Wow....it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted

That has to be a record for me.

We ran into some minor computer problems that quickly turned to major. Thankfully a close friends husband worked hard for a few evenings to fix what appeared to be the problem so for the time being we are somewhat back in business. We have had the computer back since Monday but I didn't rush to get it up and running again. In the days without it I quickly realized I spend far too much time on it doing things that aren't necessary. Without it set up there was no temptation to Google this or that or check my email or Facebook. It was a little nerve racking at first but I told myself if someone really needs to get a hold of me they know how. I quickly became comfortable not having computer access and giving myself the extra days without it helped me become more confident that I will not fall back into my old habits.

Many little things happened over the last couple of weeks. I won't bore you with all of them and 2 weeks just seems like a lot to catch up on anyway so I'll only mention the bigger stuff. One of the best was a zoo date Elyse and I had with several former NICU graduates I cared for in years past. It was so good to see the little ones thriving and running around and to reconnect with the moms again as well. Another fun thing we did was go to the Clearwater Aquarium where we saw Winter, the dolphin with the prosthetic tail. She is definitely amazing.

On a completely different note I really want to mention where I'm at right now. A few posts back I wrote about my doubts as a stay at home mom and it is something I have definitely struggled with. At one point I was even online looking for a job. I don't think Matt really knew what to say but I knew neither of us really wanted me to work, but what was my problem then? One evening we sat down and had a good, long talk about it. We realized I was probably one of the few moms who left behind a career she loved. I didn't leave a paycheck, I left a passion. We discovered one of the things I miss the most is the critical thinking. I worked in an ICU setting where lives were literally at stake every single day. I performed CPR with 2 fingertips on skin that was so translucent you could see every branch of the vascular system. I had to calculate drugs, administer medications from the smallest of syringes into the tiniest of veins. I witnessed life begin and I also witnessed it end. A single 12 hour shift could contain every human emotion possible but also require so much intense critical thinking. There was no other way to leave at the end of the day than completely drained in every way possible. It was challenging. It was rewarding. I absolutely loved the adrenaline. But I didn't want to go back to work, that I was sure of. Sure there were things I missed but the one thing I was not willing to miss was Elyse. I can't say there was any defining moment or great revelation that occurred, but that conversation was a turning point for me. I also happened to start the book Bringing Up Girls that night and truthfully God just took care of the rest. I was determined to change my mind set and look at days with Elyse completely differently. I structured our time differently and most importantly my attitude in approaching it. I was the problem and I was going to fix it. Literally almost overnight I felt an intense change in my heart and my daughter became my passion. Words from that book jumped off the pages and latched onto my heart in an indescribable way. I wanted to climb out of bed, pick her up out of her crib and just pray over her. I was intimidated and ignited all at the same time as I read about raising this precious little girl in this chaotic world we live in. Nothing about my old job can compare to the work I've been chosen to do in her life and in our family and no one is created to do it like I am. She is worthy of my best and in giving that to her I am serving Him and that is always the right place to be.

In part I felt like in order to embrace the challenge of parenting and become passionate about it meant that I needed to be worthy and to be worthy I had to be confident and, well, I was anything but. Once I saw the lie for what it was and refused to believe it any longer things got better, much better.

Like anyone else I've had numerous challenges and struggles, ups and downs. Going through them has often taught me patience but I was so amazed with how quickly these tides turned for me and so thankful I didn't have to carry that load even one day longer.

If you watched through our sliding glass door life as a whole probably doesn't look much different but I assure you, it is.