Baby food

I'm figuring out some things with Elyse and her appetite/diet. She is ready to progress to more finger foods but not ready to have that be her only source of nutrition. She is ready for more chunky blends versus the smooth purees so that's what I've been doing all morning today. I've always made her baby food but keeping it chunky adds some new challenges but I'm giving it a go with what we happened to have on hand. I'll post a few pictures below.

I found a baby pancake recipe on wholesomebabyfoods.com. I just love that site! These pancakes were loaded with whole grain rice cereal, oatmeal, fruit, wheat flour, breast milk, bananas, apple juice and they smelled so fruity and delicious. Torn into pieces they seem to make a good finger food and I made enough to freeze. However, little miss would not eat them this morning. She wouldn't even try them. In fact she wouldn't eat any breakfast at all until I made one of her old favorites, a banana, blueberry, apple mixture. I kept it more chunky and thickened it with oatmeal, she gobbled it down.



Then I steamed some random half-bags of frozen veggies we had leftover in the freezer, chopped it and added water until it was a good consistency. The last thing I worked on was a black bean and sweet potato mix. I made enough of everything to freeze in ice cube trays and I can add the fats and proteins when I'm serving it to her. The real test will be to see if she actually eats any of it and for whatever reason I'm feeling confident that she will.
Later today we are going to watch my little sister, Erika, sky dive for her 26th birthday and all go to dinner afterward. The thought of sky diving sounds very fun to me and I'm sure I would enjoy it but I'm just too much of a chicken to dare sign up for it. Maybe some day.....nah, probably not.

Made my day

A previous NICU mom found me in a NICU group I'm part of on Facebook. She posted a picture of her 18 month old sweet little boy and thanked me for the care I gave him over a year and a half ago. She even remembered that I gave him his first bath.

I would consciously try never to take that job for granted or discount the amazing things I was a part of, but try as I may I still forgot. I couldn't remember every face, family, baby or situation but when they remember me it melts my heart. My eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. When they seek you out all that time later for something that seemed so small at the time it humbles me. He was only there a week which to any sort of ICU nurse isn't long at all but to a parent it must feel like eternity. I probably only cared for him once or twice, yet she remembers. How many times do I leave a lasting impression, good or bad, and never really know? It must happen all the time.

I miss that job.

Time to go mop the floors and clean the high chair. I wonder if anyone will notice, much less really remember and be grateful. I don't mean that to sound the way it probably does because I love and am proud to be performing these job tasks, it's just ironic that's all.

It's been nearly a week since I've posted and I feel like I have a lot to say but I can't honestly say I know how to express it all so I'll just go with the boring details and take it from there.

Matt took the day off Friday just because and it made the sweetness of our weekend linger that much longer. It was so nice to have him around. We didn't do much of anything but that made it even nicer. That evening our small group decided to go out to dinner instead of having our usual meeting because we were missing 2 couples and it was the birthday of 2 of the members so we took it upon ourselves to celebrate. We chose a Mexican restaurant and Mexican happens to be one of my favorite kinds of food, possibly my favorite actually. I think I could live off of Mexican or Italian with some good seafood thrown in there every now and then and be content for the rest of my life. Chips and salsa, churros, anything drenched in queso.....I love it all.

As a treat to ourselves Matt and I decided we would each get a nice new pair of sunglasses. I have never owned a pair that cost more than $10 and for the longest time I didn't have the desire. It was a luxury I didn't feel was necessary and I didn't have the greatest track record of taking care of my cheapie glasses so I didn't want the responsibility of a pricey pair, especially with 9 month old hand that grab. Matt has had a few pairs of nicer sunglasses over the years and after wearing his from time to time I could truly tell a difference so we decided to splurge and we are not splurger's.

We looked, compared, and modeled glasses for each other and with a 20% off coupon in tow made our purchases. Just to be sure there wasn't a better price online I searched the web as well and found both of our glasses significantly cheaper. Back we went to return the glasses and when we came home to order them we carefully inspected the website and did not have a good feeling about it. The reviews weren't great and the entire thing just seemed shady (pun intended) so back we went the next day and purchased our glasses all over again. We had to laugh at ourselves because that is just so typical of us. We are now both proud owners of name brand glasses with polarized lenses and I had better take good care of them or I may never allow myself anything nice again ;).

Sunday a group of us went down to Sarasota to watch the final polo match. We don't keep up with polo or watch it regularly but it's pretty amazing to watch in person. The horses, mallets, green grass and cool breeze along with sandwiches and treats galore make it very enjoyable even if you have no idea whats going on. I'm usually better at taking pictures but for whatever reason I didn't take many that day so you'll just have to take my word for it. It was fun. The sun was sneaky that day and stayed behind clouds for most of the afternoon but Matt and I both ended up a little sun burnt. Thankfully we remembered to put sunscreen on Elyse but we were not careful enough with ourselves and we both regret that. We'll do better next time though.

Elyse now has another tooth with a couple more very close to breaking through. This "hiding healthy fat" thing is not going very well. We've had some good days and bad days with her appetite but I'm trying not to worry too much about it. The good news is that although she is in the 9th percentile for weight, she had been in the 3rd percentile so either way we've been doing something right over the last several months. Some days she eats great and then there are days like yesterday when I only got one good meal in her. She has started to get anxious just being in her high chair and refuses to open her mouth to eat, even if it's something she previously liked. She eats best when distracted or on the go which tells me the new issues have been created by me. As hard as that may be to swallow I have to accept it, make changes, be adaptable and move forward. For now I'm setting the hiding fat aside and just focusing on getting her to eat. She ate well before all of this started so I'm going to turn my attention back to that and get the calories in where and how I can. It's hard. It's challenging. It's messy. It's frustrating. It's my job. I'm doing the best I can. I'm okay with that right now.

Just how far and how serious to take opinions and advice is difficult for me. Part of me truly believes she is just small, always has been and likely always will be. Another part of me puts a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to get her to eat and gain enough weight to nudge her above the 10th percentile so it just isn't a concern anymore. I feel like if I go to her next appointment and she has fallen off the charts that it's me that has failed her at this. She is just a baby and she is my baby which makes me fully responsible for her nutritional status and if for some reason that begins to be questioned I feel as though it would equate to an inadequacy in me. I don't like feeling inadequate, especially as a mother. However, I also know I'm the only one who allows myself to feel this pressured and believe that lie. It simply isn't true. I'm the one who made this such a big deal, no one else, and I'm going to battle it the only way I know is proven to work. I pray before her meals in a whole new way now. Instead of just blessing the food I ask for patience and confidence over every aspect of the meal. Meals should not be stressful for myself or Elyse and if they turn into that it could possibly follow her for years to come and I will not allow that. Developing a negative association with the dinner table because of issues I'm creating is not an option. No joy will be stolen over this.

I'm glad I had this little chat with myself.

Here are a just couple from Easter that we really liked.

I had another oh so glorious "mother of the year" moment yesterday and it was terrible. I'll try to give you the short version. Elyse has had a runny nose and apparently she gets that with teething. Saline drops before suctioning help get it all cleared out. Elyse takes swim lessons so she also gets ear drops after her lessons. Can you see the set up yet? The bottles look almost exactly alike and I normally store them in separate areas but this time they were not.



I put one good squirt of the "saline" drops up Elyse's nose and she immediately arched back, stiffly froze and held her breath. She briefly turned purple before letting out a terrifying scream. I picked her up still not knowing what was wrong and it was then that I smelled the alcohol and I knew exactly what I had done. I felt terrible. Horrible. I flushed her nose with the saline to clear it out and a few minutes later gave her some yogurt to get the taste out of her mouth but primarily I just held her. The poor girl was so upset and I hated myself for doing that to her. After she calmed down the never ending running nose and sneezing began followed by red, squinting, puffy eyes. It was then that I really got scared. Was she having some sort of reaction? Did the drops get in her eyes? She looked just pitiful and it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. How could I be so negligent?

Thankfully one of my friends happened to call almost immediately after it happened and she made me feel so much better. After talking to her and several other girlfriends who shared their own "mother of the year" moments I realized accidents happen and it could have been much worse. I'm so thankful for my friends and our "honest mommy" moments.

They followed up at the doctor today and it was time for her 9 month well visit. She weighed in at 16 pounds 4 ounces which is in the 9th percentile and her height was just under 27" which is in the 21st percentile. She's little. Apparently a bit too little I guess. Our pedi wants us to start hiding healthy fats into her diet. I'm apprehensive about this but I'm going to give it my best shot. The older Elyse gets, the pickier she gets and she wants to eat less and less from a spoon which greatly limits my options. I am however up for the challenge and I came back from the grocery store today with a bag full of tricks I'm going to try. I'll give it my best efforts but so much of me thinks it's just her and she just happens to be little. She doesn't come from a huge family and Matt's mother in particular was very petite. Part of the concern lies in the fact that this is when babies are at their "chunkiest" and they tend to really start to thin out as they get increasingly mobile and active and at the weight she is now she doesn't have much to spare.

The pediatrician also confirmed my teething suspicion and said 6 teeth were coming in at once and we should expect to see them all within the next 2 weeks. I am not looking forward to this. I'm going to miss her little one tooth grin.


Side note: Now that it's warmer out I suddenly feel the need to get into better shape since I won't be able to hide beneath my winter clothes anymore so I am starting back at the gym and I WILL do better this time.


Time to get ready for swimming lessons!

What am I being shown about grandparents? Is it something as specific as heritage or more broad like the importance of family? Am I being shown different character qualities or are new relationships being revealed? I'm not sure but whatever it is I don't want to miss it.

My last living grandparent, my grandpa Anders (who is in the center of this photo taken in Iowa a couple of years ago), passed away around 4:30 Easter morning. I shed some tears after getting the call from my dad but I found the sorrow didn't linger and initially I was ashamed of that. I somehow thought I should have cried longer and harder but I just couldn't. I didn't see the need. There were far too many things that worked together for good in the situation and all I could do was give thanks that God used it like He did.

He lived a long, full life and from what my dad said, he still had a good sense of humor just hours before he passed. I was notified last week that some health issues had surfaced and grandpa declined treatment options that were offered. Simply put it sounded like he was just ready. I admire that and I'm so thankful he was of sound mind and body to be his own advocate and have his wishes carried out. After years without much contact words were spoken, conversations were had and although I have no idea what was said I am fully confident and overjoyed that they were the perfect words at the perfect moments and I am once again amazed and in awe of God's perfect timing.

I won't go into details but I believe and have hope that because of his passing relationships are being restored, relationships that were once declared severed and hopeless may now be on the mend.

Death. People don't talk about it much. No matter what our faith or beliefs are in what happens after we die there are still so many unknowns and unknowns can be scary. I posted about this in the past and now the topic is surfacing again. I feel somewhat guilty that I am unable to say "I am ready to die". For some reason as a Christian I feel like I'm supposed to be able to say that and I can't. I'm not afraid of dying. I have security in my salvation and the glorious life promised to me when my time here is done.....but I can't honestly say that I'm ready. Does that make any sense at all?

I need to get going and get ready to go to the Pregnancy Center. We had a great Easter weekend and I'll post some pictures of that when I have a chance.

If only I could figure out how to rotate these video clips. I apologize if you get a stiff neck attempting to watch this but she's our little rock star and Matt wanted me to post this for Opa (his dad). I think she's at least as good as all the edited lip syncing "pop" stars out there ;). I have always loved to sing but have never been good at it and I have a feeling she may be the same. Either way it's cute to me.

Kids are busy

Most of you already knew that. I knew it myself but I didn't really know it until now. It starts the day you bring them home and seems to forever be changing. In some ways she is much more busy than the first month or so and in other ways much less. No matter how I try to look at it though, she's busy. Shopping with her has gotten hard. She wants to cruise along the side of the isles with the new discovered independence her wobbly little legs provide. This is not okay with me. There isn't enough time in the day, not to mention it just isn't safe. Poor girl with such a mean mommy. By the time I've actually made my way to checkout her busy hands want to pushthe credit card machine buttons and grab at the receipt tape. Ugh. Add to that she doesn't really like to be fed by us anymore, she wants to do it herself which also seems to take an eternity and leaves me with a huge mess. She wants to be pushed around on her little train all day which just isn't an option for my back. People told us over and over, "Don't rush anything, especially their mobility." I now know exactly what they mean.

With Elyse being so busy (and I know I ain't seen nothin' yet) it has caused me to realize that I need more self-discipline. I need to prioritize chores and quiet time in a whole new way and I haven't been doing very well at that. I cherish her 2 long naps a day for dishes, laundry, email, etc. but I can't leave out the nourishment for my soul and I've learned that the hard way far too many times. Her busyness is yet another lesson of why first things must be first and last must be last and regardless of changing circumstances my life must consist of absolutes.

On the flip side I love it. She is so much more fun and being a part of her new discoveries creates an absolutely indescribable feeling of joy that keeps me feeling warm and fuzzy all day long. I love her ability to interact now. From a distance I've seen it in moms for years.....that subtle glow and tiny smile as they watch people attempt to get the baby to grin or wave. These moms are usually sitting off to the side blending with the background but never missing a blink. Often their arms are folded and this unexplainable subtle smirk that beams of how proud they are of this little person, their little person, slowly adorns their face. I love that look on moms and I love that I'm able to feel myself wear it. As a nurse who attended numerous births, my most favorite part was watching the dads as their child appeared and cried for the very first time. Although downsized a bit, I equate this with that. Again, like with everything else, I'm just trying my hardest to soak it all in.

Swimming lessons went well last night. Very well. Neither one of us cried and she even went underwater multiple times. We may have a little mermaid on our hands just yet.

The weather is amazing. The heat kicks on at night but we can leave the windows and doors open all day long. That is my favorite kind of weather. The shade is cool but as soon as you step out from it's hiding the kiss of the warm sun on your skin heightens your senses and walking a tree lined street provides the perfect mixture of both and I did it almost every day this week.

I got Elyse's first birthday invites in the mail and the party isn't until mid June which is a big deal for me. One of my goals is to procrastinate less and be better organized and if this one task has been any indication then I am succeeding. Many other areas around my house will whisper of my failures but I really am trying and I'll take my triumphs where I can get them.

I haven't talked about cooking in awhile because with Matt's schedule and travel intertwined with date nights and get togethers it has been sporadic to say the least but tonight was something to be proud of. I made beef stroganoff and it was amazing and I am not one to ever speak like that about my cooking. It took 1 hour and 30 minutes to make but it was so worth it and I'm bummed I forgot to take a picture. Oh well, it wasn't all that great to look at but it sure did taste good.