Saturday we went shopping at the International Mall which made me feel poor and horribly out of style. It's funny though because if spending $160 on what to me looks like a used t-shirt is considered stylish then I don't mind being a nerd. We literally didn't spend a dime and left with a free balloon for Elyse which made her entire day. That night my mom came and Matt and I used a Groupon for Catch 23 that was about to expire so we had a nice date night. After dinner we decided to check out a roof top lounge at the Westin that Matt had heard about. The Westin is right near the water and we thought it might be a place for great views and nice conversation. We got in the elevator, pushed the designated floor that said "Roof top lounge" next to it and rode on up. The elevator would only go the the floor just beneath it so we got off there and looked for some stairs or something. All we found were hotel rooms so we headed back down and asked someone in the lobby. She very politely answered, "Oh, that was never built". I have no idea why they wouldn't at least change the sign in the elevator but hey, that's just me. It was a fun little adventure none the less.

After a weekend of eating entirely too unhealthy Matt and I both managed to make our way to the gym and I feel better already. At one point we actually ate shredded BBQ chicken out of a tub and then had pizza for dinner that night. That's enough to make anyone feel yucky after the fact. Today I put Elyse down for a nap and did some pressure washing outside. I got quite a bit done but there are just so many squares of sidewalk to clean when you have a corner lot and for lack of better words, I gave up after an hour and a half but I still feel content with the amount I got accomplished in that time. Perhaps I'll tackle the rest another day or perhaps I won't.

In some sort of round about way I managed to get the computer to work long enough to upload a few recent pictures before it crashed again. Here are just a couple of them.

The wingless buffalo chicken rolls.

My little helper in the kitchen working away.

This one is because she's just plain cute.

Elyse and baby Rylan when I was babysitting her for the day, Rylan is about 6 months younger and she was such a good and easy baby. Elyse just looks thrilled about sharing all of her toys but they definitely warmed up to each other. Rylan's mom and I have known each other since summer camp as kids and have stayed close through the years. I truly hope the same happens for our girls.

That's about all I have time for right now. Time to get some chores done and hopefully get a jog in before the rain.

Making tissues dance

We are putting boogies into tissues this week, that's for sure. We have literally been battling the boogie monster in our house and it has been a tough fight. Either way, I know several other moms of little ones read this from time to time and I just have to mention that Nosefrida is the BEST product ever and it really works (I was not paid to say that, although that would be nice).

It works just like you see it here and no, you never come into direct contact with the snot, ever. I've been using this for months and I've never even seen even the thinnest of mucous make it to the tubing. Having worked with mechanical suction in the NICU for several years the bulb syringe just didn't cut it for me because I knew how much was still really in those tiny nasal passages. Nosefrida really helps you get it all out. I just love it and I imagine Elyse does too once she can breathe easier.

I'm going to make the smooth transition from snot to cooking right now....

I'm going to attempt to use fillo dough tonight to make wingless buffalo chicken rolls with a blue cheese dip. I've never used fillo dough before and to be quite honest it intimidates me. I chose tonight to make it because we have leftover pot roast and roasted chicken as a suitable back up should the recipe literally crumble. I already fear I've messed up because I bought the dough at the store, brought it home and wondered what it looked like so I opened it right up and tried to unroll it. The sheets started breaking and I thought, "That's probably not good", so I read the directions......Never unroll frozen fillo dough. Oh. Oops. Normally I back down far to easily from things but I'm going to try the recipe anyway. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Update:

It was YUMMY!

I took a picture but our computer is acting up so it won't let me post it. I'm just thankful I didn't ruin the whole thing. It turns out fillo dough is very forgiving, just add another layer. Matt definitely requested it be a repeat and we even came up with a few ways to make it a little better.

Yesterday I saved $17.50 on just 4 or 5 items thanks to the "up to 3 coupons per item" policy at our grocery store. I got a huge pack of toilet paper for $1.49, $8 off one box of diapers with a free jumbo pack of wipes that I earned $1 by buying because I had a coupon for the free item as well. The savings swept a feeling of intense pleasure over me and I thought, wow, I need some excitement in my life. But hey, that was exciting enough for me for one day. I feel silly sometimes with how excited I get over true savings, not the gimmick savings that con you into buying things you wouldn't normally purchase, but savings on things you actually use or need. It's such a simple and rewarding way of doing what I can to be a good steward with what I've been given. Now if I could just remember to always bring along my coupon wallet and monitor expiration dates.....that would definitely help.

This is going to be a quick post, but I just want to jump on and say that I'm feeling better. I got a couple of emails from people that were encouraging but more importantly they could relate which helped me feel a little less crazy. It's not Elyse and it's not the situation, it's my mindset and my confidence that need to change and I'm going to work on that. There is no place better for Elyse to be than with me and our family is blessed enough to have the ability to give her that.

My mom came and spent the night Thursday and Friday. We went out to dinner, did some shopping at the mall, and watched a chick flick together. We had a really, really nice time. Friday after small group Matt and I even went out for a bit since we had a free overnight sitter. Saturday we lounged around and Sunday we went to see Oma and then had Mark and Kathy over for a nice steak dinner.

That should about catch us up for now.

Someone else could do it better

The title just about sums up my feelings about today. I may look back on this post and think perhaps I shouldn't have been so honest or probably feel a little embarrassed that I said these things out loud (blogged...which is out loud to me). Today wasn't especially hard or any more challenging than any other day. It was a normal day. Matt is out of town for work this week so it's just been Elyse and I. We got up at our usual times, had a good nights rest, ate breakfast, went to the gym, yada yada yada.

But this morning while we were playing I just felt a disconnect. I can't really explain it. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't made for this. I wasn't cut out to be a stay at home mom. Am I thankful? Yes. Do I recognize it's an honor, a blessing, and a privilege? Of course. Do I love being there for her every need, every milestone, and every ability to direct her in how I see fit? Absolutely! But I'm not that good at it.

Talking. She doesn't really speak yet. She says one word, "cat" and an occasional indiscriminate "dada" or "mama". I don't talk to her enough I tell myself. I should read to her more, that would help, but I don't know how that is even possible because she is read about 9 books a day. Someone else could talk to her.....better.

Playing. Since I stay at home with just Elyse and I, I find myself having to consciously set aside play time and house work time, which is probably normal. If it were up to her she would just wonder aimlessly around the house all day exploring and with safety in mind I often let her. Then I feel guilty that she isn't getting enough interaction or isn't learning enough so I try to play with her and she has almost no interest in it. Someone else would know how to play with her..... better.

Eating. Oh where to begin. She is small for her age which has loomed over my head for months. I try my hardest to creatively help her consume as many calories per day as possible and she is still barely hanging onto the charts. I'm still hiding nutrients and fats in food and despite my greatest efforts she still throws food and she throws it all the time. I have tried so many different approaches to help this behavior and I've seen not even an ounce of improvement. I feel like I'm failing. Someone else could get her to stop throwing her food while making sure she eats enough.....better.

In her high chair tonight she had a fit. A royal screaming, crying, food throwing fit. She was overtired and I knew it but I also knew she needed to eat because once again she had hardly eaten all day. It was a tough predicament from the get go. I picked her up, calmly told her "When you behave like this you may not be with us", and put her in her crib. She cried harder and louder. When I went back to get her she was gasping and melted right into my shoulder (which she NEVER does). I sat with her in the glider, enjoying the rare opportunity when she actually cuddles and I started crying. I whispered, "Most of the time it's just me and you Elyse, so we have got to get this together, we have got to figure this out".

I keep waiting for the day when this shoe fits. When I have that "a ha" moment where I realize this is what I was made for. I keep thinking that as more time goes by it will feel more natural and that hasn't happened yet. I'm getting all teary eyed now. I think the part I feel worst about is that I feel this way at all. I feel extremely guilty for feeling like this. So many moms would love to be in my shoes and here I am saying the shoe doesn't fit. This is the easier part to express. The harder part to express is how I wouldn't change it if I could. How much I love that little girl. I know it's hard. I know it's challenging but is also so very rewarding. Her laugh, her smile, her little pointer finger, light up my life......but right now I just want to go back to work. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I'm being a little ridiculous though, but hey, we're all allowed to have our moments, I'm just having mine on Blogger! ;)

Matt just called from Memphis. He is always so encouraging. I love him. He reminded me that I've been doing this alone for a couple of days now, that Elyse was more difficult than normal, and that I cared for 3 kids under the age of 16 months yesterday all by myself. I'm probably a little burnt right now. He didn't dismiss my feelings at all, he just simply helped. He is perfect for me and I love that.

I'm going to go now. This mommy needs to get to bed and do this all again tomorrow!

I was sitting in church this morning feeling a little heavy. Not burdened, not hurting, just heavy. This heavy feeling has plagued me lately over things that I do that I know I shouldn't and for things that I know I should do and don't. Nothing major, but definitely things that I need to address before it creeps like spilled oil into other areas of my life. I allowed this heaviness to wedge separation in my spiritual life and I'm not sure exactly what I felt of how to describe it, but I didn't feel good. I've always heard that feelings are facts but I've also learned in life that they are not absolutes. I needed to lean on what I know to be true, not on those feelings.

The worship team played the perfect song at that moment, the absolutes took over and the feelings were washed away. I'm much lighter this afternoon and rejuvenated over the clean slate that I've once again been provided and reminded of.

We had a friends over Friday evening, a family get together Saturday afternoon to welcome baby Isla, and today is low key and restful. Matt and Elyse are both napping before we run some errands this afternoon and I'm already looking forward to getting showered and in my pj's for our Sunday movie night.