Comforted

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” (Isaiah 43:1)

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

Dear God,
Thank you for that today. I love that you know my name and that despite everything else, I'm yours and because I trust you, you will give me perfect peace. Please continue to guide me out of this rut.
Love,
Ursula

Wow!

This picture absolutely cracks me up! It looks like she is REALLY excited about the tree, something under it, or something on it. I like that thought. In reality, that's just the face she makes when she wants to put something in her mouth. Elyse, I don't think the tree would taste very good or help with your teething pain, I'm sorry sweetheart. I also love how blue her eyes look in this shot. Her eyes are blue, very blue actually, but not quite this blue. I didn't photo shop it or saturate the color or anything. I love my blue eyed little blondie.

Rut

So.....I've been in this "rut" lately. I've tried to describe it to others, explain in to Matt, and figure it out for myself. I don't know what it is, why it's here, or when it will leave. I've read, I've prayed, I've waited, I've ignored, I've acknowledged. The book we're doing in our small group talks about spiritual highs and lows, that they're normal and part of the growing process. For awhile that gave me comfort, but in reality, for me it was just a complacent excuse.

My life has changed so much. Everything has done a 180 in the last 6 months. It's definitely been for the better, but is very different none the less. I used to work full time and volunteer part time; now I stay at home. It used to be just Matt and I; now we have a child. Those two things in and of themselves have rocked my core, so I'm not sure if that's what's causing my rut or not.

I guess the best way to describe my "rut" is feeling the inability to truly connect with God, to hear Him, or to sense His presence. It's that feeling of distance. Lately I have this feeling of inadequacy to fully be the kind of roll model I want to be for Elyse. The morals and characteristics I desire for her to value are things I struggle with myself. Without a present and vibrant connection with God I feel like I don't have the resources within me to achieve this. I have wonderful and amazing parents who love me very much and taught me so many things I value. There are so many important things they instilled in me that I'm so thankful for. However, I'm sort of the "black sheep" when it comes to this area. I'm definitely different than my family in this regard and because of that I struggle with feeling capable of modeling or teaching certain things. I feel like I just don't know how to and it's weighing on me.

I'm sure this desire to be my very best so that Elyse gets the very best is natural of all parents. For some things it's easier, more tangible per say, but in the area of a true and vibrant relationship with the living God as the conductor of your life.....is harder for me. I'm still learning and growing, I always will be, and at times like this when I feel the distance or silence of that relationship this fear creeps up that I'm failing. Thoughts enter my head that I'll never be any more or any further that what I am right now. Nudges of accepting where I'm at because it's still better than where I was tap my shoulders. Inadequacy. Complacency for where I am. What I am, what I do, it will just have to be good enough. I'm stuck. I should get used to it. The problem with all these things is that they're lies and like a thief in the night they are after me. They are after my family. It is a very real and present danger. They call on me to lower my expectations, decrease my standards, and suppress the desire to live a life after God's own heart. They beckon me to give in to a life of complacency where before dinner prayers and Sunday sermons are enough. It's not enough. It's not anywhere close. I know because I've been there and I've had that. I just don't know how to get back.

It's been going on for weeks and through the silence and distance I believe one of my core issues is not having a strong enough foundation in the Word. There is power in scripture made for things just like this and I'm lacking in it. Throughout other times in my life I've found scripture to combat it and won every single time. That was my resource. Praying, speaking, and believing in His promises provided everything I ever needed and more. I'm lacking in the wisdom to battle this and all "this" is, is life. There will always be "something" so it's high time I suit up in some armor. At least I know it's a great place to start.

What a weekend! It was pretty low key actually, but somehow that made everything we did so much more special. The weather was cold, damp, and dreary which we welcomed as an excuse to stay indoors. We watched football and ate pizza one night and watched a movie and ate surf and turf with king crab legs another. The surf and turf was one of the best dinners I have honestly ever had, and grilling steaks is something Matt does VERY well. Even the steak I had from Burn's couldn't top his (although I'm sure cost had a factor in that). Aside from small group on Friday night and church on Sunday, that's about all we have to show for our weekend and I like that. Today I need to get the house back in order, run an errand, and hopefully visit a close friend who just had her baby girl yesterday. I love watching friends become mom's now. There is so much I've wanted to express to her, share with her, prepare her for, but there just aren't the proper words in the world to express the joys and heartache of parenting. The way your heart doubles in size and the new perspective you have on everything......it's miraculous, amazing, and incredible, but no true way to describe it to someone else. Then when you see them with their new baby, you just know that they know, no words are even needed......I love that.

Compliment

I just got a phone call from my dad who was in Publix. He had some ribs I made a week or two ago and he wanted to make sure he bought the exact ingredients I used to replicate the dinner that he was making for someone special. He thought they were THAT good! Aside from my No Bake cookies, this was a first for me and it definitely made me smile. I hope the meal turns out wonderful and they enjoy them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Just toying with Christmas card ideas....this one almost made the cut.

The decisions continue

I joined the gym yesterday. I've been wanting to get back on track for quite some time now, but the gym I was a member of during my pregnancy does not take babies until they are 6 months old and the nearby gym who took them younger was much too expensive, so wait I did. Waiting was very hard for me. I worked out and exercised before and throughout my entire pregnancy. Truthfully I believe that's why my pregnancy was an absolute dream. I had minimal weight gain, a fast delivery, and a speedy recovery. I weighed myself postpartum for the first time when Elyse was 8 days old. I was wearing my regular clothes already and the scale shocked me when I realized I had just 4 pounds to loose. I'm not trying to boast, brag, or toot my own horn here, that's just when I realized that my hard work paid off and in that regard, I haven't worked very hard since.

I was starting to feel down about myself, not just physically, but in many other ways as well and I knew exercising would help. I stopped by yesterday and even though Elyse is only 5 months old they agreed to take her and I happily rejoined. I attended my first group fitness class since May last night and it felt wonderful. Matt's work travel has increased lately so there are often days and nights I'm alone and don't even get an hour to myself until Elyse goes to bed, so taking that hour for myself felt absolutely invigorating.....until they had to pull me out of class because Elyse was having a breakdown. I hurried over to where she was and she was hysterically crying, her eyes were red, her nose was running, it was just pitiful. She didn't settle until she was in her car seat and we were heading home. Upon "rescuing" her, I could immediately tell what the problem was, there were just too many people around her. Kids of all ages were trying to make her laugh and basically just in her face. Elyse doesn't like that. Neither would I. She also doesn't like to be held close or facing you, she prefers to be held facing out so she can see what's going on. She absolutely doesn't snuggle. I could count on one hand the times she has actually laid her head on my shoulder and as heartbreaking as that can be, it's who she is and it's how she is. This one trait alone tends to bite her in the butt with others because that's the first way other people tend to soothe a baby and it only aggravates her. So that was the scene I approached, kids in her face, a nursery worker trying to hold her close, and a screaming Elyse.

I felt so discouraged by how the evening went, so discouraged that for a brief second I thought about cancelling the membership. I shouldn't do this to her I thought. Having kids of all those different ages mixed together is too much. One worker can't possibly keep up with all that and my stomach will turn every time I have to leave her in there. Once she starts crawling it will only seem worse. I felt selfish for putting her through this for something I wanted to do. Well, I just don't give up that easy on anything and this would be no exception. After talking it over with Matt last night he encouraged me that I shouldn't feel guilty or selfish over something that is important to me. We came up with a few ways to try to make it work. Instead of an evening class I went to a morning class today thinking there would be less kids during school hours. We were right, there was only one little toddler in there with Elyse. It went beautifully for both of us. I also purchased 3 personal training sessions to learn to use the equipment properly for times that I can't make it to the classes because of Elyse's nap times, etc., and I could plan to go at slower times so it's more comfortable for her.

Some people would think I'm caving too much and I should "make" Elyse "get used to it". Some people may think I shouldn't be doing it at all because of how upset she got, germs from kids, or other reasons. I like our decision and even though I can't directly discuss it with Elyse, I feel like we compromised and we're both better for it.

I never thought about things like this before Elyse was here. I guess there were a lot of things I didn't think about, but then again I couldn't because I didn't have a mother's heart yet. Having a mother's heart makes everything look different and every decision seem different and so much more crucial. It's hard. I go to bed at night hoping and praying that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources that I had that day. I know I won't always get it right and I'm sure I'll have regrets, but I try. I truly give it my best, but each day, every single day of every single week of each passing month I give her to God. I prayerfully place her in His hands and if I never get anything else right, I'm confident in that. His hedge of protection provides security I couldn't ever possibly give her. His love for her is greater than anything I could offer. His wisdom is more profound than any knowledge I'll ever have. His truths offer more assurance, consistency, and stability than I'll ever be able to model. I'm thankful each and every day that Matt and I are far from parenting her alone. I get so overwhelmed and constantly question myself with the decisions I make. Parental confidence does not come naturally or easily and I wholeheartedly hurt for people who try to do this without Him. I can't possibly imagine that and thankfully I'll never have to know.