Meaningful movement

I'm trying to absorb every last squirm and kick that I feel our daughter make. I know without a doubt I'm going to miss this. Carrying her with me throughout the day and having this constant little companion is priceless. It's been such a gift and words pale in describing how intimate this is. I'm not sure how much I'll actually feel that once she is here because I know I will be so thankful and overwhelmed with her very presence that the thought of missing her movements inside me may not linger long.

My heart swells and my love for her grows with each movement she makes. The strength of her limbs have increased with every passing week as she grows bigger and stronger, which makes her presence that much more apparent and tells me she is already growing up so fast. It's almost as though she is using those little hands and arms to draw me closer to her. Sometimes her movements feel so intense and determined it's as if she has a goal in mind. I like to imagine that she is squirming around trying to find a way to hold onto me if she could just figure out how.

I have a pregnant friend who is just a few weeks behind me, she said "I don't like feeling the baby move. It's weird and uncomfortable". Other women have described it to me as slightly painful or said they felt like there was an alien inside them. I'm thankful I have never shared these thoughts. Maybe it's all about perspective because the added weight isn't my idea of fun, the excruciating back pain can be unbearable at times, bringing me to tears, and feeling her movement is a unique and different feeling to say the least, but it's exhilarating to me.

There will likely only be a couple of times in my life that I get to experience this. You're almost half-way through the pregnancy before this begins and I'm only 110 days from my due date now. In hindsight it will seem like such a blink in time and I will never, ever be able to experience this again with her. She and I have been given these few months that belong to us alone. No one else gets to carry her around or take her everywhere they go, no one else's walking calms her to sleep or gets to feel her movements settle when I rock back and forth on my feet. Mine is the only voice she hears from within. Her secluded quarters gently vibrate with the movements of my laughter or my crying. It is intimate to say the least and as much as my arms long to hold her and my lips long to meet the soft skin of her cheeks, I'm soaking this in because I am definitely going to miss this.

Need more discipline

I know I'm in the "easy" part of pregnancy, but I can honestly say since about 10 weeks along, my body has LOVED being pregnant. I haven't had a headache since about week 10 (I used to get them quite frequently) and have never slept better than I have this entire time. I am finally one of those people whose head can hit the pillow and in a matter of minutes, I'm out cold. I used to have to read before bed, sometimes it would take hours just to wind my mind and my body down to a state of relaxation before my body would give in to the calls of Mr. Sandman. At least once or twice a month I wouldn't sleep at all. I have no idea why, but I would just toss and turn all night.

This happened to me quite often as a child as well. I would lie in bed awake and cry about how tired I knew I was going to be at school the next day. As an adult I've learned instead of fighting it, I would use it for good. I began reading scripture or other devotional books. I would often use it as my uninterrupted devoted time to God. The house still and quiet, our room completely dark except for the subtle glow of my reading lamp, it became the perfect setting. Often after Matt would fall asleep I would get on my knees beside my bed and pray. It wasn't long before I fell in love with this time and the spiritual growth I felt during those months was intense.

Now I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to find my pillow. I have attempted reading several times to no avail and I have not yet devoted another time during the day to have that uninterrupted intimate time with God. I miss it and I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go on this long. The consequences are evident, I can feel it within my soul and it's apparent by my mindset lately. I also feel like I'm short changing my daughter in this too, because I truly believe that she can sense those close intimate moments with my savior as well.

I have tried several times during the day at different points but nothing has stuck yet. When I work, I'm up at 4:45am and get home at 8:00pm. . . by the time I eat, shower, and get things ready for the next day it's bed time. On those days I tried going somewhere quiet and alone on my lunch break, but that didn't work either. Critical needs of ICU infants would arise and a rushed 30 minutes to scarf down more fuel would happen all to quickly. On days off I tried mornings before ever leaving the house, afternoons if I neglected the mornings, and if I put it off until the evening it just didn't happen. I've discovered I am extremely easily distracted and the hum of a lawn mower or the click of the mail man closing the mail box would cause my mind to wander. . ."I wonder if that's the lawn guys doing our yard", "If so, I hope they can do something about those really bad dead spots", "We really need to mulch again soon". . . . "I wonder what came in the mail", "Maybe it's our next Netflix dvd . . . which one did we order again". Those are just a few examples, but the list is endless of the mindless things that distract me from time that He is so deserving of.

One day I just wasn't going to stand for this anymore, I had to figure out a solution to not allow myself to be distracted. After trying different places and different things, I ended up in the dark, on the floor, completely enclosed in our guest bedroom closet. It was then that I was finally able to surrender and give myself over to Him and as always, He met me there. It was beautiful, emotional, and intense. . . and oh how I miss it.

This hasn't happened often enough and I need to get back on track. I could blame it on time constraints and say "If there were just more hours in the day". . . , or "If there weren't so many distractions, I would do this more often", I could attempt to rationalize that "being pregnant just makes me so tired, I'll do better another time". How easy it can be to overlook personal accountability and blame issues on other people, circumstances, or even God. Unfortunately this does not solve my problems or bring me any closer to God, in fact it can subtly escort me to the very edge of backsliding. There is no one to blame but me. Telling myself anything else is nothing short of a lie and I know that. He deserves better than this, much better. If I plan on building this house, this marriage, and this family on a foundation built of stone, it starts and ends with my relationship with Him. This very lesson I've learned several times over in life and I know without a doubt that this HAS to be one area of my life that I do not neglect. I will do better. Failure in this is not an option.

Increased senses

I was reading in one of my pregnancy books that around 24 weeks we should be able to begin to see our daughter's movements from the outside of my belly.

I was sitting on the couch while I read this and she was stirring, so I thought "Hmmm...." and I lifted up my shirt. Low and behold my belly was jumping! I guess it was more like little jiggles, almost jello-like, but I was amazed! When Matt got home that evening I called over to him and he came running over to watch and she was loving the attention because she showed her daddy her moves too.

I am much more impressed by these things than he is, but he was fascinated none the less. I love to just sit and watch her now, it's a new form of entertainment that nothing else can compare to. It's another sense added. . . I have had the sense of touch for awhile, but now there is somewhat of a sense of sight thrown in. It won't be long now until I can smell her, that soothing, powdery fresh baby smell and ultimately the sense of sound. . . hearing her first cries as her tiny lungs expand with air for the very first time.

Muffin Top

My Aunt Jo sent me some pictures of different animals doing really cute things. This one made me think of me getting into my pants lately, so I thought I'd post it for kicks.

Beach bump

I thought I would post a couple of baby bump pictures Kristin emailed me from our beach day on Friday. We are 6 months along here and we sure grew fast!

To be honest, I have had a little trouble embracing this rapidly growing belly of mine. There are many ways and times I LOVE it, adore it, and wish I could hold it and kiss it the way Matt does. I love that our daughter rests within it's walls, I am honored that I have been given this incredible opportunity and this amazing gift, I'm in awe at the miracle of it all, and I'm speechless with the wonder contained within my very own skin.

Then there are times when I retire yet another pair of pants or shirt that doesn't fit and I realize that June is still so far away and the bulk of growth is yet to occur. It's hard being too big for your clothes, even if you do have such a wonderful reason . . . it's still hard.

I have had several friends tell me one of their biggest regrets is not having more "belly shots" of their pregnancy and I can already see exactly what they mean. The last thing I wanted was to have my picture taken in a bikini, but their words of motherly wisdom rang in my head and I struck a pose. I felt so . . . well, pregnant, big, and exposed. My chest is unattractively bigger, my skin is pale, and my belly is round. I wanted to sit and curl around her to hide. I wanted to suck my gut in, but there was no getting away with that with this little girl.

As reluctant as I was, when I opened the pictures in my email today I LOVED them. They are far from professional and we didn't try very hard for very long, but they captured me the way I imagine other people see me. I looked like a cute pregnant girl. I can almost see the glow people talk about, and even though I can't see it, I am definitely feeling it. I don't look too big, I look pregnant. For right now, today, this is the proudest and most confident I have ever been of my body.

Tales of another weekend past

The weekend brought much fun and relaxation. With Matt out of town through Thursday night, I met up with my friend Kristin at her place a block from Madiera Beach. We went out for a nice dinner at a local hot spot and I spent the night at her place. Friday we woke up and took her dog and 2 other dogs she was sitting for on a 3.5 mile walk to the dog park. We grabbed lunch and hit the sandy beaches! The weather could not have been better and we relaxed in the sun for a few hours. The sounds of the waves, a salty breeze, and the perfect warmth of the sun soothing your skin all while enjoying hours of good ol' girl talk hit the spot for me. I felt a little weird being 6 months pregnant in a bikini, but I didn't let that stop my fun. We caught the sunset that afternoon (which was gorgeous) and went to dinner before meeting up with Matt after he drove in from TPA.

Matt and I both spent the night at Kristin's Friday night in hopes of catching another gorgeous day on the beach, but nature had other plans with overcast skies and a chilly breeze. We packed it up and headed home early and napped on the couch before getting dressed for our Valentine's date night.
Matt took me to a restaurant where we enjoyed steak and grouper outside on a wooden deck at sunset, it was perfect out.

We then headed home where he made me brownie a la mode for dessert and we enjoyed a quiet evening in.

Sunday brought a wonderful church service followed by lunch with his family and a trip to the gym. We topped off the evening with a chicken salad dinner and left over brownies during our traditional Sunday evening movie.

Monday whisked him away to Atlanta again, but he should be back Wednesday. As for myself, I have been to the gym, the dentist for a cleaning, and the grocery store. Now I need to eat lunch and shower before I head to the center . . . then it's work, work, work for the remainder of the week.

Quiet

Matt left early Monday morning for Atlanta. He left Atlanta Monday night for Memphis, and is still there as we speak. He will land home to Tampa tomorrow at 8pm. The poor guy has been getting up early and working late on a project there. He is such a dedicated, hard worker and I admire that so much about him. He gives his job his very best, but he leaves it there at the end of the day. I love that. He can be stressed, exhausted, and have 10 things that needed to be done yesterday, but they remain at the office or our garage door at the very least. The world may be on his shoulders, but you would never know. When he's home, he's home and despite any stress or fatigue he is wonderful to be around.

I am not like that. When I'm tired I'm crabby and if I had a bad day at work, you'll know about it. I don't keep the pains of fatigued feet and tired legs to myself. If it's been an especially rough day, just feed me a little dinner and send me to bed. Exhausted is something I have never done well but I have a feeling I'm going to get better at it in the near future.

Needless to say, with Matt gone the house has been quiet. There is the occasional noise of the TV in the background but I don't really watch it much. Every now and then the cat yelps out in her old senile way and the phone rings here and there. Other than that the house is still and although it may seem lonely or empty, I've taken it in. Words like "still" or "quiet" may not roam the insides of these walls for years to come so I've enjoyed the peacefulness of it's lack of sound.

This is day 4 though. I'm ready for him to be home.