Bigger really does mean better

I know it's only going to get more drastic, much more drastic, but everyday I feel bigger than the day before. . . much bigger. Don't get me wrong, I can still tie my shoes and feel healthy overall, and I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those people that LOVES being pregnant. I'm extremely thankful for all that, but today I feel oddly bigger. I continually look to Matt for words of encouragement as I grow by the day. He says I'm cute. That works plenty well for me.

I am coming to the realization that I actually look pregnant now. I think I was in denial of this, thinking I just looked bigger. At the store today I was buying the cutest baby girl outfit (on clearance for $3) and at the check-out the clerk asked me if I was having a girl. To be "having a girl" must mean I look like I'm having a baby, which means I look pregnant, not just big, so I guess that's good.

My 20 week check-up at the doctor went well as expected. This is the first visit Matt has not been with me at, and I'm glad I gave him the go ahead not to come. These visits are very routine: pee in a cup, weigh in, vital signs, palpate fundus, doppler heart rate, see you next time. I'm am generally in and out in 20 minutes total. Despite how routine they are, there is definitely something so reassuring about going. Just to hear the doctor say "everything looks great" or "you're right on target", today I even got "you're small still but everything is progressing perfectly" . . . who doesn't love to hear that. Her heart beat continues to amaze me each time I hear it, but I love having the daily reassurance of her movements now.

I went almost the entire first half of my pregnancy without gaining a pound and in a matter of a few weeks gained over 5! I didn't know if this was good or bad or what, so I asked the doctor about it and he said "well you had to gain weight some time, you're doing just fine." It just felt like a lot of weight fast, but she is growing and so am I, that's all that matters to me.

I quickly learned after getting into bed the other night that bigger really does mean better. For the very FIRST time I felt her kick from the outside of my belly, not just the fluttery squirmies on the inside. It was a definite thud and it was incredible! I let out a "Whoa!" and grabbed Matt's hand and placed it on my tummy. I have been waiting and waiting for the day when Matt could experience a portion of what I feel throughout the day. I have wanted to share the touch of our daughter with him in such an intense way. The moment has been long anticipated. We waited there patiently waiting to feel our daughter stirring again, but to no avail. He moved his hand and rolled over to go to sleep, and of course I felt her again in the same way. Figures. She is a comedian already.

The promise of change . . . not quite what I was hoping for

I don't blog much about politics, but my insides are stirring at some of the recent changes our new president has already put in place. Yahoo was the source of this information.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama on Friday struck down the Bush administration's ban on giving federal money to international groups that perform abortions or provide abortion information — an inflammatory policy that has bounced in and out of law for the past quarter-century.

"Coming just one day after the 36th anniversary of the tragic Roe v. Wade decision, this presidential directive forces taxpayers to subsidize abortions overseas — something no American should be required by government to do," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio.

Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., called it "morally wrong to take the taxpayer dollars of millions of pro-life Americans to promote abortion around the world."

"President Obama not long ago told the American people that he would support policies to reduce abortions, but today he is effectively guaranteeing more abortions by funding groups that promote abortion as a method of population control," said Douglas Johnson, legislative director of the National Right to Life Committee.

Not even in office a week and now my tax dollars are supporting abortion in my own country and other countries around the world. I meet with girls one on one on a weekly bases informing them, offering them resources, loving on them, directing and helping them through a crisis like unplanned pregnancy. I freely give of my time and I pour myself into these women who often feel they have no where to turn. I have seen lives changed, babies saved, and people transformed by the amazing God I serve. I do this for Him and I do this for free, now I am helping pay for the exact thing I stand against. It stings.

This again reminds me of my only other post on anything political. I am directed once again to my knees in prayer of the leader before me and regardless of how defeated I may feel right now, I serve someone far greater than this. Obama's position deserves my respect and my wholehearted support in prayer.

2 years ago today . . .

A truly perfect proposal ice skating in beautiful Beaver Creek Colorado, January 26th, 2007. He popped the question and I said yes. In many ways I can't believe it's already been 2 years ago that he asked the question I had been hoping he would. In other ways it feels like forever ago.

This picture awakens the girl that cried such overwhelming tears of joy at the thought, the dream of what building a life with this amazing man would be like. The new, vibrant love was so apparent and so evident in every thought, action, and word between them. The girl in the picture went on to marry that boy and now they are having a baby. . . they are literally living their dream.

Remembering the butterflies and inability to think about anything but him causes me to realize how much our love has changed and grown in such a short time. We aren't quite as mushy as then, and the just because cards and flowers have decreased. We don't call each other several times a day just to say hi and say I miss you. It has become so much more than that. As his wife, his supporter, and his help-mate I love and embrace this role I was designed for. He is my helper, encourager, husband, and best friend. He is my rock, my soft place to land at the end of any day or situation. It's the fact that he is a man of extreme character that I have come to appreciate the most. He is sensitive, reliable, and a man of extreme integrity; three characteristics that I hope to never take for granted and I could not do without.

My boyfriend became my fiance' that day, who later became my husband, and is now the father of my child. Each role he has taken on in my life only reveals more and more to me what a wonderful man I said yes to and I would say it 100 times over.

The much anticipated question . . .

The story of how we found out . . .

The set-up: I had a labor nurse at the hospital I work at scan me and I gave her one pink and one blue stuffed animal. After she scanned me and was 95% sure of our baby's gender, without me knowing, she sealed tightly in a box the appropriate colored animal.

The setting: Once home together one evening, we took out the box and set it on the couch between us. We had the song we danced to at our wedding playing, drinks poured in wine glasses, and after looking through previous ultrasound pictures in awe of our child, we said our final guesses, and made a toast. We slowly opened the little box of our dreams and saw the color that will cover our house for years to come!

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a precious daughter on the way!

Our faces must have been priceless. It was definitely a captured moment.

The best part: We still had the "big" ultrasound with the doctor to look forward to and we got to see her in person as our daughter for the first time and she is absolutely perfect! The determination of girl was confirmed again, not that we ever doubted. The way it all played out was perfect. It was so us. It was such a wonderful, unique, and intimate way to find out.

The one thing I keep coming back to is how incredible this all is, how miraculous. How a child could absolutely never be dismissed as anything other than a perfect, appointed gift from God. He made her for us.
She had a magnificent journey to be where we are and who she is as we speak. She was the one of the 280-400 million others to come to fruition that day. Out of all those others, she is the only one that made it in. She is a miracle, our perfect miracle, she is fearfully and wonderfully made being knit together in my very womb in her specific design that is unique to her alone. She is our precious gift meant specifically for Matt and I and we could not be more thrilled or in awe!

Seeing her on the ultrasound screen did for us what I'm sure it does for most people. It humbles you and amazes you to the point of being speechless. Words can't describe it, not even close. As a NICU nurse though, having the ultrasound tech go over each and every part of our daughter describing how incredibly perfect she looked was overwhelming. We started at the very top of her head and could see it's perfect shape and bone structure and a healthy brain with all it's parts. We moved to her eyes . . . perfectly in place. Ears right where they should be. Her nose and lips almost sent me over the edge. They were the cutest, most beautiful thing I had ever seen and we could see them perfectly. The tech said it looked like she was smiling. My heart was swollen beyond measure at this point as we moved down her body and saw her lungs, ribs, and all perfectly functioning four chambers of her tiny beating heart. We could see her stomach and kidneys, 3 vessels in her umbilical cord that was pulsating her blood through the perfect placenta attached to me as well. I saw where I was connected to my daughter . . . how do you even try to describe that? We moved from her middle down her perfect legs and knees to her tiny feet and toes. Everything in place just as it should be. Beautiful hands and arms moving around in a dance all her own. She looked very content in there and it warmed my heart to see her enjoying her home inside of her mother who just happens to be me!

Here she is today at her half-way point of 20 weeks. A whole new world has opened up to us. What will she be like? Who will she look like? Matt's blonde hair, or my brown? What will her giggle sound like? For now, she can enjoy her comfy quarters and grow strong and well, we will have a lifetime to get to know her.

I hit the stores running and pink has consumed a small little corner of her future closet. It will be amazing to watch the contents of that corner slowly grow along with my belly, until it has consumed our house, our hearts, and we get to bring her home to share it all with her. This whole new world has opened up to us and seeing things through the eyes of parents of a daughter is incredible! I hope she like us because we are head over heels in love with her.

Telling the world: It all happened on Saturday night. Telling friends and family was priceless and even better than I could've ever anticipated. My favorite reaction was my moms. When I told her she screamed . . . she actually screamed out loud. I know every child is special, but I also know on my side it's the 3rd grand-child, and 3rd girl at that, so I didn't expect it to be a big deal to anyone but us. Her heart-felt and sincere reaction was priceless and it warmed my heart. You would have really thought this was the first grand child ever, which just goes to show how special each child is regardless. Her tight embrace and joyful tears were contagious and Matt and I were overwhelmed with joy in sharing the wonderful news.

Telling Matt's family was wonderful as well. This will be the first girl in his family of men which makes her that much more anticipated for Matt's dad and I think she'll have him wrapped around her pinkie the day she's born. In reality, she does already. When Matt talked to him today, he was made sure Matt was taking good care of his baby girl. There is already talk about Opa/granddaughter dates and daddy/daughter dates which just about had me in tears. To picture grown men courting my daughter with fatherly love and wisdom leaves me speechless . . . she will be blessed beyond measure with the love girls yearn for. These amazing men are over-flowing with such a unique fatherly love and I can already see God's plan in giving this life and this love to a little girl who will soak it up like a sponge.

Later telling our house-full of friends was so fun and I'm so thankful for how it turned out. We were surrounded by excitement, tears, and talks of pink, dresses, bows, and girly things. He will be upset at me for saying this, but I can't help it . . . Matt even shed some tears picturing how hard her her wedding day will be for him. I can't explain the feelings coursing through my veins last night as my belly was rubbed and my daughter whispered to, knowing and feeling how dearly she is already loved and how many people adore her before our eyes even meet. I don't know how I ever came to deserve this, but I'm thankful to say the least.

Wonderful weekend

Friday night after work Matt and I went out to dinner at a neighborhood spot we have both come to love. I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about that place that causes us to linger there and we have shared some of our best conversations across those tables. The food is good but nothing spectacular and the atmosphere is nice but nothing to write home about, but it always seems to bring about a memorable evening. We have only ever been there on Fridays, so perhaps that adds to the ambiance for us. We like to stretch out our Friday evening so our weekend feels even longer, it was 11pm when we were heading home and the weekend already felt wonderful. Good Friday nights are like a sigh at the end of a long week in anticipation of the weekend to come.

We slept in Saturday, Matt made pancakes and I made smoothies (one of our favorite weekend breakfast treats). The weather was beautiful and we opened the doors and windows so the crisp air could consume our house. Family joined us for dinner and a dozen or so friends came over later in the evening to visit and play some games. It was so good to see everyone and people came from near and far which meant so much. As friends have gotten older, careers more demanding, children come along, and lives get busy, it's nice to take an intentional pause to goof off and just spend time together. We need to do that more often.

Sunday's weather was just as gorgeous and after church we took Oma to lunch at a nice little place on the beach. A band played Jimmy Buffett in the background as ocean waves caressed the sand in a song all it's own. Once home we took a late afternoon jog and even took a little detour into the woods until you couldn't hear the sounds of cars anymore, just our shoes crunching the leaves and birds chirping in a language all their own. We are going to grill out tonight for dinner and end the evening with a movie and our favorite ice cream on the couch. Now I'm home typing about it all hoping to somehow hold onto this feeling a little longer before the alarm clock blares with the demands of Monday and we endure the lengthy hours before a Friday night can coax us into our weekend once again.

In case you wondered

Circuit training is hard. My normal class instructor was out sick and the sub worked us hard. I'm still a bit queasy from the session that ended over an hour ago. I don't know that I'll be doing that again, at least not pregnant. I also wonder if it will hurt to move in the next couple of days. I wasn't even sure what circuit training was when we started, but I quickly realized the wrath my body was in for. I figured I'd try it, modify things if needed, and just listen to my body and my baby. We both did fine, but it was still such a comfort to feel the kicks and elbows in the car on my drive back home. It's always a comfort to feel that. I never get tired of it and it never fails to swell my heart, I'm so in love.

Reflecting on prior posts

I spent almost 4 hours shopping today. I did some needed returns and exchanges, but I also had several items on my list that I was hoping to purchase. One of those items was some tops/top undergarments that could "grow with me" a little bit. Man did I hit the jack-pot. I found sale items with additional mark downs and made out like a bandit. I had a bag FULL of goodies for $20! I did some more shopping for some things that were more desired than needed, but amazing bargains none the less and I left with my arms full. Not too long ago I posted about bargains and writing about it again reminded me of that post. It's nice to go back and read it because I really think I have gotten better about the sale purchases I make "just because".

My bargain high from today vanished quickly when I got to my car though. Matt gave me a courtesy call to let me know he would be working late and that I could go ahead and eat dinner on my own. It was after 7pm and he was still at the office. Guilt swept over me because he is such a hard worker and here I was out spending money. You see, I was supposed to work today but due to low census I was cancelled. I tried to pick up hours at another hospital, but they didn't need me either. See the problem? I didn't make any money (which I was scheduled to) but went out and spent money (which wasn't on only necessities). This reminded me of another post where I was feeling down about this exact same thing, which tells me that I need to examine this area of my life even closer because being a whiner is not an option.

I have a feeling this is something I will periodically struggle with unless I face it head on somehow. Although running this ship and raising a family will probably be much more demanding and time consuming than I can even fathom, I know Matt will probably work hard, high-intensity hours, and be our source of income for years to come. I need to get more and more used to that idea and learn to not feel guilty about it. It's a gift, a blessing, and something I believe God honors . . . why do I let it get to me so much? He works so hard, but is still so wonderful that I feel guilty when I have my own personal free time if he doesn't. Why do I feel like I'm somehow not carrying my own weight? More importantly, how do I overcome it?