I had another oh so glorious "mother of the year" moment yesterday and it was terrible. I'll try to give you the short version. Elyse has had a runny nose and apparently she gets that with teething. Saline drops before suctioning help get it all cleared out. Elyse takes swim lessons so she also gets ear drops after her lessons. Can you see the set up yet? The bottles look almost exactly alike and I normally store them in separate areas but this time they were not.



I put one good squirt of the "saline" drops up Elyse's nose and she immediately arched back, stiffly froze and held her breath. She briefly turned purple before letting out a terrifying scream. I picked her up still not knowing what was wrong and it was then that I smelled the alcohol and I knew exactly what I had done. I felt terrible. Horrible. I flushed her nose with the saline to clear it out and a few minutes later gave her some yogurt to get the taste out of her mouth but primarily I just held her. The poor girl was so upset and I hated myself for doing that to her. After she calmed down the never ending running nose and sneezing began followed by red, squinting, puffy eyes. It was then that I really got scared. Was she having some sort of reaction? Did the drops get in her eyes? She looked just pitiful and it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. How could I be so negligent?

Thankfully one of my friends happened to call almost immediately after it happened and she made me feel so much better. After talking to her and several other girlfriends who shared their own "mother of the year" moments I realized accidents happen and it could have been much worse. I'm so thankful for my friends and our "honest mommy" moments.

They followed up at the doctor today and it was time for her 9 month well visit. She weighed in at 16 pounds 4 ounces which is in the 9th percentile and her height was just under 27" which is in the 21st percentile. She's little. Apparently a bit too little I guess. Our pedi wants us to start hiding healthy fats into her diet. I'm apprehensive about this but I'm going to give it my best shot. The older Elyse gets, the pickier she gets and she wants to eat less and less from a spoon which greatly limits my options. I am however up for the challenge and I came back from the grocery store today with a bag full of tricks I'm going to try. I'll give it my best efforts but so much of me thinks it's just her and she just happens to be little. She doesn't come from a huge family and Matt's mother in particular was very petite. Part of the concern lies in the fact that this is when babies are at their "chunkiest" and they tend to really start to thin out as they get increasingly mobile and active and at the weight she is now she doesn't have much to spare.

The pediatrician also confirmed my teething suspicion and said 6 teeth were coming in at once and we should expect to see them all within the next 2 weeks. I am not looking forward to this. I'm going to miss her little one tooth grin.


Side note: Now that it's warmer out I suddenly feel the need to get into better shape since I won't be able to hide beneath my winter clothes anymore so I am starting back at the gym and I WILL do better this time.


Time to get ready for swimming lessons!

What am I being shown about grandparents? Is it something as specific as heritage or more broad like the importance of family? Am I being shown different character qualities or are new relationships being revealed? I'm not sure but whatever it is I don't want to miss it.

My last living grandparent, my grandpa Anders (who is in the center of this photo taken in Iowa a couple of years ago), passed away around 4:30 Easter morning. I shed some tears after getting the call from my dad but I found the sorrow didn't linger and initially I was ashamed of that. I somehow thought I should have cried longer and harder but I just couldn't. I didn't see the need. There were far too many things that worked together for good in the situation and all I could do was give thanks that God used it like He did.

He lived a long, full life and from what my dad said, he still had a good sense of humor just hours before he passed. I was notified last week that some health issues had surfaced and grandpa declined treatment options that were offered. Simply put it sounded like he was just ready. I admire that and I'm so thankful he was of sound mind and body to be his own advocate and have his wishes carried out. After years without much contact words were spoken, conversations were had and although I have no idea what was said I am fully confident and overjoyed that they were the perfect words at the perfect moments and I am once again amazed and in awe of God's perfect timing.

I won't go into details but I believe and have hope that because of his passing relationships are being restored, relationships that were once declared severed and hopeless may now be on the mend.

Death. People don't talk about it much. No matter what our faith or beliefs are in what happens after we die there are still so many unknowns and unknowns can be scary. I posted about this in the past and now the topic is surfacing again. I feel somewhat guilty that I am unable to say "I am ready to die". For some reason as a Christian I feel like I'm supposed to be able to say that and I can't. I'm not afraid of dying. I have security in my salvation and the glorious life promised to me when my time here is done.....but I can't honestly say that I'm ready. Does that make any sense at all?

I need to get going and get ready to go to the Pregnancy Center. We had a great Easter weekend and I'll post some pictures of that when I have a chance.

If only I could figure out how to rotate these video clips. I apologize if you get a stiff neck attempting to watch this but she's our little rock star and Matt wanted me to post this for Opa (his dad). I think she's at least as good as all the edited lip syncing "pop" stars out there ;). I have always loved to sing but have never been good at it and I have a feeling she may be the same. Either way it's cute to me.

Kids are busy

Most of you already knew that. I knew it myself but I didn't really know it until now. It starts the day you bring them home and seems to forever be changing. In some ways she is much more busy than the first month or so and in other ways much less. No matter how I try to look at it though, she's busy. Shopping with her has gotten hard. She wants to cruise along the side of the isles with the new discovered independence her wobbly little legs provide. This is not okay with me. There isn't enough time in the day, not to mention it just isn't safe. Poor girl with such a mean mommy. By the time I've actually made my way to checkout her busy hands want to pushthe credit card machine buttons and grab at the receipt tape. Ugh. Add to that she doesn't really like to be fed by us anymore, she wants to do it herself which also seems to take an eternity and leaves me with a huge mess. She wants to be pushed around on her little train all day which just isn't an option for my back. People told us over and over, "Don't rush anything, especially their mobility." I now know exactly what they mean.

With Elyse being so busy (and I know I ain't seen nothin' yet) it has caused me to realize that I need more self-discipline. I need to prioritize chores and quiet time in a whole new way and I haven't been doing very well at that. I cherish her 2 long naps a day for dishes, laundry, email, etc. but I can't leave out the nourishment for my soul and I've learned that the hard way far too many times. Her busyness is yet another lesson of why first things must be first and last must be last and regardless of changing circumstances my life must consist of absolutes.

On the flip side I love it. She is so much more fun and being a part of her new discoveries creates an absolutely indescribable feeling of joy that keeps me feeling warm and fuzzy all day long. I love her ability to interact now. From a distance I've seen it in moms for years.....that subtle glow and tiny smile as they watch people attempt to get the baby to grin or wave. These moms are usually sitting off to the side blending with the background but never missing a blink. Often their arms are folded and this unexplainable subtle smirk that beams of how proud they are of this little person, their little person, slowly adorns their face. I love that look on moms and I love that I'm able to feel myself wear it. As a nurse who attended numerous births, my most favorite part was watching the dads as their child appeared and cried for the very first time. Although downsized a bit, I equate this with that. Again, like with everything else, I'm just trying my hardest to soak it all in.

Swimming lessons went well last night. Very well. Neither one of us cried and she even went underwater multiple times. We may have a little mermaid on our hands just yet.

The weather is amazing. The heat kicks on at night but we can leave the windows and doors open all day long. That is my favorite kind of weather. The shade is cool but as soon as you step out from it's hiding the kiss of the warm sun on your skin heightens your senses and walking a tree lined street provides the perfect mixture of both and I did it almost every day this week.

I got Elyse's first birthday invites in the mail and the party isn't until mid June which is a big deal for me. One of my goals is to procrastinate less and be better organized and if this one task has been any indication then I am succeeding. Many other areas around my house will whisper of my failures but I really am trying and I'll take my triumphs where I can get them.

I haven't talked about cooking in awhile because with Matt's schedule and travel intertwined with date nights and get togethers it has been sporadic to say the least but tonight was something to be proud of. I made beef stroganoff and it was amazing and I am not one to ever speak like that about my cooking. It took 1 hour and 30 minutes to make but it was so worth it and I'm bummed I forgot to take a picture. Oh well, it wasn't all that great to look at but it sure did taste good.

Random updates

Elyse LOVED Music with Mar on Monday and we will definitely be trying to go weekly for now. I didn't realize how much I discounted her ability to participate so much. I use the term "participate" very lightly but she did it in her own way and it was bitter sweet to see. It seemed like ages awaiting her first smiles and coos and even longer before she rolled over or sat up on her own. Now everyday is something new. Crawling, first tooth, cruising, trying to pull up, feeding herself....all happened in a matter of days and I just want to plead with her to slow down and push slow motion on the whole thing. I'm ecstatic to see her new discoveries and triumph with her as she tackles new obstacles but it's all happening so fast that I feeling like I'm losing my ability to savor it. She didn't look like a baby at all on Monday while she was sitting with all the other kids for a story in front of the teacher. She was nestled right in the middle of all the toddlers and she stared so intently at the expressive teacher reading a 3D book put to music, I just wanted to cry. How could my 9 month old appear so grown? This is all happening so fast.

Tuesday we visited Loren and Landon and we tried to snap some cute pictures. Here are a couple of my favorites.

Wednesday was her very first swimming lesson and I had heard all sorts of stories. People said how wonderful it was to start them so early and others said it's traumatic because you have to dunk them and throw them in the pool. I wasn't ready to do anything of that sort with her. I had knots in my stomach about it the entire day and by the time we got there and were about to step in the pool my heart was pounding and I felt my eyes well up with tears (I'm such a wreck sometimes). I kept telling myself to stay calm. I knew Elyse would sense my anxiety and would only make matters worse but I just couldn't help it. It was silly to be so scared because it was my child and regardless of what I was "instructed" to do with her I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. The instructor immediately picked up on how nervous I was and she said, "Don't worry, she won't be going under today." I breathed a huge sigh of relief and the lesson went well. There were tears and she was very tense but considering it was something so new and unfamiliar I was content with how it went.

I'm not sure when, where or how I picked up whatever I picked up but I spent half of the night Wednesday tossing the graham crackers and didn't have much of an appetite the next couple of days. The feeling is still lingering today but nothing like it was.

Thursday I hosted a Premier Jewelry party for a friend and had a great time with the girls. There were about 11 people total which I felt was a very good turn out. I don't like doing things like that. I don't like making people feel obligated to come to things, spend money or anything like that. I don't even like having birthday parties for myself because I don't want to be embarrassed by the amount of people that would or wouldn't come. There is such a sense of vulnerability when it comes to things like that and I just don't like it one bit. I really wanted to do this for her because she is a great friend and is just getting started in the business and I'm glad I did it and made out with some great jewelry in the process.

Friday was gorgeous. No better word than that. The weather was amazing and although I still wasn't feeling 100% I just had to take Elyse to the park. Of course I snapped a few pictures. We were supposed to go to small group but Matt's hours have been long again, he has to work part of Saturday and he will be gone part of next week so we stole the evening for ourselves and used a Cheesecake Factory gift card we had from Christmas.

Matt's at the office right now, Elyse is napping, and I have a bridal shower this afternoon.

That should just about catch things up for now.

The irony of my last post has crossed my mind so many times this last week. I wrote and posted the entry on Monday and later that week we were notified about a situation with Oma that would require her to be moved to a secured facility. Originally they were just thinking of moving her to a new room to help save on cost because she really wasn't using her kitchen anymore and the rates had gone up. A big move like this was not anticipated. It was hard news to swallow but there was no other option than to chew, digest and move forward.

Saturday Matt helped his dad move Oma and the few belongings her new residence would have room for. He brought back a box of old pictures, some from her wedding day, a few coins she had been collecting and a some other odds and ends. He didn't have to say much. I could see that it was hard for him. His ache for her and this situation is so evident and as his wife who wants nothing more than to help him through this I have found myself speechless. I'm not quite sure what he needs or what I could do to share the load of this burden.


Her new room is smaller, much smaller and she has to share it with a roommate so many of the things that make one's house feel like a home were not going to make the cut. Necessities and a select few framed photos is all there was room for.


Oma was an avid sewer and knitter. She would knit for everyone and was very good at it. We have afghans galore around our home and I remember when we told Oma we were pregnant and then later that it was a girl. Matt and I both longed for the unique and heartfelt craftsmanship of skilled and loving hands to wrap our daughter in her very first Oma afghan. While the guys were cleaning out her house Matt stumbled upon her needles and yarn attached to an inch of completed pastel pink knitting. It was started months and months ago, perhaps even a year, but it will never be completed by her hands. I can imagine how holding that little pink square saddened him with it's symbolism. With her sitting right next to him he misses her.


I pray she adjusts well to these new changes and that the short term additional confusion it has caused passes quickly. I'm thankful I was able to know her before any of this occurred and I'm able to retrieve wonderful, vibrant thoughts of her in an instant. I'm thankful she loved my husband the way she did, that she raised her daughter in such a way that gave Matt the perfect mother for him. I've only known her well for a few years but I'm so thankful for the way she is still touching my family each and every day. If I had just met her today I wouldn't be able to see and appreciate everything she is still doing for us.

I love old photos but I don't have the time right now to add very many so here are a few that stuck out to me. The first is Oma on her wedding day and the second one she had framed in her room of her with Matt as small boy.



























Aside from that my mom came and spent the night last Thursday so Matt and I could go to the Yankee's vs. Ray's spring training game. It was a chilly 45 degrees outside so we left during the 7th inning but it was a fun night regardless and having my mom around is always fun and helpful. Friday night Elyse and I went to dinner with my dad and Susan, his fiance', and played cards for awhile that evening. Saturday was the move and Sunday was church and Elyse's first time attending a friends first birthday party. It was an action packed weekend so by Sunday evening Matt and I welcomed the couch and our weekly movie.

Today I am taking Elyse to her first Music with Mar class and you just wouldn't believe how excited she it about it ;). Then Wednesday we start swimming lessons which is also exciting. Now that she is a little older and mobile she is just more and more fun by the day and I'm looking forward to doing new things with her and seeing her reactions as she reaches new milestones and discoveries daily.

The time change has made me sluggish. That or the fact that we had a very busy Sunday after losing that oh so precious hour of slumber.

We visited a friends church on Sunday and although the concept wasn't new, for someone like me it was a great reminder and something I need to hear every now and then. The message was about Moses and things he could and could not control and a reminder of the one guarantee that Christ is with us. I don't know that "control" is a huge area of struggle for me but I welcome the reminder that even though I may not have control over my circumstances or what I'm given to work with/through, I ALWAYS have control over my response. It all goes back to one of my favorite sayings that "life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond". I definitely don't always respond in the best way possible but this simple lesson that continues to be taught to me over and over helps me remember that.

After church we went to Port Richey and while I was at a family baby shower Matt went with his dad to look into some possible new housing options for Oma. Matt and his dad do such a wonderful job of taking care of things with her and as her health slowly deteriorates they do so well ensuring that things, although not always ideal, are the best they can be. I love that about them and she is so grateful. I love that about her. She has survived her only 2 daughters and 2 husbands and as the hand of Alzheimer's slowly tightens it's grip I'm thankful for each glimpse of positive German energy that is allowed to freely flow from the remnant wrinkles a lifetime of smiles have left behind. We talk about the details and the facts, how she was that day, what her week consisted of and any upcoming appointments. There is so much care and concern over all of the tiny details and I feel privileged to be an onlooker. But then there are the harder moments when she asks who the baby is that Matt's holding in a picture or when she wonders why she hasn't seen her husband all day. When those things are talked about sad eyes drift downward and gentle reminders are said with such care that the way this is all being handled continues to impress me over and over. Things like this are hard. Those that have gone through it know and those who haven't still sympathize.

Although I had met them on multiple occasions as a child and occasionally even spoke to them on the phone, I didn't truly know my grandparents. Three of the four have passed away, one grandfather still remains close to extended family in Iowa but I haven't seen him in over 2 years so in a sense I've been "spared" some of the hardships I'm seeing in Matt as he goes through this. But seeing the depth of their relationship, the magnitude of love and the way Oma's eyes turn from downcast and dull to bright and smiling when Matt appears just warms my heart. He grew up just doors down from her and they have been extremely close their entire lives. To sit and listen to the way she tells stories of him as a boy it is so evident that he has always been her entire world. I'm in awe of it. Matt used to ask her to teach him to knit and he loved going over there every day after school. I can picture them romping around the yard. I can almost feel the warmth of the laughter and smiles as the heavy German accent calls after the toe-headed little boy. Although he handles it better than one can imagine, the slow fade from chasing him around to shuffling behind a walker has been hard. To feel the sadness of the present situation he had to know the insurmountable joy of their lifelong past and it is so apparent what a gift that is. Seeing that now I know I haven't been "spared" anything at all. I'm grateful to be close to my family and honored that my daughter is being raised by such a wonderful man who models what he values in things like this.

Wow. I have no idea where all that came from. I was planning on blogging about our long day at the outlet mall on Saturday and the friend we had over for dinner last night. Both were very nice but I think I'm out of blog time so this will have to do for now.