to such a small, fragile person? Does blowing my nose disturb it's rest? As my bones throb with pain, is the baby tucked safely away from all harm? Only one thing I can do about it . . . ask God to protect my baby, heal my sickness, and thank Him for the man taking such good care of me.

I'm sick for two, but if I could, I would be sick for all of you as well, especially my mom, she seems to catch things a lot this time of year. So mom, I'll pretend I'm sick for you as well and that you have a healthy, wonderful week. :)