Out with the old....

in with the new.

It's been hectic getting the house back to normal after a week at the beach and a total overhaul of our flooring.  Once the dust was cleared I began courting my new floors, learning her nooks and how she best shines.  We're getting along well.

 Yes, we normally have a TV but it's too heavy to move alone and, frankly, I just don't watch it.  I haven't had a TV on in almost 2 weeks and I can't say I've even noticed.  I HAVE had my computer on though, which can be just as distracting.

 It's hard to appreciate in pictures.  Our old tile was, well, old.  It was cracked in numerous places and separating from the walls.  It was also white.  Very white.  Which did not get along with my need to be clean side.  We went ahead and changed out the base boards too, which is also hard to tell in pictures, but they are now 5 1/4" versus 3".

They are a travertine look-alike without the headache of travertine.  I'm so happy they are here!  The job was completed Monday, June 4th, on my 31st birthday.  I still have decor and drapes to put back out, but we are finally pretty much back to normal.  I like her so much I think I'll name her.......Floora!

It's been awhile since a post......

because we're here.

And it's fun.

I'll post more later.

Lingering presence

We have a routine for Elyse with bedtime, both girls really, but Elyse's is well established and probably like many other toddler bedtime routines.

Go potty, brush teeth, choose and read 3 books together, pray, lights out, goodnight.

Lately she has asked us to stay a little longer, lie down in the bed with her for "lots of minutes".  We try to grant this request when we can but not make a lingering habit of it.  When I make the time, it has unexpectedly become one of my most favorite times of day.

When I know I'm going to lie down with her, I'll wait until then to pray with her.  I'll ask her what she would like to pray about and I just love her heart.  She will ask me to remind her what we did that day, often she remembers on her own, and she will tell me what she wants to thank Jesus for.  She is so thankful for the daily things, the things I overlook, the things that exist every single day.  Windows, neighbors, blankets, going to the park, our pool.  

Tonight she talked about how the little neighbor boy hurt her feelings when he took a toy from her.  She recalled how she didn't cry but that it made her sad when he did that.  She said he wasn't being a good listener to his mommy.  I took this all in as she hadn't mentioned any of this before and I had never heard her describe her feelings as being hurt.  I wanted to chose my words carefully.

We talked about what leads us to make poor choices but that even though he did, we forgive him for it because we also make bad choices sometimes and we desire forgiveness from others as well.  We don't like what he did, but we still like him.

This small conversation happened in the dark of a twin sized bed with a white noise machine humming in the background.  I was softly tickling her back and she turned on her side to me and said, "I'm sorry I hit you today."  She had hit me in frustration a little before lunch, the situation was quickly handled but a fruitful conversation never occurred at the time.  She proceeded to repeat herself and apologize again.  I told her I forgave her but explained how good it made me feel to hear her say she was sorry.  She gently touched the place on my arm that received the pint sized blow and asked if it hurt anymore.  She felt remorse and concern.  I told her my arm didn't hurt and my heart was so happy.

Maybe she needed her emotions to settle.  Maybe it was our prayer.  Maybe she needed me paused in a tender moment with her.  Maybe she needed to be reminded that we must constantly forgive others, a lesson in humanness.  Maybe in realizing her feelings were hurt today, she realized that she had hurt mine as well.  Maybe it was a little of all of it.

Whatever it was, she got it today.  She didn't seem 2 years old.  She seemed older and wiser than me.  She needed my undivided, unhurried attention.  She needed my presence to linger and so often that's how it is with God.  I can hurry through a quick prayer, meaningful, but quick.  I cover the basics but without lingering in His presence I'm not allowing God to search me and know me, to point out any offensive way in me and lead me in an everlasting way (Psalm 139:23).  

I need to pause.  Lie down with her.  Lie down in His green pastures.  I need to linger more and hurry less.

As I sit and type this I overhear her playing with her baby dolls in her bed.  Hearing her love them, discipline them, talk to them......is often so encouraging to me.  She hears me.  It won't all sink in overnight, but she's listening.  I needed to know that.

I didn't need to know she had secretly reached over the side of her bed and lifted every last one of her dolls into her bed because "they are friends", but that's pretty darn cute too.

I love that kid.

Instinctual

I'm a mom.  I'm a nurse.  I have guided instincts that speak.  I have a self-conscience that shushes.

Monday morning Adley awoke first thing with a fever of 102.  I'm not one to panic, I'm not one to medicate, I'm not one to call the doctor over much of anything.  By afternoon it was over 104.  This went on all of Monday, all of Tuesday and all of Wednesday.  She was extra sleepy but not lethargic, nursing but not taking any solids.  She was sweet, snugly, needy, and hot to the touch.  A high fever for 3 days.  No other symptoms.  No runny nose, no vomiting or diarrhea, no cough, no pulling on ears, nothings, just a high fever and a sleepy, not hungry baby.  

The nurse in me spoke up.  "After assessing the clinical presentation of our patient I have come to the conclusion that this is either a virus, likely Roseola, or a UTI.  In case it's a UTI, she needs to be looked at.  An untreated UTI can spread to the blood making a young baby very ill and can also scar the kidneys.  We don't want to put her at risk now do we?"

The mom in me, the little timid voice of instinct, waited for her chance to say her peace.  "She's fine.  Adley is just fine.  I know this little baby, I know her well Ms. Nurse, and you need to trust me on this, no good will come from the doctor.  Let the fever do it's work and ride it out.  Trust me, I just know."

Nurse speaks again, "What if you're wrong?  Don't you want peace of mind?  How would you feel if it was something serious and you neglected getting her the medical care she needed?  Are you aware that a silent fever without any other symptoms is far more worrisome than a symptomatic fever?  Are you????!!!!!"

This battle waged for much of Wednesday.  At 4:30pm the nurse won and I called the nurse line of our Pediatrician's office.  As soon as I left the message a felt the pang of regret.  Of course they were going to call back and want her seen based on her age alone. It wasn't until I left that message that I realized I had no intention of taking her before I even called. 

They didn't return my call until after hours and told me Adley needed to be seen in urgent care tonight.  I rolled my eyes over the phone, angry with myself for setting this ball into motion.  I had another choice to make.  Was I going to take her?

I did.  The first urgent care clinic assessed her and came to my exact conclusion.  Virus or UTI.  They didn't have the equipment to catheterize such a small baby so we were sent to yet another clinic, 20 minutes away. I was able to drop Elyse at a friends because Matt was out of town and made my way to the after hours pediatric care clinic.  I was given another chance to trust myself and just take us all home.  Adley had no urinary symptoms at all but the nurse in me won again because I feared given her calm, content disposition maybe I wouldn't be able to tell.

The entire ordeal from phone call to getting her back home into her bed was almost 5 hours.

In those 5 hours Adley was held down through exhausted tears (it was well after bedtime) to have her blood drawn and a catheter inserted to obtain a sterile urine sample.  It was awful.  It could have been a lot worse but it was terrible enough for me.  I would rock her to sleep in that tiny little room just before someone would walk back in to poke at her once again.  She was a trooper, she really was.  The staff at both clinics commented on what a good baby she was, attempting smiles through her struggles, not willing to be angry at anyone.  She was sweet.  She was my Adley.

Her urine and blood work came back "beautifully" as the doctor put it.  "A virus, probably Roseola, and I'm relatively certain you'll see a rash surface in the next couple of days."

She was fine.  A virus, yes, but nothing anyone could do anything about.  That little voice was right.  The voice that is so often scared to speak up and be heard but still manages to say her peace.  

I tied the hands of the medical profession by making that first call.  I also tied my own hands.  They couldn't ignore me, and being the one that called, I felt I shouldn't ignore them.  Adley paid the price.  Sure I left with "peace of mind" that a raging infection wasn't going to spread from her urinary tract into her blood and also scar her kidneys but if I'm honest with myself, I expected no other results to be given.

I learned a lot on Wednesday.  

I've often heard the phrase, "Go to the Throne before you go to the phone".  It's a very wise saying for many instances, but especially for me this week.

Evidence in photos she didn't feel good.......

 Hoping the snuggly bug sticks!

Mother's Day

As a mom of two kids and a daughter of 30 years, you would think Mother's Day would be quite the event in our house.  It isn't.

We don't do brunches or flowers, spa days or breakfast in bed.  We don't do presents and I don't expect to be treated like a queen.

I'm a mom.  I have children who don't yet know enough to appreciate me, yet I feel their gratitude in their beaming eyes.  I feel their love in sticky tugs and comfort in teary embraces.

I awoke today not pondering how deserving I am as a mom or how appreciated I hoped the day would make me feel.  I awoke to two beautiful faces, faces that were knit within my womb, faces of two precious little souls that, God willing, will one day be mother's themselves.  I awoke to my kids and my kids are what make me a mother.  Today made me want to celebrate my kids and desire to live up to this quote......"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been."  ~Robert Brault

 Most waking moments of most days, this is where you will find the fingers of my girls.

I don't care much for flowers and would rather eat at our cozy kitchenette table than a crowded over-priced brunch.  I just wanted to be with my people, and today, that is exactly what we're doing.

Matt made breakfast, he is making lunch and a poolside surf and turf is on the menu for dinner.  He and Elyse plan to bake a cake and I plan to eat it.

My "present" so to speak, were some hooks to hang diaper bags, purses, reusable shopping bags, back packs, etc. on.  These hooks are strategically placed in our laundry room which you walk through from the garage into the house.  I like my new hooks.  Oh, and we're getting new floors in our house.  Apparently those are the gift that keep on giving and cover every holiday for the next several years.  I'm very excited about those.

Our yard sale went well.  I was up a little before 6am setting things up and Matt manned the sale while my mom, my friend Loren, and I hit the streets to treasure hunt ourselves.

We had to drop a car load off back home before we even got off our block.....even I was surprised by that!

Plasma car, wood doll house, Little Tikes driving car, puzzles, board games, Disney dolls, Littlest Pet Shop stuff galore, an authentic kids golf set, a bean bag chair, clothes with the tags still on, bean bag toss, an Ariel doll for the pool, the list goes on and on.  My mom bought some things and I was proud of the mere $42 I spent.  Elyse got more this weekend than she did for Christmas.  It was incredible.

One of our first stops was my MOMS Club bake sale for Share Our Strength.  We raised over $230 to help end childhood hunger in America and enjoyed some delicious, homemade treats in the process.

The evening my mom hung around so Matt and I could enjoy a date night, those are always nice.

It was a long, fun day and we hope to do it all again (sans our yard sale) when it rolls around again in 6 months.

Sunday Matt's firm, KPMG, had their annual family picnic and this year it was at the beach.  My mom was gracious enough to watch Adley, so Matt and I had a little date day with Elyse.  One potty stop, one stop at a tile store, one stop to put air in my tires and eventually we were at St. Pete Beach enjoying the sun, sand, Sonny's BBQ and great company of his great company (ha. ha).

Yesterday was chores galore as I scrubbed floors, did laundry, caught up on emails, etc.

Switching thoughts.......
I've struggled with parenting again lately.  Elyse exhibiting her will, me declaring who's in charge.  Late one evening I was online reviewing parenting books and planning my next several to purchase.  I'd gotten away from reading them lately and I felt it was time to seek out wisdom for the new stage we were in.  I had several in  my cart on Amazon when that still small voice spoke, "You know how to parent her."  I paused and pondered.  I was instantly reminded that I had a plethora of knowledge and even some experience under my belt when it came to Elyse and I knew what to do, I just needed to be consistent.  All the knowledge and wisdom I could hope for do no good if I don't apply them consistently and with the right heart.

I didn't order any books.

I need the self-discipline and self-control to carry out what I already know to be true.  Only then will I see the results I hope for in my precious little person who is relying so heavily on me in this.

For years I've had to learn to tame my emotions, not let them be the driving force of actions in anything, but especially parenting.  I've had to learn how to handle conflict in a different manner than ways I'd known and been shown in many years past.  It's still a struggle, but I've come so very far in this.  I can go further though.  I will go further.

Over and over I become more and more thankful for grace in this process.  That each inconsistency, each failed trial, each situation handled wrongly, are not permanent, not irreversibly damaging and certainly not defining.  Each day is fresh with new situations, new challenges and new opportunities to do my best and use the wisdom I've been given.

When a challenge arises I will silence my fears and emotions and allow that still small voice to speak and guide me.

Nope.  I don't need another book right now.

This Saturday is our communities biannual yard sale.  It's a big event.  Hundreds of yard sales for miles and miles.  It's fun.  It's my version of Black Friday, yes, I get that excited.  

Each time I find some of the most exciting buys.  Toys, kids clothes, decorations.  It's true treasure hunting.  

This weekend will be our first time participating on the selling side, so my spare time this week has been consumed with yard sale prep.  It's been emotional because almost all of it is baby stuff.  All those sweet little baby clothes size newborn to 9 months, bouncy seats and baby toys, slings and carriers......we're moving on.  This is our family.  There is a bittersweet peace in that statement but somehow I'm not sure if my heart is ready to let go of such miniature things that represent such a huge part of our life.  

I want more kids.  I want a dozen more.  What's desired and what can realistically be taken on, I'm learning, are two entirely different things.  I have the heart for a gigantic family but, right now, the patience for 2 and often times not even that.  So, yard sale it is.

I'm thoroughly enjoying their interactions lately and the relationship only sisters can share is emerging.  Sure, Elyse is the alpha female and Adley is content to just be in her presence, but they are both enjoying each others company and that's so much more than I expected.

Here Elyse is taking Adley shopping in her doll grocery cart.  I honestly cannot recall a bad moment between these two as of yet.  Elyse is so nurturing and, at not even 3 years old, is very conscious of putting Adley's needs before her own.  She seems so big.  So maternal.  So sweet.  Makes me so proud. 

 At the park the other day Adley would get excited since she was swinging like Elyse and she would kick her legs with excitement.  It was the kind of kick only babies can do when their body expresses all the joy they don't have the words to say.  I call it smiling with their whole bodies.  Elyse would mimic her kicks back, so there they were, laughing and kicking together in the swings.  It was pure joy for all 3 of us.  

I've never seen a baby be more precise and purposeful in her tactile exploration. She inspects even a blade of grass with such focus and intention.  Moments captured like this also remind me how thankful I am she can see.  She has no idea we ever feared she couldn't, but it's almost as if she doesn't take one bit of her senses for granted.  She isn't even close to crawling yet because she will find something to satisfy her within arms reach, even the fuzz of a rug.  If I could describe her in one word, it would be content.  Love that.  

Our baby things will go, now it's time to watch mine grow. *sniff*sniff*