Loosing myself

I feel like almost all I blog about anymore is pregnancy or baby related. Granted, my blog is about my life and that's what my life is about right now, but I don't want this to be just a baby blog. I don't want to become so consumed by "baby-ness" that I loose my sense of self and the multiple occurrences and lessons in life that have nothing to do with the baby.

It was so sweet of Matt to get me a card and gift for mother's day, but at the same time it was eye opening. Staring at my name on that envelope and then the word "mom" in parentheses right next to it stirred me. I know I'm about to become a mom, but I still want to be Ursula. You hear so many people referenced as "so-in-so's mom" that it's easy to see how you loose yourself if you aren't careful. I'll often be known as "Elyse's mom" and I'm sure I'll introduce myself that way at times too, but hopefully I'll somehow have figured out a way to balance being Ursula too.

I can tell it's already begun because my birthday is a couple of weeks away and it completely slipped my mind until someone asked me about it. They wanted to know what I wanted to do for my birthday, which was normally something I enjoyed planning ahead of time, and it just doesn't feel important this year and I'm not sure if it will ever have the same importance again. Sure, I wouldn't mind dinner out with family or friends, but I have a feeling my birthday is going to sneak up for years to come and often pass unnoticed by me until someone else mentions it. I'm more than ok with this, but it's just an example of how you apparently loose, or rather give, a part of yourself to your child.

This reminds me of one of my favorite lines in the book The Purpose Driven Life: What on earth am I here for?, it happens to be the opening line..."It's not about you. The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."

So maybe I'm being reminded again that it's not about me and it's not about "baby-ness" either, it's about Him and in that case, I hope I do loose myself.

I just got back from my first "mommies" lunch. Two other women in our small group either just had, or are about to have a baby and one of them lives just up the street. We ate at a local Panera and just talked baby talk...birth questions and concerns, new baby supplies, and must-haves for toddlers...it was very nice. I've been nervous about that aspect of all of this. We don't know many people with kids and a lot of my long-time friends aren't quite to this season yet, so it was really nice to be able to connect like that before Elyse is even here. I'm very thankful I know ahead of time that I'll have that outlet when I need it and a mommy friend so close by.

I'm still not back to feeling 100% myself, so I plan to lay low for most of the day, but there are a few things I'd like to get done. I've had an interesting time trying to hang a curtain rod in Elyse's room....apparently there is mental somewhere behind the drywall near the frame of the window and anchors don't like to screw into metal. Needless to say I'm having to patch and repaint some holes and the task in general isn't exactly easy with a protruding belly, but I do hope to get it done soon.

I have all of her clothes, towels, burp-cloths, and blankets birth through 3 months washed, folded, and put away...that was a big relief because they were just stacked in piles around her room and the clutter was really starting to get to me. Now there is just new clutter of curtain rods, shelves, tools, and other stuff I want to hang strung about that stares at me....hopefully I'll get to that soon...actually, maybe I should try to do that now.

Under the weather

I must have come down with something. I just spent the last 12 hours in bed and still feel like I could crawl right back in and rest another 12. I have that achy, foggy, run down feeling accompanied by razor blades in my throat. As usual, we have been extremely busy and this weeks calendar looks no different. I'm scheduled a lot at work and have commitments just about any time I'm not working. Sometimes when this happens I can't help but wonder if instead of being nudged to slow down, I get sick so I'm forced to. I have to rest, relax, and choose only absolutely necessary tasks to expend my precious energy on. Being sick often brings me back to the sense of necessity and reminds me that certain things can just wait....I have a VERY hard time with this when I'm feeling well and I struggle with it even when I'm sick. It's no surprise that there was a lot I was hoping to get done today to have the house in tidy working order before the week was in full force. I wanted to plan this weeks meals, do some grocery shopping, pick up a couple of gifts I need to buy, do a little bit of laundry, and work in the baby's room a bit....just the thought of all that exhausts me today, I wonder what I'll get done.

Mother's Day

First of all....Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

I got my first "early" mother's day card and had several people call me or wish me a Happy Mother's Day in person. I was caught off guard and don't feel deserving of it quite yet, it felt so strange and made me blush inside and out. I guess this is officially a holiday I will not only honor my own mother for, but I will be recognized myself. I really am growing up I guess.

Baby updates

We are almost 35 weeks now!!!! To an NICU nurse, that is VERY exciting. We saw the doctor Friday and we were able to have another ultrasound...those are always fun. My weight gain has been on the low side and I've measured small once or twice, so he just wanted to check her size and make sure she was progressing like she should. They guess her weight to currently be right at 5 pounds which puts her perfectly in the 28th percentile and anticipate her to be right at 7 pounds on her due date...so despite mommy's size, Elyse is right on target!

My has she changed from the grain of rice with a heartbeat we saw on the screen back in October. They image had to be magnified numerous times to get a peek of the flickering peanut, and now she consumes my entire belly with her head nestled in my pelvis and her bottom just below my chest. She was squirming, moving, and we could see her practicing her breathing movements. She even puckered her lips a few times and we could see her moving her tongue around in her mouth. The tech pointed out a "fuzzy" image surrounding her head and informed us that was her hair! Apparently it looked like she has lots of it, but I'm still skeptical on that one, I anticipate a beautifully bald baby.

The nesting phase of the pregnancy is well under-way and I've officially done her first load of laundry, now I'm just trying to get it all organized.

As I type I can feel her hiccuping and her feet have discovered my ribs within the last couple of weeks. Her movements can be seen through a fitted t-shirt and she moves all over the place before finding her "sweet spot" to settle into when I'm getting into bed. I dream of what the moment will be like when Matt and I see her for the very first time, when these months of anticipation come to fruition, when the numerous decisions, detailed planning, and hours of preparation boil down to a split second when we become parents. The two of us became one the moment we were married and we will be made a family when she's placed in our arms. My mind can't comprehend what that will be like and my body can't contain the joy, I tear up each time I think about it. At times I want it all to happen now, but more often, I want to soak and savor every aspect of this unique, intimate time we're in.

Our daughter's name

Naming a child has to be one of the most difficult things we've had to decide in a long, long time. We wanted her name to have meaning and significance, not just something trendy during the year of her birth. We wanted it to be uncommon, but not weird, unique, but not difficult to say or spell, but more than anything else, I wanted it to be placed so strongly on our hearts that we just knew the name belonged to her.

So much is behind a name and it will be hers forever...we knew it was a HUGE decision and one we did not take lightly. We spent months deciding, but we kept coming back to the first name we started with, the only name we had picked out before we knew she was even a girl.

Our daughter's name is Elyse Christina !

The name Elyse (Pronunciation: a-LEESE) is Hebrew and it means "God's promise" or "promised to God". It even meantmore to us because Mathew means "Gift from God" and now we have a to and a from. The night I had my little breakdown in the car and I promised our little girl to God, her name was sealed on my heart.I pretended to toss other names around and even

toyed with the idea of it being something else and I wanted to make sure Matt liked the name as much as I did, but it was that night in the car that I knew Elyse was to be her name. Her middle name is after Matt's mom who passed away 7 years ago this month. I greatly wish I would have had the opportunity to know her and I even wish it more so for our daughter. I love hearing stories about her and I think Elyse will too. Everything about her sounds amazing and naming our daughter after her is an honor.

We chose to spell it Elyse instead of Elise because we have heard that the spelling Elise, when read quickly, often causes people to read it as Elsie, so using the y was our way of trying to prevent that if possible. We also just both really liked the look of the y, hopefully she will too.

Sunday afternoon my friend Kristin with help from my friend Rachel threw an amazing shower at our house. There were many people I hadn't seen in awhile and don't see nearly enough and it was such a nice time. The numerous gifts and necessities for Elyse are really starting to help me feel a little more prepared and I'm starting to grasp just how close we really are to bringing her home with us.

Chore basket of blessings

In the midst of all my nesting, there are so many things about myself that seem to be surfacing. Maybe I'm being refined in the process of trying to prepare a home for our daughter, after all, what good is an adorable nursery and researched stroller if the mother's a mess.

I overwhelm myself. I often place unrealistic expectations of the things that I feel MUST be accomplished in a day. I begin fresh, pure, unscathed days with a mental chore list a mile long and before my feet hit the floor I know I've already failed. I buzz around at a ridiculous pace bouncing from one task to the next only to get side-tracked by one that wasn't on my list, but of course needs to be tended to right then. As I type this, I feel like I've written about this before. I have an inability to just relax and be still. Even at rest numerous things parade through my mind of synapsing neurons and it interferes with my ability to enjoy even the simplest of tasks. That's the odd thing....many of the things I do, in my heart of hearts, I like doing them. I love the sense of accomplishment and the reward of a clean house, empty laundry baskets, a stocked fridge, and a decorated nursery....I like that a lot. Somehow in my hustle and bustle I get away from the honor that it is to be doing those things.

Here is something new I'm trying to help change this about myself:

While I'm folding laundry I pray for the person or task it has to do with. For example, if it's Matt's work clothes I pray over him at his job and the things that go along with that. If it's my scrubs for the hospital, I pray over the babies and families I'm connected with each day and ask for guidance and patience for the incredible situations being faced. If it's my pregnancy pillowcase, I pray over my body and baby. My lab coat for the Pregnancy Center, the sheets for our bed, the hand towels for our kitchen...you get the idea. Before I knew it I was staring at a basket of blessings that had once been an item on a checklist anxiously awaiting to be crossed off by a hurried hand. It obviously took me longer to accomplish the goal, but the process was restored and a chore became a way to connect.

Hopefully I can keep this up and find new ways to slow down old tasks and restore the honor that so many "chores" truly are.