29 weeks....

and absolutely perfect!!!! She weighs nearly 3 pounds, is approximately 15 inches long, and is the size of a butternut squash! We had another perfect visit at the doctors on Friday and my visits will now be every 2 weeks. The doctor was once again complimentary of how well I've done and how good I continue to look both physically pregnant and on paper. I passed the glucose test and my iron level is wonderful, my weight gain is 5 lbs below the average at this stage, and I'm still very active. I've come to find that I greatly need encouragement and positive affirmation like this....it really means a lot. No matter how good I look on paper, I don't always feel it. Fortunately I have a doting husband and overly complimentary friends that lift me up just when I need it.

This glimpse of our daughter definitely made the discomfort that I know will come tonight even more worthwhile. She is a mover and a shaker and we could not be more thankful for those meaningful movements.

These are not professional ultrasounds, just me playing with the machine, but I was blown away by this one. This is her beautiful little face with her hand up by her head on the left (her right). You can even make out her cute little nose and chubby cheeks. She actually opened and closed her eyes while I was peeking....incredible!

The next one is her cute little foot and long perfect leg. Her legs work well, my insides and wave pool looking belly can testify to that.

Tired

I only worked one day this week due to low census at both hospitals I work for....the economy even trickles down to nurses sometimes. People feeling insecure leads to delaying having children which leads to less births which equals me not being needed at work.

This normally would bother me quite a bit because I love my job and I like financially contributing to our household. However, this week it was a blessing in disguise because I have been extremely tired. Even on a full nights rest I feel exhausted throughout the day and although I haven't taken a nap in years, not having to be at work for 13 hours on my feet has really helped.

I'm also probably extra tired because of the busy weekend we had. It was a good...no, wonderful and busy filled weekend including a lot of time with many different friends. Wednesday was errands, chores, and more chores. Thursday my friend Rachel and I went to the beach for the day, and it was gorgeous as usual. We hadn't hung out in awhile and it was so nice to catch up and just have girl talk all day. Friday I had a few errands and appointments and the evening led us to Madeira for our friend Kristin's birthday party...good food, good friends, good times. Saturday had us up and early and a group of us heading to Air fest 2009 at Macdill Air Force base downtown. It was warm out but a busy breeze kept the day comfortable and it is just absolutely amazing what those massive air crafts can do and the sounds they make doing it. We were home from the festival long enough to shower and change to go to our friends 5 years of being cancer free celebration! I didn't know her well during her numerous battles with breast cancer, but I was honored and thankful to be able to celebrate such a wonderful anniversary with her. Everyone wore pink, the punch was pink, so was the food, and she just glowed. I sent up a prayer of thanks for her health and I was humbly reminded of the miracles provided by our Great Physician.

Yes....we were busy and it continues as I type...no wonder I'm tired. We are going to go see Oma today and the dryer just buzzed with a reminder that there is much to be done here at home as well. My goal is to be satisfied with getting a few things done and not allow myself to stress over the list of things that I know will remain. However, I also hope this new found fatigue won't linger long and I will be back to myself soon.

Safety first

With the task list of things to get done not getting any smaller and the countdown getting closer, I've often comforted myself by saying...."The only things we really NEED to have a baby is a car seat (to bring her home in of course), diapers, and my nursing parts." Well, I guess we are ready for the baby to come of that's my only list because after much research I picked up her car seat yesterday. The diapers might be a concern though because we only have the sample packs we've gotten in the mail, but it would get us through the first couple of hours at home at least ;).

I decided to go against the practical side of my brain that told me to get something gender-neutral and I obviously went all girl. For some reason I just had to. I really think we'll have another girl one day anyway and I'm sure this one will still get asked if she's a boy or a girl in it like people so often do, but it was just too cute and too good a price to pass up.

Inadequate

While driving I heard a psychologist on the radio say, "A child's most important role model is their same sex parent."

I'm having a little girl . . . that means me.

I've never been someones role model before and I certainly don't feel like enough to be her role model. By enough I mean smart enough, strong enough, skilled enough, spiritual enough, good enough, experienced enough . . . enough of anything to be a role model. Hearing it said like that on the radio did something to me and it surfaced all these thoughts and fears. I felt like I was doing ok with our checklist of nesting straws that need to be laid in place. I'm researching products and decisions, making phone calls and attending appointments, scheduling classes and cleaning out closets . . . I felt like I was on track. I wasn't thinking about the role model part or what that even really means. I think it scared me most because there is no preparation checklist or classes you can attend on being my daughter's role model. I became scared of becoming a mother and having someone so innocent and unscathed be so dependent on someone like me. How are you ever prepared for that? How do you ever feel fit for such an honor?

I did what all composed mother's do and I cried. I drove and I cried. I pictured her in the back seat of my SUV tucked in her car seat and I talked to her in my rear view mirror through my tears. I told her I was sorry that mommy was so scared. I promised her my best but that I didn't know how good that would be. I told her how much I love her already and how much her daddy loves her. The feelings of fear and inadequacy consumed my insides and I literally felt sick to my stomach. I was so scared. I desperately wanted a pause button on this pregnancy to give me more time to figure this out. I talked to her through streaming tears for awhile longer, but the fear didn't lift and the tears didn't stop and I knew I wasn't going about this the right way.

I turned my conversation to God and expressed my fears and prayed for parental wisdom and confidence. I wanted to keep talking to Him, venting, asking, but I just stopped. I felt exhausted. I focused my silent thoughts entirely on Him and His presence in that car. He wrapped those loving arms around me and I just know He held me right there in that driver's seat. Such an intense sense of calm and comfort came over me, my fears lifted and my tears stopped. In that moment I did what I knew was all that needed to be done all along . . . I promised my little girl to Him.

"Role model". Ready or not that's my job and she is coming. God thinks I'm enough and He believes we're ready or she wouldn't be here as we speak. He has even provided Matt and I with the perfect parenting manual in His word. "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). I'm so glad I have His truth to fall back on and not my own because left on my own I'm a disaster. I don't have all the answers and I am without a doubt going to mess up. There will be multiple times I fail and I know parenting will be a daily struggle, but I am far from alone in this.

I am enough and I am more than just "adequate", I was created for this.

Feeling lazy

It's raining out....okay, more like drizzling. The sky is overcast and the air is slightly cool, the fridge is stocked and the chores are caught up to a satisfactory point. I have an hour or so until I have to get ready to go to the pregnancy center and I think I'll just be lazy. I don't know if it's the hormones, added weight, or the weather, but I feel more tired today than normal. I've learned the hard way in the past that it's best to just listen to my body sometimes, so I think I'll join my cat on the couch and be lazy until it's time to leave.

When God smiles

Ok, last weekend was really good and this weekend was just as wonderful.....I love any weekend, but God really smiled on this one. With the weather we've been given lately it would honestly take more of an effort to have a bad weekend than a good one anyway. Relaxation and productivity, intimate time and time with friends, amazing dinner out and a home cooked one in, beach and chores, indoors and out, natural ocean wonders with sand between our toes and a man-made movie on the couch. We truly got the best of all sorts of worlds in just 2 days, I just loved it.

Saturday we went out to Madeira to enjoy the beach like we so often do this time of year. It was much busier than normal due to various spring breakers. Although it was much more crowded we still found a perfect spot in the sand and the additional beach goers made for great people watching. Later in the afternoon we met up with some friends from that area and went boating for bit. This is no exaggeration when I say this.....we probably saw at least 16 dolphins on several separate occasions that day, some just an arms reach away from the boat, others playfully jumping just in front of the sun as it set that evening. Several times I thought ...."I need to grab my camera" but I never reached for it knowing it would likely cause me to miss the moment altogether, so I just sat, enjoyed, and absorbed the sights and sounds that some people may never get to experience in their life. Watching dolphins frolic in their natural environment unscathed by the destructive touch of man while sitting beside my incredible husband as our daughter grows within my womb surrounded by friends on a boat in the beautiful Gulf of Mexico....have I seriously been given all of this? No, I don't take any of this for granted and I don't doubt for one second that these blessings come from the God who must realize that I'm trying to live a life that honors Him. I'm not perfect, never will be. I seldom get it right and I stumble at every corner. There are so many flaws in my character and wrinkles in my attitude, but regardless I remain His child. I carry around numerous short comings and a heart full of good intentions that seldom make it to fruition....but I try, and I believe it's noticed. I consult Him for my steps and I tearfully hand Him my burdens to solve because I know if left to me, I just don't have the answers. I could never have envisioned my life being as fully blessed as it is. A whole lot less than this would consitute a "good day" and this has far exceeded any expectations and I am anything but worthy.

I may not be worthy, but I am grateful. After a gorgeous sunset the icing on the cake was dinner at a local hole in the wall type place where the menu changes daily with whatever the divers catch that day. Items are scratched of the menu as they sell out and we barely made it for an amazing dinner of cracked conch and wahoo. We topped dinner off with homemade ice cream at a local Amish store where they promised me free ice cream if we come back and bring the baby....I will be taking them up on this offer.

After a relaxing vacation day like Saturday, Sunday found us ready to work. Matt did some much needed gardening in an area that definitely showed our neglect as I puttered around the house doing needed chores to keep the ship running smoothly. Dinner cooked in the crock pot and as the housework and gardening came to a close the air was thick with the aroma of flavorful chicken, letting us know it was time to wind down and eat.

As always, Sunday ends with a movie on the couch and as I whisper my goodbyes to another weekend past I'm overwhelmed with this life that I've been given. In a world filled with negativity I'm thankful I have the ability to recognize when God's smile paints the perfect weekend tailor made for me and the wisdom to know that's exactly what it is.

Restoration

This is a night stand that Oma's Grandfather (so Matt's great-great Grandpa) made for her in Germany many years ago when she was a girl. This small dresser has traveled from Germany and around the United States for decades.....it has made it's way into our daughter's room.

I cleaned it up with a fresh coat of paint, added hardware that would match her other furniture, and used a pattern under a glass top that I just thought was adorable. I'm not even quite sure what this will be used for in her room or where for sure it will sit. I just knew it belonged.

This isn't the biggest tale or restoration, or a stunning transformation where the end product is hardly recognizable from the beginning.....I didn't want that for this. I just wanted to incorporate something that has been held onto for all these years and all these moves by a woman who received this as a girl and is now in her 80's. A woman that is very, very dear to Matt's heart as well as mine. She felt it worthwhile to carry this overseas and from home to home throughout her life. In a room where everything is store bought and new, this gives a feeling of family, significance, character, and history to our little girl's room. Maybe she will take this with her throughout her life as well.

Restoration is one of my favorite words. My.....well, my everything has been restored from the mess I so often make of it myself. I'm given compassion's that never fail and are new each morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) and He leads me and restores my soul (Psalm 23:3). I've been given much more than new hardware and a fresh coat of paint, and for that I am eternally thankful. I'm not sure if the end product of me will be recognizable from where I began.....I just know I'm glad to be a work in progress.